(Un) Happy Birthday

Although it would be fitting to do a final blog post on LB's two year old birthday today, there was no birthday celebrating because the poor kid has the flu.  The presents are still wrapped, the cake in the freezer, the Birthday Boy shirt hanging in the closet... so sad!  Instead, we're rotating fever meds and just trying to keep him hydrated:[  

Even though the party plans are being postponed, this is still a day that I will always celebrate.

The day we looked at this sweet face and it was oh so worth the wait!

To one year ago when we could not have imagined how much life was about to change with a baby turned toddler.  

  

To today...

Our hearts are so full and we love you beyond measure!  

Happy Birthday LB! 

3/4 Life as we know it & pics

Most of 2013 has felt like a blur, but especially from May until now.  In June, I accepted two job offers (one online) and since then it has been a juggling act to try and get the best of two worlds- work and home.  The rest of this year and next is definitely going to be a challenge but it's what we need to do now in order to have more options later.

Our little boy, this next to last post is all about you as we quickly approach your 2nd birthday.  The time is passing by way too fast. I'm going to do a very educator-ish thing and use an acronym with your real name or otherwise this post would go on and on.  This is just a snapshot of what you are like as a 21 month old.  I cannot even begin to describe everything in detail because every day is different and you are learning something new all the time.  

Happiness is found in car rides, cartoons/Net.flix, favorite iPad or iPhone apps (we have to watch the time and dread taking it away), L.ittle P.eople cars and trucks, matchbox cars, the dogs (or any dogs), outdoors, bike rides, swimming, baths, books that slide or have pictures of interest, music, dancing, coloring, playing chase, spinning around, letters (see below), numbers, hugs (dad and I cannot hug without you pulling on our legs and joining in- so adorable), camping, balls, climbing steps, swinging, and just about anything that requires movement.  We have a boy who is constantly on the go!  The dancing is adorable with a walk, walk, squat, walk, walk, squat, head shake!

Anger, frustration, and/or cries happen during diaper changes (which you did not mind at all the first year of your life), going from outside to inside if you're not ready, people yelling (like across a room, not necessarily arguing), heading to the playroom and turning around to grab a diaper/sippy/etc., taking something away (namely the iPad), a few trips and falls, telling you no, and trying to get you to eat more to name a few.  This is a difficult time because you know what you want and just don't have the words to express yourself quite yet.  Out of all of these, telling you no hurts your feelings the most.  It hurts your feelings- however- then you do something to "get the last say" in.  For example, if you throw a piece of food in the floor and we say "no" you whine and are sad, but then when you settle, you'll slowly do it again with a napkin or object other than the food and watch to see our reactions.  Boy, oh, boy.  I'm ready for more language so we can discuss these behaviors!


Meals are a hit or miss.  I wish you ate more and more variety but can't force you.  Breakfast favorites are any combinations of yogurt, muffins, cereal, oatmeal and juice.  Lunch/dinner is usually either chicken or fish with green beans or french fries (you l-o-v-e french fries) and prunes.  Snacks are puffs, fruit squeeze pouches, yogurt bites, goldfish or other crackers.  You love tortilla chips but get a little choked on them and it freaks us out everytime.  We've tried about every fruit and lots of veggies but to no avail.  You take two bottles each day.  I gave up trying to transition to milk in a sippy cup, it just never happened.  It wasn't worth a fight to me since you need milk, so we have one bottle mid-day and one before bedtime.  PC and I have decided... no choice at 24 months... the bottle will go and it's either sippy cup or getting dairy from wherever else we can.  Your favorite place to eat is C.hick Fi.l A.  

Personality- you love people even if you are a little standoff-ish at first.  You love exploring everything and everywhere- touching new things, copying us and other kids.  You have started making silly faces and cutting your eyes. You point to and say eyes, nose, ears (which you grab & wiggle), mouth, hair, toes and bellybuttons.  I have had to watch you with this because you went up to a rather chubby kid in the chick.fil a play area and pulled up his shirt to find his bellybutton before I could grab you.  I apologized and told him "he's learning how to say tummy."  Ha, ha.  Your energy level is hard on your older IVF parents! :]  Dad and I have to take turns keeping up with you everywhere we go.  Accident prone... your head and legs usually have a scratch and/or bruise although you are never more than a few feet from us- you stumble and trip when there's nothing there to stumble and trip over!  Just yesterday, you ran so fast over a hard plastic vent cover that it broke and your leg fell through, getting scratched in several places.  Sigh.  At least you seem to recover quickly and luckily (knock on wood) there hasn't been anything more serious than scratches and bruises!       

