Let's make this a Fertile Friday!

Nurse LLD e-mailed this morning to say "stims are a GO."  So, I ran home and (45 minutes later) had my first stim injection done (hence the post title) and yeah, BABY:]  One down and 19 more to go!  It was my first time mixing 4 vials so I didn't quite get the syringe filled up to the right mark.  I told Nurse LLD and, in her true -tell it like it is fashion- she said "Well, get it right the next time!"  I'm trying!  It did sting but I was pinching myself so hard that I think it was pain from multiple sources.  However, the 30g needle wasn't too bad even though I wouldn't call any needles "good."  In honor of day 1 of stims, I'm going to buy this bag... because I have a bag obsession and because I'm going through IVF, do I need another reason?  If this does work, it will turn into my hospital bag.  If this doesn't work, it will turn into my get away bag! 

P.S.  I think day 5 and day 10 of stims is also reason enough for a gift to self, although we're still on the debt diet so it may have to be something small to go IN the bag.  No problem.   

**Hope to catch up with everyone in blog world this weekend... I've been reading but not commenting as much as I would like.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!**     

PIO- Needles?

Has anyone seen this youtube clip where this girl uses a 25g needle instead of a 22g to do her PIO shot?   She has me convinced that it's fine to use a smaller needle!  It's sad that I'm worried about those shots and I haven't started stims yet!  

Anyone who had the Bravelle/Menopur protocol, what size needle(s) did you use for the injection?  Did you always use your abdomen for an injection site?  Did ice help with any stinging?  Anything else I should know?     

Sorry that this is TMI but Lupron is really interfering with regular-ness in the bathroom.  It's just not happening!  I guess I should be thankful that I'm not having headaches or hot flashes, right?!?  Arrgghhh!
  

A Baby for Charlie *Dog Lovers*

There are 3 fur babies in Mac and PC World.  We love them all but this post is devoted to our big boy, Charlie the Newfoundland.  When we brought him home, he looked like this:

He is a bear cub turned 155 lb.+ BEAR!  You should see the looks and questions we get when we take him for rides or camping!  Charlie has a lot of special characteristics but I'd like to share two with you.  

#1- He adores children.  Newfoundlands are known for being exceptionally good with children to the point that they earned the nickname "the nanny dog."  In fact, "Nana" the dog guardian in Peter Pan was a Newfoundland.  You should see Charlie whenever my nieces or any other children visit him.  He is perfectly obedient and they instantly become his "masters."  It is so sweet.  So, among my desire to be a mother and for PC to be a dad... I want to have a baby for Charlie to have a best friend!

#2 The howl.  If Charlie hears a siren, he starts this strong howl that turns into a broken question mark towards the end.  It is SO funny.  He can wake me and PC up in the middle of the night with this howl and, it never fails, we burst out laughing.  Finally PC caught it on his phone so I'm sharing with you all, THE HOWL.  (Warning:  If you have a fur baby, chances are they will bark at hearing this!)  I hope it brings you a smile because, in this world of infertility, I can always count on Charlie for lots of smiles... sometimes he is my stress relief! 

 

Disclaimer:  Although he is near perfect in our eyes, he is also HIGH maintenance... shedding, drooling are just a couple of his other unique characteristics so we wouldn't recommend a Newfie for everyone! 

IVFmeds... make me proud!

Thanks for the comments and for listening yesterday on a 'down' day.  I hate this for all of us!!!

I called the RE's office today to see if results from the biopsy were back (ruling out inflammation) but it could still be a couple of days.  I have a small cyst but my estradiol is low so that's okay.  The conversation was rather irritating.  I ordered my meds (most of them) from ivfmeds.  I love the good 'ol USA, I really do but I also did some research, read reviews and didn't see anything wrong with these meds except for the inconvenience of the glass vials as mentioned in an earlier post and they do not send syringes/needles.  The actual meds are held to the same high standards and they were significantly cheaper.  In fact, Bravelle and Menopur are not even made in the US!  I don't really understand how it all works as far as costs but PC says the prices are jacked up in the US because drug companies are losing money in countries with price controls and a bunch of other stuff where (sorry PC) I started tuning out.  However, when I was asking the RE's office about filtering needles for the glass vials, these people act like I'm about to take some contaminated, toxic substance!  They act like I'm doomed before the first injection and need to be scolded!  Does this supply look much different than yours?  Geez, I needed to save any money possible and it would be nice if they could cut me some slack!      

and then there was one :[

Today at our place of worship, the pastor was speaking about faith and believing God to make the impossible--- possible.  He mentioned three couples struggling with trying to have children that were covered in prayer a few months ago and that prayer had been answered for two of the three couples.  Then his eyes scanned the room until he met ours and he said "I still believe it's going to happen for the other couple." 

Can you combine a whole lot of feelings into a single moment?  Because at that moment I felt sad, angry, overwhelmed, disappointed, frustrated, confused and hurt.  It took all my strength to get out of there without tears.  All of the plans I had for the day just seemed to vanish and all I want to do is lay here and feel sorry for myself, feel like such a failure.  Now I feel bad that I've dragged blog friends into this pity party as well.  But it's real and this is an outlet for how I truly feel.   

