MAC and PC

TVT

2012-01-26T11:40:00.000-08:00

Yes, Virginia, there is a ~~Santa Claus~~ Baby Brain! Forget knowing the date, what day of the week is it? Does it go in the fridge or in the pantry? Is it too, two or to? Me: "What's that thing in there that washes the dishes?" PC: "Ummm.... the dishwasher?" Me: "Oh, yeah." If I could remember other crazy things I would post them here, but I can't remember anything!
Grateful for a wonderful MIL and FIL. But... a little aggravated with FIL that blue slippers with puppy dogs on them to keep my child's feet warm look "girly."
How in the world does something so small produce toots and and poops so HUGE?
What do we call "it" with a little boy? I say we call it his pee pee and PC says that's too dainty. He suggests it's the peter. But what if that's a little boy's name in his class one day? Decisions, decisions.
The sixth bed has arrived at our home this week.

Why did I not know about this life saver? Some swaddling & the dustbuster & the paci and we are getting half of the night without baby in the middle of us and half the night with baby---- ahhhhh, best of both worlds!!! Well, the sleep is a little better after the dustbuster battery runs low!

Got my hair highlighted this morning. That hair made it through month nine, labor, birth, NICU and the first six weeks with a newborn. Believe me it was time! Pumped three days to get out for those two hours. Do you think I processed in a chair reading a good trashy magazine? Nope, I went to hang out in a quiet bathroom lol.

NICU- Part 2/Final Thoughts

2012-01-24T10:04:00.000-08:00

Our baby was in the NICU before his second day in the world. That was when I wrote this post and asked for prayers... and they worked!

I had no idea what NICU really meant before we had a baby. Babies were getting special care...that was my only reference. Now I wish it had been discussed when we toured labor & delivery or that the ob/gyn would have talked to us a little more about it. I guess they don't want to cause any undue stress. If any mom-to-be is reading this, please read through as someone who is sharing what I wish had been shared with me. It is not my intention to scare anyone but to inform and provide support.

Babies are in NICU for so many different reasons... ours because his spit up concerned the L&D nurse and they did some blood work and it showed signs of an infection. If your baby has to go to NICU, possibly... you will see him or her hooked up to a machine and an IV on his/her arm or head (we started with an IV in the arm, but it leaked after a couple of days and the next one was put in his head... although it broke my heart, our baby was so much happier with the IV in his head and his arm free...the nurse explained how those veins are actually better for babies). You probably won't get to be with your baby 24/7 as you will be receiving care from having a baby and (in our hospital) two hours were reserved for shift change and no visitors. You will cry. You will work so hard to get to your baby and brushing your teeth becomes a big accomplishment. You will have many questions... can I hold him/her, feed him/her, what happens next, etc. You will dream of being at home with your little one.

I went from extreme elation to extreme deflation in a matter of hours. I was scared, worried and broken-hearted for what my son was going through. It's hard for any parent, but for an IF mama with an IVF baby, I don't have to tell you how my heart ached to take a baby home. I had a lot to learn. Now... here's the part why I hope you are still reading...

You will make it. Your baby will be in the care of some of the most phenomenal people you have ever met, they are called NICU nurses, or angels would fit as well. They will answer your questions. They will encourage you and let you hold your baby (and feed if possible). They will offer kleenex and an understanding look when you cry. They remind you to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your baby. They will color pictures for him and make sure that his every need is met.

We were lucky and I learned to be grateful. Our son was home after 5 days... I met a mom in the elevator who was going on week 13. I asked, How are you doing it? And her response was something similar to- How do you not? Those parents live. survive. and God- willing take home a healthy baby, which is the number one goal of NICU!

There was a NICU favorite baby while we were there, Baby J, who (by overhearing a caseworker talking to a nurse) I learned that rarely got visits from his mom and had been there four MONTHS. I wanted to take him home with us too.

On Tuesday night, PC and I had a "date" in the hospital cafeteria during no visitor time. PC was talking about how you loved someone so much that you had only known a short amount of time and (this might only make sense to Twi.light fans) I said "Awwww, we've imprinted!" PC (totally out of character) said "I should smack you right now for comparing our baby to some hormone-filled vampire/werewolf character!" And that was the first laugh in 48 hours. It helped. A lot.

Our H was a true little fighter. By Wednesday, all levels were back to normal range and we were ready to "room in" with him. They have a special room for families who are taking home their baby the next day. It looked like a penthouse suite to us... it looked better than that!

I hope that you do not have a NICU experience but, if you do, know that those are special people who share your goal of taking a healthy baby HOME. You're already a fighter through the IF journey and you will be a fighter for your baby too!

5 beds, one baby

2012-01-23T08:29:00.000-08:00

You have all these visions and plans in your head about how things are going to work out when baby is home. Never say never! Hence, the sleeping situation!
Plan... he is going to sleep in the pack and play (bed #1) every night with the monitor on and all blankets off. Good plan, but he doesn't sleep that way. So he ends up in your arms and you both sleep hours at a time, warm and snugly, on and off the boob buffet as baby so desires. After a few ~~days~~ weeks everything in your head says this isn't a good habit and not to mention how unsafe it is according to the experts and research. Obviously, grandma doesn't like it either so she buys a little cosleeper basket (#2) that goes in the bed. But baby doesn't sleep and DH and I lose much more sleep trying to fit in the few inches of bed that's left. So he ends up in your arms and you both sleep hours at a time, warm and snugly, on and off the boob buffet as baby so desires. Grandma researches and reads about a cosleeper that attaches to the bed (#3) and she wants to buy it. Agree to try. DH puts it together and it's no different than the pack and play except that one side rolls down... but it does not extend the bed like we thought. So DH takes it apart and puts it back in the box (with one or two obscenities along the way). The original bassinet (#4) in our room that we borrowed from SIL? A make-shift changing area. If this baby can't at least see you through mesh, there is no sleeping. The crib (#5)? That's a whole other transition to the other side of the house that I am not ready for. He does like to lay in it, but only wide awake.
So, the latest plan is to move the pack and play into our bedroom and try to get baby to make it to the first feeding before ending up beside me. Do I get credit for at least having a plan? Why do I feel so bad and guilty for a decision that brings hours of sleep and makes me and baby both happy? Because I also think about the "what if" dangers and the habit that's already looking hard to break and that PC and I need to snuggle too... we have got to start reconnecting (another post for another day). But I also am not in favor of a whole night of "crying it out" or losing so much sleep that I have nothing left to be able to give him the best care possible the next day.

Update: I started this post yesterday. Baby made it through about one hour in the pack and play. He was fussy and we kept putting the pacifier back in until the full cry came. PC says at least it's a start... tonight we'll try for an hour and a half... baby steps:] Any words of wisdom appreciated unless you are going to side with grandma. Just kidding. We are trying to transition but, again, I've learned sometimes you will do what you have to do... so sad to be moving him (okay, and me too) from our happy place!

Pack and play, great at Christmas for staring at the tree!

In-bed cosleeper and bassinet on other side. Picture fools you- this is a 5 minute nap!

PC putting the other cosleeper back in the box, as good as a sport about it as he could be!

Crib, great for watching the aquarium!

Mom, snoozing away!

Crayons on the wall... already?

2012-01-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

Not quite. But we do have a big mess on our hands, literally!

If you haven't had to deal with the lovely thrush, consider yourself very lucky! If you have, you probably know about genetian violet. It's purple topical stuff that I put on my boobs and it ends up in my baby's mouth... but it is said to be one of the most effective treatments of thrush. We want to get rid of this nasty thrush because there is no freezing or storing breastmilk while it's active and because it causes white spots in my baby's mouth.
Anywho...
this morning PC took the baby for the 6 a.m. diaper change and he started yelling. I jumped up and yelled "is the baby okay?" He said "yes, but help!" Someone (me)- who has a big case of baby brain (if it's any kind of excuse) left the lid open on the genetian violet and then someone else (PC- who really can't be blamed but is just a little bit guilty by association) accidently knocked it over. A full bottle. Of stuff that comes with Internet warnings like this:
"Gentian violet is a powerful staining agent. Stains can be removed, but it's important to act quickly. The longer that nasty stuff sets, the harder it will be to remove."
Understatement. PC worked quickly to save the hardwood while I made a sad attempt to wipe the cabinets, while listening to a screaming baby with a dirty diaper. Finally I said "I've got to take care of the baby" and the rest was left to PC. Good news? He saved the hardwood! Bad news? He's out buying paint right now for the built-ins. We tried rubbing alcohol and the other Internet suggestion was Vodka, but we've been fresh out of that for nine months now!
One day it will be funny. But not today. Today, we are sick of PURPLE!
Here...

and here...

And I would post a picture of PC's purple feet but he is presently out buying paint. He took the cabinet door to the store to match up the paint and I'm wondering if he's having to explain to the sales guy that it is a purple stain that his wife uses to paint her nipples.

Okay, maybe we will go ahead and laugh!!!

TVT

2012-01-12T11:47:00.000-08:00

I'm joining in on TVT and it's not going to be pretty, but that's the point, right? I need it today!

Here it is... I'm feeling a ~~little~~ lot resentful of the differences in mommy and daddy duties. Hormones? Lack of sleep? Could there be a little Lupron left in my system?

Disclaimer: I am loving every single minute of this sweet time with our precious miracle!
But when PC gets home, I'm asking "can I get a bath" "can I have a minute to eat" "can I go to the bathroom." DH does all of those things and can get a haircut too! Y'all should see my hair...both colors:[ Over the weekend, I ventured to the grocery store for 1 hour and made sure it was a time when baby would be satisfied and food was ready if not. PC said "I'll call our niece if I need help." I'm not sure if he was joking or not but my expression was you must be joking! PC is a champ when it comes to diaper changes and laundry and all of my requests of "can you get this or that." He gets up for the 5:30 diaper change and makes sure that I can get a shower in the morning before he leaves for work. He goes to every appointment and is very much in love with this baby. He was my hero in the hospital and through the NICU experience and I still want to post about that when I can let my mind go there again. I shouldn't even be thought-vomiting about this, but my vision of more 50-50 baby care in the evenings just doesn't seem possible with breastfeeding. I adore this baby, I adore my sweet PC... but I just want to be able to use the bathroom without yelling "give me one more minute" because baby is crying in the next room and I feel bad for baby and dad.

There, TVT out.

Funny Firsts

2012-01-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

I can start a post while breast feeding too, loving the iPhone! Any suggestions of apps you can't live without?

Pictures- The photographer who did the newborn pictures came to our home when Hampton was nine days old. We just weren't ready to get him out of the house yet so she was super sweet to accommodate us! From this point on, we will just rely on mom's picture-taking skills since we can't afford frequent professional pictures (that money is still going on the IVF loan!) I love the naked newborn pics but PC thinks they make our little man look a little too pretty (he doesn't share my awwhhh so sweet thoughts) so I need to add some "little man" pics for daddy!

How about this one? This makes me laugh every time! Anytime our little guy sees something or does something new, his eyes get huge... then he decides if he likes it or not... then whether to cry or not.

Something else that makes me laugh. (Background- One of the nurses in the NICU gave our baby a pacifier during the night. I wasn't sure that we were even going with the pacifier but when I saw him hooked up to those IV's and getting comfort from the paci, I was fine with it.) So, H only likes one kind of pacifier and it's as big as his face. It goes almost out, then he quickly sucks it back in. You can see his little mouth from the other side, warms my heart!

Today we celebrated with our one month old by eating out at the W.affle H.ouse... maybe we'll go somewhere a little fancier for his one year old birthday but (again) we're still paying for IVF!
To baby- This might be a clue that we are new parents... we didn't know where to put you! I'm a little embarrassed to admit I asked the cook "where do people put the car seats" and he proceeded to say that he thought it would fit on an upside down high chair. That didn't work so we kind've wedged you between the table and back seat of the booth... there weren't many people eating there or we would have made someone laugh for sure! We are learning! Love you oh so much and can't wait to see what the next month brings!!!

One Month Randomness

2012-01-09T20:11:00.000-08:00

First, best way to start a post is to send some blog baby love out there with a newborn pic:]

It's amazing how he's changed so much already as tomorrow we will have a ONE MONTH old, wow!

Update on breastfeeding: Thanks for the comments and suggestions... you all are such a great source of support and information! I started pumping about 1.5 ounces yesterday, once in the morning, but so far it's been used within the next 4-6 hours to allow mommy to run to the grocery store and to get through our first church service. It has been so hard to figure out how to get out of the house with or without baby! I also think that our little guy's thrush has now moved to my breasts:[ Tomorrow I will be getting some gentian violet and vinegar to try and stop it before it really starts. This will be in addition to the Nystatin that goes into his mouth after each feeding and the probiotic that I'm taking. Good news is that he is up to 8 lbs 5 oz from his birth weight of 7 lbs 9 oz so we know he is eating well!

New adventures since the last post:

A tub bath- and he absolutely loves it... he hates to get out!

Lost the umbilical cord... actually, the doctor took it off which kind of freaked me out but it's healed fine since then.

First trip to a restaurant... he slept in his car seat while we ate fast!

First trip to church...slept right through!

Announcement cards are being shipped right now- if they turn out cute, I'll pass along the website. I typed directly on one of our newborn pics and ordered a large quantity for a fraction of the price compared to other sites.

In other news, PC got an i.Phone right before Christmas and didn't like it (wouldn't you know it) so I took it. Yes, I'm a Mac girl, but I was anti-iPhone for a long time just because I didn't want to be so connected to work e-mail and texting in my "down" time. But with a newborn, I am SO glad to have that connection... I can accomplish reading your blogs and a feeding at the same time, woo hoo! Don't worry, I'm all about the bonding, but our little guy is busy and happy while eating so he doesn't mind if I keep up with my blog friends! Besides, I usually learn something to add to the new mom tool kit so it's good for both of us. Now, if a smart phone could just do housework lol:]

Breastfeeding

2012-01-01T18:02:00.000-08:00

I'm going to jump in with a post about breastfeeding because 1. I've found the other posts/comments helpful and 2. it seems fitting to start the new year with a post about something that pretty much rules my life right now!

Here is what this amateur has learned but there is still much I'm learning each day!
GET A LACTATION CONSULTANT TO COME TO YOUR HOME, better yet skip the bonding time at the hospital and get the breastfeeding help instead--- just kidding! I must say that the lady at the hospital only wanted to rent me a pump and answer any questions... at that point I didn't know what questions to ask... not helpful. The consultant from our hometown that came to our house and watched everything I did... I could have spent hours with Dr. G.oogle and not learn what I learned in that thirty minutes!!!

Most important thing I learned in that amount of time...

Latching on: Support the baby's neck, hold your breast with the other hand and bring the baby to the breast. Rub their lips with the nipple and wait for a big wide open mouth before you fill it with boob... and get all that you can in there! Make sure their tongue is down and the lower lip flanges out. If you feel instant pain, put your finger in the corner of their mouth to de-latch and try again. If this part doesn't go well, breastfeeding may not even be an option because the nipples can become cracked (this happened to me in the hospital) or lead to lots of pain.

So, we master the latch even if it takes multiple tries. But then we ran into two issues. I have a strong let-down and (I think) an oversupply. Those sound like good problems to have, but instead it's caused issues for my little guy like gagging, gulping, major gassiness and (sorry tmi) greenish frothy poop... ugh, ugh, ugh and major ugh! The oversupply means that our baby is getting too much of the milk that comes out first, which is higher in calories but not enough of the milk that comes out last, which is higher in fat. So, he is not getting a balance and it leads to stomach irritation. To work on these issues, we're staying on one side for a long time, expressing a little bit of the milk in the case of a too strong let down and I'm making sure his head his elevated above the breast.

Next I want to figure out a time for pumping and how to store breastmilk for future feedings. But will that only make my oversupply problem worse? The tummy issues aren't completely resolved either so I'm not sure what else to do if those problems continue. Whew! No one could have told me how much work breastfeeding is! But I know it's good for our little man and "nothing good comes easy!" Back to the ~~boob~~ baby :]

Happy New Year!

First Two Weeks

2011-12-29T12:25:00.000-08:00

Wow, life with a newborn. There is not much time around here to be on a Mac or PC! We have been trying to settle into a new normal the past two weeks. We're working through two issues right now... a case of thrush and some slightly bloody stools. We've been to the doctor and have medicine for the thrush (and I'm taking a probiotic and not drinking any milk) and, because our little guy is otherwise very healthy and not running a fever, we just have to monitor his poopy diapers right now. Life changes when you have poopy diaper pictures on your phone... and send them to people for second opinions! Both issues are possibly connected to the strong antibiotics that our baby had in the NICU. Although I do want to remember the details of this precious time and everyone says "it goes by too fast" it's also very scary. Your mommy and daddy love you very much sweet Hampton and wouldn't hurt you for the world! We're trying to make every decision with your best interests at heart!

Question: Does anyone have any advice for thrush or have you had the experience of blood in the stools?

Things I want to remember...

How you sleep with both hands in tight fists by your face, one by your chin and the other under your chin

All of your funny faces and stretches when waking up

When taking a bottle, you make these cute little noises... eh, eh, ehhhhhh

After breastfeeding, you smack your lips

You are so happy with a full tummy

You start out in the pack-n-play at night but end up next to mommy, we both get our best sleep that way

Your "little" cry sounds like a car idling

Your "big" cry sounds like a laugh

The sweetest dimple on your right cheek

The way you open your mouth in a crooked way and stretch your neck when hungry... like a baby bird

How strong you are! I think you're going to follow your daddy on the mountain bike trails as soon as those strong little legs will reach the pedals!

The wide open, curious blue eyes that love to look in a mirror and stare at the fish on the swing and the Baby Einstein aquarium.

The laughs & shouts from mommy & daddy getting pee'd and poop'ed on, you'll think that's funny too one day but now you just stare at us like "get on with it and change my diaper!" (By the way, we are getting better!) Dad has been the laundry King! He is extremely anal about using Shout and getting everything to the wash ASAP.

You are a little guy with some major gas... I feel so bad when you're straining but the doctor said that he would be very rich if he could solve baby gas issues... so mommy will just have to be careful about what I eat!

I just keep thinking, is this for real? This is our baby... a baby that very much has stolen our hearts and changed our lives in a way we never thought possible.

Special Moments

Singing...

2011-12-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

Baby, All I Want For Christmas is YOU!

Merry Christmas from Mac & PC and our sweet little miracle!

The Birth Story

2011-12-18T18:44:00.000-08:00

I have already written NICU...which is a part 1... but here's what happened prior to that scary wake up call Sunday morning.

