Thankful Thursday

BETA:  249

  

Thank you God.  Thank you modern medicine.  Thank you God+modern medicine.  Thank you PC.  Thank you blog family.

The tears won't stop flowing... and I'm okay with that.    

I'm pregnant and I am beyond elated. 

LOL, 10dp3dt

Yep, you know the 2WW is getting to you when you get the following comment box and you LOL because it reminds you of yet another side effect of progesterone. 

I am 10dp3dt but I just cannot POAS.  I've spent 5 1/2 years of time and tears on HPT's that shouted "negative" at me and I only want to POAS when I know two lines will be shouting "positive" back at me!  

This will more than likely be my last post before the beta on Thursday.  I hope to join the other cycle sisters who have gotten BFP's recently!  I don't have to say "wish me luck" here because you all have been doing that since cycle day 1.  Instead I will say a heartfelt "thank you" from me and PC for all of the support in getting to this point.   

7dp3dt

It's been one week today since the three day embryo transfer.  Half-way through the 2WW, woo-hoo!  I haven't had anymore cramping/twinges for the past couple of days.  I just feel "normal" and I wish I felt "pregnant" but I don't know what that feels like!  You know those stories you read about women who just knew?  I'm not one of them:[  Good news from my P4 bloodwork, it was 20+ (nurse didn't know the exact number) so I don't have to add any more to the PIO shot.

I'm trying to line up some distractions... Today, we caught an early movie (The Lincoln Lawyer) and we'll go back out for dinner in a little while.  Tomorrow, we're supposed to go to church shoe-less (should be interesting) and then I want to plant a few strawberry and tomato plants later in the day.  I don't think all the distractions in the world will keep me from not thinking about the Thursday phone call after our trip to the RE!

Something happened at our dinner with BIL/SIL that caught me off guard.  They are part of our small, IRL support group who know a good bit about what we're going through although no one can really understand what's involved unless they've actually been through it.  Anyway, I showed them the pic of our embryos and BIL was like "those are in you?  Two?  Twins?  Yay!  Yes... it was always my dream to have twins, that is great!"  All of this happened before I could tell them there are several more hurdles to get through.  When I was able to tell him what still has to happen, his demeanor totally changed and he just looked worried for us.  This is why there's no way we could let so many people in on this.  His first reaction was precious.... but it was way too premature.  I "burst his bubble" in a matter of minutes and can't imagine having to go through that over and over.  I hope this doesn't come across like I've written this IVF cycle off but after being on this long road for nearly six years, a positive beta is a hurdle, a beta that doubles is another hurdle, an ultrasound where everything looks good is a big hurdle, a pregnancy and birth of a healthy baby, that's what it would truly take for me to let go of all doubt.  Just being honest. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

 

5dp3dt

Exactly one week from today until BETA!!!

5dp3dt...

Recently, a blogger was talking about having no symptoms in the 2WW and being worried and I'm having all kinds of cramps/twinges and I'm worried!  I've had period-like cramps that come and go on both sides.  Some are short twinges and a few are worse than I have with AF.  It is so hard to not know what's taking place in my uterus!   

I called Nurse LLD about the bathroom troubles and she said it would be fine to take anything to help... Milk of Magnesium, Colace, Prunes... take my pick!  Joy.

I ran out of needles for the PIO shot and had some called in to our pharmacy.  They were out of the 1 1/2 inch but the pharmacist said I could get by with 1 inch so I get 1/2" less needle in my backside now, small victory:]  PC is still doing a good job with the injection but it freaks him out every time.  He has sympathy pains, which I must admit is pretty sweet.

MIL cooked dinner for us last night (crumble chicken) and SIL is cooking for us tonight (spaghetti).  I have the best in-laws, I'm so thankful.  Hoping they get to be grandparents and an aunt and uncle soon... if I'm getting the royal treatment for trying to get pregnant, I envision much more crumble chicken and spaghetti in the future if I am pregnant!  Do you hear that embryos? 

Yesterday I could not get enough salty (like olives) or sour (like lemon drops).  Not saying that these are cravings, just can't figure out where I'm making diet mistakes so that my body needs sodium and I have no idea about the lemon drops!?!  Let's just blame anything and everything on progesterone at this point! 

This morning, I traveled back to the RE for a progesterone check.  Waiting on them to call me back, but hoping that it's on track so that I don't have to add more PIO!

Fertile Myrtles on FB

I don't have a FB account.  I'm just not that interesting.  I had beans, mashed potatoes and fried okra for supper.  Yum!  See?  Who needs or cares to know that?   However... my best friend gave me her username/password and allows me to be her "stalker" anytime I feel the need to see what's happening on FB.  Here's an edited version (names taken out) of a conversation I came across while stalking:  

Fertile 1- Thank you!  I'm due 9/10.  Have you found out what you're having yet?
Fertile 2- That's my moms birthday lol!  I'm having a boy... due July 3rd.
Fertile 1- Cool!  I bet big sis is so excited!  What are you naming him?
Fertile 2- She is so excited!  ------- will be his name.  Were y'all trying to get prego?
Fertile 1- Yeah.  Of course I should've known it only takes once!
Fertile 2- Lol same for me too!  We are fertile myrtles!  One shot and here we are!

I didn't post this to shout "Bitter, infertile here!"  Instead, it just makes me realize how some people can't even begin to understand what the IF journey is like.  I don't wish it on them or any of us AT ALL.  I just hope they know how lucky and fortunate they are.  I just wonder if they took a moment to look at their child and think "what would I have done to get you here?"  I'm pretty sure they would have gone to the ends of the earth.  I wish they knew that 1 out of 8 of their friends were reading this conversation and they cried... or they cursed... or they felt so broken.  Maybe, just maybe, if they knew the last part of the conversation would have looked something like this...

Fertile 1- Yeah.  We are so fortunate that it happened for us so soon.
Fertile 2- It's amazing that it happened for both of us the first month we tried.  Others try for so long and my heart goes out to them.  We are very lucky!


I stumbled over the words to this post but people who are reading here will get what I'm trying to say... oh how we get it!

