From one IF to another

The following is a recent email conversation with another IF sister that I know IRL.  She went through IVF a few years ago and it didn't work.  My heart hurt to type the words "I'm expecting" and hurt when I got the response because I want this so badly for her too.  I'm posting the conversation here because our words to each other would be so foreign to those who never had trouble conceiving.  But it's as if we spoke back and forth in true IF language and I will always remember what it was like to get to this point and that I have friends through the blog world and IRL who are still fighting and how much I want you/them to WIN. 

Me:  Hi B!  I wasn't sure if you had heard the news that I'm expecting. I wanted to tell you that we went through IVF this past spring... I only had 5 eggs... 4 fertilized... 2 normally (none to freeze) and one stuck!  It's hard to send this to someone who I want the same outcome for so badly on this journey that we didn't ask for.  I know you will still be happy for me... not holding a baby yet, but closer than ever to beating infertility. 

M!  No, I hadn't heard!  I must say, I'm glad to hear it from YOU!  I know it's hard to share with someone who deals with infertility but I'm so glad you did and of course I'm happy for you!  I'm glad you only had to go through IVF once.  It's not the most enjoyable experience is it?  We still have 5 frozen embryos...as I was so friendly reminded when the "storage" bill arrived recently.  Not sure when we'll go through the process to use them...time is running out (turned 38 this summer....ugh.)  In the meantime, we've recently begun paperwork to adopt from China.  The wait is really long, but our hearts our led to see it through.  Back to your good news....please take care of yourself, enjoy, breathe deeply, and take in every precious moment.  You deserve it and are going to be such a great mom!!!

Me:  Thank you!  I couldn't have gone through IVF more than once financially, physically or emotionally so I'm certainly counting my blessings.  I missed so much work and my backside is still sore from the progesterone shots that ended 8 weeks ago!  People think that IVF always works the first time and results in boy/girl twins, so far from the truth!  We just got a bill yesterday for the back-up (required) sample of frozen sperm... people just DON'T know!  It's not that I want anyone to experience it, but some level of understanding and sensitivity from the fertile myrtles would be nice.  I'm excited to hear about the adoption process and I will pray that it happens sooner than later for you!  Just know that you have a supporter here and I will be celebrating when I get the same update from you!!! 

Eek...haven't had those progesterone shots in a while, but I can feel your pain...literally!  And I think it hurts our husbands as much as it hurts us!  You are so right that people just don't know.  One year when we had several pregnancies here, someone said to me, "you should drink from the water fountains."  REALLY?  I can't even respond when people say stuff like that because I'm so dumbfounded and speechless.  I could go on and on about comments from the fertile myrtles, but I won't.  I'm sure you've heard it all, too!

Life is Good

This week, PC and I painted (windows open and fan on) and put up some crown molding in the evolving baby nursery.  We had family over all weekend to celebrate PC's birthday and my sweet cousin stayed with us to paint something special on one wall of the nursery.  We LOVE it.  The theme for the nursery, as well as our lives, is Jeeps, Dogs and Books:] 

Have I said that this still feels like I'm living in a dream?  Have I said thank you God that we are preparing a room for a little miracle baby boy?  Have I said... Life is Good.  Dog Gone. 

Happy Birthday PC!

In one year, some things don't change.

 

You still find time to do things with your nieces that make them laugh and adore you even more.

Then, some things do change.

As you get ready to paint and prepare a room for your son.

The journey gets more interesting and there's no one else I'd rather share it with.  You are a wonderful husband and this little boy will be very lucky to have you as a father.  I love you, PC!  Happy Birthday!!!  

Boppy & need decorating advice!

I'm still laughing about all the scary rocker horse comments.  To be fair, I should probably post a pic sometime of the entire rocker to back-up my earlier statement that it looks like "it belongs in a museum."  That picture shows his "belongs in an asylum" features, lol!   

#1- Boppy- If you are pregnant or when you do get pregnant, I want to say the Boppy Total Body Pillow (shown in the middle of the day bed) has been great!  My mom bought it for me and I was weary at first because it just looked big and bulky but let me say "move over PC."  (Awww, for 20 more weeks anyway!)  I have just started sleeping in our guest room on the day bed because of 2-3 nightly trips to the bathroom and all the tossing and turning, and PC is a light sleeper so it's for both of us!  Anyway, I put pillows behind me and then wrap around the Boppy and it's the best I can do for comfortable side sleeping.

 

 #2- Decorating advice- I know there are some decorator/designer blog buddies out there and I need your help!  We have these built-ins on each side of our fireplace and I can't think of anything to do with them.  I love the storage space below but the top is so boring.  How would it look if I covered them with some type of fabric?  What else can I do with the space?  Any and all advice appreciated!
    

Mid-point ultrasound & scary rocker horse :]

First, I just wanted to say that the comments on the last post were great thoughts on childcare but I realized what I wrote (oops) sounded like my MIL could keep the baby full-time and I turned her down.  For several reasons, she would only be able to keep the baby 1-2 days a week unless we were in a real bind.  It would be ideal if I could find someone (or a great daycare) 2-3 days during the week  and the grandparents could do the other time... so I'll be praying for the right person or situation to cross our path in the next few months:]

Earlier this week we had our mid-point anatomy ultrasound...un-believable... and I'm beyond thankful that we've made it this far!  Surreal.  They scanned the brain, heart, arms, legs, boy parts, profile, bladder and he posed for each shot, lol.  The u/s tech called him Mr. Photogenic and I told her I hope that would be true after he gets here because I love to take pictures!  My mom has already brought up that too much flash may hurt his eyes...gracious... let the advice begin, right?   I have to show y'all one of my favorites... doesn't it look like he's flexing his muscles and showing out already?

It was a fun appointment and made things feel a little more real for us.  We won't get to see him again via u/s for several weeks so I hope that he starts moving around in there more frequently.  I also got blood drawn for what Dr. B6 called the 'quad screening' which checks for levels of four substances that indicate risk of Down's Syndrome, spina bifida, or Trisomy 18.  Dr. B6 says he doesn't see anything that causes concern and the main reason for the test would be knowledge and preparation if something did come back abnormal (which would mean more testing).  It's always nerve wrecking waiting on test results but I have a peace about everything.  I think the next test coming up is the one for gestational diabetes and then maybe I'll have those kinds of things behind me for the rest of the pregnancy.