The Start
On Friday morning, I woke up about 7:00 a.m. with a crampy feeling. At this point, I had stopped getting excited over cramps and decided they were just gas pains.
Went to the bathroom and looked in the tp as I have every single day of this pregnancy and there was the mucous plug! I walked out of the bathroom and said to PC "OMG (and I'm not even a big fan of text lingo) OMG, I just lost my mucous plug... it could be hours now!" PC said "I thought it could still mean days." Me: "Let's think hours. Good grief, I have to go to the bathroom again." But I couldn't hold it and didn't make it... my water broke at 7:15 a.m. For me, it started as a trickle and then the "gush." It was the strangest feeling ever! And it kept coming... and kept coming...and kept coming... I yelled to PC "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh... my water just broke! We've got to go! But I need a shower... and to put a few more things in the bag... go ahead and put everything in the car...gotta call the doctor... I can't believe it!" PC by this time has jumped out of bed and was worried about a few work things that need to be resolved... one was a pie delivery. I asked him why he didn't have a back-up plan and that we were going to have a baby and could not be worried about pies!!! Anyway, we rush around for about 45 minutes making phone calls, showering and getting the car ready and finally we're off.

The Car Ride
I tell PC that I want to get a biscuit. He told me he didn't want to deliver a baby in a car and I told him everyone's advice was to eat something before labor & delivery and I was hungry! PC was irritated and driving 85 mph. I told him I really wanted to actually make it to the hospital. About 10 minutes into the drive (hospital is 30 minutes away), another gush. I had a mega pad on and a towel but it didn't help. So, I had PC make another stop at the Dollar General (one on every corner in the Southeast) for a pair of jogging pants and underwear. I was not walking into the hospital with wet pants, priorities lol. I had to change in the hospital parking lot. He also got a mega lollie... more about that later.

The Mega Lollie

The Arrival
We arrived about 9:30 a.m. and checked in. The nurse had to go with me into the bathroom and make sure my water broke. I was thinking... seriously? Confirmed and off to lucky room #7! They did my first check and I was at 2 cm. So much for the movie scenes where the water breaks and the couple barely makes it to the hospital in time! A nurse peeked into the room and told me my mom was in the hallway and asked if she could come in. We had specified to family that we didn't want them there during the labor... I just wanted the time for focusing on baby. But I'm an only child and we had one really excited grandma-to-be there so we let her in for a few pictures and hugs and promises to send updates.

The Labor
I was not feeling contractions that morning. So the walking began. We walked and we walked and we walked. At 6:30 p.m., I started feeling contractions and we didn't leave the room after that point. During this time, I wanted dark and complete silence. During each contraction, I was telling myself "closer to baby, breathe, closer to baby." I remember (and so does he) telling PC that his shoes were squeaking. I told him he was getting off easy with my need for dark and silence! I snuck in a few graham crackers and had a few of those during this time too. I disagree with the 'absolutely nothing to eat' policy... definitely a time that strength and energy is needed! I labored from 6:30 to midnight and just knew the next check would be a "10 and ready to push!" No such luck. I was 4 cm. Bring on the epidural.

Walking, walking, walking

The Epidural
I knew we had to speed things up with my water breaking. Epidural lady came and she was no nonsense. I remember telling her I was scared of this because I had scoliosis and she said everything would be okay. She talked me through each part and I remember her popping the top of the needle with her mouth, putting it in her other hand and tossing it across the room to the trash can, hitting it spot on. Funny the little things you remember but I was thinking "I'm in good hands here!" I didn't want the epidural for different reasons, but, in my case, I really believe it would have ended in a c-section if I had not because things were just not progressing and I was getting close to the point of being at risk for infection because of my water breaking.

From 4cm to 10 cm
From midnight to 4 a.m., they added pitocin

off the charts

Pushing
I remember telling the doctor "let's do three pushes and get him here!" He laughed and said that it might take a few more than that but we would try. He had to get a mirror for me and coach me through pushing where I needed to push but when I saw the head and hair, extra motivation kicked in! Hampton was born at 7:21 a.m. and then the room became a blur while PC and I cried and looked into the sweetest face I've ever seen. I remember telling him how long we had waited on him and how much he was worth it. Then he pooped, lol. But at least he waited until outside the womb, such a gentleman.


Welcome to the World

The "Push Present"
A sweet card and necklace from PC. It means eternity. Perfect gift from my P.rince C.harming:]

Little details
In conversation before the pushing, it came up that this was an IVF baby and we had tried for years. One of the L&D nurses said she had one unsuccessful IVF and adopted a baby girl and that we were giving her hope that they might just try one more time. She stayed through shift change to help deliver the baby and cried with us.

That darn mega lollie... it caught my eye several times during labor and I told PC to get rid of it... looking at it made me sick!

After I got the IV, they looked for the baby's heartbeat. It took her a long time and PC and I shared a look of sheer panic. It became the first of several and I remember saying later in the week "why can I not just get a baby home?!?"

I still had my bra on for some reason and it needed to come off. The nurses were having a hard time getting it around the cords and IV and I said "cut the bra." They were like "no, we'll help you save the bra." Totally a female moment!

Advice for packing for moms to be...

Lots and lots of socks! Some for walking on the nasty hospital floor, some for comfort, and cheap ones you can cut if your feet swell afterwards like mine did!

Disposable panties... they don't give you enough of these things but they worked during the walking/labor part and after labor because they stretch and-best part- you just toss them in the trash! My ob/gyn said we could purchase those in the lingerie department, another funny detail I remember.

Snacks... I wouldn't have had any strength without a few graham crackers here and there. I know the reasoning because you don't know if surgery will be necessary but sometimes people need emergency surgery and they haven't fasted... I was thankful for those crackers!

Cottonelle and colace to prepare for that first bm. Enough said.

HOME

2011-12-15T13:05:00.000-08:00

Thank you blog friends for your thoughts and prayers during my stay in the NICU. The doctors and nurses helped me to get healthier and stronger every day and I am happy to say that I am HOME!
Love, Hampton

Update... NICU... prayers please

2011-12-12T06:09:00.000-08:00

Blog friends, please say a prayer for our sweet little Hampton.
(Typing as fast as I can version because we're in survival mode and every minute spent with our sweet boy is the only way we're holding it together.) We spent all day Saturday rejoicing with family and friends. There is no way our little one didn't feel the love because of all the hugs, happy tears, smiles and baby adoring going on! Throughout the day he would spit up in a choking kind of way and the nurses said it was perfectly normal because he could have swallowed some amniotic fluid/mucous. We learned to use the little suction tool and all seemed well. Later that night, PC and I had about two hours before the next feeding and one of the nurses said they could watch him sleep for a couple of hours in the nursery since the spitting up was a worry and we could get a couple hours of sleep. We said that would be okay. One and a half hours later, the nurse comes in and says that Hampton spit up and it was green and she called someone from the NICU to come look at it and he was downstairs being checked out. Two things here- #1- PC and I would have not known that was cause for concern- sorry but we're amateurs here-and we would have thought 'mucous.' So, kind've a blessing in disguise that he was in the nursery when it happened. #2- You do not wake up any mother- and especially an IVF mother- and tell her that her baby is "down there being checked out." Within the next hour (when we could sort everything out...this is around 2 in the morning btw...) our baby had been hooked up to an IV, a chest x-ray was taken and he was on antibiotics. I called our ob/gyn and some people really got in trouble for taking these steps without the parents knowing... you girls could understand my anger, but I had to move past that quickly... Hampton needed me. So- green spit up is a cause for concern because it could indicate a bowel blockage, infection or (best case scenario) just a sensitive tummy. However, you have to rule out blockage/infection. His bloodwork that morning came back with a high white blood cell count which could mean #1- he's fighting infection or #2- (other best case scenario) sometimes it's elevated just from the birth experience and adjusting to their new world. He has been down there ever since and my heart is outside my chest right now, it's wherever he is. I'm down there as much as possible, only coming to our room for meals and meds and a few short naps when a grandma or dad is with him (dad's on duty right now and that's a different post- thank you God for my sweet PC). When I try to nap, I smell him on my hand and that's when I cry myself to sleep. He is doing so good... a little trooper meeting every goal... but they are not letting him go yet in order to totally rule out infection and watch him after more feedings to check for anymore suspicious color in the spit up. NICU is "they do not go until we're 100% sure he's a well baby." With newborns, every doctor & nurse has explained to me that timing is everything and pre-prevention and being overly cautious is what keeps babies from a more serious illness. I want them to be overly cautious but I WANT HIM HOME. AND YOU ALL KNOW HOW BAD I WANT HIM HOME. So please send some good thoughts or prayers for our sweet little guy our way... for this face... and this mama that has waited on this for almost six years. Thank you blog family! Love to you all! Back to my baby boy!

Introducing...

2011-12-10T19:06:00.000-08:00

Baby Hampton born 12-10-11 at 7:21 a.m.

More details to come but we are SO in LOVE
with our little Miracle Baby!
Indescribable.

He's On The Way!

2011-12-09T10:07:00.000-08:00

Water broke 5 1/2 hours ago. We are in the hospital and doing well. Prayers please... to be continued.

Official: Miserable

2011-12-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

Please let me explain before someone thinks that I have lost all memory of IF and the long- almost 7 year- journey it took to get to this point!

It's the "I'm in the middle of another 2WW miserable." One week down, another to go! Anticipation... nerves... what if's... all of those same thoughts that I went through 39 weeks ago during a very emotionally & physically draining time of waiting. Then we got the news that we had been waiting to hear for so long and now I'm waiting to be able to share the news of a lifetime!

Physically, I have to say that I'm just making it day to day right now. I'm still working and pushing myself to get things done but I'm swollen and ~~walk~~ waddle to try and relieve pain in my lower back and right knee. Tuesday is my last day of work and Wednesday we go back to the ob/gyn for an update. Last week we were 1.5 cm dilated and 25% effaced. I was so excited to hear that and then Dr. Google tells me women can be at that status for weeks- BOO!

Emotionally, I'm not in a (total) fearful state about pain and childbirth. I'm in a nervous/anxious state of wanting this sweet baby boy to get here healthy and safely.

In no way do I mean for this to be a somber post at such a joyful time, just that a major dose of anxiety has kicked in through another 2WW. Bring on the grand finale!!!

PC has been a true partner through all of this, but especially the past few days. Have I ever mentioned that he has been to every single appointment? He takes care of the laundry, keeps the fur babies fed and has been company for them when I just haven't felt like it, helps me with my socks and shoes, massages my back, puts his hand on my stomach every day to experience the baby's movements with me and so many more little things that mean so much. I haven't thanked him or told him how much I appreciate those things enough, but I really, really do! Today he gave me a pregnancy card that was meant to be funny but it brought on laughter and tears at the same time. Worth a share...

Laughed when I opened and saw the front (he knows how much I love to plan) and cried when I got to his note... everything is going to be okay with this man by my side:]

No one told me about...

2011-11-28T17:38:00.000-08:00

these sharp shooting pains in the lady part area! They come fast and without warning... OUCH! Seriously, I can be walking across the room one minute and crossing my legs the next because of what feels like a needle jab down there. Hoping someone can tell me this means baby is coming sooner than later!

We are pretty much in waiting mode around here. The bags are packed, the car seat is installed and the names are (at least) narrowed down! At 38 weeks, the birth stories keep rolling in. I want to hear them and I don't want to hear them at the same time. The only certainty is that every birth experience is unique!

I'm also getting the "how to bring on labor" suggestions. The most popular one is good 'ol fashioned.... bet you're thinking sex right now... nope, walking. One of my co-workers said to spend a day at the mall this weekend and she assures me that will speed up the arrival time! I'll consider any suggestions except for castor oil, no thank you!

The next ob/gyn visit is Thursday. Hoping he'll tell me things are continuing to progress. I want this little boy to come on his terms but I'm so ready to move from the belly to birth to the baby... can't wait for that day to get here!

The Nursery Tour!

2011-11-26T08:04:00.000-08:00

A tour of the nursery for our little one!

I think you can click on one of the pictures and the captions are easier to read. My favorite parts are the white shelf made with love (and blood/sweat/tears) by PC and the mural. We still have a few little things to do, like put his initials on the wall hangings (when we know the name!) and putting the monitor/mobile in the crib, but essentially we're just waiting to put this room to use! It suits our lifestyle and we hope that this baby boy loves it too!

So Thankful

2011-11-24T06:53:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for so many things this holiday but especially for this little miracle baby on the way who is letting me know he is wide awake right now and ready for some turkey:]
Last ob/gyn update- dialated to 1 cm! I realize that could hold true for days but it's progress! I have a friend IRL who reads our blog and thinks it would be very appropriate for a little Mac and PC baby to make an appearance on Cyber Monday, lol. We'll take him anytime he's ready!

I'm also thankful for the support that this blog community provides and for receiving the Liebster Blog Award from my friend Baby Hopes. She is an incredibly talented writer and everything she's passionate about shines through as she shares her (very busy) life and journey to get to her babies in the months ahead. Then, being the statistical analyzer she is, she defies IF statistics recently and conceives naturally... we still love her, lol:] So many of us are thrilled about what the year ahead holds for her and can't think of anyone more deserving, so happy for you Baby Hopes!

Spreading some Liebster Love on this holiday to some ladies who I'm very thankful for sharing their journey... they are in different places on the IF rollercoaster ride and they are strong, precious women who deserve nothing less than the best, which includes a baby (or two)! :]

1. China Doll
2. Foxy
3. Marilyn
4. Jen
5. A Miracle 4 Us

Here's how to spread the Liebster Love:

Copy and paste the award on your blog
Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers

Third Trimester (or 36 1/2 weeks) Recap

2011-11-19T09:11:00.000-08:00

Since I skipped the weekly updates... this is my improvising with the third trimester recap! Even though I still have 2-3 weeks to go this is one of those things to get done while I can! Latest ob/gyn update since we now go each week- negative on the strep B test (yay) and "softening, but baby still high and no dilation yet." So glad the little guy turned back around into the right position!

How far along: Weeks 28- 36 1/2- WOO-HOO!

Symptoms: Lower back pain, especially if I'm in the same position or sitting too long. Stuffy nose at night and experiencing a little tightening or crampiness here and there. Iron supplements= constipation= hemorrhoids= :[

Baby Related Purchases: We have been so blessed with all things baby through two showers from family/friends and one from my co-workers. The majority of my co-workers gave money towards our travel system. It is this one and we love it! We have already been practicing, lol.

Maternity clothes: I used to look at all of those medium maternity tops and think, will those really be snug in the coming weeks? Snug... how about I've had to go buy more size large tops and I'm down to about 3-4 that actually fit!!!

Sleep: Clockwork bathroom trips at 11:30 p.m., 12:30 a.m., 1:30 a.m., 2:30 a.m., and 4:30 a.m., any sleep revolves around those trips... thanks goodness for night lights and a hubby who always puts the seat down!

Best Moment of the Trimester: The baby showers and feeling the love and support from friends and family who are almost as excited as we are to meet this little one!

Strangest Moment: Just looking in the mirror is strange and puts me in awe at the same time. There is a little person in there and it's almost time for him to make his appearance to the world, so amazing.

Movement: There are no longer kicks but all of a sudden a little foot will push out the left side of my belly or a little bottom will root up at the top of my belly, strange and so comforting at the same time.

Cravings: Ice, Ice, Baby:] I don't know if it's associated with the low iron, but I want ice chips all day long. I had to go buy a bag of ice to put in our freezer at work and thank goodness our fridge has the built-in ice crusher. Eating has slowed down to regular meals and normal portions but I do crave something sweet off and on through the day, unlike the first and second trimester.

Gender: BOY and we are running out of time to come up with a name!

What I miss: Things that used to be easy to do and having to rely on people so much. I know they are happy to help but I'm so stubborn and independent that it's a little hard to accept sometimes. I wish I would have taken pictures of me painting my toenails recently, what a sight! Tried to use some yoga poses but that still didn't help with getting my hand and foot to meet around this baby belly!

What I am looking forward to: The arrival of this baby as soon as he's ready... we're ready!

Weekly (or Third Trimester) Wisdom: This is wisdom that I'm saying to myself right now-- time to figure out how a breast pump works, read instructions on the car seat/base system and finish packing!

Milestones: Five days from full-term, truly a reason to be thankful this Thanksgiving holiday!

Sticky Bun is the size of: Guessing he is around 5 1/2- 6 lbs since the last ultrasound!

Maternity pics & some randomness

2011-11-13T16:45:00.000-08:00

A good friend helped PC and I remember this special time by taking some really sweet maternity pics and I wanted to share a few here. I also need to share pics of the nursery and do a third trimester update soon... I need a blog "to do" list too:] I have a cold that's turned pretty nasty and have had to take my first OTC medicine in this pregnancy. Just thought I would share the dr.'s advice that zyr.tec, muc.inex, s.udafed and tyl.enol cold are all safe but if I had to take two of them, not to take two in the "d" form. I'm taking just the muc.inex d, but PC decided to take the dr.'s advice for his sinus issues as well and has had some great relief... he said "maybe it has finally taken an ob/gyn to help me" and we've been getting a good laugh from that.

We went to the ob/gyn on Friday and will now be going each week until the birth! I had the group B strep test (not painful, but not pleasant) and he did my first check down there and the report was "softening but nothing else going on and the baby is still high." Dr. B said he would try to slow any labor down until full term but that he wouldn't be worried if we had to deliver at this point. We are 10 days away from full term... so blessed and thankful to God to be at this point right now. So ready to meet this little guy we've been waiting on for so long!

OK, enough rambling. Here are some 34 1/2 weeks maternity shots!

Nesting vs Resting

2011-11-06T16:28:00.000-08:00

I asked a good friend why I didn't have the nesting instinct and she told me she had nesting mixed up with resting and gave me some encouragement to hang in there and that if I had to gain 30 lbs I looked good doing it! True friend, thanks LP!

I think my problem is wanting to accomplish too many things before baby gets here and then it becomes overwhelming... so I don't get anything done.

My "before baby" wish list would include things like...

all Christmas shopping done
all Christmas decorating done
house clean
make some frozen meals
stock up on "stuff"
finish filling out "before baby" parts in the baby book
put the ultrasound pictures and other keepsakes in a photo album
organizing all things baby
~~getting the car seat/base together (of course this is not an option)~~ PC got this done as I was typing this post! Yay!

That's what comes to mind quickly... it's a longer list than that. Really, does it matter? Those things would be nice but at this point I just want to focus on getting this baby boy here safely. My anxiety level is increasing daily and it's not about the actual birth, it's about being so close to something so precious and wanting it so badly. Everyone says I will miss the kicks and movement and maybe so, but right now I can't think of anything better than seeing those kicks and movements with a little person in my arms.
5 weeks... until the best Christmas present ever and I'm having a hard time waiting! I'm on an emotional rollercoaster right now and I appreciate y'all "listening" out in blogland. So close...