More 2WW rambling

I'm not listing symptoms below.  Rather, I think that a combination of estrogen+progesterone+occupied mind is just causing some out of the ordinary mental/health/emotional changes here lately.

Sleep!  I'm back to sleeping with PC:]  By that, I mean that since the week of retrieval I have been camped out on the couch.  Around that time I was going to the bathroom 4-5 times during the night.  I don't know if it was enlarged ovarian area pressing on the bladder or what, but PC is a light sleeper and was waking up each time so I moved to the couch.  Last night I moved back into our bed since I'm down to one trip a night and I slept so hard but not hard enough  because I remember my...

Crazy Dreams!  I've been having some weird dreams but last night took the prize.  I went on a date to a water park with M.ike R.owe from D.irty J.obs!  I woke up laughing when I rememebered!  PC didn't think it was too funny but I told him not to worry, I hate water parks!  The last thing I watched last night was P.awn S.tars so I'm surprised I wasn't at the shooting range or eating KFC with C.humlee!  At least these weird dreams have been funny, which is better than the alternative!

Appetite!  I can only hope estrogen and/or progresterone lead to an increased appetite because otherwise I am in trouble.  I'm hungry when I wake up, hungry before I go to sleep and most other times of the day as well.  Another reason to hope that this works... pregnancy is a much better excuse for weight gain!

The 2WW is still moving slowly along but I'm trying to line up distractions for the rest of the week.  We go back to the RE on Thursday to check my P4 level.  I guess that's to see if the shots in the backside are producing enough progesterone?  I was on valium and PC picked the time for this appointment, so we'll be leaving to get my blood checked at 5:30 a.m.  Arrggghhh!  WAIT, I was griping to PC about that as I typed and he said "we can leave at 5:45 a.m."  That makes it all better. 

Reading back over this, I guess you can add moody to this list although I don't really want to admit it.   

Is it only 1dp3dt???

Sitting here with a heating pad on my PIO'd butt!  1dp3dt and PC has already banned me from reading anything about embryo transfers.  He didn't catch me in time to find this "play by play" chart so that I can hope and pray that my embryos are following the schedule!  This is going to be a long two weeks!

3-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula
Two	The cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst
Three	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Four	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Five	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Six	Implantation continues
Seven	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Eight	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Nine	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Ten	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eleven	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

I'm mad at myself for agonizing over every move I make or every twinge I feel!  One of my friends realized she went horseback riding in the early stages of her second pregnancy and here I am worried about having the hiccups!  Aside from running a marathon or hanging out in a sauna, I don't think that normal activity is going to interfere with the natural process that is hopefully taking place in my uterus right now.  These embryos may not have gotten there through the usual route but I'm hoping they are "home" now...for nine months anyway! 

PC asked me about some credit card charges today and I told him I hadn't used that card in a long time.  We realized someone stole our card number and we have it narrowed down to two online sources where PC recently made purchases and our card number was hijacked.  So far they have bought body art/piercings, spent two nights at a hotel in Raleigh, NC, spent $300+ at a home office store and $1.00 at Home Depot before we caught on and closed the card.  How do you spend $1.00 at a Home Depot?  And do you think they felt the least bit guilty doing all of this on our DISNEY card?  Poor Disney card has been defiled from who knows what has been purchased by this/these thieves!  Now we wait for a claims form to get everything straightened out.  Thank goodness we rarely use our debit card for online purchases, that would be a bigger pain if these funds were drained from our bank account!  (They couldn't get very far seeing as how those funds were pretty much drained from IVF anyway!)

I hope part of the 2WW support here is being able to ramble about topics that may or may not be IF related while passing the time!  

The Transfer

Transfer day started a little stressful.  I was supposed to be there at 9 a.m. for a 10 a.m. transfer with a full bladder and was still sitting in the waiting room at 10:25... with an overly full bladder.  One bright spot was a guy who brought in a three year old and announced to all of us "this can work people, here's proof!"  That brought a lot of smiles.  Finally, they called me back to the waiting area and I got in the gown while PC got decked out in scrubs and we waited on the doctor to talk to us about the embryos and give me the go ahead to take the valium.  Bad news, we do not have any to freeze.  But the good news was.... introducing...

two beautiful embryos.  One 8 and 12 cell Grade 1 embryos who made the trip into my uterus for what I hope is an extended stay!!!  They also did assisted hatching before the transfer.  We've come a long way the past few weeks to get to this point and now I just want to rest and believe that this process can and will work!  How am I ever going to get through this 2WW? 

Blog buddies, I am so pleased to say I am PUPO!!! 

Pre-transfer Random Thoughts

I guess I need to work off some pre-transfer nervousness, which has resulted in the following random thoughts...

Today I wrapped up things at work and brought a few things home to take next week off.  I typically use 1-3 days of sick leave a year so this feels really strange.   My work can bring some highly stressful moments and I want to give these embryos the best possible chance to stick and stay!  In my work, I constantly deal with people and situations where it's not unusual for me to contact law enforcement a few times during the month.  That's not the kind of adrenaline rush that I want these embryos to experience from the start!  Instead I will be filling my time with positive thoughts, blogging, light spring cleaning, watching TLC (skipping A Baby Story for now) and basically doing whatever I we want!

I had an acupuncture appointment this afternoon.  I told Dr. C. about the transfer tomorrow and he got to work doing his Eastern medicine thing.  I told him to make me a good statistic with the correlation between acupuncture and pregnancy success rates!  He said it has to do with an overall improved health state and balanced energy.  Fine, improve and balance me!  For anyone who's considering it, my experience is to lay facing up while he puts in 6-8 needles at various pressure points.  He turns a heat lamp on and I lay there for awhile listening to the Chinese restaurant music.  The needles do not hurt... maybe a teeny tiny sting here and there but (if so) that only lasts a second.  After IVF, acupuncture really is a treat that involves needles!  Anyway, I do this for about 20 minutes or so, then turn on my stomach and he does the same thing on my back and finishes with massage.  I always leave feeling relaxed, which is a big accomplishment for me.

