IRL Support System

Tonight shouldn't seem like a big deal but it was to me.  We talked to PC's parents and his brother/SIL about what's ahead for us.  For a long time, I didn't want anyone IRL to know about IVF. 
If IVF resulted in a healthy baby, I wouldn't care to shout to the world that we used it as a means to have a child... it's not that.  I think it's that I just don't want so many people involved and invested on such an emotional journey that may not turn out the way we hope it will.  But I do want a close circle of people that care about me the most--around me at a time that I need them the most.  This group includes my mom and grandparents, PC's parents and brother/SIL and a handful of close friends and co-workers.  I need an IRL support system in addition to having blog buddies, no offense!   Everyone has been wonderful.  They want to help in any way possible.  So SIL was assigned to the backside shots tonight, yay for having a nurse in the family!  I feel a little bit of weight off my shoulders... now my IRL circle is complete and it's time to get this show on the road in the stirrups!

        

2WW until IVF#1- I Hope!

Today is 2 weeks until I'm supposed to do the first lupron injection and get this IVF cycle underway.  A couple of MAJOR things have to happen before then.
1.  Order Meds
2.  Financial Clearance

Really, these two things may be more stressful than the cycle itself!  I should spare you all these details, but I'm free to vent here, right? 

Meds- PC and I estimated on the low end because of a misunderstanding about a discount program (earlier post) and we're trying to make up for that by really comparison price shopping on-line. Purchasing on-line or even out of the country means that Nurse LLD will have to fax the prescription to us rather than calling it in to a pharmacy but that can't happen until...
Financial clearance- This department has a lot of turnover and they are not helpful (and sometimes just hateful) over the phone!  When I called to pay for our cycle, consultant (#2) said "I'm sorry but that was last year's price and there's been an increase.  You will have to pay the new price."  (A $2000 increase.)  My response was "We signed a financial contract in the fall and knew we wouldn't do this cycle until after the new year.  Is that contract not valid?"  She tells me no again and that I can try to work it out with the person that's soon taking her place.  Grrrrr.......
To make this long story short, I call Nurse LLD and unload these issues on her and she tells me to fax a copy of the contract and she'll give it to Dr. S. on Friday.  I also asked her if I could send a letter.  Did I mention that we heart Nurse LLD?  This was her e-mail response to me today...minus IRL names:
Hi, you may email an attachment and I will make sure Dr. S gets it on Friday.  I realize that financial clearance is a big pain and may be the most stressful.  I will look for your letter.  Hope you have a great day.

I just don't know everything will fall into place over the next two weeks or not.  If it's put off another month, I have to believe there's a reason. 


P.S.  The blog makeover is in honor of a new phase of the IF journey... and yes, we're having a pretty sweet Mac+PC smooch behind those laptops and that makes me :]  

Many thanks to Amy at Maternal Hope for the blog award!  Isn't this such a cool way to connect with people?  Not cool that we're having to travel down the infertility path but very cool that this is a way to share the journey with others who understand... and in pajamas if we prefer!  It is a much needed outlet and I appreciate "meeting" such strong and brave women along the way!

Rules for accepting this award:
1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award.
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it

Seven Things About Me:
1.  I'm an introvert.  I'm misunderstood as being shy... but really I just like listening and considering all points of view before giving mine.
2.  I'm semi-fluent in Spanish, meaning I can carry on a conversation but the grammar is asi asi not excellente.    
3.  I love country food.  Beans-n-Greens are okay with me.  This makes PC wince.    
4.  I really want to accomplish two things on my "40 before 40" list (besides a BFP):  how to drive a stick shift (in progress) and how to play a guitar (not a clue).   
5.  PC and I met because a mutual friend (also my boss at the time) "woke up at 3 a.m. and thought that we would be a perfect match."  She asked if she could pass along my number to him... he called... we met... we married less than a year later and sent her a thank you gift on our one year anniversary:]  
6.  I was in the band in high school and played the xylophone. 
7.  I (still) love a good plan.

15 others on this journey who encourage and inspire ...

A Miracle for Us

Baby on my mind

Bumpy Road to Motherhood

Diary of taking small steps toward baby steps....

Gracie in Brooklyn

Mr. and Mrs. Lemon

Mutemockingbird's Blog

My Journey Through IVF

 MyTTCstory

our new plan A

OUR TTC JOURNEY...

Raising Cain (someday)

Trying To Get A Bun In My Oven

Waiting for a baby bump

Yet another infertility blog...

Ready (Jan) Set (Feb) Go (March)

We're at least moving into the 'Ready' phase here. Today was AF-Day 1, IVF-phone consult, MRI and Acupuncture! My body seems to be on the procrastinate and cram schedule!

I called the IVF nurse to let her know this is cycle day 1. For IVF/blog purposes, I'll refer to her as Nurse LLD, which stands for Lunch Lady Doris... this is her in the cartoon version. Same voice, same no-nonsense, same get it done attitude who (you get the impression) probably turns around and rolls her eyes...or takes a smoke break... when people irritate her. PC and I instantly liked Nurse LLD! She told me we will start lupron on day 21, do a baseline u/s & one other procedure with the next menses to get this IVF going. This will put injections/stims around mid to the end of February and ER/ET around the first of March. But nothing about the IVF timeline is truly predictable, right?

The MRI-
Conversation between me & PC earlier today.

Me-"This is really one of the last tests I know of to check my infertility/hormonal issues."
PC- "If this shows something is wrong, will it mean a plan B?"
Me- "If I have an active pituitary tumor, I guess it could mean removing it. Brain surgery."
PC- "Is that covered by insurance?"
Me- "It should be."
PC- "Then that would probably be cheaper than IVF."
Me- "Is that the bright side?"

Why can't we just come home and ask "How was your day today, honey?" Sigh.

Acupuncture 'Before IVF' #2-
Dr. C said there had been a lot of TTC ladies in his office today. Yep. He said I was my "usual tensed up self" and I gave him a recap of my day. Yep.

My constant racing thoughts problem was kind of fun during acupuncture today. I made a mental image/list of "good to great" things to get me through the next few weeks. A top 10 of things that I love + some honorable mentions in good (1) to great (10) order.