Hallo-weenie-dog!

2011-10-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

PC and I participated in our church's annual "T.runk or T.reat" this year by turning his sales-mobile station wagon into a (friendly) spider. A cardboard face, styrofoam legs, webbing and a few decorations later... we were ready for all the kiddos.

We decided to take our biggest furbaby along for the adventure since he's the best with kids. After an hour an a half of petting and greeting the little trick or treaters, he went over to the furbaby-mobile, climbed up in there and pouted... he had enough and was ready to go home. Does this face say it all?

How a baby is going to fit in to these adventures I'm not sure, but it's going to be fun trying!!!

Happy Halloween!

Birth Plans?

2011-10-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

I really don't have a birth plan all written out and rehearsed in my mind. However, with 6 weeks to go, I have started to think about what my ideal labor & delivery would be like. I do not have the "only going all natural" mindset at this point... wish I did. Being older and TTC for so long, I've heard all kinds of birth stories and I don't want to feel like I'm letting myself & the baby down if I totally have my mind set and it doesn't go that way. I have been reading about Hypno.birthing and a lot of the theory and techniques just make sense. My interpretation is that it's a way of "tricking" your mind and achieving a state of relaxation to reduce stress and tension that make labor pain more intense. It also talks about letting your body and baby do what they are meant to do and using positive talk like instead of "d*mn you, contraction" the talk would be more "this surge will bring me closer to meeting my baby!" I would have a hard time turning off the anxiety and mind-racing thoughts to get to the point of relaxation that the book describes... but it sounds so good and I'd love to try! I do have some things in mind that I would/would not like for the birth experience and plan on talking through some of these things with the ob/gyn on the next visit.

I would like to...

be free to walk, sit, stand, jump or whatever feels right during labor
have ice chips or small snacks

I would not like to...

be strapped to IVs or machines with limited movement
be induced or given pitocin unless absolutely necessary

Epidural? It brings on a lot of 'what ifs' but -again- no definite mindset of yes or no.
I have already prepared my parents, close family and friends that I do not want them there until the baby is born. My reasoning? It's the one time I want to be able to be selfish... to totally focus on the baby instead of being distracted by worrying about others being comfortable or feeling guilty that they are not in the room with me. Everyone except my mom is good with that plan. Hopefully she'll come around.
The point of my post is to document my thoughts about the way I'd like to introduce our little one to the world but I will take ANY way that means getting him here safely. That's the ultimate goal:]

On another note, I am SO excited about so much good news with several IF blog sisters here lately. Births & BFP's... doesn't get any better!

Baby Shower #2

2011-10-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was the baby shower that my mom has been planning for several weeks. She worked so hard and bought most of the food and decorations. Thank you mom! It was a small, casual get together at our home with family and friends. It was perfect and a very special time! Everything was decorated so pretty (or should I say handsome-ly for baby boy) and the brown and blue colors were great.

As yummy as it looks!

Blankets, bottles, outfits, monitor, toys, pacifiers, buggy cover, drying rack, pack-n-play, high chair... we are set! (Well, except for a name!)

Loved the diaper cake... so Mac & PC... just missing a mini-laptop:]

The punch was an idea from pin.terest and it turned out so yummy and cute!

The time went by fast and PC joined me at the end. Since he didn't get to open any of the gifts at this one, I had a special gift from me to him. He's had his eye on it and was really excited. Here's a look at it from the store... ready to run:]

Sweet PC, he worked so hard on our yard to make it look great for the shower... spread wood chips, cut grass, made a trip to the dump with wood piles, boxes and such, helped me make a fall display and pressure washed the driveway.

Thank you PC, and I know I haven't told you enough lately how much I love and appreciate you!!!

Last, here's my belly with 7 weeks to go! Can he keep growing but my belly stop, lol? I just want to hold this little boy that we have been waiting on for so long... home stretch, here we come!!!

Thank you God!

First baby shower

2011-10-16T19:11:00.000-07:00

This weekend, PC and I experienced our first baby shower. Add it to the surreal moments list!

Every month, we gather at PC's grandmother's house for a dinner. She passed away four years ago and PC's dad and aunt bought the house with the main purpose being to do one of the last things that she said... "y'all take care of each other." The house is still filled with her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren so it couldn't have been a better place to celebrate a new family member on the way. She would have been proud:]

The dinner menu for the evening was lots of yummy sandwiches and appetizers. The chocolate cake was sinful good! I loved that it was the regular family get-together so PC was right by my side. I hate attention so it helped so much to share the spotlight... even though the real spotlight is wiggling his way under my ribs right now:] We received so many sweet and thoughtful gifts! We had a 90 year old friend of the family to come who made us a crocheted blue blanket and told PC that was "to take to the hospital and if anyone sees a mistake, tell them it was made by a 90 year old woman who doesn't wear glasses!" lol. Will do. He got a hooded towel that says "little miracle." True words. He got three tubs of butt paste and one container of boogie wipes, keeping it real! Stuff to make our home safe, cute outfits, blankets, towels, wash cloths, soaps, lotion, diapers, shoes, gift cards and an ounce of silver Liberty Coin for his birth year. Cool. It was special and fun but overwhelming too.

My SIL did so much of the planning and I want to do something special for her. I was really excited to send everyone home with a thank you gift from us. It was a bag of popcorn and glass soda with a ribbon tied around it that said "About to POP. Thank you for celebrating with us." I saw the popcorn idea at another shower and added the soda pop to it and thought they turned out cute (will try to post pics). I also gave everyone a candle with a poem about saying a prayer for the baby... an idea that came from pin.terest. My niece calls this baby "Fred." Before we knew it was a boy, she called him bigbird, then he became Fred. I have no idea how it's stuck this long, but, since we don't have a name, everyone asks how Fred is doing. My FIL put FRED on wooden letters on the fridge. Funny. We better get serious about a name or Fred is going to stick... and that's not one on our list!

The next baby shower will be hosted by my family & friends this weekend and will be held at our house, no stress there. It will be small and casual, which is great with me. This is all so sweet but I really don't need the gifts, I need this little boy, that.is.all. Eight more weeks... then it's time for the REAL gift!

Still here...

2011-10-09T19:22:00.000-07:00

I really have not meant to abandon my blog or those who I follow! I'm reading and commenting when I can and the rest of my time has been devoted to an ever growing to-do list. My must-have-everything-in-order-before-baby mentality has been in overdrive the past several weeks. I wouldn't call it nesting, there has not been a lot of cleaning going on. Instead, things like getting job duty notes ready in hopes that someone will be substituting for me while I'm on leave, putting a life insurance policy in place (something I meant to do long before pregnancy), doing a consignment sale, making some coupon trips, planning baby shower thank you gifts, participating in a book study with church... yada, yada. Busy, but I'm so missing my time right here!

Tomorrow I go to the ob/gyn to see if baby boy is still breech. It feels like he's in every direction in there so I can't tell. This weekend is our first shower with PC's family. It's a dinner/shower and I'm so happy they've planned it that way so that he is every much a part of it as I am. The whole "women only" more formal-type showers seem kind've sad to me because you're missing your best friend/partner at a time that's really special to them too, but -alas- I've agreed to one of those too later this month. (Hmmm... not sure if all men would like doing the whole shower thing, but still feel bad they're left out.)

I have a feeling the next few weeks are going to be fun but overwhelming at the same time. Physically, I'm starting to give out. My 5'2" frame is being pulled and stretched to the limits. I don't see how the baby has any wiggle room in there but I'm glad he's finding it! I am anemic in the 3rd trimester which has led to an iron supplement and changing my diet to add more oatmeal, greens, beans and (gross, I know) chicken livers. I'm admitting that I'm wiped out or whimped out or a combination with 9 weeks left, uh oh!

Last thoughts for those still reading... you would think after 5 years of dreaming of baby we would have picked out a name, but we never let our hearts or minds go there. Now, getting closer than ever to a dream come true and we still do not have a name. For some reason, we keep leaning toward an "H" name and these are three "contenders" Hudson or maybe Hutson for a little different pronunciation or Hampton. We've always liked Jake and/or Beau but those are being placed more in the middle name contenders. Any thoughts on our "H" names? No one will hurt our feelings unless you just say 'those all stink' lol! These are just the names that have stayed on the "list" from the beginning. We're open to suggestions!

Hope to blog more in the coming weeks and can't wait to meet several little miracle babies who were part of the March/April IVFs that resulted in BFPs. Forever thankful to be in that group and hopeful that those who are still waiting will get to soon say the same!!!

Second Trimester Recap

2011-09-19T17:32:00.000-07:00

Since I skipped the weekly updates... this is my improvising with the second trimester recap! I cannot believe I'm heading into the third trimester this week... it seems like just yesterday I got the phone call that has since set our lives in a new and wonderful direction. Blessed and beyond words for how thankful we are to be at this point in the pregnancy!

How far along: Weeks 14-27

Symptoms: Pregnancy brain... putting boxed food in the fridge for example, many nightly potty trips, some acid reflux for the first part of the second trimester, stuffy/bloody nose, some swelling in ankles if I'm on my feet for an extended time and oh-so-fun hot flashes for the past couple of weeks! Still... not complaining, just documenting:]

Baby Related Purchases: More yardsale finds... onesies, a wipe warmer, a bumbo seat, baby carrier and some toys. Oh, PC and I also bought the bedding, a simple but sweet brown and blue pattern (below). I finished our registry and there are some groups of friends/co-workers who want to go in on the bigger items (pack-n-play, travel system, etc. woo-hoo!) Grandparents bought the nursery furniture and he already has a closet full of cute clothes thanks to grandma!

Maternity clothes: I hit the jackpot this trimester with being able to go through two tubs of clothes from ladies my size who are done having babies. Pants for $5 and shirts for $3... so I now have a complete fall/winter maternity wardrobe, all for under $100... score!

Sleep: The boppy has been a big help but the trips to the bathroom have never slowed down, bleh. I would say a night with 5 or more hours of sleep would be called a successful night!

Best Moment of the Trimester: Finding out the gender! Feeling him kick and flip around in there!

Strangest Moment: The movement has been strange and so reassuring at the same time.

Movement: Finally, a little each day around week 19 and usually around the same time of the day. From week 20 to the present, the kicks and flutters have been a constant reminder of what a miracle all of this is! I didn't feel him move much the day before a recent doctor's appointment so I left work early to go to the appointment because I (along with PC) was starting to stress out a little. I ate chocolate, laid on my side, drank fruit juice, poked him... and could not get any strong movement. Dr. B6 did an ultrasound and it turned out that the little guy has recently turned completely frank breech and I was feeling less movement with the new position and his longer sleep cycles. Dr. B6 said he has plenty of time to flip back around... let's hope so.

Cravings: Arby's roast beef and curly fries, nectarines and blueberries, mint chocolate klondike bars, captain crunch cereal, and must confess....I've had a cup of coke or sweet tea pretty much every day this trimester.

Gender: BOY

What I miss:   Sleeping with PC, but I would feel worse keeping him up through the night...

What I am looking forward to: Completing the nursery and holding him, getting a step closer to a long-time dream every day and it brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it. If only we could decide on a name!!!

Weekly (or Second Trimester) Wisdom: Let people help!

Milestones: Entering the Third Trimester!

Sticky Bun is the size of: As of week 27, he is 2 lbs 3 oz with his head measuring ahead of schedule and his legs measuring behind. The ob/gyn says not to worry and it sounds pretty much like his parents' genes anyway!

(No) Labor Day!

2011-09-05T11:34:00.000-07:00

Labor Day has started off in the recliner on a rainy day, still in pajamas, with weeks worth of catching up on blogs as the task at hand:] PC has decided to make his work day as light as possible so he's had his nose in a book (or guess I should say the Nook) this morning too. A rare but welcome change of pace in our home today.

As far as news with Baby Boy (still no name)--- we're both growing! Total weight gain so far has been 15 pounds and I think most of it arrived the past three weeks! It's also spreading to my backside and my ankles and my hands... but we'll worry about that later, right?!?

We haven't seen him via u/s since July but I do know he is there with all of the kicking and flipping that goes on throughout the day. PC and I found some great bargains at a yard sale this weekend... a babybjorn carrier, a keltikids backpack carrier, a bumbo seat, a boppy, a box full of good toys, crib sheets, changing sheets- all for $70. I know these are all things we could put on a registry, but getting these things used for a fraction of the original price means I can reduce the registry to some true essentials like diapers and such. My mom bought him the cutest outfit, I love this...

PC and I are just working and trying to take one day at a time as we have 14 weeks left in this pregnancy... can't even believe that as I type it!!!

Now back to catching up on what's been going on with all of you the past couple of weeks!

Viability & Vocation!

2011-08-24T18:29:00.000-07:00

Long lost blogger here to say "24 weeks today BABY!" I don't have to share the significance of that here... a milestone that we've been waiting on! It feels like, from this point on, I can count each week as another big step forward in getting closer to our little miracle baby.

Maybe we should really start figuring out a name for this little guy!

No time like the present to tell you all why I've been an absent blogger since mid-July and the "name game" is so difficult. I've never really said exactly what my job is here because the purpose of this blog has been so entirely separate from what goes on in my professional life. I also never wanted to risk someone IRL coming across this blog and misinterpreting anything. However, I rarely mention my work here and have no intentions of using this blog for discussing anything that happens at work so I'm not worrying about it anymore! What a blog "mouthful" to say that I'm an Assistant Principal of a PK-5 public elementary school with close to 650 little people. I've been absent in blog world to get everything prepared for a new school year and then they all showed up! Whew! My job was tiring without being pregnant! That's another reason it's so hard to narrow down the list of names! Every name makes me think "that name belongs to that child" even though I know our child can share a name. (Well, minus those of repeat offenders, lol!) I've had a few little kids point and ask "is that a baby in there?" I just smile and say "yes it is" and go on with business as usual.

Infertility is hard for everyone but for those of us in education, it is especially difficult to give so much of your life to taking care of other people's children every day... and wanting so badly to share some of those experiences as a parent. It was all I could do to hold back the tears at the end of the school year when I was still keeping it a secret that I was pregnant and our Pre-K students sang about saying goodbye to their friends and being ready for Kindergarten. I can't wait for those special moments... with camera and kleenex in hand of course:]

Doggie(s)

2011-08-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

I'm so behind in the blogosphere I don't know when or if I'll ever catch up! I went back to work last Monday and the month of August continues to be a blur right now! I did find time this weekend to have a photo shoot with our furbabies in order to put their pictures up in the nursery. Will it be okay if our baby's first word is doggie? :]

From one IF to another

2011-08-03T15:10:00.000-07:00

The following is a recent email conversation with another IF sister that I know IRL. She went through IVF a few years ago and it didn't work. My heart hurt to type the words "I'm expecting" and hurt when I got the response because I want this so badly for her too. I'm posting the conversation here because our words to each other would be so foreign to those who never had trouble conceiving. But it's as if we spoke back and forth in true IF language and I will always remember what it was like to get to this point and that I have friends through the blog world and IRL who are still fighting and how much I want you/them to WIN.

Me: Hi B! I wasn't sure if you had heard the news that I'm expecting. I wanted to tell you that we went through IVF this past spring... I only had 5 eggs... 4 fertilized... 2 normally (none to freeze) and one stuck! It's hard to send this to someone who I want the same outcome for so badly on this journey that we didn't ask for. I know you will still be happy for me... not holding a baby yet, but closer than ever to beating infertility.

M! No, I hadn't heard! I must say, I'm glad to hear it from YOU! I know it's hard to share with someone who deals with infertility but I'm so glad you did and of course I'm happy for you! I'm glad you only had to go through IVF once. It's not the most enjoyable experience is it? We still have 5 frozen embryos...as I was so friendly reminded when the "storage" bill arrived recently. Not sure when we'll go through the process to use them...time is running out (turned 38 this summer....ugh.) In the meantime, we've recently begun paperwork to adopt from China. The wait is really long, but our hearts our led to see it through. Back to your good news....please take care of yourself, enjoy, breathe deeply, and take in every precious moment. You deserve it and are going to be such a great mom!!!

Me: Thank you! I couldn't have gone through IVF more than once financially, physically or emotionally so I'm certainly counting my blessings. I missed so much work and my backside is still sore from the progesterone shots that ended 8 weeks ago! People think that IVF always works the first time and results in boy/girl twins, so far from the truth! We just got a bill yesterday for the back-up (required) sample of frozen sperm... people just DON'T know! It's not that I want anyone to experience it, but some level of understanding and sensitivity from the fertile myrtles would be nice. I'm excited to hear about the adoption process and I will pray that it happens sooner than later for you! Just know that you have a supporter here and I will be celebrating when I get the same update from you!!!

Eek...haven't had those progesterone shots in a while, but I can feel your pain...literally! And I think it hurts our husbands as much as it hurts us! You are so right that people just don't know. One year when we had several pregnancies here, someone said to me, "you should drink from the water fountains." REALLY? I can't even respond when people say stuff like that because I'm so dumbfounded and speechless. I could go on and on about comments from the fertile myrtles, but I won't. I'm sure you've heard it all, too!

Life is Good

2011-07-31T17:27:00.000-07:00

This week, PC and I painted (windows open and fan on) and put up some crown molding in the evolving baby nursery. We had family over all weekend to celebrate PC's birthday and my sweet cousin stayed with us to paint something special on one wall of the nursery. We LOVE it. The theme for the nursery, as well as our lives, is Jeeps, Dogs and Books:]

Have I said that this still feels like I'm living in a dream? Have I said thank you God that we are preparing a room for a little miracle baby boy? Have I said... Life is Good. Dog Gone.

Happy Birthday PC!

2011-07-28T06:01:00.000-07:00

In one year, some things don't change.

You still find time to do things with your nieces that make them laugh and adore you even more.

Then, some things do change.

As you get ready to paint and prepare a room for your son.

The journey gets more interesting and there's no one else I'd rather share it with. You are a wonderful husband and this little boy will be very lucky to have you as a father. I love you, PC! Happy Birthday!!!

Boppy & need decorating advice!

2011-07-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

I'm still laughing about all the scary rocker horse comments. To be fair, I should probably post a pic sometime of the entire rocker to back-up my earlier statement that it looks like "it belongs in a museum." That picture shows his "belongs in an asylum" features, lol!

#1- Boppy- If you are pregnant or when you do get pregnant, I want to say the Boppy Total Body Pillow (shown in the middle of the day bed) has been great! My mom bought it for me and I was weary at first because it just looked big and bulky but let me say "move over PC." (Awww, for 20 more weeks anyway!) I have just started sleeping in our guest room on the day bed because of 2-3 nightly trips to the bathroom and all the tossing and turning, and PC is a light sleeper so it's for both of us! Anyway, I put pillows behind me and then wrap around the Boppy and it's the best I can do for comfortable side sleeping.