Tonight was PIO shot #3 and SIL turned the job over to PC.  He did a great job, A++!  He's so cute back there giving me the play by play "one fourth is in, now one half, now three fourths, almost done..." although I'm not going anywhere!  The shot is not so much a problem as the soreness the next day.  I have no idea how to make it better.  I put ice on before, massage the area and put heat on it afterwards but the next day my hips hurt!  Tomorrow morning I have instructions to insert a progesterone capsule vaginally and lay there for 20 minutes.  Seriously?!?  That should be interesting... I mean, does it really absorb or just hang out there for awhile?  Thinking out loud here although anyone is welcome to educate me on the progesterone pill that goes MIA.

I've wondered a lot these past three days about what really goes on in the IVF lab with our egg+sperm.  I don't know about you, but it was a weird feeling for us to think that we were busy making an embryo 79 miles away from home!  So, I did a little Internet browsing and came across this IVF clinic's website.  It has a really good video called 'virtual tour of our IVF lab' that answered a lot of my questions.  It also has an image gallery of embryos that really was helpful for me to understand the grading system.  This medical technology is just amazing.  The embryologists have to be so careful... my worry wart self was thinking "oh please don't let them drop our petri!"

Now that I've rambled with these random thoughts, I am going to try and hold my eyes open long enough to read a few blogs and then get some sleep for the big day!    

Fertility Report!

Mac and PC have hooked up in the petri dish, woo-hoo!  Fabulous Fertilized FOUR doesn't sound too bad, does it?  We were happy with that report and just hope our Fab Four continue to divide and develop!  Next steps:  Acupuncture on Friday then the Transfer on Saturday, which I've already mentioned is also our 6 year anniversary!  Hopefully this will be an anniversary that brings us the best gift we could ever ask for!  Your positive thoughts, prayers and sweet comments will get us through Saturday... Thank You!   

To be continued.......................

Retrieval

First, PC's appointment or "deposit" went well yesterday.  The nurse asked if he would like some (XX rated) magazines or DVD's.   He said "no thank you" and she said "well, we have ourselves a pro!" Lol.  I'm hoping that self esteem booster gives the swimmers some more confidence as well.

I went back to the recovery area for prepping about 8:30 a.m.   The IV was the worst part of the whole procedure because it took two tries.  I got in my lovely gown, hair net and booties, gave PC a kiss and was off to the retrieval room.  Those weren't stirrups, they were massive leg holder contraptions!   I must have started looking a little nervous and Dr. S told the nurse to give me some of the relaxing meds.   In about 10 seconds, the room started getting fuzzy.  I do remember the last thing I said... omg. I was thinking it, but blame it on the drugs for making me say it out loud.  I remember saying "I'd like to order two boys, please. Thank you!"  Laughter and one "why." I started saying something about girls being so much drama and then I was out, good thing!  No offense here, I would adore a little girl... the meds were talking!

So, I woke up back in the same recovery room and PC said "five good eggs, everything is okay." I said, "five? That's it?"  (anxious looks)   He told me that the doctor was very pleased with the egg quality and that the follicles they came from were all greater than 14mm.  It still looks like the transfer will be Saturday.

This is not going to be a "woe is me" post about wanting more eggs although I can't help but have the fear about such smaller chances for fertilization.  Instead, I'm hoping that those five eggs are meeting PC's confident sperm right now and they know just what to do!  I'll call them the Fabulous Five!  That thought gives me hope and I'm going to hang on to it.  I will get the fertility report around lunch time tomorrow but I can't post until I get home from work since those computers have filters that block blogger (how dare they?)

In the mean time, I'm feeling good. Good enough to have some Chick-Fil-A on the way home and ice cream when I got home:] I continue to take antibiotics, medrol and have my first PIO shot tonight. Sis-in-law is coming back to do the first one and will teach PC how to do it.  (One of the sweet nurses drew some markers on my backside so that he can have a little GPS back there!) 

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers for our Fab Five to become perfect little embryos. I appreciate every one of you and being able to share this experience here more than you can ever know!

Just pulled the trigger!

Actually, sis-in-law pulled pushed the trigger because she's a nurse and I didn't want to take any chances with me or PC getting IM injection phobia since that shot had to be done exactly at 10:00 p.m.  Anyways, done.  Retrieval at 9:00 a.m. on Wednesday.  No more injections until the PIO.  At this point it looks like we may be able to get 6-8 eggs.  My E2 dropped today:[  But I cannot count this cycle out, I must stir up all the hope and optimism that I can find within me and believe that what seems impossible is really possible.

Lighter note- Ever watched Legally Blonde?  Then you'll know what I mean when I say that tomorrow is PC's appointment and we are not in favor of reckless abandonment!!! 

Welcome ICLW'ers!

Hello!  This is my second time participating in ICLW and it could not have come at a better time.

First, a little about us.  My blog name is Miss Mac and I'm married to PC, who thinks he has the better computer... I must disagree with his thinking here, but he is indeed my P.rince C.harming:]  We live in the southeast and have three furbabies who provide stress relief along this journey of IF. 
 

 

We've been TTC for 5 1/2 years with nothing but a B.F.N. to show for it.  I am anovulatory, have a partially blocked left tube and tests from this past year add premature ovarian failure to the list.  Sigh.   I started stims for my first IVF cycle on March 11th.  We are now two days away from egg retrieval and five days away from the transfer!  I hope to add acupuncture somewhere in the middle.  The transfer day has actually landed on our 6th year anniversary!  I have one and only wish... that this anniversary brings us the best gift ever, a BFP!  