Talking-  words and phrases are:  look, on lights, oh wow, uh oh (when anything drops), bir (bird) ood Gob (good job), d or dada, pish (fish), ruck (truck), hey, hi, moo (to what does the cow say), eat, ky (sky), clouds, flow (flower) and one of my favorites... ah moon (this one is very clear and you look up to the sky every time), two, four, five, seven, eight, nine, TEN (you say it louder and clap), eat, plane, buttafly, shoe, side (outside), orange, puh-ple, bye, yay, oh no, boat and (thanks to PC) coke.  You are jabbering all the time now and the grandparents predict that we're just a few weeks away from really grasping onto language.  You're adding new words it seems like each day but something I feel that holds you back from talking more is that you are... 

Obsessed with:  letters!  What started out as cute has gone a little crazy!  You know all letters and their sounds and say them perfectly with the exception of r (er) and w (dubba).  You shout out letters before you go to sleep, when you wake from nap, when you wake in the morning, off of the t.v., off of street and store signs, on people's shirts... everywhere!  I think you like to see people's expressions, which is fun when they laugh or encourage you, but my worry is that it consumes so much of your thoughts and focus that you really are not that interested in words... not even mama:[  You said mama several times when you were first putting together sounds but I have not heard it in months and am hoping I don't have to wait much longer!  Everyone who knows this about you is always whipping out a piece of paper and quizzing you... again, I think you like the challenge but we're ready to take a break from the love of letters:]        

Not a baby anymore:[  We started Mother's Morning Out over the summer to get used to the teachers and kids for the fall.  You are the youngest and walk right in there like such a big boy and it is just strange to see you sitting at the table beside the 3 & 4 year olds, so big!  You pull away from our hands and get a couple of feet in front of us whenever you can.  You have a very strong-willed independent spirit!  You are long and lean, just moving into 18 month clothes.  You have used the potty for poopy purposes since you were six months old.  Using it all the time for all potty business is a work in progress.    

I realized I left out sleep.  Probably because of the lack of it still!  In all 21 months, you have slept through the night (meaning sleeping in your crib and waking at 5:30 a.m.) all of ONE time.  Two things I find hard to believe. 1- that people get pregnant naturally and 2- that there are babies/toddlers/kids who really do sleep through the night.  Anyways, neither of these have happened at our house but I know through friends and blogs that they really do:]  Dad snapped this picture when you got halfway out of your crib one night and decided to get a few more zzzz's.

 In addition to the things listed above, you are just fun and it's amazing to watch you take on the world.  So in love and lucky to be your parents. 

2 of 4- More than a Blog

These last three are long, bear with me!

After we had been TTC for about a year, the massive Internet search began.  I have google'd the word infertility and terms associated with it more than anything.  I visited a chatboard for C.lomid success stories... anovulation success... or whatever the treatment/diagnosis at the time happened to be.  Somewhere along the way, this led me to blogs of women with similar situations.  After reading/stalking them for months, I wrote that first post and found out that one of the best forms of therapy was actually FREE (so rare in the world of IF).

Similar to relationships IRL, there have been connections here that were stronger at one point and changed over time.  I found myself in the midst of blogs where many were pursuing IUI's and IVF while I was still considering all options.  Many of them had success either through treatment (yay) or pursuing adoption (yay) but that led me to keep drifting to circles similar to my situation (baby-less!).  I saw A LOT of BFP's over that time (yay, yay) but at one point I had to take a hiatus from blogging because I was actually losing hope.

After two failed IUI's, I decided to go forward with IVF.  During this time, I found a very close knit community, and have pretty much stayed close to this group ever since.  Then after LB was here and I was holding my very own baby, I made some connections with other moms and moms-to-be.  I am grateful for every single connection.  I am grateful for a place where I could experience every emotion imaginable with people who get it. 

This blog has been much more than a shared journey.  It has been a place to cry happy and sad tears, to encourage and be encouraged, to give and gain support, to learn and to share, to virtually hold another's hand who is trying so hard to achieve the same goal.

I will inadvertently leave someone out and (repeat) am grateful for every connection, but just can't leave without telling some special bloggers, some of whom I'm still connected with and some of whom that I have lost touch with, what they mean to me.

In the beginning...
Trials and Tribulations of Trace and Heather- Tracy adopted a sweet bundle of energy after IVF posed a health risk.  Heather gave birth to twin boys through IVF.  These are two of the first ladies that I connected with years ago.  I was so excited to see those first comments and to know someone was interested in my story as well.  Although there was a time we lost touch, Heather still stops in from time to time and it meant a lot that she cheered me on long after she had her beautiful boys.

Close to home...
Although I did not meet these ladies IRL, I found support of some ladies living in the same state who were ahead of me and used fertility clinics that I was researching at the time.  Dana had a precious boy and created a new family blog and Sarah, another IVF success, used the clinic that we chose so it was nice to share stories and information with both of them.