1. Sweet Tea, it can even be decaffeinated, just sweet+tea
2. A good book, a good movie, or both!
3. Birding
4. Reading/Writing/Stalking Blogs
5. Petting and brushing the puppies (super cheap calming effect)
6. A Girls Night Out
7. Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake, must work this in the schedule somewhere.
8. Thinking Dreaming about... spring & summer days ahead!
9. Thinking Dreaming about... two.pink.lines.
10. Dinner and Date Nights with sweet PC:]

This post has gotten too long for the honorable mentions but feel free to share some things on your good to great, get through IVF, list!

To Laugh or Cry?

I choose to laugh. The e-mail of the day between Mac and PC.
A glimpse into our crazy L'IF'E!

Waiting Game...

IVF 2011 update: Still waiting on everything... AF, meds, schedule, financial clearance, BFP!

I have an MRI scheduled for this Friday to check out the pituitary area and another 'acupuncture before IVF' after that.

Here lately I've been letting my mind and heart go to places that I've avoided for a long time. Like actually scanning the baby stuff in stores when I walk by, thinking of potential names, imagining ways to share the news of a BFP and saying hello again to those darn 'I wonders.'

PC is totally on board with the IVF plan but very worried about me if this doesn't turn out how we want it to. He wants reassurance that I would be okay if it does not work. I've told him the givens 1- I want the answers from IVF about ovulation & eggs regardless of the outcome 2- life and the mission to 'make each day count' will go on 3- I love him very much and that won't change. Anything other than that is unknown territory and I would have to deal with those feelings & emotions in my own way, on my own time. At this point, I just want to get this process started and take it one step at a time!

FYI- I was informed by PC that my pics of the fur babies did them no justice so I've pulled that post until I can get better pet portraits... like that's an easy thing to do!

From B*tch & Gripe to Blogs & Gratitude!

Reverse (infertility) psychology... "AF, I don't need you to get here so I can start IVF. Take your sweet time and skip if you want to this cycle. I know a skipped cycle doesn't mean a BFP, but rather that I don't ovulate. Thanks for being such a faithful reminder that my efforts in baby-making have failed!"

I should probably lose the attitude during IVF. I'm hoping it's PMS!

I called my ob/gyn (Dr. B6) today and asked his nurse to see about ordering an MRI of the pituitary gland for me. I really haven't come across many blogs where this was done in the multitude of IF diagnostic tests but I want to do it for a couple of reasons 1- a pituitary adenomyoma can cause anovulation 2- what's one more test in the world of IF? I don't have headaches. I don't want to think about an adenomyoma hanging out in my brain. But I don't ovulate and this would be one more piece of the puzzle. I'm not sure why I even feel the need to explain this to IF'ers... resilient women who would go to the ends of the earth if it meant one step closer to the prize! Thanks out there in blog world for listening/crying/screaming/laughing along with me and letting me do the same in each of your lives. A blog should be on the treatment list right.before.Clomid! :]

Add emotional... gotta be PMS!

IVF Meds=!@%#!

Yesterday afternoon I called the IVF nurse/coordinator to let her know I'm still eager to get things going with IVF but that I've been playing phone tag with the financial clearance person. She said we could go ahead & get the meds ordered. She told me the specifics of what I would need and that I could call pharmacies for prices. And then things started unraveling from there.

I made a stupid mistake when planning & budgeting for everything. I interpreted the information about discounts from the Ferring Heart Program wrong. I thought the FHP discount would put our total for meds around $2500. Imagine my disappointment and disgust when I called the pharmacy & they gave me the total of $4860+$10 program enrollment fee to get the discount (!@%#!). This price is for Bravelle & Menopur, 10 days worth, WITH the discount. In addition to being disappointed & disgusted, I came home feeling defeated because it makes us $2300 short.

I realize one reason these meds are expensive is because pharmaceutical companies have to make a profit and price goes up with less volume. But why does it feel like such a trap? Think of all the unused vials out there that go to waste or are used for injection training purposes because of FDA guidelines. Add that to the "IF sucks because... list!"

Things looked a little brighter when PC reminded me that was just one pharmacy and he would see what he could find out online. By the time he was finished, he had made a spreadsheet of different pharmacies and price comparisons. See exhibit A below.

How sweet is he? How lucky am I? He lifts me up when I need it most and sees the glass half full when I think it's beyond empty! If we are able to use some of the pharmacies he found online, we can get the cost closer to $3000. These meds better stimulate the economy ovaries in a major way!

Acupuncture- Before IVF

My acupuncture plan throughout IVF is to go once before, during and after the procedures. Today was my before visit. I don't know all the correlations with acupuncture and IVF success rates but my main reason for going is that it relaxes me more than any massage or glass of vino!
It is also always interesting to hear what Dr. C has to say. His main goals for me from this visit were 1. I need to exercise more and "break a sweat" were his exact words and 2. Spread out the multi-vitamins, especially while going through IVF.

About the exercising... he said "you know when someone cuts you off in traffic and your body tenses up? Your body is like that all the time and you need to get rid of some pent of energy." He also said, "I realize you have a job that can be really stressful but you are going to eventually end up with ulcers & gallstones if you don't manage it better." (Lovely, all I could think about was how Cesar Milan imitates the dogs with pent up energy and scolds rehabilitates the owners for not giving them enough exercise). Remember this post? Nothing has changed and I sure don't want to decrease my chances during IVF because of all this extra tension I carry around. So I guess I need to get moving and do that belly & butt busters DVD that I so loathe!!!
Breathe in, breathe out.

The multi-vitamins... I kind've got lost in the explanation but something about how our bodies stop doing what they are meant to do through eating a healthy, balanced diet. PC says it makes sense but I've got to think over that a little more. That's the one habit I'm really good at!
And good news... from the Eastern medicine viewpoint, my hormones appear to be in balance!

organizing for IVF ???

Calling all Type A :] (or not) bloggers out there who can share advice about how you organize for/during IVF? Anything in relation to preparing meds, doing the injections, keeping on schedule... ??? I'm feeling so overwhelmed & haven't even got past financial clearance yet!!!