I would love any and all support this week as we have been very guarded in sharing the details of this cycle IRL.  We have a small IRL support system who really don't understand exactly what we're going through.  Many of you have been there, you are there, or you're going there and you understand.  I hope to follow many of you in your journey and wish you all the best...oh, and a baby...or two:]

Update- Day 10

IVF #1- Day 10 update
E2- 738
Left Ovary- 1-15mm, 1-14mm, 1-13mm, 1-12mm, 2-11mm, 1-9mm
Right Ovary- 1-14mm, 1-18mm

My tentative schedule has been pushed back one day because they want to give the left side a couple more days for the smaller follicles to produce mature eggs.  I would love to see the same number of follicles on the right side, but these eggs must be my strong fighters and I'll take them!  I need fighters!  I'm out of meds after tonight so I have to go to the pharmacy at the RE clinic in the morning before my final (I think) monitoring appointment.     

Now I'm going to work on a welcome post for this week's ICLW.  Blog therapy is much needed this week in the lives of Mac and PC and hope that I can support others on this journey as well, whatever place they may be!  Happy first day of Spring, here's to new beginnings:]

The new schedule-
March 21- Trigger
March 23- Retrieval
March 24- Acupuncture (hopefully)
March 26- Transfer as well as our 6 year anniversary, I cannot believe the timing!  Just another reason I really want this to work... any and all prayers appreciated!  

Wait Eight!

IVF #1- Latest u/s and b/w for day 9 of stims:
E2- 543
Left Ovary- 2-13mm, 2-11mm, 2-9mm
Right Ovary- 1-14mm, 1-20mm

My thoughts... eight is better than the three we had a few days ago.  But my fear is that some are going to be too mature and some are not going to have enough time to mature before retrieval!  I need the ones on the right to slow down and the ones on the left to speed up.  Oh, this process is so out of my control and that makes for a frustrated me.  The Lupron should force that 20mm to wait, right? Are there usually any empty follicles?  I promise, I'm not sitting here biting my nails or pacing back and forth.  My feet are propped up and I'm enjoying the sunshine today... but these racing thoughts always make their way to the blog!

There has been a bright spot in all of this.  The RE clinic is a 1 1/2 to 2 hour drive each way and PC has rearranged his work schedule so that he can be with me at every appointment.  We've left by 6:00 a.m. for most appointments and have both been back to work by 10:30 a.m.  This time together has been fun considering the circumstances.  I never knew PC could do a R.eba Mc.Entire impression until this morning when we were arguing (nicely) over the radio stations.  We both turned and looked at a couple we were passing (no particular reason) and they both looked at us and it was a "had to be there" funny moment.  We've shared some laughs and some choice words on these drives and it has just been time for me to realize how lucky and blessed I am to have him as a partner in all things life.

We're getting so close.............................

A Few Good Eggs

First Follicle check today:
E2- 225
Left Ovary- 3 Follies at 6, 8, 11
Right Ovary- 2 Follies at 14

I was bummed when the u/s technician said "three good sized follies" but Nurse LLD called and said that I should not be discouraged.  She said to remember that it only takes one good egg.  Umm... I told her we need a few good eggs and a few more back-up good eggs!  She also said that day 6 of stims is still early (really?) and things could completely change by my next ultrasound (Friday).  I hope she's right... I need some more follicles to show up to this party!!!

She also told me, "no more menopur."  I have quit trying to ask so many questions or understand the protocol at this point.  Just do as told.  I was not a fan of Menopur anyway.  It stinks that any leftover meds can't be sold or given to the RE clinic to help another couple.  As far as I know, my RE uses any donated meds for injection training purposes only.  I'm hoping this morning was my last ever rendezvous with Menopur.

Other exciting news... tentative dates:
March 20- Trigger
March 22- Retrieval
March 25- Transfer
March 26- Mac and PC's wedding anniversary- 6 years!  Need I tell you what I'm wishing for?  :]  

Dreams, Reality, and back to Dreams!

My dreams for the guest room were more like this...

than this...

but hopefully the "clinic" will be transformed over the next several months and dreams of a nursery can become a reality.  Maybe I thought the beach towel on the table would bring me happy thoughts while I'm cursing the Menopur sting!

Speaking of dreams, I've had at least two dreams recently that involved me taking care of babies, but neither of them were mine.  That has bothered me.  One was a baby boy who had a green cast on his left arm... clearly that should have been PC's child, lol.  The other was a toddler aged girl who I loved but knew I was just baby-sitting.  I guess it sounds silly but I just think having one dream about a child that I know is ours would give me more hope and a reason to keep moving forward in the IF journey.

Well, guess this will have to do for a Monday blog post because it's time for the evening visit to the clinic.  This is day 4 of stims and I have my first check-up appointment in the morning.  I'm a little worried because, with the exception of a few twinges, I haven't really felt anything going on in the ovary area.  I was hoping for some type of growing pains!  

Hope everyone has a great week!   

Let's make this a Fertile Friday!

Nurse LLD e-mailed this morning to say "stims are a GO."  So, I ran home and (45 minutes later) had my first stim injection done (hence the post title) and yeah, BABY:]  One down and 19 more to go!  It was my first time mixing 4 vials so I didn't quite get the syringe filled up to the right mark.  I told Nurse LLD and, in her true -tell it like it is fashion- she said "Well, get it right the next time!"  I'm trying!  It did sting but I was pinching myself so hard that I think it was pain from multiple sources.  However, the 30g needle wasn't too bad even though I wouldn't call any needles "good."  In honor of day 1 of stims, I'm going to buy this bag... because I have a bag obsession and because I'm going through IVF, do I need another reason?  If this does work, it will turn into my hospital bag.  If this doesn't work, it will turn into my get away bag! 

P.S.  I think day 5 and day 10 of stims is also reason enough for a gift to self, although we're still on the debt diet so it may have to be something small to go IN the bag.  No problem.   

**Hope to catch up with everyone in blog world this weekend... I've been reading but not commenting as much as I would like.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!**     

PIO- Needles?

Has anyone seen this youtube clip where this girl uses a 25g needle instead of a 22g to do her PIO shot?   She has me convinced that it's fine to use a smaller needle!  It's sad that I'm worried about those shots and I haven't started stims yet!  

Anyone who had the Bravelle/Menopur protocol, what size needle(s) did you use for the injection?  Did you always use your abdomen for an injection site?  Did ice help with any stinging?  Anything else I should know?     