Lastly, remember this post about scary rocker horse?  I promised a picture when it came to live with us and it now resides in the basement for the time being.  It didn't scare the dogs so maybe we'll be in luck when it comes to the baby:]  However, I rounded the corner last night and my heart nearly flew out of my chest... and I knew it was there!!!  What do y'all think?    That's real human hair, people.  Baby's friend or foe???

camping, childcare, etc.

Last weekend we went camping with PC's parents and his brother's family.  Please tell me... where will we put a baby... much less any baby stuff?!?

Yes, that is a small a/c unit.  We rigged it up on the screened porch end of the tent so that me and baby didn't get too miserably hot.  (I still think we were roughin it compared to the others with RV's complete with water, a/c, and bathrooms!) 
We had a good time.  We tricked my FIL by giving him a pink gift bag. There was a blue onesie inside that had "Team Grandpa" on it.  He has claimed from Day 1 that I was carrying his grandson so we wanted to have a little fun with that.  Really, he would have been happy with another little granddaughter to have wrapped around his finger but this little boy is coming after a long line of girls on PC's side so that's okay too!
In one of the baby conversations on the trip, SIL asked me if I had thought about childcare.  I told her I would like to find someone to keep him in their home or someone to come to our home rather than daycare until he's a little older. MIL told me (later) that her feelings were hurt because we hadn't asked her to keep the baby.  To tell the truth, I never thought about asking a grandparent to change their routine to keeping a baby 40+ hours a week.  Help us? Back-up?  Yes!  PC and I have known since we started TTC that we would be a two parent working home and we would just have to make it work like many other families in the same situation.  We wouldn't leave our child with just anyone and we wouldn't choose a daycare blindly... the grandmothers are going to have to trust us on that!  Whew!  Overwhelmed thinking about all this already!  

Boy oh Boy

120 miles + $40 + one cup of orange juice later

= one active little BOY on the way here :] 

Ecstatic!

Boy or Girl?

Wish we knew!  Arrrghhhh!  I have admiration for those of you who wait and want it to be a surprise!  I don't want to wait any longer but this little one is not about to unlock those legs despite all the pushing and pleading Dr. B6 was doing today!  The cord was wrapped in the middle area too so that further blocked any kind of "money shot."  SO... I called around this afternoon to find a place that does 3D/4D ultrasounds/gender scans and I asked them to work me in asap!  At this point, I'm willing to pay to find out pink or blue.  Any advice out there?  Should I drink a forbidden coke?  What can I do to get this little guy/girl moving around in there?!?  To be continued...

Humpday Hero Award

I am super excited to be today's recipient of the Humpday Hero Award over at The Stork Drop Zone!  I wrote a message to my readers in the post and honestly feel that the true award belongs right back to all of YOU!  Thank you so much to whoever felt I was worthy enough to receive the honor!  I wanted to display the button proudly so I opened my e-mail to ask Carlia how to do it and she had already sent instructions...awesome... a big thank you Carlia for creating the award and keeping the IF sisterhood even more connected:]

First Trimester Recap

Some co-workers were telling me they wrote to their child while they were pregnant, they read and sang to their belly, etc.  I thought about writing in a journal but I knew I would never keep up with it.  I told PC I was already behind in keeping some sort of record of this pregnancy and his response was "Did your mom do that?"  (No)  "Do you think my mom did that?" (No) "Then is it something you really have to do?" (Well, I guess not)  Then, it occurred to my pregnancy brain (save that for another post) that I have recorded my thoughts... a lot of them anyway... right here!!!  However, I have not included a weekly update so I'm going to improvise a little and use the list below for the First Trimester. 

How far along: Weeks 1-13

Symptoms: Some off and on nausea the first few weeks that subsided around week 9 (never threw up!), excessive saliva (very first symptom that has never went away... I went from lemon drops to bubble gum to just dealing with it), sore bbs just for the first couple of weeks, strange and vivid dreams, 1-2 nightly potty trips, tired most in the early afternoon, my least favorite- constipation, overall- just happy to be in this place

Baby Related Purchases:  To baby... love you dearly but you will find out that I'm always looking for bargains.  No worries, grandma has already loaded you up with some of the cutest things and is fussing at me about how her "grandbaby isn't going to have all used stuff."  Nevertheless, we've bought a used-but-in-excellent-condition pack-n-play, swing, monitor, a couple of outfits and a diaper genie.  We're looking and researching about things for you that will be all new such as a crib, furniture and travel system.        

Maternity clothes:  Yes, I can't button regular pants.  I've gained 5 pounds and I can't button over it or under it! 

Sleep: Wake up 1-2x a night to pee... if I can work in a mid-afternoon nap, one of my most favorite places to be is in the hammock chair on the back porch, oh so cozy... PC snapped a pic one afternoon

Best Moment of the Trimester:  Telling others, especially my mom

Strangest Moment:  It's been strange, in a good way, just to think about another little life growing inside of me!

Movement:  Not yet, but I am listening to your sweet heartbeat every day:]  

Cravings:  Salty & sour over sweet, just about everything I ate during the first six weeks I couldn't bear the thought of eating the next six weeks... felt bad for PC because that included his favorite, Mexican food.

Gender:  Have a prediction based on our last ultrasound, but waiting until our next appointment on July 5th to make it official.

Belly Button: In... is it supposed to pop out?  That will be freaky, I must say!

What I miss:  sushi (when a craving strikes) and I could use a little extra dose of energy... hoping that's around the corner 

What I am looking forward to: Second Trimester... finally announcing blue or pink...feeling movement

Weekly (or First Trimester) Wisdom:  Keep crackers or nuts or something in the car when hunger strikes!  Invest in expensive toilet paper for all the extra trips to the bathroom!  Read The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy.  Enjoy every single sweet second:]  

Milestones: The First Trimester!!! 

Sticky Bun is the size of: somewhere around a lemon and apple... when people ask how big you are, I speak in terms of fruit!!!

And... the end of the first trimester bump...

Random-ness

We have been failing in the furbaby parent department. Our Gentle Giant (below) has had a persistent skin problem on his chest area since he was a puppy.  We haven't ignored it but we've just kept it under control with meds, regular vet checks and daily brushing.  The groomer told us last week those things are just not giving him enough relief:[  So, our precious big boy (in addition to what we've already been doing) is now on a gluten free diet (btw- Rachel Ray dry dog food is good stuff), topped with yogurt and omega oils and a nightly spray on his chest of diluted apple cider vinegar and white vinegar in the ears.  He stinks, but it already seems to be helping! 