#2- Decorating advice- I know there are some decorator/designer blog buddies out there and I need your help! We have these built-ins on each side of our fireplace and I can't think of anything to do with them. I love the storage space below but the top is so boring. How would it look if I covered them with some type of fabric? What else can I do with the space? Any and all advice appreciated!

Mid-point ultrasound & scary rocker horse :]

2011-07-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

First, I just wanted to say that the comments on the last post were great thoughts on childcare but I realized what I wrote (oops) sounded like my MIL could keep the baby full-time and I turned her down. For several reasons, she would only be able to keep the baby 1-2 days a week unless we were in a real bind. It would be ideal if I could find someone (or a great daycare) 2-3 days during the week and the grandparents could do the other time... so I'll be praying for the right person or situation to cross our path in the next few months:]

Earlier this week we had our mid-point anatomy ultrasound...un-believable... and I'm beyond thankful that we've made it this far! Surreal. They scanned the brain, heart, arms, legs, boy parts, profile, bladder and he posed for each shot, lol. The u/s tech called him Mr. Photogenic and I told her I hope that would be true after he gets here because I love to take pictures! My mom has already brought up that too much flash may hurt his eyes...gracious... let the advice begin, right? I have to show y'all one of my favorites... doesn't it look like he's flexing his muscles and showing out already?

It was a fun appointment and made things feel a little more real for us. We won't get to see him again via u/s for several weeks so I hope that he starts moving around in there more frequently. I also got blood drawn for what Dr. B6 called the 'quad screening' which checks for levels of four substances that indicate risk of Down's Syndrome, spina bifida, or Trisomy 18. Dr. B6 says he doesn't see anything that causes concern and the main reason for the test would be knowledge and preparation if something did come back abnormal (which would mean more testing). It's always nerve wrecking waiting on test results but I have a peace about everything. I think the next test coming up is the one for gestational diabetes and then maybe I'll have those kinds of things behind me for the rest of the pregnancy.

Lastly, remember this post about scary rocker horse? I promised a picture when it came to live with us and it now resides in the basement for the time being. It didn't scare the dogs so maybe we'll be in luck when it comes to the baby:] However, I rounded the corner last night and my heart nearly flew out of my chest... and I knew it was there!!! What do y'all think? That's real human hair, people. Baby's friend or foe???

camping, childcare, etc.

2011-07-18T11:28:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we went camping with PC's parents and his brother's family. Please tell me... where will we put a baby... much less any baby stuff?!?

Yes, that is a small a/c unit. We rigged it up on the screened porch end of the tent so that me and baby didn't get too miserably hot. (I still think we were roughin it compared to the others with RV's complete with water, a/c, and bathrooms!)
We had a good time. We tricked my FIL by giving him a pink gift bag. There was a blue onesie inside that had "Team Grandpa" on it. He has claimed from Day 1 that I was carrying his grandson so we wanted to have a little fun with that. Really, he would have been happy with another little granddaughter to have wrapped around his finger but this little boy is coming after a long line of girls on PC's side so that's okay too!
In one of the baby conversations on the trip, SIL asked me if I had thought about childcare. I told her I would like to find someone to keep him in their home or someone to come to our home rather than daycare until he's a little older. MIL told me (later) that her feelings were hurt because we hadn't asked her to keep the baby. To tell the truth, I never thought about asking a grandparent to change their routine to keeping a baby 40+ hours a week. Help us? Back-up? Yes! PC and I have known since we started TTC that we would be a two parent working home and we would just have to make it work like many other families in the same situation. We wouldn't leave our child with just anyone and we wouldn't choose a daycare blindly... the grandmothers are going to have to trust us on that! Whew! Overwhelmed thinking about all this already!

Boy oh Boy

2011-07-07T05:59:00.000-07:00

120 miles + $40 + one cup of orange juice later

= one active little BOY on the way here :]

Ecstatic!

Boy or Girl?

2011-07-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

Wish we knew! Arrrghhhh! I have admiration for those of you who wait and want it to be a surprise! I don't want to wait any longer but this little one is not about to unlock those legs despite all the pushing and pleading Dr. B6 was doing today! The cord was wrapped in the middle area too so that further blocked any kind of "money shot." SO... I called around this afternoon to find a place that does 3D/4D ultrasounds/gender scans and I asked them to work me in asap! At this point, I'm willing to pay to find out pink or blue. Any advice out there? Should I drink a forbidden coke? What can I do to get this little guy/girl moving around in there?!? To be continued...

Humpday Hero Award

2011-06-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

I am super excited to be today's recipient of the Humpday Hero Award over at The Stork Drop Zone! I wrote a message to my readers in the post and honestly feel that the true award belongs right back to all of YOU! Thank you so much to whoever felt I was worthy enough to receive the honor! I wanted to display the button proudly so I opened my e-mail to ask Carlia how to do it and she had already sent instructions...awesome... a big thank you Carlia for creating the award and keeping the IF sisterhood even more connected:]

First Trimester Recap

2011-06-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

Some co-workers were telling me they wrote to their child while they were pregnant, they read and sang to their belly, etc. I thought about writing in a journal but I knew I would never keep up with it. I told PC I was already behind in keeping some sort of record of this pregnancy and his response was "Did your mom do that?" (No) "Do you think my mom did that?" (No) "Then is it something you really have to do?" (Well, I guess not) Then, it occurred to my pregnancy brain (save that for another post) that I have recorded my thoughts... a lot of them anyway... right here!!! However, I have not included a weekly update so I'm going to improvise a little and use the list below for the First Trimester.

How far along: Weeks 1-13

Symptoms: Some off and on nausea the first few weeks that subsided around week 9 (never threw up!), excessive saliva (very first symptom that has never went away... I went from lemon drops to bubble gum to just dealing with it), sore bbs just for the first couple of weeks, strange and vivid dreams, 1-2 nightly potty trips, tired most in the early afternoon, my least favorite- constipation, overall- just happy to be in this place

Baby Related Purchases: To baby... love you dearly but you will find out that I'm always looking for bargains. No worries, grandma has already loaded you up with some of the cutest things and is fussing at me about how her "grandbaby isn't going to have all used stuff." Nevertheless, we've bought a used-but-in-excellent-condition pack-n-play, swing, monitor, a couple of outfits and a diaper genie. We're looking and researching about things for you that will be all new such as a crib, furniture and travel system.

Maternity clothes: Yes, I can't button regular pants. I've gained 5 pounds and I can't button over it or under it!

Sleep: Wake up 1-2x a night to pee... if I can work in a mid-afternoon nap, one of my most favorite places to be is in the hammock chair on the back porch, oh so cozy... PC snapped a pic one afternoon

Best Moment of the Trimester: Telling others, especially my mom

Strangest Moment: It's been strange, in a good way, just to think about another little life growing inside of me!

Movement: Not yet, but I am listening to your sweet heartbeat every day:]

Cravings: Salty & sour over sweet, just about everything I ate during the first six weeks I couldn't bear the thought of eating the next six weeks... felt bad for PC because that included his favorite, Mexican food.

Gender: Have a prediction based on our last ultrasound, but waiting until our next appointment on July 5th to make it official.

Belly Button: In... is it supposed to pop out? That will be freaky, I must say!

What I miss: sushi (when a craving strikes) and I could use a little extra dose of energy... hoping that's around the corner

What I am looking forward to: Second Trimester... finally announcing blue or pink...feeling movement

Weekly (or First Trimester) Wisdom: Keep crackers or nuts or something in the car when hunger strikes! Invest in expensive toilet paper for all the extra trips to the bathroom! Read The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy. Enjoy every single sweet second:]

Milestones: The First Trimester!!!

Sticky Bun is the size of: somewhere around a lemon and apple... when people ask how big you are, I speak in terms of fruit!!!

And... the end of the first trimester bump...

Random-ness

2011-06-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

We have been failing in the furbaby parent department. Our Gentle Giant (below) has had a persistent skin problem on his chest area since he was a puppy. We haven't ignored it but we've just kept it under control with meds, regular vet checks and daily brushing. The groomer told us last week those things are just not giving him enough relief:[ So, our precious big boy (in addition to what we've already been doing) is now on a gluten free diet (btw- Rachel Ray dry dog food is good stuff), topped with yogurt and omega oils and a nightly spray on his chest of diluted apple cider vinegar and white vinegar in the ears. He stinks, but it already seems to be helping!

I wanted to respond to the question about the fetal doppler. I bought the Contec pocket fetal doppler with LCD that sells on Amazon from $58-80 depending on whether or not it has the LCD screen. There's another one advertised (Hi Bebe) for $99 and it has more reviews. The one I bought works fine as you can gather from my last post. I use lotion instead of any gel and (so far) our little one stays in about the same place so the heartbeat has been fairly easy to find. I'm looking forward to feeling movement and this tool gives me some reassurance until that happens, or while I'm waiting on the next ultrasound. I recommend one... the ob/gyn said it's very safe and I can use it as much as I want. I've pulled it out for my nieces, the grandparents and just about anyone who comes through our front door!

Book recommendation- I have a very good friend- thank you LP- who has passed on some great baby items to me along with a book, The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy. I highly recommend this book when you get your BFP! The author (a former play.boy centerfold, btw) tried for over three years to conceive so she also knows that it's just not that easy. She writes from the perspective of what your girlfriends would tell you about pregnancy rather than your doctor, and it's hilarious but full of good information at the same time. There are short statements throughout the book for DH to read too!

Speaking of DH, I didn't get him a gift as a father-to-be but I hope that we have many, many years ahead to celebrate. If this is a baby boy, it's my hope that he turns out to be a mini-PC in every possible way (well... with two exceptions... eating habits and computer preference)! The world would be better place with another man just like him! :]

Have a great week blog friends!!!

Hello, My name is Miss Mac...

2011-06-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

and I'm a fetal doppler junkie. Must get my heartbeat fix daily! Today's fix... 154 bpm :]

Still Here!!!

2011-06-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

Two weeks since my last post, yikes! I have been wrapping up things at work to be off for a few weeks and we just got back from a three night beach trip. We really didn't engage in too much baby talk during our drive except for making comments about where we would put its stuff!

About two hours from home, I started having long, sharp cramps that went from the left side to the right. I recognized them immediately as IBS "pain before poop" cramps (sorry TMI). For about two hours, I had the cramps and then the lovely trips to the bathroom, which also included throwing up once... UGH! That was never pleasant prior to pregnancy but it scared and worried me to the core! I had to remind myself that women get stomach viruses and sickness during pregnancy and to trust my body to protect our little one. I bought a fetal doppler off of eb.ay and it was in the mail when we returned from our trip, good timing. We found the heartbeat (around 140 bpm) pretty quick and that helped ease my mind a little.

Today we went in for a check-up and the ob/gyn (Dr. B6) didn't have us scheduled for an ultrasound but after the cramping episode, he offered and of course we said yes! The baby was relaxing in there, hands above his/her head and little legs crossed. Dr. B6 made a gender prediction but doesn't want to officially "call it" until the next ultrasound, three weeks away. So, that's to be continued...

Dr. B6 did tell me "I know you don't want to hear this, but it is getting time to normalize this pregnancy. I know you went through a lot to get to this point, but you have a normal baby in there and you need to realize it." I simply said, "that's hard to do." I really do want to embrace this pregnancy and look at baby nursery stuff and think about names... I'm just not there yet but I'm getting closer every day!

Peace and a unique gift

2011-05-28T19:10:00.000-07:00

PC and I finally got to a place of peace yesterday where we felt good about sharing our news with co-workers, friends and extended family. At my place of work, pregnancy announcements are made on the e-mail system and the subject is always "great news." I bet I've read 20+ of those since I've worked at the same place (with lots of women) over the past 10 years and I never thought there would be one with my name beside it. It was a surreal moment to hit that "send" button. The comments I have gotten back have been those of genuine happiness for us and I will always cherish each response. In the e-mail, I gave credit to modern medicine as well as prayers for our blessing on the way because I want my story to be out there for anyone who may need to hear it. I've already had two people to share their struggles with me and I'm telling them I am there to listen or to be a support in any way possible. Why do so many suffer in silence and have to feel so alone? 1 in 8... that's a lot of people who need each other! And, yes, I will always be 1 in 8 because a pregnancy does not erase everything it took to get to this point. It just says "I'm getting closer to beating you IF!"
Back to our peace...it came during yesterday's ultrasound. I was so worried all morning because of my week without many symptoms. This little one put on quite a show that said to me "Stop worrying so much, I'm having a good time in here." Good time indeed. He/she bounced off the top of it's roof, landed cross legged, repeated, then put his/her little baby butt on the big screen. Here's a pic of the first bounce...

PC and I are on the reserved, quiet side and I'm already getting the impression we have a little attention-seeker growing in there! It is such a wonderful feeling to walk away from a good ultrasound. It keeps the worries at bay for a few days anyway.
We visited my mom today and she said she had something to give us that she had been storing for two years. I had no clue what it could be. It turned out to be this solid wood, beautifully painted rocking horse with big teeth, bulging eyes and real human hair. Y'all- we tried our best to be positive and excited for my mom but I have been so tickled ever since from something that looks like it might give a child nightmares and/or result in an ER trip! I will have to show you all but (for now) we are leaving it at my mom's house because we didn't have enough room in our car to haul it back. I'm not trying to come across as ungrateful at all. The details and woodwork are amazing! Mom estimates that it is worth nearly $300! But it looks like it belongs in a museum rather than a nursery! (If by some chance my mom has come across this blog and has never told me... I love you dearly and the scary rocker horse will probably turn out to be a big hit, it's just the initial shock of something so unique!) I really believe one of two things will happen... our child will ride that horse like it's the real thing while we hold our breath that it stays on the ground or it will be terrified of it and we'll say "if you don't clean your room, I'll go get Mr. Horse" and the child will have a spotless room. (Sorry if this is a major parenting mistake, but my friend got amazing results from calling up Chuck-e-Cheese when her child was being defiant!) Either way, I think scary rocker horse is going to end up in a lot of memories!

A bump, a project and a worry

2011-05-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

First, the bump. I know it's freaky to crop out my head but I'm just not completely ready to bare all in blog world... yet. Really, this is a combination bump + bloat leftover from all the hormones. I can wear most of my capris, but they are tight. I come home and put on elastic waist anything..... and it feels SO good! I'm still wearing all of my regular shirts but bought two maternity shirts from Old Navy to wear this summer, and I'm wearing one in the pic.

The project. Do you ever have an area of your home that is neglected for a whole season? That is exactly what happened all winter where our garage is concerned. We let stuff accumulate and swept once or twice on a warm day (although it's not evident from the before pic). We had a beautiful weekend in the southeast so the garage got a total makeover. Right now, I'm taking an extended break to blog because I am pooped! We cleaned out, swept, mopped, organized, and then I embarrassed PC by making labels for everything. He (smirkingly) said "are you doing this so if we die everyone will know where stuff goes?" And I (smirkingly) replied "exactly!" He had no more comments! Alas, the before... (I've also had other priorities... like IVF!)

And the finished product. We made enough room to bring up a spare fridge from the basement that's used for PC's job so we still have that left to do.

And, finally, the worry. I hate to end two positives with a negative, but I can't help it. I haven't felt any symptoms this weekend. No cravings/aversions/off and on nausea/sore bbs/tiredness... I've really just felt normal with the exception of sneezing and a runny nose that I'm pretty sure can be blamed on all the pollen. Everything I've read says that pregnancy symptoms come and go. I'm at the end of week #10 and I think some of the earlier symptoms start to taper off at this point. Still, you know it didn't stop me from POAS. And the darn $1.00 store tests rarely show a test line that's darker than the control line. It makes my mind race with more worries, especially since I switched from PIO shots to suppositories this week. I'm driving PC crazy about it. I know there are some ladies out there who are shouting right now "enjoy... I wish that were my case" because they have been so sick. I feel bad for complaining about not feeling yucky. I just wish I could see in my uterus right now! Five days to the next ultrasound and that feels like such a long time!

I see getting through the first trimester as such a huge milestone. I'm currently in another 2WW to get to that point and my prayers haven't changed... please stay with me and keep growing little Mac or PC!

Last PIO

2011-05-16T18:51:00.000-07:00

Tonight= Last PIO shot:] My backside says "yay!" PC says "thank goodness!" Tomorrow=PIP (progesterone in privates) twice a day until week 12:[ Four more estrogen patches to go! In a way, I want to hang on to these medicines because they've become a type of security blanket. Things only an IVFer would say!

Thinking of Baby Hopes this evening, who has not gotten two lines from her first IVF cycle. I know we share many of the same readers and you will all join me in sending a big virtual group hug her way! She is such an encouragement to so many on this journey and I wish I knew when we will be able to celebrate wih her... because I know we will!

A Food Story

2011-05-14T11:48:00.000-07:00

I just had to chronicle this strange and almost comical love/hate relationship with food in the first trimester. I must admit that when I used to hear women comment that they just "had to have so and so" I was mentally writing that off as an exaggeration, fabrication or a combination of those two. I was oh.so.wrong! Warning: Don't read further if you're in the first trimester and have full m/s (so sorry). This post probably won't help!
My food story starts with weeks 4-6 that were filled with
ginger ale
lemon drops
all things salty & sour (especially chips & olives)
pop tarts & bagels
pizza
beef jerky
combos
lots of Mexican food
and more meat than veggies. Some fruits. Adult prenatal vitamins.
Cross all of that out in weeks 6-8 with the exception of still preferring the salty and sour and then it was
cheese grits
cheese
biscuits
fish sandwiches & hushpuppies
salad
hamburgers
sour popsicles
sprite
and gum, ice cube peppermint to be exact. Different fruit than weeks 4-6. Flinstones chewables.
Now I'm at week 9 and thus begins a new food love affair that includes
fruity gum
gravy & biscuit
fruit with cottage cheese
noodles & pasta
soup
peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and I haven't gotten a pack of those baby carrots yet but I fully intend on doing so this weekend.
Again, my reason for posting is because I think it's so funny how it really is true that I don't control what I eat right now, my mind/body/stomach controls me! I'm not going to force myself to eat something that just the thought of it brings on the gag reflex, so I eat whatever feels right at that time. My problem is that the crossed off list keeps growing! I'm hoping there is a veggie phase coming up soon! Seriously, I am so thankful that I've had (thus far, knock on wood) mild nausea that comes on and off through the day (mostly before it's time to eat and at night) but without throwing up. I read blogs of women who have at home IV's to help with their nutrition or those who have to nibble here and there just trying to keep something down (thus the warning at the top of this post). I truly believe that this process is one of such miracle magnitude that it's a good thing for the body to be in control of this love/hate relationship with food. Whatever the reason, I'm so happy to be along for the ride!