2010 Recap

Since I took a one year hiatus from blogging here, I wanted to recap the (mostly non-IF) low/highlights of the year (besides the usual day to day routine):

We enjoyed our first year in the home we built! 1 year of payments behind us and only 20+ more to go, ahhhh the joys that come with it! This pic was taken two days ago when 6-8 inches of fell across many parts of the Southeast.

Puppy #1 and Puppy #2 grew... and grew... and grew!

PC totaled his truck, one and a half flip. It was scary. I don't want to post a pic because it still makes me sick to think about. Truly a Blessing that he walked away from it without a scratch.

I also took a year hiatus from graduate school, and I'm not proud of it. This year is now-or-never with my degree plan. Sigh.

I canned green beans with the MIL in the summer! This work makes me appreciate every bite a little more.


I learned a little more about the stock market, couponing/budgeting, cooking, landscaping, property laws, editing pictures and... (still thinking)

We camped a few times, always fun. Then we sold the camper. And used the money to put in a half bath in our basement. Um, I hesitate to add this but PC is really proud that the half bath comes complete with a urinal. Compromise...

We decided on Jan.-March 2011 for IVF. Got all of the pre-tests, including trial transfer, out of the way in the fall of 2010. I need to share a funny about that later!

I had an MRI because of a spot on my right breast and family history of breast cancer. Right was fine but a place showed on the left. Went for a biopsy and they couldn't find anything... Blessing!

PC and I celebrated 5 years together:] PC has become a 95% MAC supporter (in this case I'm referring to the computer, since hopefully I get 99.5%). It won't be long until he c.r.o.s.s.e.s o.v.e.r!

Read a few books, watched a couple of movies and went to a couple of concerts. My favorites- The Hunger Games Series, Tangled and Gary Allen (that's a diverse list!)

We went on long weekend trips in March, June and December as budget-friendly as we could.

MIL was sick to the point of being admitted to the hospital the week of Christmas. Another Blessing that she came home Christmas Eve and has slowly been regaining strength day by day.

We still have our same jobs although we lost some income due to the economy. Our families are healthy and well despite a few setbacks along the way. Infertility still sucks but life is still good!

And we wrapped up 2010 with snow on Christmas Day! High expectations for 2011...

2011- IVF, Here we come!

I am stepping back into the blog world, one year later, to document a new chapter of the infertility roller coaster ride. Our first IVF cycle! Right now... waiting on financial clearance so that our nurse can get the meds ordered. Since insurance covers nothing, we're paying for the cycle with a loan and for the meds with savings. We're getting a little discount by participating in the Ferring Heart program, we'll take it! Hope to connect with some New Year IVF'ers and for many BFP's!

100th post and last day of 2009

I thought it was fitting to give this blog a temporary "good-bye" with the 100th post and on the eve of a new year. I'm going to re-direct my attention and focus on some other life goals...besides becoming a mom... in the coming months.

I have a lot of faith in 2010. I hope to accomplish several things in my world and see positive change in our country too. I want to soak up every minute with family and friends and not take anything about those relationships for granted. I want to work hard, pray hard, play hard and put others first. These are not resolutions or goals (I'll just stick to the same ones as 2009 since those are still a work in progress:) but the way that I want to live.

I'll still be a blog stalker until a few little miracles are born to those in my blog roll that I've followed their "story" and look forward to a happy ending... or rather, beginning.

Happy New Year everyone... Make it Count!!! Miss Mac

Random-ness

99th post! I'm averaging 1-2 posts a month so this is a reminder that the next post is #100! I've lost some interest as a blogger mainly b/c I never have any big news to share in the IF world. Things have (for the most part) stayed the same 'ol, same 'ol... wacky cycles & no sign of ovulating. But, if all things work out according to how I'm planning them in my head, by this time next year I will have said hello to IVF and good-bye to IF!!! Nice thoughts:]

So, what's been taking place in Mac and PC world?

We're two weeks away from closing on a home that we started building in May! Yes, there was some moments of stress & things haven't always gone smooth, but PC and I have (almost) made it through this process together with a beautiful home to show for it--- still happy, in love and better because of the compromising:]

Apple & Charlie are right at the one year old mark. No longer little puppies but still full of the puppy spirit! They will have a special room in the new house and I can't wait to see their reaction... not planning for a baby room results in spoiled rotten pets:]

I have an appt. with the ob/gyn next month. It's an oh-so-fun regular annual exam but I know he would like to try a couple of IUIs. Depends on how much it will cost and if it would take away from the IVF funds.

Little piece of our lives the past few months... maybe the 100th post will be a picture of our house and a positive sign of the future:]

October- Final Clomid, Hoping 3rd time's a charm!

Day 3-7: Clomid 100 mg
Day 10-18: Bding
Day 16: darkest line yet on OPK
Day 21: progesterone= I'm not going to get the test this cycle.
Day 28: AF

Next?

September, Clomid- take 2

Day 3-7: Clomid 100 mg
Day 9, 11, 13, 16: Bding & bad time to have to leave for a 2 day out of town conference!!!
Day 14: darkest line yet on OPK
Day 21 (9/24): progesterone= 0.9= no ovulation
Day 27: 33rd birthday & AF arrives= just plain cruel.

October= final round of Clomid.

Update

Day 3: FSH=5.1, Estradiol=15.47
Day 5-9: 100 mg. Cl.omid
Day 8: u/s= 2 follicles on the left, 1.37 cm & 1.27 cm
Day 10: FSH=8, E2=184.94
Day 10-20: Lots of BDing, using OPK's
Day 17: two lines on OPK, although test line was a little bit lighter than control line
Day 21: Progesterone= 10.1, Ovulated!!!
(Yesterday) Day 30 becomes Day 1: AF & bad cramps arrive & my hope starts fading fast
Day 3: Repeat this plan all over again

10 Day Clom.id Challenge

This month:
Day 3- FS.H & Estra.diol test
Day 5-9- Clom.id 100 mg
Day 8- u/s to check follicles
Day 10- Estra.diol test + timed BDing
Day 21- progesterone test
4 years of TTC