Through participating in ICLW at the start of my IVF cycle, I met many amazing ladies.  I met some who were at the same place as me and some who were not far behind, which resulted in some great virtual friendships.
Babyhopes- where are you my friend?  We had such similar history and I cried with her when she did not get a BFP from her first IVF.  Then she became one of those girls we talk bad about (totally just kidding) and got a natural BFP while pursuing adoption at the same time.  Amazing story and lady, I have always been a big fan.
Josey- we would totally have a beer if I were a beer drinker (more of a wine girl) and talk toddler and I have no doubt it would be as if we had been longtime friends.  Josey was just a couple of days ahead of me with Ms. Stella and I'll never forget her commenting when LB was here and saying "master the latch!"  lol.  She is a strong voice and heart in the world of IF and I will be lurking for sure to welcome baby #2!  (Also, we cannot totally lose contact because our kids are going to meet and fall in love 20 30 years down the road, I just know it.)
Bridget and Fiona- These two ladies are just sweet, genuine, honest and faithful commenters..  They are there for you and I wish them all the best as Bridget has taken on the world of 2 under 2 and Fiona is pursing #2.
Stephanie and Kelly- Inspiring moms and writers who let us in on the good, the bad and the ugly (much appreciated).  If you have never read Kelly's poop-its-everywhere- post or Stephanie's wardrobe malfunction post, get ready for a good laugh.  By the way Steph, I have not heard once from you that you have been pee'd on?!?
Annie and Courtney- Two moms to little boys I have connected with who give some great advice and thanks to them I have found a new love for B.elvita and A.veda products:]  Blogs have also been a great way to find some really cool products by the way.  Where else would I have found out about the snotsucker?

And many thanks to those in my blog roll, some who were close cycle sisters, who have also followed our journey and allowed me to be a part of yours!  I wish you all the best!  (Apologies for not making these active links... ran out of time as usual!)

Waiting and Wishing, Mrs. Lydon, 3B2B1Baby, amiracle4us, marilyn, EandR, Kerrik

myjourneythroughinfertility, Marion, Marianne, China Doll, Carlia, EBC, Jen, A, Sarah, Krista, Fullbed, kkasun, SRB

IRL- 
I have given this web address and permission to stalk me to L and S, two of my closest IRL-forever-friends.  They both have kids in elementary school and were sooooo sweet to relive my pregnancy ups and downs, the name game, the birth, and those first few precious weeks all over again with me.  I don't know who was more excited at times.  I love them both more than they will ever know.

A simple "thanks" here is not sufficient to describe what this piece of the world has meant to me.

I had some comments about connecting via Faceb.ook.  Ironically, we love technology but are still out of the FB loop!  Really, it has more to do with my job and not having to deal with the whole 'students as friends' issue.  I would like to keep the blog up for awhile and my name is connected to an email that I have forwarded to my daily email, so if anyone needs me for any reason, please find me!

Now, on to my next-to-last post about what is going on in our lives right now... can't wait to put an update here!  

Goodbye Blog World, Part 1/4

This summer I plan to do something that even PC will not believe when he reads it... say goodbye to this blog.  Before doing so, I have three important posts to do.  1- what this blog and the ladies I have met here have meant to me, 2- an update on what is going on in our lives right now, and 3- some thoughts about our family and goals we have that I would like to share here.  Between getting these posts complete, I will be making the blog rounds and saying goodbye to some special people-real people- who I have never met but still call friends. 

For anyone who is not connected to some area of the blog world, this may not mean much.  For me, I am closing a chapter that has been a very important part of my life for over FIVE years, starting with my first post called "Mac and PC Enter Blogworld" on 2/26/2008.  I wrote that post without anyone "listening" and it grew to become a place I love and cherish so much that you were the second, right after PC, to know that LB was on his way.  The cheers and tears for us at that moment through comments here made this much more than a place to write thoughts, it became a source of love and strength.    

I am sad but I know it's the right time.  Recently, a new door opened for us.  I got a new job.  A job that has been a dream of mine for years.  I have a precious toddler and I happen to be very fond of his dad:]  Another dream come true.  In giving my best to both worlds, I have to let some things go and the blog is one area that I feel will inevitably get lost in the mix.  In some ways, it already has and I feel bad about that... so I would rather close this part of our story as we live out the next.

I look forward to reflection and making sure I say everything I want/need to in these final posts... 

what a journey this has been.   

Pity Party

Still trying to survive May here!  Keeping up with blog peeps the best I can mostly with my iphone but it is really hard to comment so I have some catch up to do!  A lot of posts lately are about baby #2... whether that baby is here or about to be, or whether that baby has just been discovered or TTC plans are in the works. 