Blogging on the Backburner

2011-05-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

Blogging has been on the backburner here lately because somewhere around week 8, my energy level dropped to near zero and exhaustion has taken over. No wonder there is a nesting stage... it's needed to get everything back in order from doing next to nothing! Bring it on! Last week was filled with busy days at work and crashing in the evening. I have at least been attempting to read and comment on your blogs before my nightly crash.

I had five years and nine months to think about how I would treat a pregnancy... do exactly as the doctor said, eat tons of fresh fruits and veggies, only drink water, etc. Give me a Big Fat "F!" My prenatal vitamins started to bring on the gag reflex last week so I skipped two days until finally resorting to Flinstones, childhood old faithful. (I checked with the doctor- take two and add DHA, good to go!) I've developed aversion to water, seriously. I was doing so good and all of a sudden, I want anything but H2O! I still order it when we go out but I'm having way more juice and sprite than I should. The good news about my eating? I want nothing to do with sweets, unless you can count gum and an occasional piece of candy. But let's look at today and you will cringe... butter biscuit with grape jelly for breakfast, soup, sandwich and salad for lunch (not so bad), fast food fish sandwich (gross!) and fries for supper and cantaloupe and cottage cheese for an evening snack. This is the best I can do for my miracle baby? Miracle baby, by the way, has sprung a tiny little set of arms and legs that we saw yesterday on our "stalking the ob/gyn to get an ultrasound before he goes on vacation" visit. PC said he/she looked like Casper the Ghost and the ob/gyn agreed. I prefer they not refer to this precious little being as a ghost, but at least it was in reference to a friendly one!!!

The past four years, we've "ran" on Mother's Day weekend... a quick get away and time spent with each other. This year we stayed home (partly due to our depleted savings) went to church, napped and ate dinner with PC's family. My mom, grandma, and two close friends told me "Happy Mother's Day" and it just felt weird. Yes, I'm closer to being a mom than I ever have been but it still sounded like they were speaking to me in a foreign language. Surreal. At work, there were several "Happy Mother's Day" mass e-mails and my heart still hurt and it still felt like a sting. It doesn't go away. On the hormonal flip side, PC said and did absolutely nothing and I let that hurt my feelings. We're in unchartered territory and I guess I thought it would have been an appropriate day for him to at least say he was excited. The only indication PC has given me that he is excited is when he put our first ultrasound picture as the background on his cell phone, replacing a picture of his favorite president. Men just process and respond to situations differently, I should know that by now!
Hope everyone is having a great week!

OB/GYN Mission: Accomplished

2011-05-03T16:50:00.000-07:00

You ladies are right, sometimes we just have to take control and if it requires stalking the ob/gyn, that's what it takes!
Dr. B6 (my 3rd times a charm ob/gyn since TTC) called me back before lunch today. He is full of enthusiasm and energy and empathy... I need him! I gave him the short version of our IVF cycle and told him that I really wanted at least two more ultrasounds through the first trimester. He said that would be no problem and if insurance didn't cover one of them, he would! I told him that the protocol that we were still following from the RE included PIO, estrogen patches and no sex...yet. He made it clear that he would follow that protocol and said that our first time being intimate since this process started may be difficult but it would be important for us as a couple. He said it's as if we would be-----are you ready for this----- revirginated emotionally. It was such a serious conversation but that phrase made me want to lol. I had to write it down on my calendar to remember to tell PC. PC agrees with Dr. B6 that it is very important that we reconnect in that way as soon as we can. Of course. Truth be told, if we were given the "green light" tomorrow I still don't think it would happen for a little while longer anyway. Anyways, I now have ultrasounds scheduled for weeks 9 and 11 so mission accomplished!

I'm feeling pretty good right now. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry! I've been keeping crackers and nuts in my desk and in the car for those moments. During weeks 4-6, I could eat anything, had little or no nausea and tender bbs but tolerable. During weeks 6-8, I only want to eat certain foods, nausea comes and goes (but no running to the bathroom), the bbs are pretty much back to normal...maybe a little bigger, yippee! What I'm really loving this week... Mayfield Sour Popsicles! I wish it were fruit instead but maybe that will be next week. Shouldn't fruit flavors count for something???

Introducing...

2011-05-02T17:28:00.000-07:00

A future Mac fan, don't you think?

When we got to the waiting room, Ms. Hateful Hurry u/s tech called another patient back and PC and I literally whispered "oh no" at the same time. She turned our way and I was really hoping she hadn't just heard us! I don't think so because, to our suprise and delight, she was patient and NICE!

I told PC before the appointment "I can't see anything so as soon as you see the heartbeat, but ONLY when you see it for sure, give me a thumbs up!" So, I got in the position and turned my head to PC. He had his thumb in the middle... waiting, waiting... it went up a little, then back to the middle... finally- thumbs up! Note to fellow IVF'ers, this wasn't the best idea I ever had. Those seconds felt like hours!

The u/s tech gave us the measurements and then she turned on the doppler. Omg. The first time, I didn't hear anything but the wahh wahh of the machine, but today it was bump bump bump... 167 bmp of music to our ears!

Oh, I don't think I've shared that I have good luck prenatal panties! Maybe I shouldn't share that, but too late. They are VS gray with little sparkles and I have worn them (no worries, always clean) to retrieval, transfer and both ultrasounds. I do realize they come off before each procedure but I take some comfort in always having the same undies ready for each trip to the RE. It's like I pull them out of the drawer and it gives me some kind of "we can get through another milestone" self-talk moment. What will I do when they no longer fit?!? I digress...

We graduated today! They release patients at 8 weeks so now the only thing left of our clinic is the estrogen patches, PIO shots, the bill and (let's not forget) one little Mac or PC! On the way home, I called to set up my first appointment with the ob/gyn. They gave me this or that reason why the next available appointment isn't until four weeks away... no way people! Later, I called back and left a message for the ob/gyn to give me a call. If he hasn't called by tomorrow afternoon, I will call him back. I am not opposed to ob/gyn stalking! I only want to ask him for VIP treatment through the first trimester. I need to tell him, "the RE got me pregnant, now please help keep me that way!"

We just feel so fortunate right now but the fears keep hanging on. We keep pushing back the timeline for telling everyone beyond our immediate family, a few close friends and our pastor. We're at 8 weeks and I've told PC, let's wait until the 10 week u/s. At that time, I will probably say let's wait until 12. I clearly have seen and heard the heartbeat and have the pictures of this little living being within me... why am I doing this? When will I truly believe that this is our time for a miracle that we've so waited and prayed for?

Quick Post

2011-04-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning is starting out nice with a buttery blueberry muffin and blog catching up! It's a beautiful day in the southeast. PC is outside with his iPod blasting while he works on home improvement projects. We are very lucky that our community was spared from the recent tornadoes as so many of our neighboring states were not so lucky. We have a basement with a storage area that also serves as a storm shelter and I'm glad we have it but hope we never have to use it for that reason!

In pregnancy news, we're two days away from ultrasound #2. If all goes well, it will most likely be my last appointment with the RE. I have a blog friend who was at the same point of graduating from the RE when she was given the devastating news that they couldn't find a hearbeat. Please send Angie some support. This is especially heartbreaking news in the lives of those who battle IF. Thinking about you Angie!

Telling Family

2011-04-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

This weekend we let family in on our little secret. It was the perfect weekend because we had family dinners on both Saturday and Sunday. We told both sets of parents by giving them an Easter card with our first ultrasound picture in the back. The inside said "Happy Easter and Merry Christmas!"

PC's parents got teary and told us they were very happy for us. BIL gave me a hug and our nieces were wide eyed and had the "really/are you serious" reaction. It was sweet. There were some aunts, uncles and cousins there and everyone was genuinely excited for us.

Today, on Easter, was the day to tell my mom. I am an only child. I was raised by a single mom. Those who know her, love her. She is the life of the party and you just don't mess with her friends or family. I think most of her lively spirit skipped me. The last concert I went to was Ray Stevens (another story for another time) and the last one my mom went to was Kid Rock. Case in point. She is a breast cancer survivor and lives life to the fullest. All that said, I am her baby and she has never been shy about making it known that she wants a grandbaby! Even before PC and I were married, she started talking about "when I have grandbabies" this and that. After two or three years had passed I made it known that it might not be in our future. She started blaming herself for my infertility... something about taking medicine for nausea while she was pregnant with me. I told her it was not her fault that I had lazy ovaries! Most of the baby talk subsided... until today... we were all at my grandparents house and had just surprised them with a get away trip for their birthday. I took a card over to my mom and told her "Happy Easter" and she said "awww...thanks." I gave her the same card that we gave PC's parents and my mom was a little slow, lol. She said "why does this say Merry Christmas?" I had drawn an arrow to the next page and told her to keep looking. She stared, put her head closer to the card like she needed to see it real close, then started bawling out loud. I mean loud, happy sobs. PC caught the whole thing on his cell phone. It was so cute... she was sitting on the loveseat and her legs started pumping up and down during the sobs. Everyone was like, "what did you write in that card?" She showed the card to my aunt, then she started crying, then my granny... then the hugs. My cousin had brought a friend with him to dinner today who none of us really knew and my mom went up to him and said "I'm gonna be a grandma." So funny. It was very, very special. She told me I would never have to buy a single diaper. PC was like "oh yeah!" I don't know that my mom would want her pic out on blogland but here is one of many with her mouth open in an "omg" way. I gave her the Grandmother Willow Tree Angel in the gift bag.

It felt good. Contagious, optimistic joy that PC and I needed a good dose of. We told both families that we only want to share the news with family right now and we would appreciate their prayers. We told them it's early and the next couple of weeks will be especially important.

Here is my short and simple Easter prayer and if anyone is reading this and feels led, please just tell God you second my prayer:]

Dear God- Thank you for this Easter Sunday and the promise of new life. Thank you for this little miracle baby who is so loved already. Please let his or her heart keep beating strong. Please let him or her keep growing safely within me. Amen.

For those reading who are still in the trenches of infertility and waiting on a BFP, I want you all to have a day like this. I can't wait to celebrate with you!

Ultrasound Update 6w2d

2011-04-22T16:24:00.000-07:00

Skipping the details first since this is what inquiring minds want to know:]

One precious little heartbeat at 108 bpm and an over achiever measuring one day ahead at 6w3days! Everything is where it should be and I'll try to scan the picture soon! Good Friday=Great!

The little details-
We waited about thirty minutes before the appointment and there were two couples with around three year old boys in the waiting room. You know they were most likely the results of modern medicine and it was nice to get that hope stirred up before the scan. When they called us back, I was so disappointed because it was my least favorite ultrasound tech. She's always in a hurry, can be hateful and just always has a debbie downer presence about her. So, as soon as she left for me to change I shared my thoughts about her with PC and this was his comment as we were leaving the room "How can someone give you such happy news but you leaving feeling sad?" She worked her "magic" on him as well. Anyway, she told us "I know you'll have questions but let me do my work first and then I'll turn the screen around and let you know what you're seeing." At least she didn't keep us waiting too long and she said "I see one embryo with a heartbeat." She takes some pictures and then turns the screen and asks if we've been pregnant before to which I answer no. Then she points out the amniotic sac, the yolk sac where the baby is getting it's nutrition, the embryo and the heartbeat. She told me that the heartbeat is within normal range but they would like to see it higher at the next scan in 10 days. If that's good, they will release me to my OB. I asked her if we can have a picture and she said she would lay one on my file. I tell her that we've been waiting to tell our parents and here's how she wraps it up, "Yeah, I would wait until the next ultrasound... the next few days are the most tricky. But then again, that's your choice. You can get dressed and take this up to the front." See what prompted PC's comment? Good grief.
We took our papers to the front desk and the lady took it and said "what a big baby you have!" Yay for someone smiling for us. We made our next appointment and were on our way. We didn't talk much on the way home. We are thrilled and those are all things I wanted to hear today, don't get me wrong! We're more thinkers than talkers and that was just our way of processing the news. We're both okay knowing it's one growing in there! On some level I'm sad that one didn't "stick" but God knows what is best for us. We went to the grocery store then came home and slept for a couple of hours. We're both drained from this ongoing roller coaster ride but we can rest easier that we've made it through another hurdle!

All in all, it was a Great Friday and we have lots to look forward to this weekend. We are telling our parents regardless of the warning from debbie downer today... they are the people closest to us we need their support right now! Thanks for all the positive wishes yesterday!

Let Good Friday be Great!

2011-04-21T17:39:00.000-07:00

Well, it's the night before the big ultrasound #1 tomorrow morning. I am beyond nervous. Please, please, please let tomorrow be confirmation that everything is as it should be! During this 2WW, I bought about ten dollar store HPTs and I have P'dOAS at least every other day just for some kind of reassurance. The dollar store tests have not let me down as far as two lines but the test line has not been as dark or darker than the control line. After using so many OPK's, I can't get past that two lines means pregnant regardless of which line is darker. My sore bbs are really the only consistent 'sign' that anything is different right now, but even that's only noticeable when I hug PC or lay a certain way. If I'm hungry, I'm h-u-n-g-r-y and everything tastes better with salt, but that's not much different either. No nausea or at least nothing close to running to the bathroom. Just a bit more fatigue than normal. No glow... where's the glow!?! I've also figured out that blog reading does not always help with working on the worries. There are a lot of IF sisters who, after months or years of TTC, get a BFP only to experience heartbreaking losses. I'm not immune, and I can't help but to be so scared of the unknown.

Here are my happy thoughts right now... if we do get a good report... we're going to tell our parents since we'll see them both over the holiday weekend. Moments I've only been able to dream about.

Please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow for a Good Friday that turns out to be Great!!!

IVF FYI... part 2

2011-04-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

One more post about things I learned from others to get through IVF#1 as related to PIO shots. I have been reading blogs but I am behind on comments this week and hope to spend the rest of the week before our first ultrasound (deep breaths...positive thoughts...) catching up.

PIO shots

This is the routine that worked for us. (Prior to any of this- at Egg Retrieval- the nurse drew some helpful "x marks the spot" places on my backside.)

Put an ice pack on my backside for about 5 minutes. (Some people say not to do this because the ice will hinder the oil from spreading, but that hasn't been a problem so far.)

PC holds the PIO bottle to get it warm while my backside is chilling. Some bloggers suggested putting it in your bra works just as well. (However, we chose 8:30 each night and I am usually in pj's and sans the bra by that time!)

Put my "toasty toes" in the microwave for 3 minutes. This thing has been a lifesaver! A lady where I work makes them... it's filled with corn and stays toasty for more than an hour!

Wipe the PIO vial w/ an alcohol swab.

Fill syringe with 1mL of air, draw up the PIO, change the needle to a 25g 1 inch.

Lay the filled syringe under my "toasty toes" for 15-20 seconds, not long- barely warm. NOTE: Made a big mistake here... PC and I were talking and I left it under there too long. I got it too hot and it was more painful than any other injection... I burned my inner butt, ugh.

Then I hand it over to PC. The SAME conversation (not that anyone needs this info. but it throughly documents the experience), give and take a few words, takes place:
PC- Relax your hips
Mac- I am... go
PC- Waiting on alcohol to dry
Mac- It will be ok
PC- I'm going right here in 3, 2, 1... stick... all clear... 1/2 way...3/4...done
Mac- Good job, thanks babe

I also asked him if he checked for blood the first few times until he started getting mad at me for asking every time. I figured it's not a good time to have him mad at me!

PC holds the beveled edge up and does a dart-like action. It's really not that bad of a stick. The only time it's hurt is when I overheated the oil and a couple of times he pushed a little too hard trying to get the oil out.

Afterwards, I put a piece of gauze on the area and walk/massage for 2-3 minutes.

Last, I sit on the corn bag to warm the area for about 20 minutes.

Sometimes I'm sore the next day, sometimes I'm not. I think it may have to do with how much I relax my hips but when I try to focus on relaxing my hips, it makes it worse. We've done these for going on five weeks now and they're a literal pain in the a$$ but if they are creating the best environment for this little one, I will gladly grin and bear it!

IVF FYI... part 1

2011-04-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

I'm putting together some different posts about things I learned, and keep learning, (mostly related to meds) through the IVF process in case something might help someone else. We're so very fortunate that we got our BFP from IVF#1... I've read blogs of women who have gone through the process two, three and four times and I'm in complete amazement; they are much stronger than me. I am not posting any of this because I think it's the "right way"... instead, maybe someone can learn from my trial and error! In fact, I am an example of what not to do because clearly I flipped out with my first injection! These are just tips and tricks that helped me and most of it came from advice from other blog readers, web surfing, and (as mentioned) trial and error. Besides, I'm also in the 2WW until my first u/s and need something to distract me and blog about while I pass the time. And I like bulleted lists:]

Appointments

I kept a bag ready just for all those appointments with a calendar/notepad, usually some reading material, bottle of water, pen/pencil, germ-x, panty liners, cash for the parking fee, pair of socks (in case I was wearing sandals... I'm a socks in the stirrups girl) mints and random other things I considered appointment essentials. I dropped my wallet and phone in there each time and this became my purse on those days.

During the time of frequent visits, I had to do the injections at the clinic since it's a long drive for us. I would just pack my meds/needles the night before and found it helpful to drop the Lupron down in an old pill bottle and put a cotton ball over it. I was always worried about a spill or something breaking.

Meds

One of the most helpful things for us was setting everything up in one room on a table. (AKA- the wannabe nursery room.) The bathroom is right beside it so we could wash our hands and then all "supplies" were within reach. I even put my prenatal vitamins on the table so I wouldn't forget them.

I didn't realize until the second or third night of injections that the little see through part in the lid of the vials was the "trick" to getting all of the liquid out. You can pull back while pulling the needle down and see what you're doing to suction it all out. Didn't leave any in the vial after figuring that out... probably something I should have learned at injection training!

When they extended my meds by one day, those vials came with Q-caps. Oh, how those made life easy. If you have the option, they save time!

Some people are lucky that the stims do not burn. I blamed the burning on Menopur but when I stopped using it, turns out the Bravelle was the culprit the whole time! Anyway, what helped me with the burning was pinching myself a little. I watched a few youtube clips of women doing the injections and one girl talked about how she focused on the pinch and that got her focus off the stinging and she was right! Somehow it made it easier to tolerate thinking I was causing the sting rather than the medicine. Mind over matter?

I kept getting confused about when to change the estradiol patches so I started writing the date on them. Problem solved!

This was probably a crazy OCD-type thing to do, but I always wanted to do the Lupron injection on one side and the stims on the opposite side and then rotate. It made me feel like I was balancing out the meds, not because someone told me to. So I would write an L on the small round bandages I used to stand for 'Lupron' and kept up with rotating the injections that way.