My heart is so, so heavy today.

God, I know you're listening and you already know the emotions I felt today.  

Please don't forget about us.  Please answer our prayers too.       

Baseline Appt.

Yesterday morning was a chaotic baseline appointment.  They were running behind at 8:15 a.m. and those people were in some type of panic mode!  They moved me from room to room with barely enough time to drop my drawers, much less ask any questions.  I did drum up enough courage to ask the -in a rush- u/s lady if she saw any cysts while she was completing the down there photo shoot and she did not.  Yeah!  Then I moved across the hall to have an endometrial biopsy too... something about ruling out inflammation.  My RE's understudy is all business, all the time.  [Short story-  I've only seen him crack a smile one time when he was doing an u/s and pointed something out to another intern (always on display, sigh) in the room about my fun--s and I said "excuse me, did you say fungus... like bacteria?"  You could see he was trying to stifle a laugh (gee thanks) and informed me that the top of the uterus is called the fundus.  Embarrassing moment.  I was thinking I would have to add "moldy" to my list of fertility problems.]  Back to the biopsy- Instead of "good morning" he says "this is going to cause some pain, did you take anything?"  Ugh.  Not as bad as the tubes test but it would be next on the infertility treatments pain-o-meter.
 
Nurse LLD called me a couple of hours later and said that while the u/s and labwork were okay, Dr. S. does not want me to start stims until she has the results from the biopsy.  The good news is that everything looks calm but the bad news is we're in a "wait to start stims" phase.  Patience is a virtue, blah, blah!

I must say thank God for Nurse LLD.  I showed her the syringes/needles that I have and told her I didn't think I had enough and she went around the corner and came back with some extras to help me out.   Then I showed her the vials of solution that came with Bravelle. They are tiny glass bottles with no rubber stopper.  Nurse LLD said "I haven't seen these in a long time.  They used to come with a file.  Hold on."  Around the corner she goes, and back she comes with some vials that I do know how to use until I can figure out these little things.  Love her and you all would too!

By the way, do any of you have vials of solution that looks like this?  What is the best way to open them?  I don't see a file and Nurse LLD said to wrap it in a dishcloth and push backwards?  I'm sure there's something out there on the Internet.  I'm confused about exactly how to get this mixed with the powder.  

Wish everyone a great weekend!  It's a rainy, cold Saturday here so that says "blog reading morning" and lazy day to me.  Hope to catch up with many of you soon! 

Baseline=Tomorrow!

I'm really worried about baseline being tomorrow.  It has been one of those weeks.  PC getting sick in addition to recovering from surgery.  Check.  Flat tire.  Check.  Major stress at work.  Check.  AF with a vengeance.  Check.  So I am hoping that baseline tomorrow morning does not add "big fat cyst" or something else to end what has been a really rotten week.  Nurse LLD said they hope to see a lot of nothing tomorrow... so that I can move on to stims!  So here's to nothing...nada...zilch...zero... just for tomorrow and then it's time for

What:  A follicle growing party

Who:  Follicles, preferably with eggs

When:  The next two weeks

Where:  Left ovary, right ovary

Forget the pain, what about the sperm?!?

I asked PC to "give me the middle finger."  Please allow me to explain.  I married a guy who went through his "battle" scars on one of our first dates.  Strange way of impressing???  Anyway, I was introduced to the ski accident scar, running into a pole scar, dog bite scar and (alas the middle finger) the changing a tire scar.  That one is my nieces favorite... they call it his "looks like a butt finger!"  I think it's a pretty good description, don't you?

So, this weekend PC's stomach pain turned into an ER trip which resulted in the new appendectomy scar! Oddly enough, this one might turn out to look like a smile:]

So, to get to the point of this post... PC is laying there in pain and the doctor is telling him what's involved in removing his appendix and here's my one and only question...

Is this going to affect his sperm?

Pause.  Strange looks.  Explain IVF.
Dr. assures me that PC should not have any problems with his part of the process.
PC says "I have an easy job."  Laughter.
This is one crazy ride.  

IVF Questions- Part 1

I have two days left to take progesterone.  I am on day 5 of Lupron shots.  I am supposed to call Nurse LLD when AF shows up after the last progesterone pill.  Disclaimer- I know that every cycle is different, every person is different and to 'expect the unexpected' over the next few weeks.  Nevertheless, I always have questions floating around in my head (hence the Part 1) and say "thank you" in advance to anyone who would like to share your thoughts about any of the topics below. 

1.  How closely does the antral follicle count predict number of eggs at retrieval?
2.  When I get to the stims, are their any foods/diet tips associated with reducing the risks of OHSS? 
3.  Did anyone else not take BCPs prior to an IVF cycle? 

Lastly, should I put this back under the counter or not?!?