I wanted to respond to the question about the fetal doppler.  I bought the Contec pocket fetal doppler with LCD that sells on Amazon from $58-80 depending on whether or not it has the LCD screen.  There's another one advertised (Hi Bebe) for $99 and it has more reviews.  The one I bought works fine as you can gather from my last post.  I use lotion instead of any gel and (so far) our little one stays in about the same place so the heartbeat has been fairly easy to find.  I'm looking forward to feeling movement and this tool gives me some reassurance until that happens, or while I'm waiting on the next ultrasound.  I recommend one... the ob/gyn said it's very safe and I can use it as much as I want.  I've pulled it out for my nieces, the grandparents and just about anyone who comes through our front door!  

Book recommendation- I have a very good friend- thank you LP- who has passed on some great baby items to me along with a book, The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy.  I highly recommend this book when you get your BFP!  The author (a former play.boy centerfold, btw) tried for over three years to conceive so she also knows that it's just not that easy.  She writes from the perspective of what your girlfriends would tell you about pregnancy rather than your doctor, and it's hilarious but full of good information at the same time.  There are short statements throughout the book for DH to read too!

Speaking of DH, I didn't get him a gift as a father-to-be but I hope that we have many, many years ahead to celebrate.  If this is a baby boy, it's my hope that he turns out to be a mini-PC in every possible way (well... with two exceptions... eating habits and computer preference)!  The world would be better place with another man just like him!  :]

Have a great week blog friends!!!

Hello, My name is Miss Mac...

and I'm a fetal doppler junkie.  Must get my heartbeat fix daily!  Today's fix... 154 bpm :]

Still Here!!!

Two weeks since my last post, yikes!  I have been wrapping up things at work to be off for a few weeks and we just got back from a three night beach trip.  We really didn't engage in too much baby talk during our drive except for making comments about where we would put its stuff!  

About two hours from home, I started having long, sharp cramps that went from the left side to the right.  I recognized them immediately as IBS "pain before poop" cramps (sorry TMI).  For about two hours, I had the cramps and then the lovely trips to the bathroom, which also included throwing up once... UGH!  That was never pleasant prior to pregnancy but it scared and worried me to the core!  I had to remind myself that women get stomach viruses and sickness during pregnancy and to trust my body to protect our little one.  I bought a fetal doppler off of eb.ay and it was in the mail when we returned from our trip, good timing.  We found the heartbeat (around 140 bpm) pretty quick and that helped ease my mind a little. 

Today we went in for a check-up and the ob/gyn (Dr. B6) didn't have us scheduled for an ultrasound but after the cramping episode, he offered and of course we said yes!  The baby was relaxing in there, hands above his/her head and little legs crossed.  Dr. B6 made a gender prediction but doesn't want to officially "call it" until the next ultrasound, three weeks away.  So, that's to be continued...

Dr. B6 did tell me "I know you don't want to hear this, but it is getting time to normalize this pregnancy.  I know you went through a lot to get to this point, but you have a normal baby in there and you need to realize it."  I simply said, "that's hard to do."  I really do want to embrace this pregnancy and look at baby nursery stuff and think about names... I'm just not there yet but I'm getting closer every day! 

Peace and a unique gift

PC and I finally got to a place of peace yesterday where we felt good about sharing our news with co-workers, friends and extended family.  At my place of work, pregnancy announcements are made on the e-mail system and the subject is always "great news."  I bet I've read 20+ of those since I've worked at the same place (with lots of women) over the past 10 years and I never thought there would be one with my name beside it.  It was a surreal moment to hit that "send" button.  The comments I have gotten back have been those of genuine happiness for us and I will always cherish each response.  In the e-mail, I gave credit to modern medicine as well as prayers for our blessing on the way because I want my story to be out there for anyone who may need to hear it.  I've already had two people to share their struggles with me and I'm telling them I am there to listen or to be a support in any way possible.  Why do so many suffer in silence and have to feel so alone?  1 in 8... that's a lot of people who need each other!  And, yes, I will always be 1 in 8 because a pregnancy does not erase everything it took to get to this point.  It just says "I'm getting closer to beating you IF!"    
Back to our peace...it came during yesterday's ultrasound.  I was so worried all morning because of my week without many symptoms.  This little one put on quite a show that said to me "Stop worrying so much, I'm having a good time in here."  Good time indeed.  He/she bounced off the top of it's roof, landed cross legged, repeated, then put his/her little baby butt on the big screen.  Here's a pic of the first bounce...

PC and I are on the reserved, quiet side and I'm already getting the impression we have a little attention-seeker growing in there!  It is such a wonderful feeling to walk away from a good ultrasound.  It keeps the worries at bay for a few days anyway. 
We visited my mom today and she said she had something to give us that she had been storing for two years.  I had no clue what it could be.  It turned out to be this solid wood, beautifully painted rocking horse with big teeth, bulging eyes and real human hair.  Y'all- we tried our best to be positive and excited for my mom but I have been so tickled ever since from something that looks like it might give a child nightmares and/or result in an ER trip!  I will have to show you all but (for now) we are leaving it at my mom's house because we didn't have enough room in our car to haul it back.  I'm not trying to come across as ungrateful at all.  The details and woodwork are amazing!  Mom estimates that it is worth nearly $300!  But it looks like it belongs in a museum rather than a nursery!  (If by some chance my mom has come across this blog and has never told me... I love you dearly and the scary rocker horse will probably turn out to be a big hit, it's just the initial shock of something so unique!)  I really believe one of two things will happen... our child will ride that horse like it's the real thing while we hold our breath that it stays on the ground or it will be terrified of it and we'll say "if you don't clean your room, I'll go get Mr. Horse" and the child will have a spotless room.  (Sorry if this is a major parenting mistake, but my friend got amazing results from calling up Chuck-e-Cheese when her child was being defiant!)  Either way, I think scary rocker horse is going to end up in a lot of memories!    

A bump, a project and a worry

First, the bump.  I know it's freaky to crop out my head but I'm just not completely ready to bare all in blog world... yet.  Really, this is a combination bump + bloat leftover from all the hormones.  I can wear most of my capris, but they are tight.  I come home and put on elastic waist anything..... and it feels SO good!  I'm still wearing all of my regular shirts but bought two maternity shirts from Old Navy to wear this summer, and I'm wearing one in the pic. 