I have to admit something.  I've had a bit of a pity party lately.  PC and I both agree -strongly- on closing the door of infertility treatments and the physical, emotional and financial toll that comes along with it.  But it just sucks to think that those cards were dealt to me and, if I had a normal reproductive system, who knows... we also might also be talking about baby #2.   

Then I am quickly brought to the reality of going through an IVF that produced very few follicles and only two good eggs, one of which became a dream come true.  And I'm annoyed that I had a pity party in the first place.  I am so happy.  I am so in love with our LB and we are having a blast.  I am also just being honest and having to go through a kind of "letting go" phase.  Guess what?  Yep... infertility still sucks!!!  

Tired!

A hamster got loose in my car Monday morning.  I finally found it in the back seat crawling under a blanket, ugh.  I had to call 911 the same day because a pit bull came on campus and scared a visitor who grabbed it by its ears and was scared to let go while we waited on the police.  Yesterday I got pulled over (by the same police officer who helped with the dog situation) for speeding because I was running late to get a root canal appointment.  I told the officer I was sorry, I knew better and I was on my way to the dentist office and I could not decide which was worse- the dentist or a ticket.  At least he found some humor in that -or maybe felt sorry for me- and gave me a warning.  I am so tired!  It is only Wednesday?

Vanilla flavored gas that "takes the edge off."  Fyi, did not take enough edge off! 

In toddler times, we have a very active little boy who is making his likes and dislikes known loud and clear.  One of the cutest things going on right now is LB calling out a handful of letter names.  I have to give a shout out to the "person" responsible because unfortunately it's not me...thanks to Alpha.Pig!  We watch too much kid t.v. around here.  Guilty and I admit it.  But the show S.uper W.hy has this little boy excited about letters and it is so cute to hear him shout out "A", "Eeee", "Ohhh" and my favorite to hear... M "Eem!"  However, we do turn the t.v. off to get outdoors and stalk the dogs whenever we can.  :]

   

My boys, My world

Love these moments, these memories and the stories 

that a picture can tell.  

May I not take a single second for granted!   

Life Lately

I just can't seem to find time for blogging these days but I'll often think of random topics that I want to talk about... maybe in a few weeks when things slow down at work.  Instead I'll have to settle for a few highlights of life lately. 

LB has 17 out of 20 baby teeth... 85% done, yay!  Now I am just hoping we can hang onto them for awhile with the amount of trips and tumbles that take place through the day! 

I must start remembering to take more pictures.  After LB turned one, I just kind of quit and have missed some really good photo opportunities.  However, I did not miss this one of our little "cool dude."  If only he could reach those pedals lol.

Another reason it's hard to get pictures these days is because LB is going, going, going ALL the time.  I have a bunch of blurry pics!

PC and I have been trying to reconnect lately.  It's not that we have been arguing, it just feels like we've missed out on more than a year of really talking and listening to one another.  We both understand why but don't want it to become the "norm."  One thing that has helped is putting up a safety rail on our bed and moving LB to the side so we can get back to some snuggling!  (Anything more than that has to be a little more planned and strategic!)  Of course it would really help if LB stayed in his own bed longer than midnight but we also do much better as a couple when we get some sleep! 

I am going for a job interview later this week.  The odds are not in my favor due to many factors but I keep trying to tell myself it will be "good experience" and might lead to another opportunity.  I'm searching for something that is an increase in pay but know that will also mean more hours & workload.  Any step up in pay right now would help us to get in a better financial situation so that we might have other options when LB is a little older.  Job searching and interviews are so stressful, ugh!

Tantrums.  Have.  Arrived.  They are not every day and they don't last long but... take this kid inside when he wants to stay outside and you see him morph into a closed fists, red face, screaming/growling/crying mess!  So far these have only taken place at home but wow do I have more sympathy for the parents of the screamer in the grocery store now!

I'm really excited about easing LB into a Mother's Morning Out program through the summer and two days every week this fall.  More about that and the search for a sitter later.  Right now I'm struggling to hold my eyes open and have to take advantage of some good rest these few short hours that LB sleeps in his crib.  Thanks to anyone who kept reading through our life lately and hopefully I will get some time soon to comment on all the posts I've read recently. 

 

Yay for Strength and Spring!

We were discharged from the hospital Monday morning and LB has been gaining strength and getting better each day:]  He hasn't had milk in almost a week but we're going to slowly add that back into his diet since he has a really sensitive tummy with all of the antibiotics.  We're all trying to get caught up on sleep so I haven't even fought the nightly crib battle... we all pile into the bed and LB wakes up about once for his paci... good enough.  

We can speed up recovery around here with dog therapy!  Nothing makes this boy happier than getting the dogs to come up on the back porch and they talk about whatever dogs and little boys talk about!