What I need a tip/trick for... how in the world to get off the sticky stuff from the estrogen patches!!! I've tried soap, baby oil, scraping it... I promise that I DO bathe but that stuff doesn't come off!!!

Part 2... PIO shots and side effects

And the winner Is...

2011-04-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

Now what are the odds of this?

Commenter #16 belongs to the person who inspired me to do a giveaway because I won her first giveaway, cool! Congrats to Carlia at The Stork Drop Zone for winning the clips and notepads! Thanks to everyone who participated and I already have an idea for the next giveaway so please join in again!

No worries in the works

2011-04-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

This is my mental ring tone here lately...

Worry...
Worry, worry, worry, worry
Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone

I had a whole post written about constant worries that consume my thoughts. PC read it before I published it and told me that it would not be support or encouragement to my blog readers and y'all deserve better. I'll say it one time a year, he's right. Bottom line, I'm just having a hard time putting the worries aside. I'm letting infertility hold my mind and heart hostage and I'm the only one that can change that.

One or both of these three day old miracles believed in me and now it's my turn to believe in them!

Blog Give Away!

2011-04-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I was the recipient of a blog give away from sweet Carlia at The Stork Drop Zone. I was so excited, I never win anything! Carlia is always coming up with ideas to bring the IF community closer together, her posts are honest and helpful, and one day I'm going to ask her how to create buttons because she does an awesome job with that! I'm pretty sure she's headed toward her first IVF cycle and I really hope it brings her a BFP! I had every intention of sending a big "thank you" her way but it got delayed a little because I was in the middle of the IVF madness and it took me a few days before I could do the online shopping (which provided some stress relief btw) and use the $15 code at the CSNstores website. Anyways... since it was IF/blog related... I purchased a sweet little interactive baby book. My thinking was, if this IVF brings a BFP, I've just purchased the first item for a little Mac and/or PC:] We are major bookworms, so it's very fitting! If it didn't bring a BFP, it was going to be a gift for the next baby shower, and believe me, there's usually one around every corner. But I sure wanted that little book. Anyway, it came the day before my beta and I left it on the porch until I got the news. I know. That's extreme, but some of you share my jinx feelings! Later in the evening after I got the BFP call, I brought in that little gift-to-self-via-blog-give-away and it was a sweet moment to know that (hopefully) this little book is staying right here! So, thank you very much Carlia!

The blogosphere has been a great support system and I want to join in and give back as well. Up for give away is a cute little set of notepads and binder clips in the new Vera Bradley pattern, Lemon Parfait. This pattern reminds me of spring and new beginnings... and someone may be able to put these to use in organizing for treatments or (better yet) OB appointments and such. It's not much, but I'm so excited to have the chance to give this to someone. I like to do things really simple. If this is something you would like to have a chance to win, please leave a comment that lets me know you want to be included in the drawing. Then, this Thursday, I'll either figure out how to do one of those random number drawing things on the Internet, or, I'll do it the old fashioned way and put your blog names on a little slip of paper and have PC draw a name:] Keeping it simple... Good Luck!

Beta #2

2011-04-09T15:01:00.000-07:00

Another good phone call today. Beta #2 was 519. I thought maybe it should have doubled on Friday and again today but the IVF nurse said the RE's were very happy with these results. I have no reason not to trust their expertise thus far so I will (try) not to worry! My RE only does two beta counts. So, here I am again in another 2WW until the first ultrasound, aarrrggghhhh! It's scheduled for Monday, April 25th. I know enough from reading blogs and Internet searching that betas cannot determine singleton or twin pregnancies but (in the meantime) it's fun to wonder! Anyone want to make a prediction?

P.S. Please check back tomorrow because I plan to show you something special I won on a blog giveaway and invite you to participate in one of my own!

Thanks once again for all of the encouragement here! You all are THE BEST!

Day after Beta #1

2011-04-08T07:14:00.000-07:00

I appreciate each and every sweet comment from yesterday's news! I plan on making the blog rounds this morning and I can't wait! It was all I could do to type the short post because it was such an emotionally draining day. Here's what went down, although you all already know the best part!

Sorry for all the details below but I want to document the special day here.

On Wednesday afternoon, I sent the e-mail below to Nurse LLD and this was her response. Love her!

Will call you ASAP after getting the results. Lets think positive!

-----Original Message-----

Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2011 3:17 PM

Subject: tomorrow

If I don't see you in the morning, I'm having blood drawn for our beta at 7:30 a.m. Will you please give me a call as soon as you get the labs? I'm just about on the brink of going crazy through this wait! :] However it turns out, thanks so much for all of your help the past several weeks.

We left around 5:45 a.m. and I had my blood drawn by 7:35. The lady that draws my blood asked if I did an HPT and I told her I just couldn't do it. She said she thought that was good to wait but I was only the second one she had tested all week who didn't POAS. I started questioning my decision, but it was too late at that point. The "call" was going to be my answer.

We stopped by Chic-fil-a, which has become our "tradition" on early RE days and then I ran in Target to get some more vitamin water (yum, by the way!). We were home by 10:30 a.m., PC left for work (I've had a few days off this week for spring break, woo hoo), and I fell asleep in the recliner until he came back by the house around 12:00. Still no call. I ate lunch, started googling everything related to 12dp3dt and the phone rang a little after 1:00. My heart was about to come out of my chest to see "Nurse LLD" on the screen even though it's the call I had been waiting on all day.

Me: Hello
Nurse LLD: Hi... M?
Me: How are you?
Nurse LLD: Good, and you?
Me: Just waiting on your call.
Nurse LLD: Well, are you ready for some good news?
Me: (Getting so excited) I would love some good news!
Nurse LLD: Well, you are pregnant.
Me: Yay, Yay, Yay... I can't believe it! What was my beta?
Nurse LLD: It was 249.
Me: That's a good number, right?
Nurse LLD: Yes, that's good.
(We work out the details for coming back on Saturday for Beta #2)
Me: Thank you so much!
Nurse LLD: Congratulations!

I'm one of those people who saves all of my emotions somewhere inside and puts on a strong face until it gets to the point where those emotions just can't be contained... when I hung up the phone, I started crying almost 6 years worth of built up emotions!

So, I called PC but it was really hard to get the words out with the monsoon of tears and it sounded something like this:
Me: H-e-y, I--I j--j--u--s--t g-g-o-t t--h--e c--c--a--l--l.
PC: It was negative. It didn't work.
Me: No, I'm sorry, I can't stop crying. It was good news. We're pregnant.
PC: (Silence) Really?
Me: Oh, hold on Nurse LLD is calling me back. (Poor PC)

I thought, omg, she gave me the wrong information! That's how guarded I am... but she forgot to remind me to continue the estrogen patches and PIO.... whew.

I go back to PC and tell him everything is good and hurry home! Then, you can guess what I did next! I P'dOAS and was still nervous that it wouldn't confirm what I had just been told. It was a CVS brand test that clicked into place with a little window that, within a few minutes, said "Pregnant." First ever BFP on an HPT! I think I'm going to have to go buy more today and POAS all weekend! :]

I somehow whipped out the blog post, took a shower, got the tears under control enough to go get my estrogen patches refilled and came back home minutes before PC. We hugged and I asked if he was excited and he said he was dizzy:] Well, I was hungry! We went out to eat and we got to have conversations that we've never had... it ~~was~~ is a strange feeling! Things like "I think this is my child with all the sour & salty I've been wanting to eat but I think this is your child because I sure am gassy all of a sudden." And, after he told me it was too much trouble to bring a mattress into the living room, I said "I think the rules are you are supposed to be nicer to me than you have ever been right now!" (I didn't say they were sweet conversations!)

You all are the only ones who know our special news. We told a few IRL people that we got a good report and things are going well. Unless one of them has come across this blog, they really do not know how good the report was. Believe me, if we get another good number on Saturday and we get a good report at the first ultrasound, it won't be long until we're shouting it to the world. (But not on FB or "in your face" kind of way... IF has given me much time to think about what I would and would not do.) The fact that it took modern medicine + prayers to get us here will never be a secret. I have too many sisters here and IRL who need to hear that miracles can happen. I realize that I'm not holding a baby in my arms right now and that would be the ultimate miracle, but a BFP after 5 years and 9 months of TTC, it feels pretty darn close to a miracle to me.

I always talk about the hurdles and I realize there are some more big ones to get through in the coming weeks, but I want to enjoy living in the moment right now. Thanks for allowing me to share it.

Thankful Thursday

2011-04-07T10:36:00.000-07:00

BETA: 249

Thank you God. Thank you modern medicine. Thank you God+modern medicine. Thank you PC. Thank you blog family.

The tears won't stop flowing... and I'm okay with that.

I'm pregnant and I am beyond elated.

LOL, 10dp3dt

2011-04-05T06:16:00.000-07:00

Yep, you know the 2WW is getting to you when you get the following comment box and you LOL because it reminds you of yet another side effect of progesterone.

I am 10dp3dt but I just cannot POAS. I've spent 5 1/2 years of time and tears on HPT's that shouted "negative" at me and I only want to POAS when I know two lines will be shouting "positive" back at me!

This will more than likely be my last post before the beta on Thursday. I hope to join the other cycle sisters who have gotten BFP's recently! I don't have to say "wish me luck" here because you all have been doing that since cycle day 1. Instead I will say a heartfelt "thank you" from me and PC for all of the support in getting to this point.

7dp3dt

2011-04-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

It's been one week today since the three day embryo transfer. Half-way through the 2WW, woo-hoo! I haven't had anymore cramping/twinges for the past couple of days. I just feel "normal" and I wish I felt "pregnant" but I don't know what that feels like! You know those stories you read about women who just knew? I'm not one of them:[ Good news from my P4 bloodwork, it was 20+ (nurse didn't know the exact number) so I don't have to add any more to the PIO shot.

I'm trying to line up some distractions... Today, we caught an early movie (The Lincoln Lawyer) and we'll go back out for dinner in a little while. Tomorrow, we're supposed to go to church shoe-less (should be interesting) and then I want to plant a few strawberry and tomato plants later in the day. I don't think all the distractions in the world will keep me from not thinking about the Thursday phone call after our trip to the RE!

Something happened at our dinner with BIL/SIL that caught me off guard. They are part of our small, IRL support group who know a good bit about what we're going through although no one can really understand what's involved unless they've actually been through it. Anyway, I showed them the pic of our embryos and BIL was like "those are in you? Two? Twins? Yay! Yes... it was always my dream to have twins, that is great!" All of this happened before I could tell them there are several more hurdles to get through. When I was able to tell him what still has to happen, his demeanor totally changed and he just looked worried for us. This is why there's no way we could let so many people in on this. His first reaction was precious.... but it was way too premature. I "burst his bubble" in a matter of minutes and can't imagine having to go through that over and over. I hope this doesn't come across like I've written this IVF cycle off but after being on this long road for nearly six years, a positive beta is a hurdle, a beta that doubles is another hurdle, an ultrasound where everything looks good is a big hurdle, a pregnancy and birth of a healthy baby, that's what it would truly take for me to let go of all doubt. Just being honest.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

5dp3dt

2011-03-31T07:23:00.000-07:00

Exactly one week from today until BETA!!!

5dp3dt...

Recently, a blogger was talking about having no symptoms in the 2WW and being worried and I'm having all kinds of cramps/twinges and I'm worried! I've had period-like cramps that come and go on both sides. Some are short twinges and a few are worse than I have with AF. It is so hard to not know what's taking place in my uterus!

I called Nurse LLD about the bathroom troubles and she said it would be fine to take anything to help... Milk of Magnesium, Colace, Prunes... take my pick! Joy.

I ran out of needles for the PIO shot and had some called in to our pharmacy. They were out of the 1 1/2 inch but the pharmacist said I could get by with 1 inch so I get 1/2" less needle in my backside now, small victory:] PC is still doing a good job with the injection but it freaks him out every time. He has sympathy pains, which I must admit is pretty sweet.

MIL cooked dinner for us last night (crumble chicken) and SIL is cooking for us tonight (spaghetti). I have the best in-laws, I'm so thankful. Hoping they get to be grandparents and an aunt and uncle soon... if I'm getting the royal treatment for trying to get pregnant, I envision much more crumble chicken and spaghetti in the future if I am pregnant! Do you hear that embryos?

Yesterday I could not get enough salty (like olives) or sour (like lemon drops). Not saying that these are cravings, just can't figure out where I'm making diet mistakes so that my body needs sodium and I have no idea about the lemon drops!?! Let's just blame anything and everything on progesterone at this point!

This morning, I traveled back to the RE for a progesterone check. Waiting on them to call me back, but hoping that it's on track so that I don't have to add more PIO!

Fertile Myrtles on FB

2011-03-30T06:17:00.000-07:00

I don't have a FB account. I'm just not that interesting. I had beans, mashed potatoes and fried okra for supper. Yum! See? Who needs or cares to know that? However... my best friend gave me her username/password and allows me to be her "stalker" anytime I feel the need to see what's happening on FB. Here's an edited version (names taken out) of a conversation I came across while stalking:

Fertile 1- Thank you! I'm due 9/10. Have you found out what you're having yet?
Fertile 2- That's my moms birthday lol! I'm having a boy... due July 3rd.
Fertile 1- Cool! I bet big sis is so excited! What are you naming him?
Fertile 2- She is so excited! ------- will be his name. Were y'all trying to get prego?
Fertile 1- Yeah. Of course I should've known it only takes once!
Fertile 2- Lol same for me too! We are fertile myrtles! One shot and here we are!

I didn't post this to shout "Bitter, infertile here!" Instead, it just makes me realize how some people can't even begin to understand what the IF journey is like. I don't wish it on them or any of us AT ALL. I just hope they know how lucky and fortunate they are. I just wonder if they took a moment to look at their child and think "what would I have done to get you here?" I'm pretty sure they would have gone to the ends of the earth. I wish they knew that 1 out of 8 of their friends were reading this conversation and they cried... or they cursed... or they felt so broken. Maybe, just maybe, if they knew the last part of the conversation would have looked something like this...

Fertile 1- Yeah. We are so fortunate that it happened for us so soon.
Fertile 2- It's amazing that it happened for both of us the first month we tried. Others try for so long and my heart goes out to them. We are very lucky!

I stumbled over the words to this post but people who are reading here will get what I'm trying to say... oh how we get it!

More 2WW rambling

2011-03-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

I'm not listing symptoms below. Rather, I think that a combination of estrogen+progesterone+occupied mind is just causing some out of the ordinary mental/health/emotional changes here lately.

Sleep! I'm back to sleeping with PC:] By that, I mean that since the week of retrieval I have been camped out on the couch. Around that time I was going to the bathroom 4-5 times during the night. I don't know if it was enlarged ovarian area pressing on the bladder or what, but PC is a light sleeper and was waking up each time so I moved to the couch. Last night I moved back into our bed since I'm down to one trip a night and I slept so hard but not hard enough because I remember my...

Crazy Dreams! I've been having some weird dreams but last night took the prize. I went on a date to a water park with M.ike R.owe from D.irty J.obs! I woke up laughing when I rememebered! PC didn't think it was too funny but I told him not to worry, I hate water parks! The last thing I watched last night was P.awn S.tars so I'm surprised I wasn't at the shooting range or eating KFC with C.humlee! At least these weird dreams have been funny, which is better than the alternative!

Appetite! I can only hope estrogen and/or progresterone lead to an increased appetite because otherwise I am in trouble. I'm hungry when I wake up, hungry before I go to sleep and most other times of the day as well. Another reason to hope that this works... pregnancy is a much better excuse for weight gain!

The 2WW is still moving slowly along but I'm trying to line up distractions for the rest of the week. We go back to the RE on Thursday to check my P4 level. I guess that's to see if the shots in the backside are producing enough progesterone? I was on valium and PC picked the time for this appointment, so we'll be leaving to get my blood checked at 5:30 a.m. Arrggghhh! WAIT, I was griping to PC about that as I typed and he said "we can leave at 5:45 a.m." That makes it all better.

Reading back over this, I guess you can add moody to this list although I don't really want to admit it.

Is it only 1dp3dt???

2011-03-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

Sitting here with a heating pad on my PIO'd butt! 1dp3dt and PC has already banned me from reading anything about embryo transfers. He didn't catch me in time to find this "play by play" chart so that I can hope and pray that my embryos are following the schedule! This is going to be a long two weeks!

3-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two	The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six	Implantation continues
Seven	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

I'm mad at myself for agonizing over every move I make or every twinge I feel! One of my friends realized she went horseback riding in the early stages of her second pregnancy and here I am worried about having the hiccups! Aside from running a marathon or hanging out in a sauna, I don't think that normal activity is going to interfere with the natural process that is hopefully taking place in my uterus right now. These embryos may not have gotten there through the usual route but I'm hoping they are "home" now...for nine months anyway!

PC asked me about some credit card charges today and I told him I hadn't used that card in a long time. We realized someone stole our card number and we have it narrowed down to two online sources where PC recently made purchases and our card number was hijacked. So far they have bought body art/piercings, spent two nights at a hotel in Raleigh, NC, spent $300+ at a home office store and $1.00 at Home Depot before we caught on and closed the card. How do you spend $1.00 at a Home Depot? And do you think they felt the least bit guilty doing all of this on our DISNEY card? Poor Disney card has been defiled from who knows what has been purchased by this/these thieves! Now we wait for a claims form to get everything straightened out. Thank goodness we rarely use our debit card for online purchases, that would be a bigger pain if these funds were drained from our bank account! (They couldn't get very far seeing as how those funds were pretty much drained from IVF anyway!)

I hope part of the 2WW support here is being able to ramble about topics that may or may not be IF related while passing the time!

The Transfer

2011-03-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

Transfer day started a little stressful. I was supposed to be there at 9 a.m. for a 10 a.m. transfer with a full bladder and was still sitting in the waiting room at 10:25... with an overly full bladder. One bright spot was a guy who brought in a three year old and announced to all of us "this can work people, here's proof!" That brought a lot of smiles. Finally, they called me back to the waiting area and I got in the gown while PC got decked out in scrubs and we waited on the doctor to talk to us about the embryos and give me the go ahead to take the valium. Bad news, we do not have any to freeze. But the good news was.... introducing...

two beautiful embryos. One 8 and 12 cell Grade 1 embryos who made the trip into my uterus for what I hope is an extended stay!!! They also did assisted hatching before the transfer. We've come a long way the past few weeks to get to this point and now I just want to rest and believe that this process can and will work! How am I ever going to get through this 2WW?

Blog buddies, I am so pleased to say I am PUPO!!!