The project.  Do you ever have an area of your home that is neglected for a whole season?  That is exactly what happened all winter where our garage is concerned.  We let stuff accumulate and swept once or twice on a warm day (although it's not evident from the before pic).  We had a beautiful weekend in the southeast so the garage got a total makeover.  Right now, I'm taking an extended break to blog because I am pooped!  We cleaned out, swept, mopped, organized, and then I embarrassed PC by making labels for everything.  He (smirkingly) said "are you doing this so if we die everyone will know where stuff goes?"  And I (smirkingly) replied "exactly!"  He had no more comments!  Alas, the before...  (I've also had other priorities... like IVF!)

And the finished product.  We made enough room to bring up a spare fridge from the basement that's used for PC's job so we still have that left to do.  

And, finally, the worry.  I hate to end two positives with a negative, but I can't help it.  I haven't felt any symptoms this weekend.  No cravings/aversions/off and on nausea/sore bbs/tiredness... I've really just felt normal with the exception of sneezing and a runny nose that I'm pretty sure can be blamed on all the pollen.  Everything I've read says that pregnancy symptoms come and go.  I'm at the end of week #10 and I think some of the earlier symptoms start to taper off at this point.  Still, you know it didn't stop me from POAS.  And the darn $1.00 store tests rarely show a test line that's darker than the control line.  It makes my mind race with more worries, especially since I switched from PIO shots to suppositories this week.  I'm driving PC crazy about it.  I know there are some ladies out there who are shouting right now "enjoy... I wish that were my case" because they have been so sick.  I feel bad for complaining about not feeling yucky.  I just wish I could see in my uterus right now!  Five days to the next ultrasound and that feels like such a long time!

I see getting through the first trimester as such a huge milestone.  I'm currently in another 2WW to get to that point and my prayers haven't changed... please stay with me and keep growing little Mac or PC!    

Last PIO

Tonight= Last PIO shot:]  My backside says "yay!"  PC says "thank goodness!"  Tomorrow=PIP (progesterone in privates) twice a day until week 12:[  Four more estrogen patches to go!  In a way, I want to hang on to these medicines because they've become a type of security blanket.  Things only an IVFer would say! 

Thinking of Baby Hopes this evening, who has not gotten two lines from her first IVF cycle.  I know we share many of the same readers and you will all join me in sending a big virtual group hug her way!  She is such an encouragement to so many on this journey and I wish I knew when we will be able to celebrate wih her... because I know we will!

A Food Story

I just had to chronicle this strange and almost comical love/hate relationship with food in the first trimester.   I must admit that when I used to hear women comment that they just "had to have so and so" I was mentally writing that off as an exaggeration, fabrication or a combination of those two.  I was oh.so.wrong!  Warning:  Don't read further if you're in the first trimester and have full m/s (so sorry).  This post probably won't help! 
My food story starts with weeks 4-6 that were filled with
ginger ale
lemon drops
all things salty & sour (especially chips & olives)
pop tarts & bagels
pizza
beef jerky
combos
lots of Mexican food
and more meat than veggies.  Some fruits.  Adult prenatal vitamins.
Cross all of that out in weeks 6-8 with the exception of still preferring the salty and sour and then it was
cheese grits
cheese
biscuits
fish sandwiches & hushpuppies
salad
hamburgers
sour popsicles
sprite
and gum, ice cube peppermint to be exact.  Different fruit than weeks 4-6.  Flinstones chewables.
Now I'm at week 9 and thus begins a new food love affair that includes
fruity gum
gravy & biscuit
fruit with cottage cheese
noodles & pasta
soup
peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and I haven't gotten a pack of those baby carrots yet but I fully intend on doing so this weekend.
Again, my reason for posting is because I think it's so funny how it really is true that I don't control what I eat right now, my mind/body/stomach controls me!  I'm not going to force myself to eat something that just the thought of it brings on the gag reflex, so I eat whatever feels right at that time.  My problem is that the crossed off list keeps growing!  I'm hoping there is a veggie phase coming up soon!  Seriously, I am so thankful that I've had (thus far, knock on wood) mild nausea that comes on and off through the day (mostly before it's time to eat and at night) but without throwing up.  I read blogs of women who have at home IV's to help with their nutrition or those who have to nibble here and there just trying to keep something down (thus the warning at the top of this post).  I truly believe that this process is one of such miracle magnitude that it's a good thing for the body to be in control of this love/hate relationship with food.  Whatever the reason, I'm so happy to be along for the ride!

Blogging on the Backburner

Blogging has been on the backburner here lately because somewhere around week 8, my energy level dropped to near zero and exhaustion has taken over.  No wonder there is a nesting stage... it's needed to get everything back in order from doing next to nothing!  Bring it on!  Last week was filled with busy days at work and crashing in the evening.  I have at least been attempting to read and comment on your blogs before my nightly crash. 

I had five years and nine months to think about how I would treat a pregnancy... do exactly as the doctor said, eat tons of fresh fruits and veggies, only drink water, etc.  Give me a Big Fat "F!"  My prenatal vitamins started to bring on the gag reflex last week so I skipped two days until finally resorting to Flinstones, childhood old faithful.  (I checked with the doctor- take two and add DHA, good to go!)  I've developed aversion to water, seriously.  I was doing so good and all of a sudden, I want anything but H2O!  I still order it when we go out but I'm having way more juice and sprite than I should.  The good news about my eating?  I want nothing to do with sweets, unless you can count gum and an occasional piece of candy.  But let's look at today and you will cringe... butter biscuit with grape jelly for breakfast, soup, sandwich and salad for lunch (not so bad), fast food fish sandwich (gross!) and fries for supper and cantaloupe and cottage cheese for an evening snack.  This is the best I can do for my miracle baby?  Miracle baby, by the way, has sprung a tiny little set of arms and legs that we saw yesterday on our "stalking the ob/gyn to get an ultrasound before he goes on vacation" visit.  PC said he/she looked like Casper the Ghost and the ob/gyn agreed.  I prefer they not refer to this precious little being as a ghost, but at least it was in reference to a friendly one!!! 

The past four years, we've "ran" on Mother's Day weekend... a quick get away and time spent with each other.  This year we stayed home (partly due to our depleted savings) went to church, napped and ate dinner with PC's family.  My mom, grandma, and two close friends told me "Happy Mother's Day" and it just felt weird.  Yes, I'm closer to being a mom than I ever have been but it still sounded like they were speaking to me in a foreign language.  Surreal.  At work, there were several "Happy Mother's Day" mass e-mails and my heart still hurt and it still felt like a sting.   It doesn't go away.  On the hormonal flip side, PC said and did absolutely nothing and I let that hurt my feelings.  We're in unchartered territory and I guess I thought it would have been an appropriate day for him to at least say he was excited.  The only indication PC has given me that he is excited is when he put our first ultrasound picture as the background on his cell phone, replacing a picture of his favorite president.  Men just process and respond to situations differently, I should know that by now!
Hope everyone is having a great week!