 

It's had a home under the counter for a long time but my RE clinic is also connected to a university and my "delicate and sensitive areas" as described on the box will soon be on display for research purposes as well as IVF.  Prerequisite for IVF- keep your sense of humor about some things!  :]  

If to When and other random thoughts

Well, duh.  It just occurred to me yesterday that we have a nurse on staff where I work.  So, we met in the clinic this morning, she gave me the Lupron shot, no drama and I was back in my office in a matter of minutes.  She even offered to meet me on the weekends but I can call on SIL if needed.  This isn't cheating, it's using resources wisely!  Thank goodness for nurses, I have so much respect for them! 

CRAP with a capital "C" happened at work today... actually it's been that kind of week.  It calls for chocolate tonight.  It calls for this brownie that's the size of my hand!!!

I really want to work on moving from an "if" to a "when" attitude.  When we first started TTC, a lady at work said she had a bag of maternity clothes to give away.  I told her we were TTC and she brought them to me.  That was a long time ago when I thought "it didn't happen this month, but it will happen the next."  Yeah, right.  You know what happened... a few weeks later another co-worker became pregnant and I took those clothes to her.  That may have been my first cry.  That permanently put me in an "if" mindset.  I've never bought anything baby.  So, in efforts to start thinking "when" I'm going to do a little on-line window shopping.  Baby things that I like WHEN...

Tagged... 20 questions

Tag, I’m it… from Poli at BabyHopes.  I am thankful because I needed a distraction since my last couple of posts about pregnancy announcements and injection meltdowns.   

There are two rules and twenty questions.

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
One medium, one large and one giant dog occupy own our basement.  We just rent the upstairs from them:]  Members!    

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?  See #3 

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?  Go the surrogacy route!  Go on a permanent vacation, taking friends and family along the way.  Eating fancy food and hiring a personal fitness trainer to balance out!  Buy another Jeep.  Buy PC a custom mountain bike... and a mountain to ride it on!         

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?  Friday, a combination of flip-flops-sunny days-Jeep rides, new magazines, date nights/PC hugs, and the family members mentioned in #1 

5. What is your bedtime routine?
Brush teeth, wash face, put my hair in a ponytail and tell PC I love him…oh and take a vitamin complete with 400 mg of folic acid

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? My boss at the time had a dream about us, came to work the next day and asked if she could give him my number, he called, we met and married less than a year later.  Dream come True:]

7. What kind of books do you read?  I like anything except the murder/mystery stuff.   

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?  Hopefully, mostly debt-free with a mini Mac or PC.

9. What’s your fear?  Fear of failure and letting people down. 

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity of unlimited travel to any place(s) on earth, whenever, for however long, and free of charge?  Nope, what fun is a road trip without junk food?

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?  Say "five more minutes."  Then (after 10) turn on Fox News and get in the shower.   

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?  He would share my enthusiasm for a game of Scrabble, or at least pretend. 

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?  wouldn't change my name

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?  sunshine, all the time! 

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?  Ramen noodles:]  

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?  The relationships.  The advice.  The support.  It is therapy. 

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Sweet (and I love sour candy)

18. What items are in your purse right now?  wallet, coupons, pen, pencil, sticky notes and germ-x

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?  I live in the mountains so I want a vacation at the beach! 

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?  The shouldn’t part is only because I probably should be doing something more constructive… but Glee and Grey’s make me laugh, love TLC shows, American Idol, and my newest favorite is Pawn Stars

Tag, you’re it to anyone who would like to play:]

Injection #1=Lupron sucks already!

Omg.  The follistim pen was a piece of cake compared to Lupron.  First injection this morning and it didn't go so well.  I took the syringe out before turning it over and medicine sprayed out.  Stress.  Last night, I found conflicting  instructions- one said to do 20 units and another said 10 units.  I did 20 units this morning and have placed a call to the nurse to get this worked out.  More stress.  I kept seeing air bubbles and PC reminded me how dangerous those were.  He was really sweet and trying to be helpful but... add it to the stress!  That stuff really stings!  Major stress!  And I lay here typing this instead of getting ready for work because all that stress was followed by throwing up and almost passing out.  I keep asking PC what went wrong... he said I didn't do anything wrong as far as the injection but I let the stress get the best of me.

I know... suck it up... there's a lot more to come!  I'm amazed at all of the strong, amazing women who have gone through this more than once.  I understand why but after one little injection I am just amazed.  Can you please tell this wimp how to avoid a scenario like this every morning?   
 

Prayer

Several weeks ago, our pastor said that his heart was heavy and he wanted to pray for some very specific situations that some of us were going through... one was couples who were having trouble conceiving.  Two other couples went forward and PC and I responded as well.  In that moment, I was thinking "why would we refuse extra prayers and support" but it was very hard to expose something so personal with that many people.  