Sorry that this is TMI but Lupron is really interfering with regular-ness in the bathroom.  It's just not happening!  I guess I should be thankful that I'm not having headaches or hot flashes, right?!?  Arrgghhh!
  

A Baby for Charlie *Dog Lovers*

There are 3 fur babies in Mac and PC World.  We love them all but this post is devoted to our big boy, Charlie the Newfoundland.  When we brought him home, he looked like this:

He is a bear cub turned 155 lb.+ BEAR!  You should see the looks and questions we get when we take him for rides or camping!  Charlie has a lot of special characteristics but I'd like to share two with you.  

#1- He adores children.  Newfoundlands are known for being exceptionally good with children to the point that they earned the nickname "the nanny dog."  In fact, "Nana" the dog guardian in Peter Pan was a Newfoundland.  You should see Charlie whenever my nieces or any other children visit him.  He is perfectly obedient and they instantly become his "masters."  It is so sweet.  So, among my desire to be a mother and for PC to be a dad... I want to have a baby for Charlie to have a best friend!

#2 The howl.  If Charlie hears a siren, he starts this strong howl that turns into a broken question mark towards the end.  It is SO funny.  He can wake me and PC up in the middle of the night with this howl and, it never fails, we burst out laughing.  Finally PC caught it on his phone so I'm sharing with you all, THE HOWL.  (Warning:  If you have a fur baby, chances are they will bark at hearing this!)  I hope it brings you a smile because, in this world of infertility, I can always count on Charlie for lots of smiles... sometimes he is my stress relief! 

 

Disclaimer:  Although he is near perfect in our eyes, he is also HIGH maintenance... shedding, drooling are just a couple of his other unique characteristics so we wouldn't recommend a Newfie for everyone! 

IVFmeds... make me proud!

Thanks for the comments and for listening yesterday on a 'down' day.  I hate this for all of us!!!

I called the RE's office today to see if results from the biopsy were back (ruling out inflammation) but it could still be a couple of days.  I have a small cyst but my estradiol is low so that's okay.  The conversation was rather irritating.  I ordered my meds (most of them) from ivfmeds.  I love the good 'ol USA, I really do but I also did some research, read reviews and didn't see anything wrong with these meds except for the inconvenience of the glass vials as mentioned in an earlier post and they do not send syringes/needles.  The actual meds are held to the same high standards and they were significantly cheaper.  In fact, Bravelle and Menopur are not even made in the US!  I don't really understand how it all works as far as costs but PC says the prices are jacked up in the US because drug companies are losing money in countries with price controls and a bunch of other stuff where (sorry PC) I started tuning out.  However, when I was asking the RE's office about filtering needles for the glass vials, these people act like I'm about to take some contaminated, toxic substance!  They act like I'm doomed before the first injection and need to be scolded!  Does this supply look much different than yours?  Geez, I needed to save any money possible and it would be nice if they could cut me some slack!      

and then there was one :[

Today at our place of worship, the pastor was speaking about faith and believing God to make the impossible--- possible.  He mentioned three couples struggling with trying to have children that were covered in prayer a few months ago and that prayer had been answered for two of the three couples.  Then his eyes scanned the room until he met ours and he said "I still believe it's going to happen for the other couple." 

Can you combine a whole lot of feelings into a single moment?  Because at that moment I felt sad, angry, overwhelmed, disappointed, frustrated, confused and hurt.  It took all my strength to get out of there without tears.  All of the plans I had for the day just seemed to vanish and all I want to do is lay here and feel sorry for myself, feel like such a failure.  Now I feel bad that I've dragged blog friends into this pity party as well.  But it's real and this is an outlet for how I truly feel.   

My heart is so, so heavy today.

God, I know you're listening and you already know the emotions I felt today.  

Please don't forget about us.  Please answer our prayers too.       

Baseline Appt.

Yesterday morning was a chaotic baseline appointment.  They were running behind at 8:15 a.m. and those people were in some type of panic mode!  They moved me from room to room with barely enough time to drop my drawers, much less ask any questions.  I did drum up enough courage to ask the -in a rush- u/s lady if she saw any cysts while she was completing the down there photo shoot and she did not.  Yeah!  Then I moved across the hall to have an endometrial biopsy too... something about ruling out inflammation.  My RE's understudy is all business, all the time.  [Short story-  I've only seen him crack a smile one time when he was doing an u/s and pointed something out to another intern (always on display, sigh) in the room about my fun--s and I said "excuse me, did you say fungus... like bacteria?"  You could see he was trying to stifle a laugh (gee thanks) and informed me that the top of the uterus is called the fundus.  Embarrassing moment.  I was thinking I would have to add "moldy" to my list of fertility problems.]  Back to the biopsy- Instead of "good morning" he says "this is going to cause some pain, did you take anything?"  Ugh.  Not as bad as the tubes test but it would be next on the infertility treatments pain-o-meter.
 
Nurse LLD called me a couple of hours later and said that while the u/s and labwork were okay, Dr. S. does not want me to start stims until she has the results from the biopsy.  The good news is that everything looks calm but the bad news is we're in a "wait to start stims" phase.  Patience is a virtue, blah, blah!

I must say thank God for Nurse LLD.  I showed her the syringes/needles that I have and told her I didn't think I had enough and she went around the corner and came back with some extras to help me out.   Then I showed her the vials of solution that came with Bravelle. They are tiny glass bottles with no rubber stopper.  Nurse LLD said "I haven't seen these in a long time.  They used to come with a file.  Hold on."  Around the corner she goes, and back she comes with some vials that I do know how to use until I can figure out these little things.  Love her and you all would too!

By the way, do any of you have vials of solution that looks like this?  What is the best way to open them?  I don't see a file and Nurse LLD said to wrap it in a dishcloth and push backwards?  I'm sure there's something out there on the Internet.  I'm confused about exactly how to get this mixed with the powder.  

Wish everyone a great weekend!  It's a rainy, cold Saturday here so that says "blog reading morning" and lazy day to me.  Hope to catch up with many of you soon! 

Baseline=Tomorrow!