OB/GYN Mission: Accomplished

You ladies are right, sometimes we just have to take control and if it requires stalking the ob/gyn, that's what it takes!
Dr. B6 (my 3rd times a charm ob/gyn since TTC) called me back before lunch today.  He is full of enthusiasm and energy and empathy... I need him!  I gave him the short version of our IVF cycle and told him that I really wanted at least two more ultrasounds through the first trimester.  He said that would be no problem and if insurance didn't cover one of them, he would!  I told him that the protocol that we were still following from the RE included PIO, estrogen patches and no sex...yet.  He made it clear that he would follow that protocol and said that our first time being intimate since this process started may be difficult but it would be important for us as a couple.   He said it's as if we would be-----are you ready for this----- revirginated emotionally.  It was such a serious conversation but that phrase made me want to lol.  I had to write it down on my calendar to remember to tell PC.  PC agrees with Dr. B6 that it is very important that we reconnect in that way as soon as we can.  Of course. Truth be told, if we were given the "green light" tomorrow I still don't think it would happen for a little while longer anyway.  Anyways, I now have ultrasounds scheduled for weeks 9 and 11 so mission accomplished! 

I'm feeling pretty good right now.  When I'm hungry, I'm hungry!  I've been keeping crackers and nuts in my desk and in the car for those moments.  During weeks 4-6, I could eat anything, had little or no nausea and tender bbs but tolerable.  During weeks 6-8, I only want to eat certain foods, nausea comes and goes (but no running to the bathroom), the bbs are pretty much back to normal...maybe a little bigger, yippee!  What I'm really loving this week... Mayfield Sour Popsicles!  I wish it were fruit instead but maybe that will be next week.  Shouldn't fruit flavors count for something??? 

Introducing...

A future Mac fan, don't you think?  

When we got to the waiting room, Ms. Hateful Hurry u/s tech called another patient back and PC and I literally whispered "oh no" at the same time.  She turned our way and I was really hoping she hadn't just heard us!  I don't think so because, to our suprise and delight, she was patient and NICE!  

I told PC before the appointment "I can't see anything so as soon as you see the heartbeat, but ONLY when you see it for sure, give me a thumbs up!"  So, I got in the position and turned my head to PC.  He had his thumb in the middle... waiting, waiting... it went up a little, then back to the middle... finally- thumbs up!  Note to fellow IVF'ers, this wasn't the best idea I ever had.  Those seconds felt like hours!  

The u/s tech gave us the measurements and then she turned on the doppler.  Omg.  The first time, I didn't hear anything but the wahh wahh of the machine, but today it was bump bump bump... 167 bmp of music to our ears!  

Oh, I don't think I've shared that I have good luck prenatal panties!  Maybe I shouldn't share that, but too late.   They are VS gray with little sparkles and I have worn them (no worries, always clean) to retrieval, transfer and both ultrasounds.  I do realize they come off before each procedure but I take some comfort in always having the same undies ready for each trip to the RE.  It's like I pull them out of the drawer and it gives me some kind of "we can get through another milestone" self-talk moment.  What will I do when they no longer fit?!?    I digress...

We graduated today!  They release patients at 8 weeks so now the only thing left of our clinic is the estrogen patches, PIO shots, the bill and (let's not forget) one little Mac or PC!  On the way home, I called to set up my first appointment with the ob/gyn.  They gave me this or that reason why the next available appointment isn't until four weeks away... no way people!  Later, I called back and left a message for the ob/gyn to give me a call.  If he hasn't called by tomorrow afternoon, I will call him back.  I am not opposed to ob/gyn stalking!  I only want to ask him for VIP treatment through the first trimester.  I need to tell him, "the RE got me pregnant, now please help keep me that way!"

We just feel so fortunate right now but the fears keep hanging on.  We keep pushing back the timeline for telling everyone beyond our immediate family, a few close friends and our pastor.  We're at 8 weeks and I've told PC, let's wait until the 10 week u/s.  At that time, I will probably say let's wait until 12.  I clearly have seen and heard the heartbeat and have the pictures of this little living being within me... why am I doing this?  When will I truly believe that this is our time for a miracle that we've so waited and prayed for? 

Quick Post

Saturday morning is starting out nice with a buttery blueberry muffin and blog catching up!  It's a beautiful day in the southeast.  PC is outside with his iPod blasting while he works on home improvement projects.  We are very lucky that our community was spared from the recent tornadoes as so many of our neighboring states were not so lucky.  We have a basement with a storage area that also serves as a storm shelter and I'm glad we have it but hope we never have to use it for that reason!

In pregnancy news, we're two days away from ultrasound #2.  If all goes well, it will most likely be my last appointment with the RE.  I have a blog friend who was at the same point of graduating from the RE when she was given the devastating news that they couldn't find a hearbeat.  Please send Angie some support.  This is especially heartbreaking news in the lives of those who battle IF.  Thinking about you Angie!



 

Telling Family

This weekend we let family in on our little secret.  It was the perfect weekend because we had family dinners on both Saturday and Sunday.  We told both sets of parents by giving them an Easter card with our first ultrasound picture in the back.   The inside said "Happy Easter and Merry Christmas!"

PC's parents got teary and told us they were very happy for us.  BIL gave me a hug and our nieces were wide eyed and had the "really/are you serious" reaction.  It was sweet.  There were some aunts, uncles and cousins there and everyone was genuinely excited for us. 