D&C #3

Three's a charm, right? Well, I hope I just had my last D&C! And laparoscopy...and hysteroscopy...and the really-long-name fallopian tubes test. The actual surgery went well. The worst part was the IV, which took the nurse two long & painful tries. Dr. B6... that's the blog name I've given him because I feel like he's going to be a good dose of B6 for me... energy & encouragement... was great. At first I thought that it was strange that I had just met this new Dr. & was scheduled for surgery, but then I'm the one showing up at his office asking for help and he's not wasting any time to help me. Now, he's had an up close and personal visit with my ovaries & surrounding areas and has a better idea of what's going on. So far, here's what I know- My left tube is blocked:[ Right one is great:] No endometriosis... yeah! Some scar tissue on the lining of the uterus... waiting for test results on that. I haven't had a chance to go over all of this with Dr. B6 yet. He shared all of this with PC, but PC got a little light headed when he brought out some of the procedure pictures so there could be some additional details. I have a follow-up appointment in two weeks. Poor PC. He said he was trying to listen & pretend the pictures of my insides were cala.mari, good intentions--but he still got sick. On the recovery homefront, he's been wonderful and supportive bringing me warm socks & even sharing the remote. The worst part after this surgery is getting rid of the painful CO2 gas and that means putting all lady-like-ness aside & celebrating any passing of gas in any form. Lovely, huh?

So, what's ahead? Another month of BCPs and then Dr. B6 is going to do a clo.mid cycle with u/s monitoring & an IUI. I'm ready!

1st appt. with new ob-gyn, surgery next week!

Very interesting appointment to get a second opinion of my crazy cycles with Dr. B., a young ob gyn who I found by typing in "best ob gyn in (city)." BTW- he asked how I found him and I told him just that. He laughed & said that was nice to know and I told him to go home and "google himself." Seemed like it took away some tension and made it much easier to chat after that. He really did have several great reviews from patients and I just had a good feeling. He was very easy to talk to and I liked his "straight talk." For example, he said "so you've been to a couple other ob gyn's --- what would you like from me--- what's the goal" and I responded "regulate my cycles, help me ovulate, and getting pregnant would just be icing on the cake." I was there for 3 hours and the end treatment plan includes 2 months of birth control and a diagnostic lap next week for Dr. B to repeat several procedures I had done in my early IF testing days... HSG, hysteroscopy (or however that's spelled), remove any endo... won't be my first rodeo but it's strange to think about it all being done in one visit. Although I (hopefully) won't be aware of anything going on! Embarrassing moment today- he orderd some blood work and the nurse said "you don't get sick or pass out do you?" and I said, with much confidence, "oh, that's mind over matter- no, I've had this done a time or two" and guess what? The nerve "rolled" with the needle & it really hurt and I started thinking about it and I came seconds away from passing out AND threw up! Serves me right for the "mind over matter" overly confident attitude. Something interesting is that Dr. B can do IUI's in the ob-gyn... and he says it is less expensive than through the RE. Sounds good to me! After we go through 2 months of bc, he wants a chance to try Cl.omid again with u/s monitoring. He acted like he was up for the challenge so I'm optimistic that this is going to be the start of something really good:]

Update

I've been a MIA blogger more than usual lately. Just a lot going on...

*Taking progesterone right now because AF lasted 30+days. It makes me overly emotional & mean... so you trade one set of problems for another, I guess.

*The house is coming along fast. The walls are up and the roof is going on. I'll post a pic soon. We wrote our first two checks today for appliances. There are so many decisions to make! We have two unique (for lack of a better word) features in our basement... a urinal & a dog wash. PC is also looking for a wood stove. So the man & fur babies in my life are happy. My "wish list" feature... Just take a guess at how much one of these "spa systems" costs... way more than our budget I can assure you. Doesn't it look heavenly though? I mean, it's something I would use & enjoy every single day. I've been scouting C.raigslist & E.bay but no such luck. Still, no harm in wishing!

*Speaking of fur babies, Apple is in heat. I've been reading about it, but guess what... here's one time that all of the infertility research comes in handy. I actually understand what's going on with her and hope she has better luck than me in another year or so if we decide to let her have one litter of little Golden puppies. If we do, it's not for any money. It would be to find a happy, healthy stud & keep the breed going. Anyway, poor girl. Maybe I should share my progesterone!

*New OB/GYN visit next week... there are some issues that I would like to discuss and have checked out before we start the IVF process. Namely, the never ending cycles, high estrogen levels, adeno.myosis... for starters.

*Helped a friend with a wedding a couple of weeks ago and have spent some time editing several of the pictures. I've discovered that you don't have to be that great of a photographer if you can make up for it with editing. So, I've been experimenting with p.hotoshop and it's something that I enjoy. Here's a few that I thought turned out cute... yes, their dog was in the wedding but not a problem for a fellow dog lover:]

*I want to catch up with everyone & comment very soon!

S-mall T-own U.S.A.

You know you live in the country when... this police report is posted in the local paper & it's what people are getting a chuckle out of as the topic for the late night "front porch" chat. (Only after the much more serious chat about the passing of MJ... we're not that far behind times).

Moral of the story below... If you wouldn't do it at W.almart, don't do it!!!

What's bad about...

some time off from work? Channel surfing & ... skip T.LC, skip T.LC... darn it--- why am I so drawn to A Bab.y Stor.y? How about An In.fertile Story? And they pay for all of the procedures to help the couple achieve a pregnancy... I finally might qualify for a reality show! Mac and PC... Let's Make it 3 :]

BTW... AF from h*ll is still here. 21 days & it is cramping (literally) my summer fun. I have an appt. with a new OB/GYN in 3 weeks if I can make it!

Same Blog, No Baby...

I recently revisited the infamous blogroll from SQ&SPJ and had mixed feelings to be surrounded by so many fellow female factor bloggers who are pregnant or parenting. My feelings were all over the place but consisted of (in no particular order)... "Yeah for these women! I wonder how many were IVF/adoption...etc. How long have they been trying? This should give me hope. What if it's just not in our future? I want all of these blogs to get the (P) status." And it's one of those moments where all I could feel was that our status is just a big fat (?)

In Mac and PC World

Garden is growing... something swiped the cucumbers but, other than that, it's surviving:] And...

Charlie is almost 100 lbs. at 7 months old! We adore this Gentle Giant!!! And...


Broke ground on our future house this week! And...


Apple left a big pile of poop in our future basement... hope it's not a sign! And...

aside from the world of IF... that's a few things going on in the lives of Mac and PC.