Today, I received this e-mail:

 Hi,

Just wanted to let you know that the Lord has answered our prayers and I am pregnant and due September 9!!!  I have been walking around in complete shock for a couple of weeks. :0) Thank you for your prayers and support.  Know that we will continue to pray for you and ----. I know the pain and frustration of hearing yet another person is pregnant, but I also know deep down in my heart that he has a plan that will surpass even your wildest dreams for you and your family.  If there is one thing that I have learned through all of this is that He is in control even when I didn't want Him to be or think He was.   I finally had to accept that His plan for me was good even if it wasn't my plan.  Now, I can't wait to see how He will answer your prayers.  :0) 

 P.S.  Please keep praying that we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby when the time comes.  I am trying not to worry to much.  :0)

I think it is very sweet of her to personally e-mail me.  Only someone who has faced infertility would understand how thoughtful that is.  When anyone in the infertile-blogosphere announces a pregnancy, I cheer and celebrate with them.  So why is my heart so heavy right now when this is a precious friend who has fought the same battle?  I couldn't reply to her.  My fingers wouldn't move to type words of celebration because my heart couldn't go there.  I feel selfish.  I feel broken.  I want this to be her time and I want her to have a healthy, happy baby but I want it too.  For the other two families who exposed our pain that day... we also want that answered prayer.  

ICLW... welcome to Mac and PC!

This is my first time participating in ICLW and I'm excited to be able to leave and receive some comments from some new people as well as those on my blog list (some of which I still have not left comments, sorry... hopefully that will soon change).  

Why Mac and PC?  Our pseudo-blog names simply come from who thinks they have the better operating system.  

As far as computers go, of course I think I win!  As far as my reproductive operating system, I'm failing miserably:[  We've been TTC for 5 1/2 years with nothing but a B.F.N. to show for it.  I am anovulatory and have a partially blocked left tube.  My latest test results leave the RE to believe that I am borderline premature ovarian failure (gulp).  In three days, I will start suppressing the ovaries (they should be good at that) with Lupron to get our first IVF cycle going!  I have had a couple of acupuncture appointments recently and plan to time another one later in the IVF cycle.  It's one among many things on the list of "yes, I've tried it" that just makes me feel better, so why not!  I am a few months away from the dreaded 35, and you know what they say about that... but since when did infertility stop us from what we say?  I We say that it IS our time for two pink (or blue) lines:]  I wish everyone a happy ending in this journey that none of us asked for... thanks for letting me join in the ranting, shouting, crying, supporting, praying, hoping, cheering, and helping that takes place in the blog world.  Let me know if you are a new follower so that I can find and follow you too!  

P.S.  I've apologized recently for anything negative I might say due to several days ON progesterone and OFF of caffeine, but thankfully everyone here completely understands!

Meds & Money

Just taking progesterone here and sorting out the massive amount of medications!  

I've been taking the progesterone at night so my mean-ness seems to be reserved more for the night than during the day, yay?!?  PC says I even kicked him out of bed last night, which I really don't remember.  I do remember being very dizzy!    

By the way, the instructions read:  
Take 2 Capsules Every Evening For 12 Days.  Insert One Capsule Vaginally the AM of Embryo Transfer. Someone please enlighten me and forgive me for asking about a TMI topic...but seriously?  I don't get it.   I take 24 of these lovely capsules the way I would normally take medicine and then #25 gets to go on a field trip?  The shots sound a lot easier to me.  In and Out.  But #25 is causing me to have a lot of how...why... really... then what thoughts!  This also doesn't tell me whether this takes place before or after the ET.  Hmmm..... 

On the homefront... we sold our Jeep Wrangler yesterday.  I've never really had any attachments to a vehicle but I sure did love that Jeep!  PC and I are doing a "snowball debt diet" where we pay off smaller debt then put that payment towards bigger debt etc.  The Jeep was a big expense that was not helping us with that plan.  The only "big ticket" debt we have is our mortgage and my college loans, but there are some smaller things that keep us from having financial freedom.  If IVF works, we want to be in a better place financially... and a Jeep really wouldn't be the best vehicle for transporting baby(ies) would it?  I have to keep playing those thoughts in my head because all I can think about is how much fun I had driving this...

 

Can't wait to get caught up on some blog reading this evening but right now I'm off to soak up some sunshine (finally) and clean up our basement:] 

A PLAN!

It makes me so happy to type that blog post title!  Today, PC and I traveled to the RE's office (1 1/2 hour drive with decent traffic) to get my progesterone level checked and to get our calendar, a.k.a. plan!
                                                   Exhibit A

I was actually given two calendars.  One if my progesterone was too low and another if my progesterone was normal.  Of course, nothing about my system can be normal so it's 12 days of progesterone for me.  I add Lupron to that next week and, if AF shows according to Nurse LLD's calculations, retrieval and transfer would be the third week in March.  I think the first week of Spring would be very fitting:]

PC said "oh, no" when I told him I'll be on progesterone for 12 days.  He asked if he needed to go borrow his parents' camper, which I only half-way laughed about because that drug does turn me into the devil!  What is in it?!?  I think the voodoo!!!  The last time I took it, I fussed at PC about something and pulled out a cigarette going down the road and told him I just needed to smoke.  That might have been okay IF I SMOKED!   I don't.  A co-worker had left a pack in my car when I gave her a ride and I hadn't given them back yet, so I pulled one out but couldn't get it lit... which also made me mad.  PC asked, "what have you done with my wife?"  Then I cried.  This would all make you laugh if you knew me IRL and I'm wondering if I should go ahead and apologize for whatever might come across this blog the next 12 days!