Today, on Easter, was the day to tell my mom.  I am an only child.  I was raised by a single mom.  Those who know her, love her.  She is the life of the party and you just don't mess with her friends or family.  I think most of her lively spirit skipped me.  The last concert I went to was Ray Stevens (another story for another time) and the last one my mom went to was Kid Rock.  Case in point.  She is a breast cancer survivor and lives life to the fullest.  All that said, I am her baby and she has never been shy about making it known that she wants a grandbaby!  Even before PC and I were married, she started talking about "when I have grandbabies" this and that.  After two or three years had passed I made it known that it might not be in our future.  She started blaming herself for my infertility... something about taking medicine for nausea while she was pregnant with me.  I told her it was not her fault that I had lazy ovaries!  Most of the baby talk subsided... until today... we were all at my grandparents house and had just surprised them with a get away trip for their birthday.  I took a card over to my mom and told her "Happy Easter" and she said "awww...thanks." I gave her the same card that we gave PC's parents and my mom was a little slow, lol.  She said "why does this say Merry Christmas?" I had drawn an arrow to the next page and told her to keep looking.  She stared, put her head closer to the card like she needed to see it real close, then started bawling out loud.  I mean loud, happy sobs.  PC caught the whole thing on his cell phone.  It was so cute... she was sitting on the loveseat and her legs started pumping up and down during the sobs.  Everyone was like, "what did you write in that card?"  She showed the card to my aunt, then she started crying, then my granny... then the hugs.  My cousin had brought a friend with him to dinner today who none of us really knew and my mom went up to him and said "I'm gonna be a grandma."  So funny.  It was very, very special.  She told me I would never have to buy a single diaper.  PC was like "oh yeah!"  I don't know that my mom would want her pic out on blogland but here is one of many with her mouth open in an "omg" way.  I gave her the Grandmother Willow Tree Angel in the gift bag. 

It felt good.  Contagious, optimistic joy that PC and I needed a good dose of.  We told both families that we only want to share the news with family right now and we would appreciate their prayers.  We told them it's early and the next couple of weeks will be especially important.

Here is my short and simple Easter prayer and if anyone is reading this and feels led, please just tell God you second my prayer:]

Dear God- Thank you for this Easter Sunday and the promise of new life.  Thank you for this little miracle baby who is so loved already.  Please let his or her heart keep beating strong.  Please let him or her keep growing safely within me.  Amen.   

For those reading who are still in the trenches of infertility and waiting on a BFP, I want you all to have a day like this.  I can't wait to celebrate with you!  

Ultrasound Update 6w2d

Skipping the details first since this is what inquiring minds want to know:]


One precious little heartbeat at 108 bpm and an over achiever measuring one day ahead at 6w3days!  Everything is where it should be and I'll try to scan the picture soon!  Good Friday=Great!  

The little details-
We waited about thirty minutes before the appointment and there were two couples with around three year old boys in the waiting room.  You know they were most likely the results of modern medicine and it was nice to get that hope stirred up before the scan.  When they called us back, I was so disappointed because it was my least favorite ultrasound tech.  She's always in a hurry, can be hateful and just always has a debbie downer presence about her.  So, as soon as she left for me to change I shared my thoughts about her with PC and this was his comment as we were leaving the room "How can someone give you such happy news but you leaving feeling sad?"  She worked her "magic" on him as well.  Anyway, she told us "I know you'll have questions but let me do my work first and then I'll turn the screen around and let you know what you're seeing."  At least she didn't keep us waiting too long and she said "I see one embryo with a heartbeat."  She takes some pictures and then turns the screen and asks if we've been pregnant before to which I answer no.  Then she points out the amniotic sac, the yolk sac where the baby is getting it's nutrition, the embryo and the heartbeat.  She told me that the heartbeat is within normal range but they would like to see it higher at the next scan in 10 days.  If that's good, they will release me to my OB.  I asked her if we can have a picture and she said she would lay one on my file.  I tell her that we've been waiting to tell our parents and here's how she wraps it up, "Yeah, I would wait until the next ultrasound... the next few days are the most tricky.  But then again, that's your choice.  You can get dressed and take this up to the front."  See what prompted PC's comment?  Good grief. 
We took our papers to the front desk and the lady took it and said "what a big baby you have!"  Yay for someone smiling for us.  We made our next appointment and were on our way.  We didn't talk much on the way home.  We are thrilled and those are all things I wanted to hear today, don't get me wrong!  We're more thinkers than talkers and that was just our way of processing the news.  We're both okay knowing it's one growing in there!  On some level I'm sad that one didn't "stick" but God knows what is best for us.  We went to the grocery store then came home and slept for a couple of hours.  We're both drained from this ongoing roller coaster ride but we can rest easier that we've made it through another hurdle!

All in all, it was a Great Friday and we have lots to look forward to this weekend.  We are telling our parents regardless of the warning from debbie downer today... they are the people closest to us we need their support right now!  Thanks for all the positive wishes yesterday! 

Let Good Friday be Great!

Well, it's the night before the big ultrasound #1 tomorrow morning. I am beyond nervous.  Please, please, please let tomorrow be confirmation that everything is as it should be!  During this 2WW, I bought about ten dollar store HPTs and I have P'dOAS at least every other day just for some kind of reassurance.  The dollar store tests have not let me down as far as two lines but the test line has not been as dark or darker than the control line.  After using so many OPK's, I can't get past that two lines means pregnant regardless of which line is darker.  My sore bbs are really the only consistent 'sign' that anything is different right now, but even that's only noticeable when I hug PC or lay a certain way.  If I'm hungry, I'm h-u-n-g-r-y and everything tastes better with salt, but that's not much different either.  No nausea or at least nothing close to running to the bathroom.  Just a bit more fatigue than normal.  No glow... where's the glow!?!  I've also figured out that blog reading does not always help with working on the worries.  There are a lot of IF sisters who, after months or years of TTC, get a BFP only to experience heartbreaking losses.  I'm not immune, and I can't help but to be so scared of the unknown. 

Here are my happy thoughts right now... if we do get a good report... we're going to tell our parents since we'll see them both over the holiday weekend.  Moments I've only been able to dream about. 

Please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow for a Good Friday that turns out to be Great!!!

IVF FYI... part 2

One more post about things I learned from others to get through IVF#1 as related to PIO shots.  I have been reading blogs but I am behind on comments this week and hope to spend the rest of the week before our first ultrasound (deep breaths...positive thoughts...) catching up. 

PIO shots

This is the routine that worked for us.  (Prior to any of this- at Egg Retrieval- the nurse drew some helpful "x marks the spot" places on my backside.)

• Put an ice pack on my backside for about 5 minutes.  (Some people say not to do this because the ice will hinder the oil from spreading, but that hasn't been a problem so far.)

• PC holds the PIO bottle to get it warm while my backside is chilling.  Some bloggers suggested putting it in your bra works just as well.  (However, we chose 8:30 each night and I am usually in pj's and sans the bra by that time!)

• Put my "toasty toes" in the microwave for 3 minutes.  This thing has been a lifesaver!  A lady where I work makes them... it's filled with corn and stays toasty for more than an hour!

• Wipe the PIO vial w/ an alcohol swab.  

• Fill syringe with 1mL of air, draw up the PIO, change the needle to a 25g 1 inch.  