I'm really worried about baseline being tomorrow.  It has been one of those weeks.  PC getting sick in addition to recovering from surgery.  Check.  Flat tire.  Check.  Major stress at work.  Check.  AF with a vengeance.  Check.  So I am hoping that baseline tomorrow morning does not add "big fat cyst" or something else to end what has been a really rotten week.  Nurse LLD said they hope to see a lot of nothing tomorrow... so that I can move on to stims!  So here's to nothing...nada...zilch...zero... just for tomorrow and then it's time for

What:  A follicle growing party

Who:  Follicles, preferably with eggs

When:  The next two weeks

Where:  Left ovary, right ovary

Forget the pain, what about the sperm?!?

I asked PC to "give me the middle finger."  Please allow me to explain.  I married a guy who went through his "battle" scars on one of our first dates.  Strange way of impressing???  Anyway, I was introduced to the ski accident scar, running into a pole scar, dog bite scar and (alas the middle finger) the changing a tire scar.  That one is my nieces favorite... they call it his "looks like a butt finger!"  I think it's a pretty good description, don't you?

So, this weekend PC's stomach pain turned into an ER trip which resulted in the new appendectomy scar! Oddly enough, this one might turn out to look like a smile:]

So, to get to the point of this post... PC is laying there in pain and the doctor is telling him what's involved in removing his appendix and here's my one and only question...

Is this going to affect his sperm?

Pause.  Strange looks.  Explain IVF.
Dr. assures me that PC should not have any problems with his part of the process.
PC says "I have an easy job."  Laughter.
This is one crazy ride.  

IVF Questions- Part 1

I have two days left to take progesterone.  I am on day 5 of Lupron shots.  I am supposed to call Nurse LLD when AF shows up after the last progesterone pill.  Disclaimer- I know that every cycle is different, every person is different and to 'expect the unexpected' over the next few weeks.  Nevertheless, I always have questions floating around in my head (hence the Part 1) and say "thank you" in advance to anyone who would like to share your thoughts about any of the topics below. 

1.  How closely does the antral follicle count predict number of eggs at retrieval?
2.  When I get to the stims, are their any foods/diet tips associated with reducing the risks of OHSS? 
3.  Did anyone else not take BCPs prior to an IVF cycle? 

Lastly, should I put this back under the counter or not?!?

 

It's had a home under the counter for a long time but my RE clinic is also connected to a university and my "delicate and sensitive areas" as described on the box will soon be on display for research purposes as well as IVF.  Prerequisite for IVF- keep your sense of humor about some things!  :]  

If to When and other random thoughts

Well, duh.  It just occurred to me yesterday that we have a nurse on staff where I work.  So, we met in the clinic this morning, she gave me the Lupron shot, no drama and I was back in my office in a matter of minutes.  She even offered to meet me on the weekends but I can call on SIL if needed.  This isn't cheating, it's using resources wisely!  Thank goodness for nurses, I have so much respect for them! 

CRAP with a capital "C" happened at work today... actually it's been that kind of week.  It calls for chocolate tonight.  It calls for this brownie that's the size of my hand!!!

I really want to work on moving from an "if" to a "when" attitude.  When we first started TTC, a lady at work said she had a bag of maternity clothes to give away.  I told her we were TTC and she brought them to me.  That was a long time ago when I thought "it didn't happen this month, but it will happen the next."  Yeah, right.  You know what happened... a few weeks later another co-worker became pregnant and I took those clothes to her.  That may have been my first cry.  That permanently put me in an "if" mindset.  I've never bought anything baby.  So, in efforts to start thinking "when" I'm going to do a little on-line window shopping.  Baby things that I like WHEN...

Tagged... 20 questions

Tag, I’m it… from Poli at BabyHopes.  I am thankful because I needed a distraction since my last couple of posts about pregnancy announcements and injection meltdowns.   

There are two rules and twenty questions.

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
One medium, one large and one giant dog occupy own our basement.  We just rent the upstairs from them:]  Members!    

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?  See #3 

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?  Go the surrogacy route!  Go on a permanent vacation, taking friends and family along the way.  Eating fancy food and hiring a personal fitness trainer to balance out!  Buy another Jeep.  Buy PC a custom mountain bike... and a mountain to ride it on!         

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?  Friday, a combination of flip-flops-sunny days-Jeep rides, new magazines, date nights/PC hugs, and the family members mentioned in #1 

5. What is your bedtime routine?
Brush teeth, wash face, put my hair in a ponytail and tell PC I love him…oh and take a vitamin complete with 400 mg of folic acid

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? My boss at the time had a dream about us, came to work the next day and asked if she could give him my number, he called, we met and married less than a year later.  Dream come True:]

7. What kind of books do you read?  I like anything except the murder/mystery stuff.   

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?  Hopefully, mostly debt-free with a mini Mac or PC.

9. What’s your fear?  Fear of failure and letting people down. 

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity of unlimited travel to any place(s) on earth, whenever, for however long, and free of charge?  Nope, what fun is a road trip without junk food?

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?  Say "five more minutes."  Then (after 10) turn on Fox News and get in the shower.   

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?  He would share my enthusiasm for a game of Scrabble, or at least pretend. 

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?  wouldn't change my name

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?  sunshine, all the time! 

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?  Ramen noodles:]  

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?  The relationships.  The advice.  The support.  It is therapy. 

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Sweet (and I love sour candy)

18. What items are in your purse right now?  wallet, coupons, pen, pencil, sticky notes and germ-x

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?  I live in the mountains so I want a vacation at the beach! 

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?  The shouldn’t part is only because I probably should be doing something more constructive… but Glee and Grey’s make me laugh, love TLC shows, American Idol, and my newest favorite is Pawn Stars

Tag, you’re it to anyone who would like to play:]

Injection #1=Lupron sucks already!