Lastly, PC and I usually eat (cheap) take out in the living room so we were pretty impressed with ourselves for creating a Mac & PC Valentine's Dinner of steak, potatoes, asparagus, rolls & no bake cheesecake in our very own dining room with our wedding china that we have.never.used...in 6 years...anyway, we had a great time and this might become a new tradition.  We would be more than happy to have a baby to share it with... even if it means calling in a pizza and using paper plates to make things easier!  

P.S.  Note the glass of water with an orange slice.  I'm trying all of these flavor suggestions and am happy to report that flavored water is not so bad... not sweet tea... but liking it more each day:]

To: PC

Dear P.rince C.harming,
In our quest to bring a little Mac or PC into the world, we decided not to buy gifts this Valentine’s Day as we are in this season of saving & paying!  Instead, we are content with giving each other a card and having a nice meal together at home this evening.  (I can’t wait!)  However, this blog post doesn’t cost a dime so please accept it as an additional gift because I won’t ever get tired of telling the world how much I love you.  My idea of romance is not all about flowers or chocolates.  It’s about how you crank my car every morning so that it’s warm for me, how you still reach for my hand on our dates, how you have taken on the laundry and so many other major things that keep our household afloat, the way you help people and (this may be #1) how you bring me warm socks when I complain about my feet being cold!  Even though I try to play it off sarcastically, I love that you know the answers to so many facts about random topics.  I hope our future child gets your PC-ipedia  memory!!!  I love that you are still showing your nieces that a getting-closer-to-40-year-old (sorry, it's a backhanded compliment) can easily turn upside down flips on the trampoline!

I am so truly blessed that you are my partner in this life.  You make me very happy!  Since this blog was created about us trying to bring a child into this world, let me say shout that I hope it happens because the world is missing out without a mini PC:]  Happy Valentine’s Day.  I love you!  Miss Mac

Water Woes

I drink one small cup of coffee and one glass of sweet tea each day.  I can't believe eliminating these two things (with caffeine, anyway) has been such a -literal- headache.  Dr. C (acupuncture) really believes caffeine steals from your overall health and I know that it will just be better for my body for the upcoming IVF.  I know water has like 1000+ great effects!  Sure, Coke has the ability to clean corrosion off of car batteries but for health improvement... not so much.  So why can't I drink water all day, every day and like it?  Why can't each glass have that "hot summer day" taste that I do enjoy?  I am on a mission to be a 100% water/juice drinker with an occasional decaffeinated sweet tea or coffee through this IVF cycle and (if we are fortunate that it works) through a pregnancy.  So I have filled up one of PC's cups with mostly water and a drop or two of lemon and I have a bad attitude about it and apologize for all of you "water is wonderful" people who read this.  FYI- I'm envious!  

P.S.  So long to my birthday present from PC last year for awhile unless I can find some really good decaffeinated tea K-cups:[     

Next stop... Lupron

The bank account is drained.  Our new (interest free for one year at least) credit card has a $4000 balance.  Meds are on the way... a few already here.  Next stop (literally)... Lupron.  We have an appointment tomorrow to do our taxes... any refund now belongs to the IO-4-IVF fund!    

The only thing I worry about is that I haven't heard the official "GO" from Dr. S. to start next Thursday.  However, somewhere on her desk there is a message to "call this girl and tell her everything is good to go so she'll leave us alone" or something like that as the nurse reassured me.

I bought a (75% off, woo-hoo) calendar to keep up with all things IVF.  It's full of uplifting quotes and scripture too and I figure that can't hurt either!   This weekend I plan on pulling out all of my paper work and trying to make sense of what I take, when I take it, how I take it etc.  
  

In other news, PC and I are puppy-sitting for a week so that should be a total distraction from what's ahead.  In our care right now are a Newfoundland, a Golden Retriever, a Labradoodle and a Goldendoodle.  Doesn't that sound like lots of work fun?  Wish us luck!      

If you hate infertility...

Irony?  That would be my afternoon.  In fact, it would have almost been comical if it wasn't so cruel!  I left the office this afternoon with my ARC contract (more about that below) for IVF in hand.. hot off the printer... and still had it in my hand when I slipped in to support a co-worker at her baby shower!  Something's wrong with that picture!  I slipped out quickly to go read the darn contract.  Who hates infertility, raise your hand!

 

Paying for a one cycle plus package at Advanced Reproductive Care (ARC) will save about $2000 if we have to proceed with a frozen transfer.  If the fresh IVF cycle results in a live birth, we lose about $900 for paying for a frozen cycle up front but let me be clear that I.would.not.care!  *If the fresh cycle is canceled before ER for any reason, the options are a refund for all except $500 for bullcrap administrative fees or to pay the clinic for all services up to that point and use the package price for the next cycle.  **They do not pay for anesthesia.  ***They pay for up to 5 u/s and bloodwork monitoring visits.  Someone please warn me if I'm about to get into something with a lot of fine print!  

PC sometimes refers to crappy circumstances as a 'kick in the nuts.'  Here was my kick in the nuts today:   I don't even qualify for ARC's refund guarantee program because the information from my fertility charts suggests to them that IVF is not going to work for me.  Hard Kick!!!  They based that on my highest FSH (10) highest estradiol (144) and antral follicle count (10).  Can anyone give me some hope with those numbers?   