I am so ready for warmer weather and today could not have come any sooner.  I am a summer-loving girl and Spring is just one step closer, yay!  We also have some special things coming up- our anniversary, camping, Spring Break, a one time house cleaning to name a few- yay!   Busy but Blessed times! 

In the hospital

We were oh so close to making it through winter with no sickness but when LB gets it, he goes all out:( Sinus, ear, 8 days of fever, virus, weight loss and dehydration has landed us a hospital stay for at least two nights.  No mama wants to see her baby get an IV but I must say I felt relief once that was done and I knew we were going to get around the clock care. I had entered panic mode. PC and grandmas and I did everything we knew to do the past week to help him and he just got worse.  So last night I slept in a hospital crib but I was beside one love of my life while the other camped out in a recliner beside us and I knew everything was going to be okay.  It has to be, this is my miracle baby.

Sick Baby & Spots on Ears... Freaking Out!

 A week ago, LB ran his first fever of 100-103 during the night and we took him to the pedi the next morning (Friday).  He said it was an ear infection in his right ear and gave us amoxicillin and told us to do ibuprofen for the fever. Over the weekend, we saw improvement but Monday afternoon and through the night the high fever was back despite the ibuprofen.  We went back to the pedi on Tuesday morning and they tested for flu.  Thankfully that was negative but they changed the antibiotic to a stronger one.  Tuesday night his nose became really runny to the point of having to sleep (as much as he could anyway) sitting up to manage it.  I called the dr again on Wednesday and they called in claritin for that.  Today, he did not run a fever until after lunch and he was a little more active but we still have a nasty runny nose (not clear today either).  His pee diapers are a little less in amount but still changing about the same number (drinking lots of water/juice but not as much milk) and his poops are watery but the dr told us that would probably happen because of the antibiotics. So, he made some improvements today, but then I saw a dark purple spot in his right ear and a lighter one in his left ear.  I am freaking out!  Has anyone experienced anything like this?  PC told me not to G.oogle it and of course I did and I'm really freaking out.  Could it be something like a busted blood vessel from all the snot-sucking?  Poor little guy... PC and I are so ready for this to be gone and for him to get relief.  Breaking our hearts!    
 

Cheap Entertainment

A 15 month old is what I call "cheap entertainment" these days!  This show includes but is not limited to:   

• Chasing dogs (need to post about LB and his obsession with dogs) while I say a million times "gentle, love him/her, be sweet" as he goes for the tail

• Words!  LB chooses a "word of the week" and then puts it in his little word bank.  In his bank are mama, dada, hey, bye (but the "b" is a hit or miss so sometimes it's just eye that means bye), oh wow (this is one of my favorites), bur (bird) and the word of the week right now is "Look!"  When a light comes on... "Look!"  When the dogs come up to the window... "Look!" It comes with the finger pointing. 
• Dancing is a little bounce with a head shake... so cute but so hard to capture on video because he knows what we're doing!  
• Your "projects" and problem-solving are so much fun to watch these days.  One example... can't find a paci?  Use a lego instead.

Walking and words are changing everything... let the toddler adventures begin!

Twenty Questions

Linking up with PAIL twenty questions because I need a lighthearted distraction and have enjoyed reading and learning more about you all!  Sorry for the lack of comments, had a lot going on with work in February and a little boy not sleeping with a stuffy nose= tired:[  Here goes...

1.  What was the last thing you threw in the garbage/recycling? 
--Puffs container :] 
2.  What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?
--It's PC's iPod and most likely Pork & Beans by Weezer.
3.  What is your favorite quote? 
--"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."  Gandhi
4.  What chore do you absolutely hate doing? 
--Floors!
5.  What is your favorite form of exercise? 
--Right now it's keeping up with a 14 month old!
6.  What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?
--4:30- Home sweet home, Friday, and July- sunshine, sweet tea & flip flops! 
7.  What is on your bedside table? 
--It's on PC's side (I really need my own) but since we share- flashlight, alarm, diapers and a paci. 
8.  What is your favorite body part?
--Do dimples count for this?  And I don't have them:[  But my boys do and I think they are precious:]
9.  Would you use the power of invisibility for good or evil? Elaborate. 
--I'm pretty sure spying falls into the evil category but sorry to say that was my first thought!
10.  If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be? 
--30's minus infertility.  Life is Good.  Crazy, but Good!
11.  What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery? 
--Sounds nerdy but get an financial consultant/attorney and make a plan, but that plan would definitely include an extended vacation!
12.  What is your biggest pet peeve? 
--People who think rules don't apply to them and they are better than others- grrrr.   
13.  If you could know the answer to any question, what would it be?
--Will I ever learn to drive a stick shift?  I have tried and tried and tried.  
14.  At what age did you become an adult? 
--I was on my own pretty much from after I got a job at age 16... I wouldn't take it back because it shaped my work ethic and determination... but it was tough. 
15.  Recommend a book, movie, or television show in three sentences or less. 
--Really not up to date on much but look forward to Duck Dynasty every week!   
16.  What did you do growing up that got you into trouble? 
--Made too many hasty decisions... like buying a car that was too expensive at the time and getting a perm that I brushed out the next day!
17.  What was the first album you bought with your own money? 
--I honestly cannot remember!
18.  If someone wrote a book about you, what would be the title?
--Pass. 
19.  What story do you wish your family would stop telling about you? 
--The time that I ran from "wolves" in the woods.  Wild pack of dogs, coyotes... what difference does it make,  it was a terrifying experience that I still can't find the humor in!
20.  True or false: The unicorn is the greatest mythical creature. State your case.
--Yes, since I can't think of one any better and I used to collect them when I was younger.  PC would totally say sasquatch.  