Time for a new OB/GYN

AF came back after 3 days "off" and hasn't let up yet. Okay- enough is enough. Time to find a new OB/GYN and ask what the heck is going on with me! Seriously, this is crazy. If they recommend BCP's I'm ready to give in... for a month or two at least so that I can have some sense of normalcy. I don't know what test hasn't been done on me, but I'm game for whatever might help. Grrrrrrr!

Just coasting...

AF finally decided to leave after 12 days... yeah! In the IF world, I'm just coasting. Still saving $ for IVF and doing acupuncture every 6 weeks. After the meltdown at the mall a few weeks ago, I've experienced a peace... not a certainty or uncertainty that we will or will not have a baby... just a time of enjoying everyday life moments & not letting IF consume all of my thoughts. An example of a few of those moments---
1. My mom's birthday party a couple of weeks ago- she loves being the life of the party (wish I was more like her in that way) and she was so joyful & thankful over the flowers & gifts that she received... it was fun.
2. Planting a garden last weekend- it was hard work- I was tired, sore, & sunburned- but it makes me smile to see those little plants doing well & excited to think about sharing fresh vegetables... it was an accomplishment.
3. PC and I went on a pre-summer drive around a lake & had dinner at a quaint little pizza place... it was sweet.
4. Apple took off with a bag of seeds from the garden planting and before I could catch her, she scattered seeds all over the backyard & even though I yelled "bad dog"... it was funny!
Maybe some may think I'm not aggressive or passionate enough about having a baby. Believe me, it is at the top of my wish list. But in the mean time, I want to soak in life's moments regardless of what our future holds.

Check it out!

[Miss Mac is the proud owner of a Mac.Book]

I have always used a work-issued Mac & the tech dept. is about to take it up for several weeks to do updates. Life without a Mac? No keeping up with blogs... no surfing the net... no i.Photo... no email...no access to grad. school work (listed in order of priority)! See my dilemma? So, I took a trip to the Apple store & bit the bullet! And they had just started an offer of a free iP.od T.ouch with the purchase of a laptop= s-w-e-e-t! What does PC think about all of this? I have no idea. I haven't been able to pull him away from the new MAC or i.pod T.ouch long enough to ask!!! :]

Sick of AF! Vent... sorry if TMI

AF (or so I thought) showed May 7-10 and was here & gone & not bad at all. So, then, why did she return...nine days later- on May 19 and is still going strong & showing no signs of going away?!? I am so sick of these unpredictable and irregular cycles! And I don't know who is responsible for printing "Have a Happy Period" on the Al.ways pad sticker but I'm thinking there must have been a MAN involved on that decision. A woman would have found a more appropriate saying like "Go away bi*ch!" I'm a regular ray of sunshine right now, huh? Just aggravated here because I had 4 months of regular, predictable cycles and then I spoke too soon.

RE visit

This week, I went to the (3rd) RE clinic... specifically to give them all of my medical history & ask questions about this clinic's IVF bundle price, basically a BOGO deal. Met with Dr. C... yes, we're good candidates and she thinks the deal will still be available at the end of the year (when we've planned to go through IVF). She is the 3rd RE to say that (just from looking at my history) I have lean PC.OS. However, I've had tests for insulin resistance & u/s that proved otherwise. I didn't even "argue" with her b/c her personality was very matter-of-fact-I'm-the-Dr.-don't-question-anything. Too abrupt for me. If we do go with this center- they have 2 other locations & I would want to switch to someone else. Anyway--- I'm considering calling my OB/GYN and asking if he will prescribe Met.formin to me for a few months. If my cycles were regular on Met.formin maybe it is possible that I have lean PC.OS. The RE's other concern was that I be treated for mild hyper.plasia before going through IVF. My endometrial lining has always been thick. That's a red flag to the RE's for pre-pre-cancerous cells. The treatment is supposed to be hormone pills for a few months. As one of my friends likes to say- all of this sours me out! All around me through the blogs that I read the most, ppl I've never met but care about are pregnant or parenting. I feel very happy for them but left behind. Many have been through the IVF process & it gives me hope that it may very well work for me as well... but I have a few hurdles to get through before I can get to that point. Sigh.

Y.oga

First Y.oga class today. A good friend and I walk into a beautiful old re-modeled home, up a set of stairs to a mint green & white room with hardwood floors, a big screen t.v. on one wall, several windows, and two tall topi.ary plants. The instructor, D, was sitting in-between the two plants on a mat & told us where to put our mats. "Have either of you ever done y.oga?" (We shake our heads no). "Ahhhhh, y.oga v.irgins- great!" (Uh-oh, what are we in for, is what I'm thinking). She tells us some y.oga basics... not for physical fitness although we should feel better, shouldn't hurt, not about a certain religion...yada, yada.

There were 7 of us in the class, which meets every Sat. morning for 6 weeks. A couple, two older women (who can bend with the best of them), one younger girl & the two v.irgins. So, we started crossing this leg with that arm & reaching, feeling, as D said, "every movement within the body. Feels delicious, doesn't it?" Delicious? Not supposed to hurt? I found long lost muscles that shouted "leave us alone!" Maybe I woke up my lazy ovaries today! I had a different perception of y.oga... that we would all be sitting around in the meditation pose for an hour trying to train the brain to "chill out" (remember- I'm doing this on my mission to learn to really relax & try some new things) instead I'm trying to keep up with the runner, fish & cobra pose & remembering when to inhale/exhale!

Here's the problem with taking a class like this with a good friend... it's so easy to get tickled! And this is not a time to be laughing. But when we had to suck on our thumb to find a certain stomach muscle, and D told me I had beautiful hips (a.k.a. well rounded) and to just "let them go", & you lock your hands under your pelvis, and learn that our bodies "love to be upside down"... well, it's just easy to get tickled doing this with your BFF! I think we had made D a little mad by the end of the class. We did finally do some meditation-type stuff at the end of the class, but I was too tired to relax, if that even makes sense.