Omg.  The follistim pen was a piece of cake compared to Lupron.  First injection this morning and it didn't go so well.  I took the syringe out before turning it over and medicine sprayed out.  Stress.  Last night, I found conflicting  instructions- one said to do 20 units and another said 10 units.  I did 20 units this morning and have placed a call to the nurse to get this worked out.  More stress.  I kept seeing air bubbles and PC reminded me how dangerous those were.  He was really sweet and trying to be helpful but... add it to the stress!  That stuff really stings!  Major stress!  And I lay here typing this instead of getting ready for work because all that stress was followed by throwing up and almost passing out.  I keep asking PC what went wrong... he said I didn't do anything wrong as far as the injection but I let the stress get the best of me.

I know... suck it up... there's a lot more to come!  I'm amazed at all of the strong, amazing women who have gone through this more than once.  I understand why but after one little injection I am just amazed.  Can you please tell this wimp how to avoid a scenario like this every morning?   
 

Prayer

Several weeks ago, our pastor said that his heart was heavy and he wanted to pray for some very specific situations that some of us were going through... one was couples who were having trouble conceiving.  Two other couples went forward and PC and I responded as well.  In that moment, I was thinking "why would we refuse extra prayers and support" but it was very hard to expose something so personal with that many people.  

Today, I received this e-mail:

 Hi,

Just wanted to let you know that the Lord has answered our prayers and I am pregnant and due September 9!!!  I have been walking around in complete shock for a couple of weeks. :0) Thank you for your prayers and support.  Know that we will continue to pray for you and ----. I know the pain and frustration of hearing yet another person is pregnant, but I also know deep down in my heart that he has a plan that will surpass even your wildest dreams for you and your family.  If there is one thing that I have learned through all of this is that He is in control even when I didn't want Him to be or think He was.   I finally had to accept that His plan for me was good even if it wasn't my plan.  Now, I can't wait to see how He will answer your prayers.  :0) 

 P.S.  Please keep praying that we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby when the time comes.  I am trying not to worry to much.  :0)

I think it is very sweet of her to personally e-mail me.  Only someone who has faced infertility would understand how thoughtful that is.  When anyone in the infertile-blogosphere announces a pregnancy, I cheer and celebrate with them.  So why is my heart so heavy right now when this is a precious friend who has fought the same battle?  I couldn't reply to her.  My fingers wouldn't move to type words of celebration because my heart couldn't go there.  I feel selfish.  I feel broken.  I want this to be her time and I want her to have a healthy, happy baby but I want it too.  For the other two families who exposed our pain that day... we also want that answered prayer.  

ICLW... welcome to Mac and PC!

This is my first time participating in ICLW and I'm excited to be able to leave and receive some comments from some new people as well as those on my blog list (some of which I still have not left comments, sorry... hopefully that will soon change).  

Why Mac and PC?  Our pseudo-blog names simply come from who thinks they have the better operating system.  

As far as computers go, of course I think I win!  As far as my reproductive operating system, I'm failing miserably:[  We've been TTC for 5 1/2 years with nothing but a B.F.N. to show for it.  I am anovulatory and have a partially blocked left tube.  My latest test results leave the RE to believe that I am borderline premature ovarian failure (gulp).  In three days, I will start suppressing the ovaries (they should be good at that) with Lupron to get our first IVF cycle going!  I have had a couple of acupuncture appointments recently and plan to time another one later in the IVF cycle.  It's one among many things on the list of "yes, I've tried it" that just makes me feel better, so why not!  I am a few months away from the dreaded 35, and you know what they say about that... but since when did infertility stop us from what we say?  I We say that it IS our time for two pink (or blue) lines:]  I wish everyone a happy ending in this journey that none of us asked for... thanks for letting me join in the ranting, shouting, crying, supporting, praying, hoping, cheering, and helping that takes place in the blog world.  Let me know if you are a new follower so that I can find and follow you too!  

P.S.  I've apologized recently for anything negative I might say due to several days ON progesterone and OFF of caffeine, but thankfully everyone here completely understands!

Meds & Money

Just taking progesterone here and sorting out the massive amount of medications!  

I've been taking the progesterone at night so my mean-ness seems to be reserved more for the night than during the day, yay?!?  PC says I even kicked him out of bed last night, which I really don't remember.  I do remember being very dizzy!    

By the way, the instructions read:  
Take 2 Capsules Every Evening For 12 Days.  Insert One Capsule Vaginally the AM of Embryo Transfer. Someone please enlighten me and forgive me for asking about a TMI topic...but seriously?  I don't get it.   I take 24 of these lovely capsules the way I would normally take medicine and then #25 gets to go on a field trip?  The shots sound a lot easier to me.  In and Out.  But #25 is causing me to have a lot of how...why... really... then what thoughts!  This also doesn't tell me whether this takes place before or after the ET.  Hmmm..... 

On the homefront... we sold our Jeep Wrangler yesterday.  I've never really had any attachments to a vehicle but I sure did love that Jeep!  PC and I are doing a "snowball debt diet" where we pay off smaller debt then put that payment towards bigger debt etc.  The Jeep was a big expense that was not helping us with that plan.  The only "big ticket" debt we have is our mortgage and my college loans, but there are some smaller things that keep us from having financial freedom.  If IVF works, we want to be in a better place financially... and a Jeep really wouldn't be the best vehicle for transporting baby(ies) would it?  I have to keep playing those thoughts in my head because all I can think about is how much fun I had driving this...

 

Can't wait to get caught up on some blog reading this evening but right now I'm off to soak up some sunshine (finally) and clean up our basement:] 

A PLAN!

It makes me so happy to type that blog post title!  Today, PC and I traveled to the RE's office (1 1/2 hour drive with decent traffic) to get my progesterone level checked and to get our calendar, a.k.a. plan!
                                                   Exhibit A

I was actually given two calendars.  One if my progesterone was too low and another if my progesterone was normal.  Of course, nothing about my system can be normal so it's 12 days of progesterone for me.  I add Lupron to that next week and, if AF shows according to Nurse LLD's calculations, retrieval and transfer would be the third week in March.  I think the first week of Spring would be very fitting:]

PC said "oh, no" when I told him I'll be on progesterone for 12 days.  He asked if he needed to go borrow his parents' camper, which I only half-way laughed about because that drug does turn me into the devil!  What is in it?!?  I think the voodoo!!!  The last time I took it, I fussed at PC about something and pulled out a cigarette going down the road and told him I just needed to smoke.  That might have been okay IF I SMOKED!   I don't.  A co-worker had left a pack in my car when I gave her a ride and I hadn't given them back yet, so I pulled one out but couldn't get it lit... which also made me mad.  PC asked, "what have you done with my wife?"  Then I cried.  This would all make you laugh if you knew me IRL and I'm wondering if I should go ahead and apologize for whatever might come across this blog the next 12 days!