This Boy is Busy!

Walking has opened a whole new world for LB... and has us on our toes more than ever!  He is one busy boy and he is into everything and everywhere.  We seriously have to make sure gates are closed and doors are shut or he is out of our sight within seconds and (usually) doing something that makes us nervous!  Below are some snapshots of life lately!

He finds "hiding" places for blocks, toys, cups etc.  The favorite spot is behind the playyard.  I never know what's going to turn up here!

I was just a few feet away and looked up to see this.  Instead of running to grab him, I went for the camera of course!  Needless to say, the step stool is folded away and has a new home for awhile.

He took this basket from one end of the house to the other.  He was on a serious mission! 

See the white baby-proof hook?  It's there to prevent this kind of project but I left the door open and LB  promptly rearranged every pot, pan and lid (and had lots of fun in the process!)

My sweet busy boy! :]

Holding on to Baby Stuff

I am struggling with what to do with baby stuff that we no longer need or use.  The dilemma is that I don't have a good reason to hold on to anything except for the sentimental value.  I have passed along some clothing and toys to co-workers and friends but there are some other-bigger or newer- things that I could sell and be using that extra money towards things we need now.  I can put everything in storage... but why?  One of my best friends gave us a pack-n-play that she had stored in her attic.  I was excited to use it because I had great memories of her kids using it.  But when we went to put it together, squirrels had gotten into the netting and ruined it:[  It sounds like I know what I want to do but when it comes to actually doing it, that's a different story.  I have totes full of LB's clothes from this first year because I just can't get rid of them... yet.  I have one small tote of maternity clothing because I can't do that either... just yet.  But, take the walker for example.  LB loved it and so did we.  But we haven't used it in weeks and I look at it taking up space and think about how another little one could be enjoying it.  That is when my "can't let go" struggle sets in!  We have such great memories of him cruising around in this walker.

If we were not done with ART and TTC then I would hang on to everything and hope that it would be used by a sibling.  But that chapter is closed so I need to separate my emotions and let go of some baby stuff.  I'm predicting that's easier said than done...     

SOS- Survival Week

Not going to post a "Simplifying on Sunday" goal list this week because, in addition to a 50 hour work week ahead, we have three evenings with stuff going on:[  Instead, it will just be a survival week as we end the month of January.  Is that crazy... seems like a month that usually goes by slowly just flew!  This time last year I was half-way into my maternity leave and spending my days snuggling up with a newborn.  Time I will forever cherish that went by way too fast.  Oh how I wish we had the Canada one year maternity leave plan!   

In other news...
This weekend LB officially started walking.  Yay.... I think:]  He had started taking steps around 11 months but then something happened and the kid went on a walking strike.  Anytime we would let go of his hands, he would sit.  If we tried to get him to stand back up and he was on to our game, he would buckle his legs.  I don't know what was up with that... maybe because he had a few hard tumbles... anyway, this weekend he decided it was time.  It is quite a sight to behold because 1- that's my baby walking and 2- he holds both hands out in front of him like a mummy.  Eh, we'll work on that later! 

Off to get some things done for this crazy busy week... hope it's a great one for all of you!!!

Total Random-ness

• An IRL friend told me about the i.Period app that keeps record of anything and everything related to AF.  For anyone TTC, it has a fertility component that's really good.   

• It's a sleet/ice day here in the Southeast and that means everyone loaded up on bread & milk yesterday and schools were closed today in order to survive the winter storm.  Let me brace myself to step out on the front porch to show you a winter storm in the southeast.  Cracks me up...

