Final blog post Finally

I have been avoiding a final post on this blog for days, weeks, months nearly a year!  Some things are hard to let go. I've become a former blog-friend-turned-stalker-occasional commenter:[  I just was not as dedicated here as a mom as I was an infertile.  Now I'm just an infertile mom trying to keep up and not feel like I'm always trying to keep up!  I may end up somewhere else in blog land but just not quite sure where yet.  After all, I'm still writing this story day by day:]

I must say I'm 'unsettled' right now, but that's not to be confused with unhappy.  I don't remember feeling this way- this strongly- before.  I think it means that there will be changes ahead when the time and opportunity presents itself and I just need to be open to it.  Some people can live that way and it works well for them, but that's usually not my style.  I have a predictable routine, career goals, habits etc. so for me to be open (and eager) for change is huge.  I am sure that I want more and that does not mean more in the form of material things.  I want more balance and quality time with everything from family and friends to quiet moments with a glass of sweet tea on the back porch. With those thoughts, I still have much responsibility (and let's not forget the mortgage).  All this rambling to say I'm not quite sure what's ahead but I'm trying to get things in order to be ready!

This time in our lives is amazing, stressful and everything in between.  Wow, you could have never told me how much life would change.  I really had that thought when PC and I broke out into singing and dancing in the car to "E.lmo's got five crayons in the box, Yeah, that's what he's got..." which is at least a catchy tune out of the two year old selections.  I also have to give credit to PC for his spot on impersonation of the E.ric C.arle cat and girl looking at each other while papa retrieves the moon. (Some of you will know exactly what I'm referring to!)  I got an SOS text one night from PC titled "turd in the tub!" Repeat- never-ever could I have imagined how life would change!

I had ideas about how we would be as parents but then you have this little person who comes fully complete with ideas of their own.  We have never laughed so much as we are experiencing the world as perceived by a toddler.  We have never been so stressed out by a toddler whose EPIC meltdowns during a simple haircut have left us little choice but to trim and gap up his hair while he sleeps (no joke) to put it off as long as possible!  Ideas about how we would smoothly transition from milk in a bottle to a sippy cup at one year, which didn't happen, so I put it off another year.  We took the bottle and paci at 24 months and- since then- we have tried every kind of milk imaginable-warm, cold, whole, almond, coconut, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, cookies-n-cream, Nido, Yahoo's, Pediasure- in every kind of cup- with no luck.  He seems okay without it so far but gah it still stresses me out to know he has not had milk for almost a year.  (The pediatrician recommended calcium supplements and getting it in his foods however we can.)  We quit fighting the 1/3 of a restless night in his bedroom routine months ago and wedged a trundle bed against ours- he still does not sleep through the night but it's a lot better than multiple wakes. This picture (and he is very much asleep in it) totally makes me want to laugh, cry and shout "never say never (i.e. our kid will sleep all night in his bed)" all at once!  Welcome to our bedroom... trucks, E.lmo, music & lights projector...  sounding romantic yet?  It's not ideal, but I must admit I lay down every night feeling abundantly Blessed sleeping between my two boys. This time shall pass.

It's questionable from the way every room in this house looks whether adults live here or not!  It is a puzzle piece-puffs in the floor-books- cars everywhere- wreck!  I'm sure we're judged by some for what we have or have not done as new parents (yep, I see those looks when someone mentions how many toys he has or finds out that he sleeps in our bed) but honestly, I don't care. (And to our defense, the toy situation is 99% grandma's fault!)  Anyways... what matters most to me is teaching him (or setting the example the best PC and I can) about character, a servant's heart and the value of hard work. We'll work on that through any means possible and a trip- or two- or three- to time out as needed. Telling this double dose of strong-willed kid "no" means that he tells you what he "thinks" of your no... which is usually pushing or hitting me (yep, not cool) so we sit in time out for a minute-or two- or three- until he can stop crying and can hug.  Then I talk through the behavior and tell him how I know he can be a good boy.  On occasion, I've popped his hand or leg but that does not work and it makes me more mad at myself than just going through the whole time out process.  It's exhausting but this time shall also pass (soon I hope!).  Update:  Since this post has been in the works for many months, this actually- knock, knock on wood- has been MUCH better the past 3-6 months and the time out chair is not getting near as much use:]

And a few times he has put himself in time out without a reason!