*Let's hope this does not happen.

**About $750 for a one hour nap.

***Nurse LLD said the average is 4-6 visits. 

IRL Support System

Tonight shouldn't seem like a big deal but it was to me.  We talked to PC's parents and his brother/SIL about what's ahead for us.  For a long time, I didn't want anyone IRL to know about IVF. 
If IVF resulted in a healthy baby, I wouldn't care to shout to the world that we used it as a means to have a child... it's not that.  I think it's that I just don't want so many people involved and invested on such an emotional journey that may not turn out the way we hope it will.  But I do want a close circle of people that care about me the most--around me at a time that I need them the most.  This group includes my mom and grandparents, PC's parents and brother/SIL and a handful of close friends and co-workers.  I need an IRL support system in addition to having blog buddies, no offense!   Everyone has been wonderful.  They want to help in any way possible.  So SIL was assigned to the backside shots tonight, yay for having a nurse in the family!  I feel a little bit of weight off my shoulders... now my IRL circle is complete and it's time to get this show on the road in the stirrups!

        

2WW until IVF#1- I Hope!

Today is 2 weeks until I'm supposed to do the first lupron injection and get this IVF cycle underway.  A couple of MAJOR things have to happen before then.
1.  Order Meds
2.  Financial Clearance

Really, these two things may be more stressful than the cycle itself!  I should spare you all these details, but I'm free to vent here, right? 

Meds- PC and I estimated on the low end because of a misunderstanding about a discount program (earlier post) and we're trying to make up for that by really comparison price shopping on-line. Purchasing on-line or even out of the country means that Nurse LLD will have to fax the prescription to us rather than calling it in to a pharmacy but that can't happen until...
Financial clearance- This department has a lot of turnover and they are not helpful (and sometimes just hateful) over the phone!  When I called to pay for our cycle, consultant (#2) said "I'm sorry but that was last year's price and there's been an increase.  You will have to pay the new price."  (A $2000 increase.)  My response was "We signed a financial contract in the fall and knew we wouldn't do this cycle until after the new year.  Is that contract not valid?"  She tells me no again and that I can try to work it out with the person that's soon taking her place.  Grrrrr.......
To make this long story short, I call Nurse LLD and unload these issues on her and she tells me to fax a copy of the contract and she'll give it to Dr. S. on Friday.  I also asked her if I could send a letter.  Did I mention that we heart Nurse LLD?  This was her e-mail response to me today...minus IRL names:
Hi, you may email an attachment and I will make sure Dr. S gets it on Friday.  I realize that financial clearance is a big pain and may be the most stressful.  I will look for your letter.  Hope you have a great day.

I just don't know everything will fall into place over the next two weeks or not.  If it's put off another month, I have to believe there's a reason. 


P.S.  The blog makeover is in honor of a new phase of the IF journey... and yes, we're having a pretty sweet Mac+PC smooch behind those laptops and that makes me :]  

Many thanks to Amy at Maternal Hope for the blog award!  Isn't this such a cool way to connect with people?  Not cool that we're having to travel down the infertility path but very cool that this is a way to share the journey with others who understand... and in pajamas if we prefer!  It is a much needed outlet and I appreciate "meeting" such strong and brave women along the way!

Rules for accepting this award:
1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award.
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it

Seven Things About Me:
1.  I'm an introvert.  I'm misunderstood as being shy... but really I just like listening and considering all points of view before giving mine.
2.  I'm semi-fluent in Spanish, meaning I can carry on a conversation but the grammar is asi asi not excellente.    
3.  I love country food.  Beans-n-Greens are okay with me.  This makes PC wince.    
4.  I really want to accomplish two things on my "40 before 40" list (besides a BFP):  how to drive a stick shift (in progress) and how to play a guitar (not a clue).   
5.  PC and I met because a mutual friend (also my boss at the time) "woke up at 3 a.m. and thought that we would be a perfect match."  She asked if she could pass along my number to him... he called... we met... we married less than a year later and sent her a thank you gift on our one year anniversary:]  
6.  I was in the band in high school and played the xylophone. 
7.  I (still) love a good plan.

15 others on this journey who encourage and inspire ...

A Miracle for Us

Baby on my mind

Bumpy Road to Motherhood

Diary of taking small steps toward baby steps....

Gracie in Brooklyn

Mr. and Mrs. Lemon

Mutemockingbird's Blog

My Journey Through IVF

 MyTTCstory

our new plan A

OUR TTC JOURNEY...

Raising Cain (someday)

Trying To Get A Bun In My Oven

Waiting for a baby bump

Yet another infertility blog...

Ready (Jan) Set (Feb) Go (March)

We're at least moving into the 'Ready' phase here. Today was AF-Day 1, IVF-phone consult, MRI and Acupuncture! My body seems to be on the procrastinate and cram schedule!