• Lay the filled syringe under my "toasty toes" for 15-20 seconds, not long- barely warm.  NOTE:  Made a big mistake here... PC and I were talking and I left it under there too long.  I got it too hot and it was more painful than any other injection... I burned my inner butt, ugh.  

Then I hand it over to PC.  The SAME conversation (not that anyone needs this info. but it throughly documents the experience), give and take a few words, takes place:
PC- Relax your hips
Mac- I am... go
PC- Waiting on alcohol to dry
Mac- It will be ok
PC- I'm going right here in 3, 2, 1... stick... all clear... 1/2 way...3/4...done
Mac- Good job, thanks babe

I also asked him if he checked for blood the first few times until he started getting mad at me for asking every time.  I figured it's not a good time to have him mad at me! 

• PC holds the beveled edge up and does a dart-like action.  It's really not that bad of a stick.  The only time it's hurt is when I overheated the oil and a couple of times he pushed a little too hard trying to get the oil out.   

• Afterwards, I put a piece of gauze on the area and walk/massage for 2-3 minutes.  

• Last, I sit on the corn bag to warm the area for about 20 minutes.  

Sometimes I'm sore the next day, sometimes I'm not.  I think it may have to do with how much I relax my hips but when I try to focus on relaxing my hips, it makes it worse.  We've done these for going on five weeks now and they're a literal pain in the a$$ but if they are creating the best environment for this little one, I will gladly grin and bear it!
  

IVF FYI... part 1

I'm putting together some different posts about things I learned, and keep learning, (mostly related to meds) through the IVF process in case something might help someone else.  We're so very fortunate that we got our BFP from IVF#1... I've read blogs of women who have gone through the process two, three and four times and I'm in complete amazement; they are much stronger than me.  I am not posting any of this because I think it's the "right way"... instead, maybe someone can learn from my trial and error!  In fact, I am an example of what not to do because clearly I flipped out with my first injection!  These are just tips and tricks that helped me and most of it came from advice from other blog readers, web surfing, and (as mentioned) trial and error.  Besides, I'm also in the 2WW until my first u/s and need something to distract me and blog about while I pass the time.  And I like bulleted lists:]


Appointments

• I kept a bag ready just for all those appointments with a calendar/notepad, usually some reading material, bottle of water, pen/pencil, germ-x, panty liners, cash for the parking fee, pair of socks (in case I was wearing sandals... I'm a socks in the stirrups girl) mints and random other things I considered appointment essentials.  I dropped my wallet and phone in there each time and this became my purse on those days.       

• During the time of frequent visits, I had to do the injections at the clinic since it's a long drive for us.  I would just pack my meds/needles the night before and found it helpful to drop the Lupron down in an old pill bottle and put a cotton ball over it.  I was always worried about a spill or something breaking.    

Meds

• One of the most helpful things for us was setting everything up in one room on a table.  (AKA- the wannabe nursery room.)  The bathroom is right beside it so we could wash our hands and then all "supplies" were within reach.  I even put my prenatal vitamins on the table so I wouldn't forget them.  

• I didn't realize until the second or third night of injections that the little see through part in the lid of the vials was the "trick" to getting all of the liquid out.  You can pull back while pulling the needle down and see what you're doing to suction it all out.  Didn't leave any in the vial after figuring that out... probably something I should have learned at injection training!  

• When they extended my meds by one day, those vials came with Q-caps.  Oh, how those made life easy.  If you have the option, they save time!

• Some people are lucky that the stims do not burn.  I blamed the burning on Menopur but when I stopped using it, turns out the Bravelle was the culprit the whole time!  Anyway, what helped me with the burning was pinching myself a little.  I watched a few youtube clips of women doing the injections and one girl talked about how she focused on the pinch and that got her focus off the stinging and she was right!  Somehow it made it easier to tolerate thinking I was causing the sting rather than the medicine.  Mind over matter? 

• I kept getting confused about when to change the estradiol patches so I started writing the date on them.  Problem solved!

• This was probably a crazy OCD-type thing to do, but I always wanted to do the Lupron injection on one side and the stims on the opposite side and then rotate.  It made me feel like I was balancing out the meds, not because someone told me to.  So I would write an L on the small round bandages I used to stand for 'Lupron' and kept up with rotating the injections that way.   

What I need a tip/trick for... how in the world to get off the sticky stuff from the estrogen patches!!!  I've tried soap, baby oil, scraping it... I promise that I DO bathe but that stuff doesn't come off!!! 

 

Part 2... PIO shots and side effects

And the winner Is...

Now what are the odds of this?

Commenter #16 belongs to the person who inspired me to do a giveaway because I won her first giveaway, cool!  Congrats to Carlia at The Stork Drop Zone for winning the clips and notepads!  Thanks to everyone who participated and I already have an idea for the next giveaway so please join in again!

No worries in the works

This is my mental ring tone here lately...
 
Worry...
Worry, worry, worry, worry
Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone

I had a whole post written about constant worries that consume my thoughts.  PC read it before I published it and told me that it would not be support or encouragement to my blog readers and y'all deserve better.  I'll say it one time a year, he's right.  Bottom line, I'm just having a hard time putting the worries aside.  I'm letting infertility hold my mind and heart hostage and I'm the only one that can change that. 

One or both of these three day old miracles believed in me and now it's my turn to believe in them!

Blog Give Away!

A few weeks ago, I was the recipient of a blog give away from sweet Carlia at The Stork Drop Zone.   I was so excited, I never win anything!  Carlia is always coming up with ideas to bring the IF community closer together, her posts are honest and helpful, and one day I'm going to ask her how to create buttons because she does an awesome job with that!  I'm pretty sure she's headed toward her first IVF cycle and I really hope it brings her a BFP!  I had every intention of sending a big "thank you" her way but it got delayed a little because I was in the middle of the IVF madness and it took me a few days before I could do the online shopping (which provided some stress relief btw) and use the $15 code at the CSNstores website.  Anyways...  since it was IF/blog related... I purchased a sweet little interactive baby book.  My thinking was, if this IVF brings a BFP, I've just purchased the first item for a little Mac and/or PC:]  We are major bookworms, so it's very fitting!  If it didn't bring a BFP, it was going to be a gift for the next baby shower, and believe me, there's usually one around every corner.  But I sure wanted that little book.  Anyway, it came the day before my beta and I left it on the porch until I got the news.  I know.  That's extreme, but some of you share my jinx feelings!  Later in the evening after I got the BFP call, I brought in that little gift-to-self-via-blog-give-away and it was a sweet moment to know that (hopefully) this little book is staying right here!  So, thank you very much Carlia!  