Pre-transfer Random Thoughts

2011-03-25T19:05:00.000-07:00

I guess I need to work off some pre-transfer nervousness, which has resulted in the following random thoughts...

Today I wrapped up things at work and brought a few things home to take next week off. I typically use 1-3 days of sick leave a year so this feels really strange. My work can bring some highly stressful moments and I want to give these embryos the best possible chance to stick and stay! In my work, I constantly deal with people and situations where it's not unusual for me to contact law enforcement a few times during the month. That's not the kind of adrenaline rush that I want these embryos to experience from the start! Instead I will be filling my time with positive thoughts, blogging, light spring cleaning, watching TLC (skipping A Baby Story for now) and basically doing whatever I we want!

I had an acupuncture appointment this afternoon. I told Dr. C. about the transfer tomorrow and he got to work doing his Eastern medicine thing. I told him to make me a good statistic with the correlation between acupuncture and pregnancy success rates! He said it has to do with an overall improved health state and balanced energy. Fine, improve and balance me! For anyone who's considering it, my experience is to lay facing up while he puts in 6-8 needles at various pressure points. He turns a heat lamp on and I lay there for awhile listening to the Chinese restaurant music. The needles do not hurt... maybe a teeny tiny sting here and there but (if so) that only lasts a second. After IVF, acupuncture really is a treat that involves needles! Anyway, I do this for about 20 minutes or so, then turn on my stomach and he does the same thing on my back and finishes with massage. I always leave feeling relaxed, which is a big accomplishment for me.

Tonight was PIO shot #3 and SIL turned the job over to PC. He did a great job, A++! He's so cute back there giving me the play by play "one fourth is in, now one half, now three fourths, almost done..." although I'm not going anywhere! The shot is not so much a problem as the soreness the next day. I have no idea how to make it better. I put ice on before, massage the area and put heat on it afterwards but the next day my hips hurt! Tomorrow morning I have instructions to insert a progesterone capsule vaginally and lay there for 20 minutes. Seriously?!? That should be interesting... I mean, does it really absorb or just hang out there for awhile? Thinking out loud here although anyone is welcome to educate me on the progesterone pill that goes MIA.

I've wondered a lot these past three days about what really goes on in the IVF lab with our egg+sperm. I don't know about you, but it was a weird feeling for us to think that we were busy making an embryo 79 miles away from home! So, I did a little Internet browsing and came across this IVF clinic's website. It has a really good video called 'virtual tour of our IVF lab' that answered a lot of my questions. It also has an image gallery of embryos that really was helpful for me to understand the grading system. This medical technology is just amazing. The embryologists have to be so careful... my worry wart self was thinking "oh please don't let them drop our petri!"

Now that I've rambled with these random thoughts, I am going to try and hold my eyes open long enough to read a few blogs and then get some sleep for the big day!

Fertility Report!

2011-03-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

Mac and PC have hooked up in the petri dish, woo-hoo! Fabulous Fertilized FOUR doesn't sound too bad, does it? We were happy with that report and just hope our Fab Four continue to divide and develop! Next steps: Acupuncture on Friday then the Transfer on Saturday, which I've already mentioned is also our 6 year anniversary! Hopefully this will be an anniversary that brings us the best gift we could ever ask for! Your positive thoughts, prayers and sweet comments will get us through Saturday... Thank You!

To be continued.......................

Retrieval

2011-03-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

First, PC's appointment or "deposit" went well yesterday. The nurse asked if he would like some (XX rated) magazines or DVD's. He said "no thank you" and she said "well, we have ourselves a pro!" Lol. I'm hoping that self esteem booster gives the swimmers some more confidence as well.

I went back to the recovery area for prepping about 8:30 a.m. The IV was the worst part of the whole procedure because it took two tries. I got in my lovely gown, hair net and booties, gave PC a kiss and was off to the retrieval room. Those weren't stirrups, they were massive leg holder contraptions! I must have started looking a little nervous and Dr. S told the nurse to give me some of the relaxing meds. In about 10 seconds, the room started getting fuzzy. I do remember the last thing I said... omg. I was thinking it, but blame it on the drugs for making me say it out loud. I remember saying "I'd like to order two boys, please. Thank you!" Laughter and one "why." I started saying something about girls being so much drama and then I was out, good thing! No offense here, I would adore a little girl... the meds were talking!

So, I woke up back in the same recovery room and PC said "five good eggs, everything is okay." I said, "five? That's it?" (anxious looks) He told me that the doctor was very pleased with the egg quality and that the follicles they came from were all greater than 14mm. It still looks like the transfer will be Saturday.

This is not going to be a "woe is me" post about wanting more eggs although I can't help but have the fear about such smaller chances for fertilization. Instead, I'm hoping that those five eggs are meeting PC's confident sperm right now and they know just what to do! I'll call them the Fabulous Five! That thought gives me hope and I'm going to hang on to it. I will get the fertility report around lunch time tomorrow but I can't post until I get home from work since those computers have filters that block blogger (how dare they?)

In the mean time, I'm feeling good. Good enough to have some Chick-Fil-A on the way home and ice cream when I got home:] I continue to take antibiotics, medrol and have my first PIO shot tonight. Sis-in-law is coming back to do the first one and will teach PC how to do it. (One of the sweet nurses drew some markers on my backside so that he can have a little GPS back there!)

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers for our Fab Five to become perfect little embryos. I appreciate every one of you and being able to share this experience here more than you can ever know!

Just pulled the trigger!

2011-03-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

Actually, sis-in-law ~~pulled~~ pushed the trigger because she's a nurse and I didn't want to take any chances with me or PC getting IM injection phobia since that shot had to be done exactly at 10:00 p.m. Anyways, done. Retrieval at 9:00 a.m. on Wednesday. No more injections until the PIO. At this point it looks like we may be able to get 6-8 eggs. My E2 dropped today:[ But I cannot count this cycle out, I must stir up all the hope and optimism that I can find within me and believe that what seems impossible is really possible.

Lighter note- Ever watched Legally Blonde? Then you'll know what I mean when I say that tomorrow is PC's appointment and we are not in favor of reckless abandonment!!!

Welcome ICLW'ers!

2011-03-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

Hello! This is my second time participating in ICLW and it could not have come at a better time.

First, a little about us. My blog name is Miss Mac and I'm married to PC, who thinks he has the better computer... I must disagree with his thinking here, but he is indeed my P.rince C.harming:] We live in the southeast and have three furbabies who provide stress relief along this journey of IF.

We've been TTC for 5 1/2 years with nothing but a B.F.N. to show for it. I am anovulatory, have a partially blocked left tube and tests from this past year add premature ovarian failure to the list. Sigh. I started stims for my first IVF cycle on March 11th. We are now two days away from egg retrieval and five days away from the transfer! I hope to add acupuncture somewhere in the middle. The transfer day has actually landed on our 6th year anniversary! I have one and only wish... that this anniversary brings us the best gift ever, a BFP!

I would love any and all support this week as we have been very guarded in sharing the details of this cycle IRL. We have a small IRL support system who really don't understand exactly what we're going through. Many of you have been there, you are there, or you're going there and you understand. I hope to follow many of you in your journey and wish you all the best...oh, and a baby...or two:]

Update- Day 10

2011-03-20T11:58:00.000-07:00

IVF #1- Day 10 update
E2- 738
Left Ovary- 1-15mm, 1-14mm, 1-13mm, 1-12mm, 2-11mm, 1-9mm
Right Ovary- 1-14mm, 1-18mm

My tentative schedule has been pushed back one day because they want to give the left side a couple more days for the smaller follicles to produce mature eggs. I would love to see the same number of follicles on the right side, but these eggs must be my strong fighters and I'll take them! I need fighters! I'm out of meds after tonight so I have to go to the pharmacy at the RE clinic in the morning before my final (I think) monitoring appointment.

Now I'm going to work on a welcome post for this week's ICLW. Blog therapy is much needed this week in the lives of Mac and PC and hope that I can support others on this journey as well, whatever place they may be! Happy first day of Spring, here's to new beginnings:]

The new schedule-
March 21- Trigger
March 23- Retrieval
March 24- Acupuncture (hopefully)
March 26- Transfer as well as our 6 year anniversary, I cannot believe the timing! Just another reason I really want this to work... any and all prayers appreciated!

Wait Eight!

2011-03-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

IVF #1- Latest u/s and b/w for day 9 of stims:
E2- 543
Left Ovary- 2-13mm, 2-11mm, 2-9mm
Right Ovary- 1-14mm, 1-20mm

My thoughts... eight is better than the three we had a few days ago. But my fear is that some are going to be too mature and some are not going to have enough time to mature before retrieval! I need the ones on the right to slow down and the ones on the left to speed up. Oh, this process is so out of my control and that makes for a frustrated me. The Lupron should force that 20mm to wait, right? Are there usually any empty follicles? I promise, I'm not sitting here biting my nails or pacing back and forth. My feet are propped up and I'm enjoying the sunshine today... but these racing thoughts always make their way to the blog!

There has been a bright spot in all of this. The RE clinic is a 1 1/2 to 2 hour drive each way and PC has rearranged his work schedule so that he can be with me at every appointment. We've left by 6:00 a.m. for most appointments and have both been back to work by 10:30 a.m. This time together has been fun considering the circumstances. I never knew PC could do a R.eba Mc.Entire impression until this morning when we were arguing (nicely) over the radio stations. We both turned and looked at a couple we were passing (no particular reason) and they both looked at us and it was a "had to be there" funny moment. We've shared some laughs and some choice words on these drives and it has just been time for me to realize how lucky and blessed I am to have him as a partner in all things life.

We're getting so close.............................

A Few Good Eggs

2011-03-16T14:53:00.000-07:00

First Follicle check today:
E2- 225
Left Ovary- 3 Follies at 6, 8, 11
Right Ovary- 2 Follies at 14

I was bummed when the u/s technician said "three good sized follies" but Nurse LLD called and said that I should not be discouraged. She said to remember that it only takes one good egg. Umm... I told her we need a few good eggs and a few more back-up good eggs! She also said that day 6 of stims is still early (really?) and things could completely change by my next ultrasound (Friday). I hope she's right... I need some more follicles to show up to this party!!!

She also told me, "no more menopur." I have quit trying to ask so many questions or understand the protocol at this point. Just do as told. I was not a fan of Menopur anyway. It stinks that any leftover meds can't be sold or given to the RE clinic to help another couple. As far as I know, my RE uses any donated meds for injection training purposes only. I'm hoping this morning was my last ever rendezvous with Menopur.

Other exciting news... tentative dates:
March 20- Trigger
March 22- Retrieval
March 25- Transfer
March 26- Mac and PC's wedding anniversary- 6 years! Need I tell you what I'm wishing for? :]

Dreams, Reality, and back to Dreams!

2011-03-14T18:01:00.000-07:00

My dreams for the guest room were more like this...

than this...

but hopefully the "clinic" will be transformed over the next several months and dreams of a nursery can become a reality. Maybe I thought the beach towel on the table would bring me happy thoughts while I'm cursing the Menopur sting!

Speaking of dreams, I've had at least two dreams recently that involved me taking care of babies, but neither of them were mine. That has bothered me. One was a baby boy who had a green cast on his left arm... clearly that should have been PC's child, lol. The other was a toddler aged girl who I loved but knew I was just baby-sitting. I guess it sounds silly but I just think having one dream about a child that I know is ours would give me more hope and a reason to keep moving forward in the IF journey.

Well, guess this will have to do for a Monday blog post because it's time for the evening visit to the clinic. This is day 4 of stims and I have my first check-up appointment in the morning. I'm a little worried because, with the exception of a few twinges, I haven't really felt anything going on in the ovary area. I was hoping for some type of growing pains!

Hope everyone has a great week!

Let's make this a Fertile Friday!

2011-03-11T13:16:00.000-08:00

Nurse LLD e-mailed this morning to say "stims are a GO." So, I ran home and (45 minutes later) had my first stim injection done (hence the post title) and yeah, BABY:] One down and 19 more to go! It was my first time mixing 4 vials so I didn't quite get the syringe filled up to the right mark. I told Nurse LLD and, in her true -tell it like it is fashion- she said "Well, get it right the next time!" I'm trying! It did sting but I was pinching myself so hard that I think it was pain from multiple sources. However, the 30g needle wasn't too bad even though I wouldn't call any needles "good." In honor of day 1 of stims, I'm going to buy this bag... because I have a bag obsession and because I'm going through IVF, do I need another reason? If this does work, it will turn into my hospital bag. If this doesn't work, it will turn into my get away bag!

P.S. I think day 5 and day 10 of stims is also reason enough for a gift to self, although we're still on the debt diet so it may have to be something small to go IN the bag. No problem.

**Hope to catch up with everyone in blog world this weekend... I've been reading but not commenting as much as I would like. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!**

PIO- Needles?

2011-03-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

Has anyone seen this youtube clip where this girl uses a 25g needle instead of a 22g to do her PIO shot? She has me convinced that it's fine to use a smaller needle! It's sad that I'm worried about those shots and I haven't started stims yet!

Anyone who had the Bravelle/Menopur protocol, what size needle(s) did you use for the injection? Did you always use your abdomen for an injection site? Did ice help with any stinging? Anything else I should know?

Sorry that this is TMI but Lupron is really interfering with regular-ness in the bathroom. It's just not happening! I guess I should be thankful that I'm not having headaches or hot flashes, right?!? Arrgghhh!

A Baby for Charlie Dog Lovers

2011-03-08T16:30:00.000-08:00

There are 3 fur babies in Mac and PC World. We love them all but this post is devoted to our big boy, Charlie the Newfoundland. When we brought him home, he looked like this:

He is a bear cub turned 155 lb.+ BEAR! You should see the looks and questions we get when we take him for rides or camping! Charlie has a lot of special characteristics but I'd like to share two with you.

#1- He adores children. Newfoundlands are known for being exceptionally good with children to the point that they earned the nickname "the nanny dog." In fact, "Nana" the dog guardian in Peter Pan was a Newfoundland. You should see Charlie whenever my nieces or any other children visit him. He is perfectly obedient and they instantly become his "masters." It is so sweet. So, among my desire to be a mother and for PC to be a dad... I want to have a baby for Charlie to have a best friend!

#2 The howl. If Charlie hears a siren, he starts this strong howl that turns into a broken question mark towards the end. It is SO funny. He can wake me and PC up in the middle of the night with this howl and, it never fails, we burst out laughing. Finally PC caught it on his phone so I'm sharing with you all, THE HOWL. (Warning: If you have a fur baby, chances are they will bark at hearing this!) I hope it brings you a smile because, in this world of infertility, I can always count on Charlie for lots of smiles... sometimes he is my stress relief!

Disclaimer: Although he is near perfect in our eyes, he is also HIGH maintenance... shedding, drooling are just a couple of his other unique characteristics so we wouldn't recommend a Newfie for everyone!

IVFmeds... make me proud!

2011-03-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the comments and for listening yesterday on a 'down' day. I hate this for all of us!!!

I called the RE's office today to see if results from the biopsy were back (ruling out inflammation) but it could still be a couple of days. I have a small cyst but my estradiol is low so that's okay. The conversation was rather irritating. I ordered my meds (most of them) from ivfmeds. I love the good 'ol USA, I really do but I also did some research, read reviews and didn't see anything wrong with these meds except for the inconvenience of the glass vials as mentioned in an earlier post and they do not send syringes/needles. The actual meds are held to the same high standards and they were significantly cheaper. In fact, Bravelle and Menopur are not even made in the US! I don't really understand how it all works as far as costs but PC says the prices are jacked up in the US because drug companies are losing money in countries with price controls and a bunch of other stuff where (sorry PC) I started tuning out. However, when I was asking the RE's office about filtering needles for the glass vials, these people act like I'm about to take some contaminated, toxic substance! They act like I'm doomed before the first injection and need to be scolded! Does this supply look much different than yours? Geez, I needed to save any money possible and it would be nice if they could cut me some slack!

and then there was one :[

2011-03-06T11:54:00.000-08:00

Today at our place of worship, the pastor was speaking about faith and believing God to make the impossible--- possible. He mentioned three couples struggling with trying to have children that were covered in prayer a few months ago and that prayer had been answered for two of the three couples. Then his eyes scanned the room until he met ours and he said "I still believe it's going to happen for the other couple."

Can you combine a whole lot of feelings into a single moment? Because at that moment I felt sad, angry, overwhelmed, disappointed, frustrated, confused and hurt. It took all my strength to get out of there without tears. All of the plans I had for the day just seemed to vanish and all I want to do is lay here and feel sorry for myself, feel like such a failure. Now I feel bad that I've dragged blog friends into this pity party as well. But it's real and this is an outlet for how I truly feel.

My heart is so, so heavy today.

God, I know you're listening and you already know the emotions I felt today.

Please don't forget about us. Please answer our prayers too.

Baseline Appt.

2011-03-05T05:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning was a chaotic baseline appointment. They were running behind at 8:15 a.m. and those people were in some type of panic mode! They moved me from room to room with barely enough time to drop my drawers, much less ask any questions. I did drum up enough courage to ask the -in a rush- u/s lady if she saw any cysts while she was completing the down there photo shoot and she did not. Yeah! Then I moved across the hall to have an endometrial biopsy too... something about ruling out inflammation. My RE's understudy is all business, all the time. [Short story- I've only seen him crack a smile one time when he was doing an u/s and pointed something out to another intern (always on display, sigh) in the room about my fun--s and I said "excuse me, did you say fungus... like bacteria?" You could see he was trying to stifle a laugh (gee thanks) and informed me that the top of the uterus is called the fundus. Embarrassing moment. I was thinking I would have to add "moldy" to my list of fertility problems.] Back to the biopsy- Instead of "good morning" he says "this is going to cause some pain, did you take anything?" Ugh. Not as bad as the tubes test but it would be next on the infertility treatments pain-o-meter.

Nurse LLD called me a couple of hours later and said that while the u/s and labwork were okay, Dr. S. does not want me to start stims until she has the results from the biopsy. The good news is that everything looks calm but the bad news is we're in a "wait to start stims" phase. Patience is a virtue, blah, blah!

I must say thank God for Nurse LLD. I showed her the syringes/needles that I have and told her I didn't think I had enough and she went around the corner and came back with some extras to help me out. Then I showed her the vials of solution that came with Bravelle. They are tiny glass bottles with no rubber stopper. Nurse LLD said "I haven't seen these in a long time. They used to come with a file. Hold on." Around the corner she goes, and back she comes with some vials that I do know how to use until I can figure out these little things. Love her and you all would too!

By the way, do any of you have vials of solution that looks like this? What is the best way to open them? I don't see a file and Nurse LLD said to wrap it in a dishcloth and push backwards? I'm sure there's something out there on the Internet. I'm confused about exactly how to get this mixed with the powder.