 

• I'm not complaining about the winter storm because my view right now is my sweet boys enjoying an afternoon nap while I'm cozy on the couch getting to blog about random-ness.  Nice.  (PC is somewhere under that blanket.)

• We made the move to the Stage 2 car seat this week and went with the Brita.x Marathon.  LB likes it but I need to read a little more about it because it just doesn't feel as secure as I think it should feel or maybe it's because he looks smaller in the bigger seat.  We're going to keep him rear facing for a few more months or as long as we can height-wise.   

• This 20 seconds caught on video keeps making me laugh.  We'll call it Operation Paci Rescue!

First Haircut

I held out as long as I could but when LB's baby mullet started curling under and hair started covering his ears, it was time. I just didn't like the thought of cutting my baby boy's first year hair! Yet another first to remind me that we are cruising on to the toddler years faster than I would like.  However, it was not any kind of sad occasion or emotional meltdown (for mom).  Instead I broke out in a sweat trying to figure out how to distract him while PC held him because he kept trying to squirm away from the scissors (which I would probably do too).  Thank you iPhone and some app where cars & trucks make noises. Wish I had gotten better pictures but things were a little chaotic at the time!  In fact, this was just before he squirmed again and PC yelled at me "bring back the phone!"  Good times.

Simplifying on Sunday

Well, I didn't cross everything off the list last week but having a plan was helpful and a step in the right direction so let's try again...  

• Make 2 dinner meals, chicken casserole & taco soup
• Post 3-5 clothing pieces on local classifieds or ebay
• Thank you cards for LB's birthday
• Make dental appointment
• Brush LB's teeth!  He has 12 teeth and that is a mouthful so for the life of me I cannot figure out why I keep forgetting to make this part of the bedtime routine!  Better... and he loves it!
• Call ob/gyn again and ask for credit check. 
• Hang up clothes (As opposed to laying them over the hamper and telling myself I'll do it the next day.)  Obviously I listened to myself:[
• Mail the thank you cards
• Make 2 dinner meals- chicken & dumplings & burger sliders
• Buy a carseat!
• Make LB's next wellness visit appointment
• Work on transitioning to sippy cup for the supper bottle
• Paint magnetic square in the playroom  

What's for dinner?

Why yes mom!  Thank you for introducing me to these yummy foods! 
grilled chicken
grilled fish
muffins
pancakes
bananas
green beans
rice
sweet potatoes
strawberry & banana yogurt
avocados (sometimes)
puffs
prunes (baby food)
goldfish
oatmeal
pouch/squeeze fruits

What are you thinking mom?  After I spit these out, I will promptly toss them in the floor!  No thank you!   
eggs
cheese
deli meat
any kind of pasta
any other veggies besides the ones listed above
any other fruit besides banana unless it's in a pouch
Why are you frowning?  OH, these are supposed to be yummy?  These are easy to prepare you say?  Well, I do like to keep you challenged... maybe you could ask your blog friends what food(s) they think I might like! 

I can't just live off of puffs?  Please allow me to prove otherwise!

Simplifying on Sunday

Simplifying on Sunday (how appropriate that creates the acronym SOS!) is going to be a new addition to my blog, starting today. 

It is probably not of much interest to anyone unless you really want to know of my on-going domestic and organizational challenges but I like that it gives me a feeling of doing something, of accountability and-instead of making yet another list that gets lost through the week- combining it with something that makes me happy- blogging- just seems like a win-win!

This week:

• Make 2 dinner meals, chicken casserole & taco soup (yep, just 2 is a good goal for us... you don't want to know what and how we eat through the week around here!)
• Post 3-5 clothing pieces on local classifieds or ebay
• Thank you cards for LB's birthday (must do because that was a month ago already!)
• Make dental appointment :[  speaking of dental...
• Brush LB's teeth!  He has 12 teeth and that is a mouthful so for the life of me I cannot figure out why I keep forgetting to make this part of the bedtime routine!  
• Call ob/gyn again and ask for credit check.  (We paid on a procedure that ended up being covered by insurance and our account shows a credit but we still haven't received the check.. it has been months trying to get this worked out, grrr.)
• Hang up clothes (As opposed to laying them over the hamper and telling myself I'll do it the next day.)

There, a small start.  I'm really struggling to keep up with things that need to be done at home because I spend my evenings surviving the work week and the weekends soaking up time with my boys.  Major cleaning and organizing is just not happening right now but I've got to do better with the basics!

separation anxiety is not cool

We have had a generally easygoing baby the first year who has adapted well to new surroundings or around new people.

 So, wth happened in month 13?!?

We have left LB in a couple of church nurseries only to check on him and find him crying to the point of catching his breath.  Not cool. 

When someone comes around these days that he doesn't recognize, he buries his head into mine or PC's shoulder and makes a "grrrr" noise.  Not cool, slightly embarrassing. 