But here's my final thoughts- I liked it. It's like Eastern medicine meets aerobics. I have no idea if it will increase my chances of fertility but I don't see how it could hurt. At least PC enjoyed the summary of the class and asked me to demonstrate certain poses (gotta love the mind of the male)...and I needed the "just right" y.oga outfit... you know, for inspiration, so check out my cute outfit from O.ld N.avy.------- Om Shanti, friends. "Let there be peace." Learned that today too:]

May "Madness"

Hello out there! The month of May is about to get the best of me... busy & stressful! I appreciate the comments & advice about the IVF bundle price. I have an appointment next week for an exam/consultation... we'll start there & then make IF treatment plans. I signed up for a Y.oga class that starts this weekend... never done it but I'm willing to give it a try! I've been trying to keep up with blogs although I've been terrible at commenting lately. I will post an update after the exam & y.oga experiences!

IVF... sooner than I planned? Advice please...

I recently came across an ad for a bundle price for IVF at an infertility clinic about 1 1/2 hours from my home. Here's the ad...

My SIL's sister had 2 unsuccessful IVF's at this clinic but she was very happy with the care from the RE and staff. (She adopted a sweet 14 month old boy from R.ussia since then.) Originally, my plan was to save enough for most of an IVF cycle in 18 months (13 months to go). Now, this offer is causing me to re-think that plan. The price is not that much of a savings if it works the first time, which- if that happened, I wouldn't care anyway!!! But it does seem to be a really good deal if it didn't work the first time. I'm not sure if it includes meds or not---I played phone tag with them last week. The IVF cycle has to be started by Sept. 1, 2009... PC & I will be in the middle of building a house (haven't blogged much about that- but we've decided that the time & price are right). Now, let me say if I became pregnant at ANY time, I would shout it from the rooftop & be thrilled!!! But if my future path to pregnancy requires IVF (right now day 14 of AF & no end in sight is looking like IVF is my only hope), I wanted it to be at a time of "less stress" (than usual) & have most of the money to cover it. So, I'm trying to weigh the options here. I'm definitely going to take advantage of the free diagnostic evaluation and get a feel for the RE office & staff. No insurance for infertility procedures just plain 'ol sucks!!! Others out there... what do y'all think about this offer?

Meltdown at the Mall

I had a meltdown at the mall last night. It started building up in T.arget when we walked past the baby section and there were two moms-to-be with handheld scanners choosing items for their baby shower registry. Then, somewhere in the middle of B.elks, which was full of babies & toddlers gearing up for E.aster celebrations, I told PC- "take me home!" And I cried when we got to the car and muttered a lot of "it's not fair" and "I'm mad." And he held me. And stopped on the way home for pancakes. Thank you, PC. And it's almost been 4 years now that we've been TTC... every holiday time shouts infertility and last night I felt like shouting back. Enough said?

IF Thoughts & Dog Tired

In the IF world- no news is not good news. Still doing acupuncture & saving for IVF later this year. I signed up for a Y.oga class this summer. (Really serious about the Learning to Relax... see previous post!) Blogger buddies "around me" are getting BFP's with IVF a lot here lately. I'm truly happy for each and every one of them. Most of them with twins! In fact, I feel more happiness for people I've never met through blog world than I do when a co-worker or someone else I know IRL announces a pregnancy. For me, it's kind've like you're in a race and (it seems) many have a path free of obstacles and cross the finish line with little effort... and then there are those that are alongside me and there is obstacle after obstacle put in our path & you want them to finish as much as you do for yourself! And all the while-- the clock keeps ticking louder:[ Does that make sense? Anyway, I don't follow a ton of blogs--seem to gravitate more towards those who have some commonalities aside from IF-- those with similar female problem history, pet lovers, educators, type A organizers-- but I've cheered and cried here for several cyber sisters & only wish them the family they so desire whether it happens through adoption or fertility treatments that result in BFP's!

And to end on a funny note & hence the title of this post, PC & I took Apple & Charlie camping this weekend. Apple was so tired that she fell asleep while I was rubbing her belly. I moved back & thought for sure she would move... but she stayed that way for nearly 30 minutes! I have never seen anything quite like it! PC held the lantern over her while I snapped a picture with his cell phone. Guess she had all the fun she could take! See for yourself... what could she be dreaming about???

I need to learn...

how to RELAX. PC and I just got back from an overnight stay at a B.ed & B.reakfast to celebrate our 4 year anniversary! We worked in couples massages & the lady kept telling me "just relax" and I realized that's not so easy for me. Not the same as the "maybe if you just relax" infertility advice... I want to tell those people where to shove it. It's the kind of relax that involves new people & new situations. Like during the massage (new situation) I was thinking "this is pretty good money for an hour--what are we going to do after this--what time is check out--how much should we tip--I have to pee"... sad, isn't it? I guess she sensed that & thus the "just relax" comments. And at the break.fast (new people) some people were talking about some things that were interesting to me but I didn't want to join in the conversation for fear of... what? I don't know! Saying something stupid- shouldn't matter, especially when that's the only time we'll ever see those people again! I did start tuning out when the conversation turned to their kids...how old...how many... but I can't run from those conversations all of my life either. I'm an introvert--G.oogle says I'm a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. It's true. New people & situations make me tired! But I want to get better? at this if that's a possibility. The only way that I can think of improving here is to... just do it. Take risks. Take a class. Give a speech. Go to a party. How do some people make this look so easy? Social butterflies out there... what's the secret?

Charlie

Dog lovers- let me tell you about Charlie. I wanted to come up with a pseudo-blog name, but he is just 100% Charlie. PC & I thought that the Gol.den Re.triever was the only dog breed for us but we have been smitten by the Newfound.land. Fallen completely head-over-heels for this 4 month old, 48 lb. (yep) bear cub-looking, food-loving, massive head of black fur-sporting bundle of fun! So... we were making fun of his awkard sideways gallop/run and then he jumped in the pond next door and put us in awe! This clumsy, silly, but oh so sweet, dog gets into the water and effortlessly glides around as smooth as a paddle boat! He does come complete with webbed feet to help out and his breed is happiest when they are in the water, but it is amazing to watch!!! Even Apple is staring at him... she is not quite convinced that swimming is that much fun yet!
If only--- we could add a little not-so-furry baby to this family......
life is good would get even better:]

My First Long Swim

Thrill of a Deal

First... I spoke too soon about my cycles becoming regular. March wasn't so nice to me & AF stuck around way too long, disappeared for a couple of days and decided to show up again! Sigh.