The blogosphere has been a great support system and I want to join in and give back as well.  Up for give away is a cute little set of notepads and binder clips in the new Vera Bradley pattern, Lemon Parfait.  This pattern reminds me of spring and new beginnings... and someone may be able to put these to use in organizing for treatments or (better yet) OB appointments and such.  It's not much, but I'm so excited to have the chance to give this to someone.  I like to do things really simple.  If this is something you would like to have a chance to win, please leave a comment that lets me know you want to be included in the drawing.  Then, this Thursday, I'll either figure out how to do one of those random number drawing things on the Internet, or, I'll do it the old fashioned way and put your blog names on a little slip of paper and have PC draw a name:]  Keeping it simple... Good Luck!

Beta #2

Another good phone call today.  Beta #2 was 519.  I thought maybe it should have doubled on Friday and again today but the IVF nurse said the RE's were very happy with these results.  I have no reason not to trust their expertise thus far so I will (try) not to worry!  My RE only does two beta counts.  So, here I am again in another 2WW until the first ultrasound, aarrrggghhhh!  It's scheduled for Monday, April 25th.  I know enough from reading blogs and Internet searching that betas cannot determine singleton or twin pregnancies but (in the meantime) it's fun to wonder!  Anyone want to make a prediction? 

P.S.  Please check back tomorrow because I plan to show you something special I won on a blog giveaway and invite you to participate in one of my own!

Thanks once again for all of the encouragement here!  You all are THE BEST!  

Day after Beta #1

I appreciate each and every sweet comment from yesterday's news!  I plan on making the blog rounds this morning and I can't wait!  It was all I could do to type the short post because it was such an emotionally draining day.  Here's what went down, although you all already know the best part!

Sorry for all the details below but I want to document the special day here. 

On Wednesday afternoon, I sent the e-mail below to Nurse LLD and this was her response.  Love her!

Hi

Will call you ASAP after getting the results.  Lets think positive!

-----Original Message-----

Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2011 3:17 PM

Subject: tomorrow

If I don't see you in the morning, I'm having blood drawn for our beta at 7:30 a.m.  Will you please give me a call as soon as you get the labs?  I'm just about on the brink of going crazy through this wait! :]  However it turns out, thanks so much for all of your help the past several weeks. 

We left around 5:45 a.m. and I had my blood drawn by 7:35.  The lady that draws my blood asked if I did an HPT and I told her I just couldn't do it.  She said she thought that was good to wait but I was only the second one she had tested all week who didn't POAS.  I started questioning my decision, but it was too late at that point.  The "call" was going to be my answer.

We stopped by Chic-fil-a, which has become our "tradition" on early RE days and then I ran in Target to get some more vitamin water (yum, by the way!).  We were home by 10:30 a.m., PC left for work (I've had a few days off this week for spring break, woo hoo), and I fell asleep in the recliner until he came back by the house around 12:00.  Still no call.  I ate lunch,  started googling everything related to 12dp3dt and the phone rang a little after 1:00.  My heart was about to come out of my chest to see "Nurse LLD" on the screen even though it's the call I had been waiting on all day.

Me:  Hello
Nurse LLD:  Hi... M?
Me:  How are you?
Nurse LLD:  Good, and you?
Me:  Just waiting on your call.
Nurse LLD:  Well, are you ready for some good news?
Me:  (Getting so excited) I would love some good news!
Nurse LLD:  Well, you are pregnant.
Me:  Yay, Yay, Yay... I can't believe it!  What was my beta?
Nurse LLD:  It was 249.
Me:  That's a good number, right?
Nurse LLD:  Yes, that's good.
(We work out the details for coming back on Saturday for Beta #2)
Me:  Thank you so much!
Nurse LLD:  Congratulations!

I'm one of those people who saves all of my emotions somewhere inside and puts on a strong face until it gets to the point where those emotions just can't be contained... when I hung up the phone, I started crying almost 6 years worth of built up emotions!

So, I called PC but it was really hard to get the words out with the monsoon of tears and it sounded something like this:
Me:  H-e-y, I--I    j--j--u--s--t    g-g-o-t    t--h--e    c--c--a--l--l. 
PC:  It was negative.  It didn't work. 
Me:  No, I'm sorry, I can't stop crying.  It was good news.  We're pregnant.
PC:  (Silence)  Really? 
Me:  Oh, hold on Nurse LLD is calling me back. (Poor PC)

I thought, omg, she gave me the wrong information!  That's how guarded I am... but she forgot to remind me to continue the estrogen patches and PIO.... whew.

I go back to PC and tell him everything is good and hurry home!  Then, you can guess what I did next!  I P'dOAS and was still nervous that it wouldn't confirm what I had just been told.  It was a CVS brand test that clicked into place with a little window that, within a few minutes, said "Pregnant."  First ever BFP on an HPT!  I think I'm going to have to go buy more today and POAS all weekend!  :]

I somehow whipped out the blog post, took a shower, got the tears under control enough to go get my estrogen patches refilled and came back home minutes before PC.  We hugged and I asked if he was excited and he said he was dizzy:]  Well, I was hungry!  We went out to eat and we got to have conversations that we've never had... it was is a strange feeling!  Things like "I think this is my child with all the sour & salty I've been wanting to eat but I think this is your child because I sure am gassy all of a sudden."  And, after he told me it was too much trouble to bring a mattress into the living room, I said "I think the rules are you are supposed to be nicer to me than you have ever been right now!"  (I didn't say they were sweet conversations!) 

You all are the only ones who know our special news.  We told a few IRL people that we got a good report and things are going well.  Unless one of them has come across this blog, they really do not know how good the report was.  Believe me, if we get another good number on Saturday and we get a good report at the first ultrasound, it won't be long until we're shouting it to the world.  (But not on FB or "in your face" kind of way... IF has given me much time to think about what I would and would not do.)  The fact that it took modern medicine + prayers to get us here will never be a secret.  I have too many sisters here and IRL who need to hear that miracles can happen.  I realize that I'm not holding a baby in my arms right now and that would be the ultimate miracle, but a BFP after 5 years and 9 months of TTC, it feels pretty darn close to a miracle to me.    

I always talk about the hurdles and I realize there are some more big ones to get through in the coming weeks, but I want to enjoy living in the moment right now.  Thanks for allowing me to share it.