He is happy in new places and situations... as long as no one speaks to him.  Mom and Dad are saying "Grrr!"

I have no idea what to do except hope this is a phase and get through it!

As a consequence, I am increasing his chores:]  

Monday Snapshot- Staying Warm

This picture just cracks me up!  You know that scene from A Christmas Story where the younger brother is too bundled up and cries "Mom, I can't put my arms down!"  This is the baby-toddler version!  We went to a theme park over the holidays and had just pulled inside a store to warm up a bit in the pic below.  It was c-o-l-d outside but LB enjoyed the sights and sounds under his two layers, hat, scarf, coat and blanket!

SAHM... if I had the choice

Live to work or work to live?  I used to think I knew which one was me and I am surprised that I am questioning it a lot lately.

We are in the situation that I don't have a choice, but I never thought I would want one.  If people IRL knew of these thoughts they would ask, where is Ms. Mac and what have you done with her!  Wow, how life and perspective can change so quickly.  Do not get me wrong.  I know that stay-at-home is work-at-home and there are good days and not so good days, but home really is where my heart is these days.  I feel guilty being away.  I feel like I am missing out at a crucial time.    

Then I think about how fortunate I am to have the job situation that I do and that I went to college for years- and years- because this was is my dream.  I worked so hard to get it.  Why am I even thinking otherwise?   

One thing that has been really hard is that before I became a mom, I worked a minimum of 50 hours a week there and several more at home.  I have since cut back to 40 hours and am scrambling during the day to find ways to make up for those hours and not take work home.  I was always one of the first cars in the parking lot and one of the last to leave.  Trying to now find more balance leaves me feeling inadequate in so many areas.

These days those last thirty minutes of the work day my mind has already gone home, to those little hands that wrap around my neck and that big smile that greets me.  To see what kind of day he has had.  To hear "mama."  

I just thought that returning from maternity leave would get- as everyone said- easier each day.  It has not.  Every holiday and break, it gets harder.

Last payment on...

... our child!  Yay, we have a receipt and he will not be returned and/or exchanged:]  

I guess in some ways parents are always paying on/for their children but this is the last payment on a loan just to get him into the world!

But worth it?  You better bet your E-I-E-I (extra E-I)-O on it! 

Once an infertile...

I have a boatload of diagnosis related to IF.  In fact, here it is for the blog world to see as written by my RE:

(Miss Mac) is a patient at the (E. Reproductive Center).  She is a 33 year old PO woman with a history of anovulation, endometritis, simple endometrial hyperplasia, unilateral tubal disease and Asherman's syndrome.  She has undergone 8 clomiphene citrate, 3 letrazole and 2 IUI cycles.  She underwent laparoscopy hysteroscopy in 2009 and had correction of the uterine scarring at that time.  Her recent blood work at the ERC demonstrate diminished ovarian reserve with an antral follicle count of 10 and elevated estradiol.  Due to the number of prior failed ovulation induction cycles and diminished ovarian reserve, we have recommended IVF.   
 
One IVF cycle and one precious baby boy later- thank you ERC- you did something amazing with a very messed up reproductive system!

(By the way, can I blame baby-brain or should I know the acronym PO?  The first thing that came to mind was Pissed Off and, although true when it comes to IF, I don't think that fits this particular dx.)

The original purpose for this post was to say that I think I had a smidgen of hope that since my body did this amazing thing that maybe the hormones would straighten out.  I don't even have to ovulate since we are done with ART, but I just was hoping for a once a month cycle that had some sense of normalcy to it.

Not ovulating, for me, means AF starts and she never stops and she is outright hateful about it.  One RE explained it to me that I have too much of one hormone and not enough of the other, so it's like always having a foot on the accelerator and not the brake.  I will spare you the details but what most of my IRL friends describe as a bad AF is the norm here.

So when AF started before well before Christmas and was still here for the new year, I said hello to someone I am not very fond of.

 I can tell you how this will go.  This will trade AF for nausea, neither of which is desirable but one zaps me more than the other and I need all the energy that I can get these days!  Then for the next cycle we will have a repeat unless I get more BCP, which leads me to have thoughts of a hysterectomy going through my mind.  Even the thought puts a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach.  Even if we are done with family building, it just seems like a door slamming rather than one shutting.  And then to those that didn't get the choice or didn't get the one good egg, I will shut up.  And for you, my heart bursts and the tears flow and I want you to have the desires of your heart... please believe that. 

I want the new year to be full of love and laughter in our home and these messed up cycles, well, they just bring me and my family down with them.  I don't know exactly what that means for us and this post went all over the place, just like my hormones, and I appreciate anyone who read it through and listened. 

... always an infertile.