So- for the title of this post... does anyone else get really excited when you find a really good deal? I do! I love a good sale or a good coupon! One example... PC and I will be celebrating our anniversary next week and have decided to go for an overnight trip to a cool city within 2 1/2 hours of driving distance. I found one B.ed and B.reakfast that had the biggest suite available for only one night. So, I called & negotiated with them & we now have this suite, along with couples' massages, scheduled with a savings of $150+! I also have a few websites that help me when we have a specific purchase in mind- fatwallet.com, retailmenot.com, pricegrabber.com, currentcodes.com- are bookmarked. Recently, I went to a "g.old party" where you take old jewelry pieces that are broken or earrings that are missing a match... and got $80 for three pieces that haven't come out of my jewelry box in more than 10 years. SO- now... how could I get a discount on an IVF cycle? Insurance covers nothing. Grrrrr.
Sometimes, I think this embarrasses PC... like the time that I took in a coupon for a free meal at C.aptain D's and asked for a to-go box so that I could eat the rest of it for lunch the next day. Is that too cheap? And- never have a garage sale with PC. I expect for people to negotiate and he tells anyone that asks "no, that's nearly new" and gets mad when someone asks for a dollar less on his "precious stuff" (that he hasn't worn or used in years)! No, he doesn't quite share my enthusiasm for a good deal. So, does anyone have any good tips or websites for stretching the dollar?

What is UP in the world?

I had a rotten afternoon at work. Basically, I got a phone call from someone who was h*llbent on making sure that I was not going to violate a policy that I didn't even know was a policy to begin with. So, since that's griped me all afternoon & PC has heard all about it-- I'm moving on. But in the conversation of venting to PC, we both talked about similar situations at work even though we work in two completely different fields. People have lost focus (or so it seems) on what matters most in their job and instead there is so much concentrating on pettiness and things that really shouldn't matter so much? Everyone at work...church... (seems to be) WOUND TIGHT!!! Economy? Maybe. But what happened to people focusing on making their lives & the world better? I'm reading aloud to PC & he would like to write a guest blog... sure, why not? Y'all don't hold me responsible for his thoughts:]

Tales from the Gon*ds........

Hello out there in IF world. I have been reading my charming wife's blog for the past year and have certainly learned a lot of new acronyms that I never new existed. Other than just learning all of the confusing acronyms, reading her blog and the comments left on it has helped me understand how IF truly affects our beloved spouses. Trust me, IF isn't fun for those of us with the Y chromosome but it is undoubtedly much tougher on the fairer s.ex. Let's face it, during our IUI cycles my part really wasn't that complicated, except for the container - that was kind of different. I digress, sorry about that, let's get back to the main reason for my guest posting tonight. I for one, being a male, can say that I am guilty of not letting my emotions about IF show most of the time. I know a lot of times it comes across to Mac that I don't seem as emotionally invested in our IF situation as her. Some of you probably feel the same way about your husband. I am taking this blog time to apologize for that on behalf of all of us tripods. We live in a testosterone induced haze and have difficulty showing emotions, especially on subjects as sensitive as IF. I for one am continually amazed by how great my wife handles everything and works out a plan for us to overcome IF. I know if it was left to me I would do the typical male thing and probably not admit anything is wrong and then postpone it until later, kind of like the way we postpone cleaning the carport or mowing the lawn. Thank God women think different than men when it comes to matters like these. Sorry for the rambling, just wanted to say on behalf of all of the males out there, "Please forgive us when we seem like we don't get it. The truth is that we really do get it, we just have a hard time letting it show, it's a male thing." Love you Mac!!

PC out.

WOW. I didn't expect that & I'm married to him! I thought he was typing away over there about how everyone seems so snippy in the world... I don't care if this blog exist for nothing else than to "hear" that... speechless on a blog?!? Now you all know why I adore this guy & why he would be a wonderful father!

Happy Blogiversary to Me!

Wow! Really? One year ago I posted "Mac and PC Enter blogworld!" Rewind to one year ago...
Where have I been? I've heard the term 'blog' but never gave it much thought until my never-ending quest to find one more fertility fact led me to another world that I enjoy weaving into my schedule. We are MAC- that's me...and PC- yes, he's Prince Charming, but our names also represent many discussions about who owns the better technological companion. Let's sum up the past four years. Met PC, married within a year and didn't waste any time trying to conceive. As it turns out, my ovaries have decided they will waste all the time they choose... three years without ovulating on my own. In getting to this diagnosis- here's my checklist for those interested: Laparoscopy, check. Clomid, check. Femara, check. Post coital, check. HSG, check. Bloodwork, check. IUI with meds, check. IUI with meds again, check. Herbs, check. Insurance to cover any of this, unfortunately not. And now? Getting second opinions... looking for someone who will say "Let's find out WHY your body doesn't do what it's supposed to!" And PC... Bloodwork, check. Semen analysis, check. Totally supportive and adorable, check! This could be another infertility blog, but I choose instead to make it my online get-away to discuss anything that's on my mind and close to my heart. That may be infertility, but then again- it may not be. To be continued...
Not much has changed in the IF life except that I can add acupuncture to the list and it will soon be 4 years that we've been TTC:[ We did get the second opinion, which was "IVF looks like your best chance"... so we're saving $ and still hoping for a miracle in the mean time. This blog has been therapy... it has allowed me to connect with some incredible women who've been "dealt the same hand" and know, understand & relate to my life in a way that many others cannot. The only people who know this blog exists IRL are PC & one close friend. It's been a safe refuge for my thoughts & a source of encouragement for myself & others... thanks to all who have followed along.

No O

I didn't ovulate. Progesterone= .7 :[

Bitter

Last week I went to W.al M.art to pick up some pictures at the 1 hour photo.
Synopsis: Teen 1 and young grandma waiting on pictures, infant in stroller/carrier, with Teen 2 coming up to see the baby.

Teen 1: Where's your baby?