I called the IVF nurse to let her know this is cycle day 1. For IVF/blog purposes, I'll refer to her as Nurse LLD, which stands for Lunch Lady Doris... this is her in the cartoon version. Same voice, same no-nonsense, same get it done attitude who (you get the impression) probably turns around and rolls her eyes...or takes a smoke break... when people irritate her. PC and I instantly liked Nurse LLD! She told me we will start lupron on day 21, do a baseline u/s & one other procedure with the next menses to get this IVF going. This will put injections/stims around mid to the end of February and ER/ET around the first of March. But nothing about the IVF timeline is truly predictable, right?

The MRI-
Conversation between me & PC earlier today.

Me-"This is really one of the last tests I know of to check my infertility/hormonal issues."
PC- "If this shows something is wrong, will it mean a plan B?"
Me- "If I have an active pituitary tumor, I guess it could mean removing it. Brain surgery."
PC- "Is that covered by insurance?"
Me- "It should be."
PC- "Then that would probably be cheaper than IVF."
Me- "Is that the bright side?"

Why can't we just come home and ask "How was your day today, honey?" Sigh.

Acupuncture 'Before IVF' #2-
Dr. C said there had been a lot of TTC ladies in his office today. Yep. He said I was my "usual tensed up self" and I gave him a recap of my day. Yep.

My constant racing thoughts problem was kind of fun during acupuncture today. I made a mental image/list of "good to great" things to get me through the next few weeks. A top 10 of things that I love + some honorable mentions in good (1) to great (10) order.

1. Sweet Tea, it can even be decaffeinated, just sweet+tea
2. A good book, a good movie, or both!
3. Birding
4. Reading/Writing/Stalking Blogs
5. Petting and brushing the puppies (super cheap calming effect)
6. A Girls Night Out
7. Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake, must work this in the schedule somewhere.
8. Thinking Dreaming about... spring & summer days ahead!
9. Thinking Dreaming about... two.pink.lines.
10. Dinner and Date Nights with sweet PC:]

This post has gotten too long for the honorable mentions but feel free to share some things on your good to great, get through IVF, list!

To Laugh or Cry?

I choose to laugh. The e-mail of the day between Mac and PC.
A glimpse into our crazy L'IF'E!

Waiting Game...

IVF 2011 update: Still waiting on everything... AF, meds, schedule, financial clearance, BFP!

I have an MRI scheduled for this Friday to check out the pituitary area and another 'acupuncture before IVF' after that.

Here lately I've been letting my mind and heart go to places that I've avoided for a long time. Like actually scanning the baby stuff in stores when I walk by, thinking of potential names, imagining ways to share the news of a BFP and saying hello again to those darn 'I wonders.'

PC is totally on board with the IVF plan but very worried about me if this doesn't turn out how we want it to. He wants reassurance that I would be okay if it does not work. I've told him the givens 1- I want the answers from IVF about ovulation & eggs regardless of the outcome 2- life and the mission to 'make each day count' will go on 3- I love him very much and that won't change. Anything other than that is unknown territory and I would have to deal with those feelings & emotions in my own way, on my own time. At this point, I just want to get this process started and take it one step at a time!

FYI- I was informed by PC that my pics of the fur babies did them no justice so I've pulled that post until I can get better pet portraits... like that's an easy thing to do!

From B*tch & Gripe to Blogs & Gratitude!

Reverse (infertility) psychology... "AF, I don't need you to get here so I can start IVF. Take your sweet time and skip if you want to this cycle. I know a skipped cycle doesn't mean a BFP, but rather that I don't ovulate. Thanks for being such a faithful reminder that my efforts in baby-making have failed!"

I should probably lose the attitude during IVF. I'm hoping it's PMS!

I called my ob/gyn (Dr. B6) today and asked his nurse to see about ordering an MRI of the pituitary gland for me. I really haven't come across many blogs where this was done in the multitude of IF diagnostic tests but I want to do it for a couple of reasons 1- a pituitary adenomyoma can cause anovulation 2- what's one more test in the world of IF? I don't have headaches. I don't want to think about an adenomyoma hanging out in my brain. But I don't ovulate and this would be one more piece of the puzzle. I'm not sure why I even feel the need to explain this to IF'ers... resilient women who would go to the ends of the earth if it meant one step closer to the prize! Thanks out there in blog world for listening/crying/screaming/laughing along with me and letting me do the same in each of your lives. A blog should be on the treatment list right.before.Clomid! :]

Add emotional... gotta be PMS!

IVF Meds=!@%#!

Yesterday afternoon I called the IVF nurse/coordinator to let her know I'm still eager to get things going with IVF but that I've been playing phone tag with the financial clearance person. She said we could go ahead & get the meds ordered. She told me the specifics of what I would need and that I could call pharmacies for prices. And then things started unraveling from there.

I made a stupid mistake when planning & budgeting for everything. I interpreted the information about discounts from the Ferring Heart Program wrong. I thought the FHP discount would put our total for meds around $2500. Imagine my disappointment and disgust when I called the pharmacy & they gave me the total of $4860+$10 program enrollment fee to get the discount (!@%#!). This price is for Bravelle & Menopur, 10 days worth, WITH the discount. In addition to being disappointed & disgusted, I came home feeling defeated because it makes us $2300 short.