Lastly, PC and I usually eat (cheap) take out in the living room so we were pretty impressed with ourselves for creating a Mac & PC Valentine's Dinner of steak, potatoes, asparagus, rolls & no bake cheesecake in our very own dining room with our wedding china that we have.never.used...in 6 years...anyway, we had a great time and this might become a new tradition.  We would be more than happy to have a baby to share it with... even if it means calling in a pizza and using paper plates to make things easier!  

P.S.  Note the glass of water with an orange slice.  I'm trying all of these flavor suggestions and am happy to report that flavored water is not so bad... not sweet tea... but liking it more each day:]

To: PC

Dear P.rince C.harming,
In our quest to bring a little Mac or PC into the world, we decided not to buy gifts this Valentine’s Day as we are in this season of saving & paying!  Instead, we are content with giving each other a card and having a nice meal together at home this evening.  (I can’t wait!)  However, this blog post doesn’t cost a dime so please accept it as an additional gift because I won’t ever get tired of telling the world how much I love you.  My idea of romance is not all about flowers or chocolates.  It’s about how you crank my car every morning so that it’s warm for me, how you still reach for my hand on our dates, how you have taken on the laundry and so many other major things that keep our household afloat, the way you help people and (this may be #1) how you bring me warm socks when I complain about my feet being cold!  Even though I try to play it off sarcastically, I love that you know the answers to so many facts about random topics.  I hope our future child gets your PC-ipedia  memory!!!  I love that you are still showing your nieces that a getting-closer-to-40-year-old (sorry, it's a backhanded compliment) can easily turn upside down flips on the trampoline!

I am so truly blessed that you are my partner in this life.  You make me very happy!  Since this blog was created about us trying to bring a child into this world, let me say shout that I hope it happens because the world is missing out without a mini PC:]  Happy Valentine’s Day.  I love you!  Miss Mac

Water Woes

I drink one small cup of coffee and one glass of sweet tea each day.  I can't believe eliminating these two things (with caffeine, anyway) has been such a -literal- headache.  Dr. C (acupuncture) really believes caffeine steals from your overall health and I know that it will just be better for my body for the upcoming IVF.  I know water has like 1000+ great effects!  Sure, Coke has the ability to clean corrosion off of car batteries but for health improvement... not so much.  So why can't I drink water all day, every day and like it?  Why can't each glass have that "hot summer day" taste that I do enjoy?  I am on a mission to be a 100% water/juice drinker with an occasional decaffeinated sweet tea or coffee through this IVF cycle and (if we are fortunate that it works) through a pregnancy.  So I have filled up one of PC's cups with mostly water and a drop or two of lemon and I have a bad attitude about it and apologize for all of you "water is wonderful" people who read this.  FYI- I'm envious!  

P.S.  So long to my birthday present from PC last year for awhile unless I can find some really good decaffeinated tea K-cups:[     

Next stop... Lupron

The bank account is drained.  Our new (interest free for one year at least) credit card has a $4000 balance.  Meds are on the way... a few already here.  Next stop (literally)... Lupron.  We have an appointment tomorrow to do our taxes... any refund now belongs to the IO-4-IVF fund!    

The only thing I worry about is that I haven't heard the official "GO" from Dr. S. to start next Thursday.  However, somewhere on her desk there is a message to "call this girl and tell her everything is good to go so she'll leave us alone" or something like that as the nurse reassured me.

I bought a (75% off, woo-hoo) calendar to keep up with all things IVF.  It's full of uplifting quotes and scripture too and I figure that can't hurt either!   This weekend I plan on pulling out all of my paper work and trying to make sense of what I take, when I take it, how I take it etc.  
  

In other news, PC and I are puppy-sitting for a week so that should be a total distraction from what's ahead.  In our care right now are a Newfoundland, a Golden Retriever, a Labradoodle and a Goldendoodle.  Doesn't that sound like lots of work fun?  Wish us luck!      

If you hate infertility...

Irony?  That would be my afternoon.  In fact, it would have almost been comical if it wasn't so cruel!  I left the office this afternoon with my ARC contract (more about that below) for IVF in hand.. hot off the printer... and still had it in my hand when I slipped in to support a co-worker at her baby shower!  Something's wrong with that picture!  I slipped out quickly to go read the darn contract.  Who hates infertility, raise your hand!

 

Paying for a one cycle plus package at Advanced Reproductive Care (ARC) will save about $2000 if we have to proceed with a frozen transfer.  If the fresh IVF cycle results in a live birth, we lose about $900 for paying for a frozen cycle up front but let me be clear that I.would.not.care!  *If the fresh cycle is canceled before ER for any reason, the options are a refund for all except $500 for bullcrap administrative fees or to pay the clinic for all services up to that point and use the package price for the next cycle.  **They do not pay for anesthesia.  ***They pay for up to 5 u/s and bloodwork monitoring visits.  Someone please warn me if I'm about to get into something with a lot of fine print!  

PC sometimes refers to crappy circumstances as a 'kick in the nuts.'  Here was my kick in the nuts today:   I don't even qualify for ARC's refund guarantee program because the information from my fertility charts suggests to them that IVF is not going to work for me.  Hard Kick!!!  They based that on my highest FSH (10) highest estradiol (144) and antral follicle count (10).  Can anyone give me some hope with those numbers?   

*Let's hope this does not happen.

**About $750 for a one hour nap.

***Nurse LLD said the average is 4-6 visits.