Teen 2: She's with my mom.
Teen 1: What did you name her?
Teen 2: Skylar
Enter Teen 3, W.al M.art worker, who obviously knows Teen 1 and Teen 2--also has a baby at home-- & joins in on the conversation.
Teen 3 to Teen 2: You still with (boyfriend's name)?
Teen 2: No, I heard he's with another Amanda... he seems to like that name. (Laughter) He's got her 3 months pregnant.

Yes, I felt bitter. And a little heartbroken. No need to elaborate...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I still haven't made a decision about the clinical study. I don't have a very good feeling or very bad feeling about it... so I've just done nothing yet.

Yesterday, I went to the OB/GYN to get bloodwork for Day 22 progesterone check. I've blogged about the past 3 cycles being normal-- yeah-- but I gave up on OP.K's a long time ago because of irregular cycles. So, if I am truly having a typical 28 day cycle this test will answer the big question... am I ovulating? I should get the results back on Monday.

The puppies are enjoying some cool new beds we ordered for them... they are the same price as big pillows that quickly become chew toys & nothing more than a big mess. These should last a lot longer. I ordered large & it's so hard to believe that they will barely fit on these in a few months!

Thanks for "listening" out there! Now on to catching up & commenting on some blogs I follow...

Clinical Study Opportunity

A fellow blogger- Thank You TID- told me about a clinical study that I might be eligible to participate in. I've been on the phone with the coordinator today and I do qualify & received a consent form this afternoon. It involves taking C.lomid & using a patch instead of injectables for a 21 day cycle. The benefits- FREE & designed just for women with an.ovulatory cycles. The negative- requires 10 office visits & this is a really hard time of year to be out of work that much, it seems like my cycles are just now regulating- would it be a mistake... trying to think it through. I've asked PC's advice but he can't think past the part that says "must have intercourse for 3x's a week for the duration of the study"... his response: where do we sign up? Here's another part of the study- I could be selected for the control group & it's a gamble that I give up this time for nothing more than sugar pills & lots of blood work. We have to decide pretty quick since the study is taking place right now. Any thoughts?

The S.ex D.iet

Check out this news clip for "in the mood food!" :]

AF- A Blessing & A Curse

AF showed today. This is both a blessing & a curse. A blessing because it came right on- dare I say it- schedule. If you knew my history, this is progress! My cycles are never predictable. In fact, I've had cycles to last as long as 45 days... yep, you read that right- and cycles that have to be induced through meds. This makes 3 in a row that have seemed- knock, knock on wood- normal! My IF diagnosis is anovulation and the biggest indicator of that is irregular cycles so... this is is a good sign, I think. And a curse- well, because it means "not this time." I'm hoping that being off De.po Pro.vera for more than 5 years, acupuncture, trying (key word) to eat healthier, controlling stress as much as possible & prayer are all working together to get my body to do what it's supposed to!

OH- & pet therapy. When I'm loving on these two, I'm not thinking about IF! Apple is going through the awkward teenage stage:] And our Newfie, we'll call him Dell in blogworld, is already three times as big as when we brought him home! Truly, he's going to be a "gentle giant!"

Just a thought or two about IF couples

PC and I often observed through RE visits that IF couples seem to have commonalities beyond the fact that we're all struggling to start a family. Through the blog experience, I believe this is even more true. Many IF couples [seem to] be committed to their work. In the RE waiting room, many have their laptops or cell phones close by or seem to be making mental to-do lists. Readers. Not just in a waiting room-- bloggers frequently refer to things they have read or recommend different books. Pet lovers. The obvious may be that we've got a lot of love to share & these are our "fur babies"--- but I think many had these pets before the IF struggle & God knew we'd need these special friends along the way. I'm describing this post to PC and he says "and we're all good looking" he..he.. but I get what I think he's saying... clean cut. Like I asked PC once at the RE... does every guy in here have on khaki pants & a white shirt? Does more work= more stress= contributes to IF in some form? ...

(Quick experiment... I went to my RE website & this is the image that says "Infertility 101") This sounds like a research proposal, but it's just a random observation/thought. Anyway- I follow some amazing couples at home & through blogger who
will be awesome parents!

P.S.
**Today is the 25th anniversary of Macintosh- and they keep getting cooler:]
**How does everyone do a strike-through on a word in a post... is it a shortcut on the keyboard or why can't I figure that out?

On the homefront...

AF came and went this month without too much drama- good sign. Acupuncture yesterday... Dr. C. said that I seem pretty healthy but try to keep eating/drinking foods at room temperature... I posted about that earlier... how that helps my spleen which is connected with IF.
Hmmm... what else? It has been so cold! PC got me some toe warmers to put inside my shoes when I have to be outside for 20-30 minutes every morning for work purposes- those things are g-r-e-a-t! Can I say that I'm ready for summer yet?
The puppies are growing rapidly and their personalities are starting to come out strong. Apple has developed an un-healthy obsession with PC's laser pointer- which she now thinks is the pilot light inside our small gas heater...that she sits and stares at... how much is dog therapy!?!
At church this morning, we sat two seats away from a baby with the sweetest, angelic face. Honestly, she could be a twin of S.uri C.ruise. Regardless of whether or not I'm a fan of the actors, they have a beautiful baby. This little one stared at PC and I this morning... I wasn't sad or angry or bitter or jealous (today anyway)... just thankful that she's a happy, healthy baby & hopeful that we will have a turn.
That's about all except that PC and I are getting quotes from different home builders... we want to take advantage of lower interest rates, but it seems like such an unsettling time for that kind of financial commitment. At least the quotes are free & it gives us some options. A new house with more space surely will be a place for our family to grow:]

Best Buddies

Our fur baby family is now complete. Now, if we could just work on the other...

No place like home!

Yeah- that I'm back home from taking a 2 week class in another state- there's no place like home!!! Laying around on a rainy day with the dual control mattress heater (these are the BEST) turned up on high! We did get another fur baby & "brother" for Apple. You know there will be a picture to come soon! Remember the huge dog, Nana, from P.eter P.an? We now own the puppy version:] Our last 4 legged addition to the Mac & PC family for a l-o-n-g time! Both of these breeds love children... sigh. I'm just hoping that it is our time...this year...soon. Must get ready to go... starving & asking PC if we can get Chinese. He says yes, right after we pick up de-wormer stuff. I was hungry. Lovely.