At his 27 month checkup (since he was sick at 24 months) the pediatrician came in and the first thing that she noticed was he had taken the band-aid off from having his finger pricked.  She said "you've got one that pulls the band aid off... uh oh" and she gave us some advice about handling the child who has a need to control and strong will.  We told her about how his brain works- going nonstop and obsessed with learning facts-making connections- and she said more than likely his learning and emotions are on two different age levels.  Academically, he loves to be challenged.  Emotionally, he is very much a strong willed toddler.  My two biggest concerns to discuss with the pedi at that visit were behavior and eating habits.  He was 3% on the charts for weight (25 lbs) and 43% for height at that checkup.  I promise I feed the child, but lots of new things we try go in and proceed to come right back out.  If it were not for (sad to say because this is sometimes breakfast, lunch AND dinner) chicken nuggets, cereal bars, tater tots and crackers, I don't know what we would do or what he would eat!    

TTC#2... made you look if you're still reading:]  No, that chapter of our lives is still closed.  My last visit to the ob/gyn, Dr. B6 asked if we wanted to try Femara or Clomid (which we did years ago early in the TTC ride).  My response was that if I somehow knew there were any quality eggs left, I might try Femara but if I knew there was little chance, we were not willing to go on the infertility treatments roller coaster again, emotionally, physically or financially.  He told me we should check my AMH levels for an indicator of ovarian reserve... another blood test to add to my resume!  Those results confirmed what I already knew.  My IVF story had a happy ending, but it's also a closed one with no embryos to freeze and me being just a couple of years away from the big 4-0.  Do I have moments of sadness? Twinges of jealousy creep back up when it's just "that easy" for others?  You bet.  But overwhelming joy and gratefulness for my one? Every minute of every day.  IF pulls the heart in different directions.

The pic that still takes my breath.

Based on the most amazing two 1/2 years with our sweet miracle, I predict that we have a quick learner with a strong, stubborn will to accomplish what he sets his mind to do.  We have an explorer who loves anything and everything that involves being outdoors.  I predict that he will also appreciate the arts, especially music.  The strong will and determination will make for some tough life lessons that will seem like the world is coming apart, but it's my hope those life lessons will shape his character for the better and create a leader with passion for doing what is right. 

There are a few things about this wonderfully challenging age of 2 that PC and I want to keep forever frozen in our memories and hearts.  These things help us to get through the meltdown times!  Things like saying to us (multiple times a day) Hi Mommy/Daddy and saying it so dramatically that it's like each word has multiple syllables... Hiiiiii Mooommmmmmyyy.  Your love of counting and numbers leads to multiple conversations and smiles and we love to especially hear you say sick (six) seden (seven) sebateen (seventeen)!  When you sing your abc's, the ending is "now I know my A, B... B's" You point out shapes--everywhere!  I think I have all of these sweet things recorded on different devices but I have to be strategic and catch you at just the right time or you totally turn off whatever you're doing because you know what we're up to and, as previously mentioned, you prefer things to be done on your terms. Video of the counting is dark because we were sitting outside one night and you really didn't know what I was up to!  :]

I went to a funeral recently for my granny's brother.  I looked around and it-just-hit.  When I was growing up, my mom was working and I would go with my granny to visit her brothers and sisters. All of her siblings' grandkids were around for me to play with.  Now, there are only 3 out of those 7 siblings still alive. And most of those grandkids have kids of their own. My mom is now the granny and keeps my kid while I work.  So what's my point?  It's just happened so stinkin fast!  It hits me more and more how fast it is.  Every time I visit my granny and I'm describing the chaos of life with a toddler she never fails to remind me that these are the best days of my life and to enjoy them. I'm trying to hang on to these thoughts when life seems too busy and too tiring.  Truly, it's a blessing to see a new day and these really are the best days of my life.  Thanks for letting me share some of the best ones right here.

Goodbye from Mac and PC...

 and LB makes 3 and this very special corner of the world.

Make it count!