Wish everyone a great weekend! It's a rainy, cold Saturday here so that says "blog reading morning" and lazy day to me. Hope to catch up with many of you soon!

Baseline=Tomorrow!

2011-03-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

I'm really worried about baseline being tomorrow. It has been one of those weeks. PC getting sick in addition to recovering from surgery. Check. Flat tire. Check. Major stress at work. Check. AF with a vengeance. Check. So I am hoping that baseline tomorrow morning does not add "big fat cyst" or something else to end what has been a really rotten week. Nurse LLD said they hope to see a lot of nothing tomorrow... so that I can move on to stims! So here's to nothing...nada...zilch...zero... just for tomorrow and then it's time for

What: A follicle growing party

Who: Follicles, preferably with eggs

When: The next two weeks

Where: Left ovary, right ovary

Forget the pain, what about the sperm?!?

2011-02-28T18:43:00.000-08:00

I asked PC to "give me the middle finger." Please allow me to explain. I married a guy who went through his "battle" scars on one of our first dates. Strange way of impressing??? Anyway, I was introduced to the ski accident scar, running into a pole scar, dog bite scar and (alas the middle finger) the changing a tire scar. That one is my nieces favorite... they call it his "looks like a butt finger!" I think it's a pretty good description, don't you?

So, this weekend PC's stomach pain turned into an ER trip which resulted in the new appendectomy scar! Oddly enough, this one might turn out to look like a smile:]

So, to get to the point of this post... PC is laying there in pain and the doctor is telling him what's involved in removing his appendix and here's my one and only question...

Is this going to affect his sperm?

Pause. Strange looks. Explain IVF.
Dr. assures me that PC should not have any problems with his part of the process.
PC says "I have an easy job." Laughter.
This is one crazy ride.

IVF Questions- Part 1

2011-02-27T06:31:00.000-08:00

I have two days left to take progesterone. I am on day 5 of Lupron shots. I am supposed to call Nurse LLD when AF shows up after the last progesterone pill. Disclaimer- I know that every cycle is different, every person is different and to 'expect the unexpected' over the next few weeks. Nevertheless, I always have questions floating around in my head (hence the Part 1) and say "thank you" in advance to anyone who would like to share your thoughts about any of the topics below.

1. How closely does the antral follicle count predict number of eggs at retrieval?
2. When I get to the stims, are their any foods/diet tips associated with reducing the risks of OHSS?
3. Did anyone else not take BCPs prior to an IVF cycle?

Lastly, should I put this back under the counter or not?!?

It's had a home under the counter for a long time but my RE clinic is also connected to a university and my "delicate and sensitive areas" as described on the box will soon be on display for research purposes as well as IVF. Prerequisite for IVF- keep your sense of humor about some things! :]

If to When and other random thoughts

2011-02-24T18:04:00.000-08:00

Well, duh. It just occurred to me yesterday that we have a nurse on staff where I work. So, we met in the clinic this morning, she gave me the Lupron shot, no drama and I was back in my office in a matter of minutes. She even offered to meet me on the weekends but I can call on SIL if needed. This isn't cheating, it's using resources wisely! Thank goodness for nurses, I have so much respect for them!

CRAP with a capital "C" happened at work today... actually it's been that kind of week. It calls for chocolate tonight. It calls for this brownie that's the size of my hand!!!

I really want to work on moving from an "if" to a "when" attitude. When we first started TTC, a lady at work said she had a bag of maternity clothes to give away. I told her we were TTC and she brought them to me. That was a long time ago when I thought "it didn't happen this month, but it will happen the next." Yeah, right. You know what happened... a few weeks later another co-worker became pregnant and I took those clothes to her. That may have been my first cry. That permanently put me in an "if" mindset. I've never bought anything baby. So, in efforts to start thinking "when" I'm going to do a little on-line window shopping. Baby things that I like WHEN...

Tagged... 20 questions

2011-02-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

Tag, I’m it… from Poli at BabyHopes. I am thankful because I needed a distraction since my last couple of posts about pregnancy announcements and injection meltdowns.

There are two rules and twenty questions.

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
One medium, one large and one giant dog ~~occupy~~ own our basement. We just rent the upstairs from them:] Members!

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? See #3

3. What would you do with a billion dollars? Go the surrogacy route! Go on a permanent vacation, taking friends and family along the way. Eating fancy food and hiring a personal fitness trainer to balance out! Buy another Jeep. Buy PC a custom mountain bike... and a mountain to ride it on!

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? Friday, a combination of flip-flops-sunny days-Jeep rides, new magazines, date nights/PC hugs, and the family members mentioned in #1

5. What is your bedtime routine?
Brush teeth, wash face, put my hair in a ponytail and tell PC I love him…oh and take a vitamin complete with 400 mg of folic acid

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? My boss at the time had a dream about us, came to work the next day and asked if she could give him my number, he called, we met and married less than a year later. Dream come True:]

7. What kind of books do you read? I like anything except the murder/mystery stuff.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Hopefully, mostly debt-free with a mini Mac or PC.

9. What’s your fear? Fear of failure and letting people down.

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity of unlimited travel to any place(s) on earth, whenever, for however long, and free of charge? Nope, what fun is a road trip without junk food?

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Say "five more minutes." Then (after 10) turn on Fox News and get in the shower.

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? He would share my enthusiasm for a game of Scrabble, or at least pretend.

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? wouldn't change my name

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? sunshine, all the time!

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Ramen noodles:]

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? The relationships. The advice. The support. It is therapy.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Sweet (and I love sour candy)

18. What items are in your purse right now? wallet, coupons, pen, pencil, sticky notes and germ-x

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? I live in the mountains so I want a vacation at the beach!

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? The shouldn’t part is only because I probably should be doing something more constructive… but Glee and Grey’s make me laugh, love TLC shows, American Idol, and my newest favorite is Pawn Stars

Tag, you’re it to anyone who would like to play:]

Injection #1=Lupron sucks already!

2011-02-23T04:40:00.000-08:00

Omg. The follistim pen was a piece of cake compared to Lupron. First injection this morning and it didn't go so well. I took the syringe out before turning it over and medicine sprayed out. Stress. Last night, I found conflicting instructions- one said to do 20 units and another said 10 units. I did 20 units this morning and have placed a call to the nurse to get this worked out. More stress. I kept seeing air bubbles and PC reminded me how dangerous those were. He was really sweet and trying to be helpful but... add it to the stress! That stuff really stings! Major stress! And I lay here typing this instead of getting ready for work because all that stress was followed by throwing up and almost passing out. I keep asking PC what went wrong... he said I didn't do anything wrong as far as the injection but I let the stress get the best of me.

I know... suck it up... there's a lot more to come! I'm amazed at all of the strong, amazing women who have gone through this more than once. I understand why but after one little injection I am just amazed. Can you please tell this wimp how to avoid a scenario like this every morning?

Prayer

2011-02-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

Several weeks ago, our pastor said that his heart was heavy and he wanted to pray for some very specific situations that some of us were going through... one was couples who were having trouble conceiving. Two other couples went forward and PC and I responded as well. In that moment, I was thinking "why would we refuse extra prayers and support" but it was very hard to expose something so personal with that many people.

Today, I received this e-mail:

Hi,

Just wanted to let you know that the Lord has answered our prayers and I am pregnant and due September 9!!! I have been walking around in complete shock for a couple of weeks. :0) Thank you for your prayers and support. Know that we will continue to pray for you and ----. I know the pain and frustration of hearing yet another person is pregnant, but I also know deep down in my heart that he has a plan that will surpass even your wildest dreams for you and your family. If there is one thing that I have learned through all of this is that He is in control even when I didn't want Him to be or think He was. I finally had to accept that His plan for me was good even if it wasn't my plan. Now, I can't wait to see how He will answer your prayers. :0)

P.S. Please keep praying that we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby when the time comes. I am trying not to worry to much. :0)

I think it is very sweet of her to personally e-mail me. Only someone who has faced infertility would understand how thoughtful that is. When anyone in the infertile-blogosphere announces a pregnancy, I cheer and celebrate with them. So why is my heart so heavy right now when this is a precious friend who has fought the same battle? I couldn't reply to her. My fingers wouldn't move to type words of celebration because my heart couldn't go there. I feel selfish. I feel broken. I want this to be her time and I want her to have a healthy, happy baby but I want it too. For the other two families who exposed our pain that day... we also want that answered prayer.

ICLW... welcome to Mac and PC!

2011-02-20T18:23:00.000-08:00

This is my first time participating in ICLW and I'm excited to be able to leave and receive some comments from some new people as well as those on my blog list (some of which I still have not left comments, sorry... hopefully that will soon change).

Why Mac and PC? Our pseudo-blog names simply come from who thinks they have the better operating system.

As far as computers go, of course I think I win! As far as my reproductive operating system, I'm failing miserably:[ We've been TTC for 5 1/2 years with nothing but a B.F.N. to show for it. I am anovulatory and have a partially blocked left tube. My latest test results leave the RE to believe that I am borderline premature ovarian failure (gulp). In three days, I will start suppressing the ovaries (they should be good at that) with Lupron to get our first IVF cycle going! I have had a couple of acupuncture appointments recently and plan to time another one later in the IVF cycle. It's one among many things on the list of "yes, I've tried it" that just makes me feel better, so why not! I am a few months away from the dreaded 35, and you know what they say about that... but since when did infertility stop us from what we say? I We say that it IS our time for two pink (or blue) lines:] I wish everyone a happy ending in this journey that none of us asked for... thanks for letting me join in the ranting, shouting, crying, supporting, praying, hoping, cheering, and helping that takes place in the blog world. Let me know if you are a new follower so that I can find and follow you too!

P.S. I've apologized recently for anything negative I might say due to several days ON progesterone and OFF of caffeine, but thankfully everyone here completely understands!

Meds & Money

2011-02-19T06:35:00.000-08:00

Just taking progesterone here and sorting out the massive amount of medications!

I've been taking the progesterone at night so my mean-ness seems to be reserved more for the night than during the day, yay?!? PC says I even kicked him out of bed last night, which I really don't remember. I do remember being very dizzy!

By the way, the instructions read:
Take 2 Capsules Every Evening For 12 Days. Insert One Capsule Vaginally the AM of Embryo Transfer. Someone please enlighten me and forgive me for asking about a TMI topic...but seriously? I don't get it. I take 24 of these lovely capsules the way I would normally take medicine and then #25 gets to go on a field trip? The shots sound a lot easier to me. In and Out. But #25 is causing me to have a lot of how...why... really... then what thoughts! This also doesn't tell me whether this takes place before or after the ET. Hmmm.....

On the homefront... we sold our Jeep Wrangler yesterday. I've never really had any attachments to a vehicle but I sure did love that Jeep! PC and I are doing a "snowball debt diet" where we pay off smaller debt then put that payment towards bigger debt etc. The Jeep was a big expense that was not helping us with that plan. The only "big ticket" debt we have is our mortgage and my college loans, but there are some smaller things that keep us from having financial freedom. If IVF works, we want to be in a better place financially... and a Jeep really wouldn't be the best vehicle for transporting baby(ies) would it? I have to keep playing those thoughts in my head because all I can think about is how much fun I had driving this...

Can't wait to get caught up on some blog reading this evening but right now I'm off to soak up some sunshine (finally) and clean up our basement:]

A PLAN!

2011-02-15T14:17:00.000-08:00

It makes me so happy to type that blog post title! Today, PC and I traveled to the RE's office (1 1/2 hour drive with decent traffic) to get my progesterone level checked and to get our calendar, a.k.a. plan!
Exhibit A

I was actually given two calendars. One if my progesterone was too low and another if my progesterone was normal. Of course, nothing about my system can be normal so it's 12 days of progesterone for me. I add Lupron to that next week and, if AF shows according to Nurse LLD's calculations, retrieval and transfer would be the third week in March. I think the first week of Spring would be very fitting:]

PC said "oh, no" when I told him I'll be on progesterone for 12 days. He asked if he needed to go borrow his parents' camper, which I only half-way laughed about because that drug does turn me into the devil! What is in it?!? I think the voodoo!!! The last time I took it, I fussed at PC about something and pulled out a cigarette going down the road and told him I just needed to smoke. That might have been okay IF I SMOKED! I don't. A co-worker had left a pack in my car when I gave her a ride and I hadn't given them back yet, so I pulled one out but couldn't get it lit... which also made me mad. PC asked, "what have you done with my wife?" Then I cried. This would all make you laugh if you knew me IRL and I'm wondering if I should go ahead and apologize for whatever might come across this blog the next 12 days!

Lastly, PC and I usually eat (cheap) take out in the living room so we were pretty impressed with ourselves for creating a Mac & PC Valentine's Dinner of steak, potatoes, asparagus, rolls & no bake cheesecake in our very own dining room with our wedding china that we have.never.used...in 6 years...anyway, we had a great time and this might become a new tradition. We would be more than happy to have a baby to share it with... even if it means calling in a pizza and using paper plates to make things easier!

P.S. Note the glass of water with an orange slice. I'm trying all of these flavor suggestions and am happy to report that flavored water is not so bad... not sweet tea... but liking it more each day:]

To: PC

2011-02-14T07:13:00.000-08:00

Dear P.rince C.harming,
In our quest to bring a little Mac or PC into the world, we decided not to buy gifts this Valentine’s Day as we are in this season of saving & paying! Instead, we are content with giving each other a card and having a nice meal together at home this evening. (I can’t wait!) However, this blog post doesn’t cost a dime so please accept it as an additional gift because I won’t ever get tired of telling the world how much I love you. My idea of romance is not all about flowers or chocolates. It’s about how you crank my car every morning so that it’s warm for me, how you still reach for my hand on our dates, how you have taken on the laundry and so many other major things that keep our household afloat, the way you help people and (this may be #1) how you bring me warm socks when I complain about my feet being cold! Even though I try to play it off sarcastically, I love that you know the answers to so many facts about random topics. I hope our future child gets your PC-ipedia memory!!! I love that you are still showing your nieces that a getting-closer-to-40-year-old (sorry, it's a backhanded compliment) can easily turn upside down flips on the trampoline!

I am so truly blessed that you are my partner in this life. You make me very happy! Since this blog was created about us trying to bring a child into this world, let me ~~say~~ shout that I hope it happens because the world is missing out without a mini PC:] Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you! Miss Mac

Water Woes

2011-02-12T11:51:00.000-08:00

I drink one small cup of coffee and one glass of sweet tea each day. I can't believe eliminating these two things (with caffeine, anyway) has been such a -literal- headache. Dr. C (acupuncture) really believes caffeine steals from your overall health and I know that it will just be better for my body for the upcoming IVF. I know water has like 1000+ great effects! Sure, Coke has the ability to clean corrosion off of car batteries but for health improvement... not so much. So why can't I drink water all day, every day and like it? Why can't each glass have that "hot summer day" taste that I do enjoy? I am on a mission to be a 100% water/juice drinker with an occasional decaffeinated sweet tea or coffee through this IVF cycle and (if we are fortunate that it works) through a pregnancy. So I have filled up one of PC's cups with mostly water and a drop or two of lemon and I have a bad attitude about it and apologize for all of you "water is wonderful" people who read this. FYI- I'm envious!

P.S. So long to my birthday present from PC last year for awhile unless I can find some really good decaffeinated tea K-cups:[

Next stop... Lupron

2011-02-11T17:07:00.000-08:00

The bank account is drained. Our new (interest free for one year at least) credit card has a $4000 balance. Meds are on the way... a few already here. Next stop (literally)... Lupron. We have an appointment tomorrow to do our taxes... any refund now belongs to the IO-4-IVF fund!

The only thing I worry about is that I haven't heard the official "GO" from Dr. S. to start next Thursday. However, somewhere on her desk there is a message to "call this girl and tell her everything is good to go so she'll leave us alone" or something like that as the nurse reassured me.

I bought a (75% off, woo-hoo) calendar to keep up with all things IVF. It's full of uplifting quotes and scripture too and I figure that can't hurt either! This weekend I plan on pulling out all of my paper work and trying to make sense of what I take, when I take it, how I take it etc.

In other news, PC and I are puppy-sitting for a week so that should be a total distraction from what's ahead. In our care right now are a Newfoundland, a Golden Retriever, a Labradoodle and a Goldendoodle. Doesn't that sound like lots of ~~work~~ fun? Wish us luck!

If you hate infertility...

2011-02-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

Irony? That would be my afternoon. In fact, it would have almost been comical if it wasn't so cruel! I left the office this afternoon with my ARC contract (more about that below) for IVF in hand.. hot off the printer... and still had it in my hand when I slipped in to support a co-worker at her baby shower! Something's wrong with that picture! I slipped out quickly to go read the darn contract. Who hates infertility, raise your hand!

Paying for a one cycle plus package at Advanced Reproductive Care (ARC) will save about $2000 if we have to proceed with a frozen transfer. If the fresh IVF cycle results in a live birth, we lose about $900 for paying for a frozen cycle up front but let me be clear that I.would.not.care! *If the fresh cycle is canceled before ER for any reason, the options are a refund for all except $500 for ~~bullcrap~~ administrative fees or to pay the clinic for all services up to that point and use the package price for the next cycle. **They do not pay for anesthesia. ***They pay for up to 5 u/s and bloodwork monitoring visits. Someone please warn me if I'm about to get into something with a lot of fine print!

PC sometimes refers to crappy circumstances as a 'kick in the nuts.' Here was my kick in the nuts today: I don't even qualify for ARC's refund guarantee program because the information from my fertility charts suggests to them that IVF is not going to work for me. Hard Kick!!! They based that on my highest FSH (10) highest estradiol (144) and antral follicle count (10). Can anyone give me some hope with those numbers?

*Let's hope this does not happen.

**About $750 for a one hour nap.

***Nurse LLD said the average is 4-6 visits.

IRL Support System

2011-02-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight shouldn't seem like a big deal but it was to me. We talked to PC's parents and his brother/SIL about what's ahead for us. For a long time, I didn't want anyone IRL to know about IVF.
If IVF resulted in a healthy baby, I wouldn't care to shout to the world that we used it as a means to have a child... it's not that. I think it's that I just don't want so many people involved and invested on such an emotional journey that may not turn out the way we hope it will. But I do want a close circle of people that care about me the most--around me at a time that I need them the most. This group includes my mom and grandparents, PC's parents and brother/SIL and a handful of close friends and co-workers. I need an IRL support system in addition to having blog buddies, no offense! Everyone has been wonderful. They want to help in any way possible. So SIL was assigned to the backside shots tonight, yay for having a nurse in the family! I feel a little bit of weight off my shoulders... now my IRL circle is complete and it's time to get this show ~~on the road~~ in the stirrups!