I realize one reason these meds are expensive is because pharmaceutical companies have to make a profit and price goes up with less volume. But why does it feel like such a trap? Think of all the unused vials out there that go to waste or are used for injection training purposes because of FDA guidelines. Add that to the "IF sucks because... list!"

Things looked a little brighter when PC reminded me that was just one pharmacy and he would see what he could find out online. By the time he was finished, he had made a spreadsheet of different pharmacies and price comparisons. See exhibit A below.

How sweet is he? How lucky am I? He lifts me up when I need it most and sees the glass half full when I think it's beyond empty! If we are able to use some of the pharmacies he found online, we can get the cost closer to $3000. These meds better stimulate the economy ovaries in a major way!

Acupuncture- Before IVF

My acupuncture plan throughout IVF is to go once before, during and after the procedures. Today was my before visit. I don't know all the correlations with acupuncture and IVF success rates but my main reason for going is that it relaxes me more than any massage or glass of vino!
It is also always interesting to hear what Dr. C has to say. His main goals for me from this visit were 1. I need to exercise more and "break a sweat" were his exact words and 2. Spread out the multi-vitamins, especially while going through IVF.

About the exercising... he said "you know when someone cuts you off in traffic and your body tenses up? Your body is like that all the time and you need to get rid of some pent of energy." He also said, "I realize you have a job that can be really stressful but you are going to eventually end up with ulcers & gallstones if you don't manage it better." (Lovely, all I could think about was how Cesar Milan imitates the dogs with pent up energy and scolds rehabilitates the owners for not giving them enough exercise). Remember this post? Nothing has changed and I sure don't want to decrease my chances during IVF because of all this extra tension I carry around. So I guess I need to get moving and do that belly & butt busters DVD that I so loathe!!!
Breathe in, breathe out.

The multi-vitamins... I kind've got lost in the explanation but something about how our bodies stop doing what they are meant to do through eating a healthy, balanced diet. PC says it makes sense but I've got to think over that a little more. That's the one habit I'm really good at!
And good news... from the Eastern medicine viewpoint, my hormones appear to be in balance!

organizing for IVF ???

Calling all Type A :] (or not) bloggers out there who can share advice about how you organize for/during IVF? Anything in relation to preparing meds, doing the injections, keeping on schedule... ??? I'm feeling so overwhelmed & haven't even got past financial clearance yet!!!

2010 Recap

Since I took a one year hiatus from blogging here, I wanted to recap the (mostly non-IF) low/highlights of the year (besides the usual day to day routine):

We enjoyed our first year in the home we built! 1 year of payments behind us and only 20+ more to go, ahhhh the joys that come with it! This pic was taken two days ago when 6-8 inches of fell across many parts of the Southeast.

Puppy #1 and Puppy #2 grew... and grew... and grew!

PC totaled his truck, one and a half flip. It was scary. I don't want to post a pic because it still makes me sick to think about. Truly a Blessing that he walked away from it without a scratch.

I also took a year hiatus from graduate school, and I'm not proud of it. This year is now-or-never with my degree plan. Sigh.

I canned green beans with the MIL in the summer! This work makes me appreciate every bite a little more.


I learned a little more about the stock market, couponing/budgeting, cooking, landscaping, property laws, editing pictures and... (still thinking)

We camped a few times, always fun. Then we sold the camper. And used the money to put in a half bath in our basement. Um, I hesitate to add this but PC is really proud that the half bath comes complete with a urinal. Compromise...

We decided on Jan.-March 2011 for IVF. Got all of the pre-tests, including trial transfer, out of the way in the fall of 2010. I need to share a funny about that later!

I had an MRI because of a spot on my right breast and family history of breast cancer. Right was fine but a place showed on the left. Went for a biopsy and they couldn't find anything... Blessing!

PC and I celebrated 5 years together:] PC has become a 95% MAC supporter (in this case I'm referring to the computer, since hopefully I get 99.5%). It won't be long until he c.r.o.s.s.e.s o.v.e.r!

Read a few books, watched a couple of movies and went to a couple of concerts. My favorites- The Hunger Games Series, Tangled and Gary Allen (that's a diverse list!)

We went on long weekend trips in March, June and December as budget-friendly as we could.

MIL was sick to the point of being admitted to the hospital the week of Christmas. Another Blessing that she came home Christmas Eve and has slowly been regaining strength day by day.

We still have our same jobs although we lost some income due to the economy. Our families are healthy and well despite a few setbacks along the way. Infertility still sucks but life is still good!

And we wrapped up 2010 with snow on Christmas Day! High expectations for 2011...

2011- IVF, Here we come!

I am stepping back into the blog world, one year later, to document a new chapter of the infertility roller coaster ride. Our first IVF cycle! Right now... waiting on financial clearance so that our nurse can get the meds ordered. Since insurance covers nothing, we're paying for the cycle with a loan and for the meds with savings. We're getting a little discount by participating in the Ferring Heart program, we'll take it! Hope to connect with some New Year IVF'ers and for many BFP's!