We are in the situation that I don't have a choice, but I never thought I would want one. If people IRL knew of these thoughts they would ask, where is Ms. Mac and what have you done with her! Wow, how life and perspective can change so quickly. Do not get me wrong. I know that stay-at-home is work-at-home and there are good days and not so good days, but home really is where my heart is these days. I feel guilty being away. I feel like I am missing out at a crucial time.
Then I think about how fortunate I am to have the job situation that I do and that I went to college for years- and years- because this
One thing that has been really hard is that before I became a mom, I worked a minimum of 50 hours a week there and several more at home. I have since cut back to 40 hours and am scrambling during the day to find ways to make up for those hours and not take work home. I was always one of the first cars in the parking lot and one of the last to leave. Trying to now find more balance leaves me feeling inadequate in so many areas.
These days those last thirty minutes of the work day my mind has already gone home, to those little hands that wrap around my neck and that big smile that greets me. To see what kind of day he has had. To hear "mama."
I just thought that returning from maternity leave would get- as everyone said- easier each day. It has not. Every holiday and break, it gets harder.
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I hear ya lady. I think a lot of those feelings have to do with the number of hours you work -- is there any way you can delegate part of what you do so you're not scrambling so much during the work week and feeling inadequate? Really, there are only so many *aka - 40!* hrs in the work week, and you shouldn't have to do 50+ hrs of work in 40. Might be time for some restructuring of your job responsibilities?
I'm currently working about 35hrs/week, and even that is a lot, but thankfully when I go home at the end of the day, I am DONE. No take home work for me.
It's so hard to not get to spend all the time we want with our little ones, isn't it? *sigh*
Ugg.. I can't even imagine. I can tell you have been the type of person who usually loves their work and loves to work. I'm not and never have been quite like that so I certainly wouldn't be the first one there each day and last to leave... which makes me say even more ugg. (Don't get me wrong.. I now love what I do but still don't like to do A LOT of it! ;) ) But I can see how this would change with that little cutie waiting for you at home. 40 hours at work PLUS working some at home is a lot and it must be tough. Like Josey said, is there anyway you can move things around a bit to cut down your work load a bit? I know there is a good chance this is a no, so I'm sorry for that. I guess for now, just soak up those evenings, weekends, and holidays as much as you can!! I know you must miss him. It sure is tough :(
It's funny. I always wanted to be a SAHM and I've been able to do that for almost Sam's first year of life. But I think she and I are going a little stir crazy. It might be time for some change, as in me going back to work. Plus, our family really needs two incomes. Being a SAHM is MUCH harder than I thought, and I am really torn about going back to work. Part of me knows I (we) need it, and part of me can just hear my heart breaking already not being with her all day.
I hear you on this. I put a lot of money and time into building a career that was challenging and interesting only to realize when my daughter was born that I cared most about being home and I should have been building a career that was more flexible. Sigh.
I hear you. I feel guilty leaving my little one each day. Then I feel guitly leaving work each day. The guilt. I never imagined the guilt.
These things are so hard. I felt the same way just before going back to work - my heart was with my child and I didn't want it anywhere else (except with B, of course). When I did quit, I got calls from a few women at my company asking if I was sure I wanted to do this, because I was such a "career gal." I was never so sure of anything in my life.
I think it's hard to find balance when you know where you would rather be. I was not a good employee after we finally got pregnant - all I thought about was my baby and getting prepared for him. Had I kept working after he was born (I did go back for 7 weeks to collect a hard-earned bonus), I probably would have been fired by now ;)
You never know - things could change and what's good is that you know what you'd prefer, and half the time, that helps us get to where we want to be!
Hugs :)
I could have written this post, almost verbatim! I just had 12d off with Em for the Holidays and it was so hard being back at work and staying in work mode.
I've decided that family comes first. I'll never get these days back and work will always be there.
I hear you loud and clear. I frequently feel like I threw my career, and all of my accomplishments, away when I resigned. I feel like I let a lot of people down who helped me get to a place filled with men only to realize after having a baby there was a reason for that. I'm happy to have this time at home, but sort of miss the path to the big office.
We adopted and I opted to leave my job after we brought our daughter home. Initially I was SO GLAD that I had made that choice since I had worked in the city w/an hour long commute and didn't see how I would be able to squeeze everything in and still keep my act together. BUT, she's now 3 going on 4 and we miss my salary every month. My husband does very well, but I miss being able to go to the mall and buy a shirt because I like it which is not a possibility any longer. Home repairs? With the exception of painting since that is relatively inexpensive they have been put off and our house is being to show it. More than anything else though? I miss using my brain. I miss interacting with adults on a daily basis (although I do belong to a moms group). So am I thankful to be able to be a SAHM? Yes, but I miss working.
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