Final blog post Finally

I have been avoiding a final post on this blog for days, weeks, months nearly a year!  Some things are hard to let go. I've become a former blog-friend-turned-stalker-occasional commenter:[  I just was not as dedicated here as a mom as I was an infertile.  Now I'm just an infertile mom trying to keep up and not feel like I'm always trying to keep up!  I may end up somewhere else in blog land but just not quite sure where yet.  After all, I'm still writing this story day by day:]

I must say I'm 'unsettled' right now, but that's not to be confused with unhappy.  I don't remember feeling this way- this strongly- before.  I think it means that there will be changes ahead when the time and opportunity presents itself and I just need to be open to it.  Some people can live that way and it works well for them, but that's usually not my style.  I have a predictable routine, career goals, habits etc. so for me to be open (and eager) for change is huge.  I am sure that I want more and that does not mean more in the form of material things.  I want more balance and quality time with everything from family and friends to quiet moments with a glass of sweet tea on the back porch. With those thoughts, I still have much responsibility (and let's not forget the mortgage).  All this rambling to say I'm not quite sure what's ahead but I'm trying to get things in order to be ready!

This time in our lives is amazing, stressful and everything in between.  Wow, you could have never told me how much life would change.  I really had that thought when PC and I broke out into singing and dancing in the car to "E.lmo's got five crayons in the box, Yeah, that's what he's got..." which is at least a catchy tune out of the two year old selections.  I also have to give credit to PC for his spot on impersonation of the E.ric C.arle cat and girl looking at each other while papa retrieves the moon. (Some of you will know exactly what I'm referring to!)  I got an SOS text one night from PC titled "turd in the tub!" Repeat- never-ever could I have imagined how life would change!

I had ideas about how we would be as parents but then you have this little person who comes fully complete with ideas of their own.  We have never laughed so much as we are experiencing the world as perceived by a toddler.  We have never been so stressed out by a toddler whose EPIC meltdowns during a simple haircut have left us little choice but to trim and gap up his hair while he sleeps (no joke) to put it off as long as possible!  Ideas about how we would smoothly transition from milk in a bottle to a sippy cup at one year, which didn't happen, so I put it off another year.  We took the bottle and paci at 24 months and- since then- we have tried every kind of milk imaginable-warm, cold, whole, almond, coconut, chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, cookies-n-cream, Nido, Yahoo's, Pediasure- in every kind of cup- with no luck.  He seems okay without it so far but gah it still stresses me out to know he has not had milk for almost a year.  (The pediatrician recommended calcium supplements and getting it in his foods however we can.)  We quit fighting the 1/3 of a restless night in his bedroom routine months ago and wedged a trundle bed against ours- he still does not sleep through the night but it's a lot better than multiple wakes. This picture (and he is very much asleep in it) totally makes me want to laugh, cry and shout "never say never (i.e. our kid will sleep all night in his bed)" all at once!  Welcome to our bedroom... trucks, E.lmo, music & lights projector...  sounding romantic yet?  It's not ideal, but I must admit I lay down every night feeling abundantly Blessed sleeping between my two boys. This time shall pass.

It's questionable from the way every room in this house looks whether adults live here or not!  It is a puzzle piece-puffs in the floor-books- cars everywhere- wreck!  I'm sure we're judged by some for what we have or have not done as new parents (yep, I see those looks when someone mentions how many toys he has or finds out that he sleeps in our bed) but honestly, I don't care. (And to our defense, the toy situation is 99% grandma's fault!)  Anyways... what matters most to me is teaching him (or setting the example the best PC and I can) about character, a servant's heart and the value of hard work. We'll work on that through any means possible and a trip- or two- or three- to time out as needed. Telling this double dose of strong-willed kid "no" means that he tells you what he "thinks" of your no... which is usually pushing or hitting me (yep, not cool) so we sit in time out for a minute-or two- or three- until he can stop crying and can hug.  Then I talk through the behavior and tell him how I know he can be a good boy.  On occasion, I've popped his hand or leg but that does not work and it makes me more mad at myself than just going through the whole time out process.  It's exhausting but this time shall also pass (soon I hope!).  Update:  Since this post has been in the works for many months, this actually- knock, knock on wood- has been MUCH better the past 3-6 months and the time out chair is not getting near as much use:]

And a few times he has put himself in time out without a reason!

At his 27 month checkup (since he was sick at 24 months) the pediatrician came in and the first thing that she noticed was he had taken the band-aid off from having his finger pricked.  She said "you've got one that pulls the band aid off... uh oh" and she gave us some advice about handling the child who has a need to control and strong will.  We told her about how his brain works- going nonstop and obsessed with learning facts-making connections- and she said more than likely his learning and emotions are on two different age levels.  Academically, he loves to be challenged.  Emotionally, he is very much a strong willed toddler.  My two biggest concerns to discuss with the pedi at that visit were behavior and eating habits.  He was 3% on the charts for weight (25 lbs) and 43% for height at that checkup.  I promise I feed the child, but lots of new things we try go in and proceed to come right back out.  If it were not for (sad to say because this is sometimes breakfast, lunch AND dinner) chicken nuggets, cereal bars, tater tots and crackers, I don't know what we would do or what he would eat!    

TTC#2... made you look if you're still reading:]  No, that chapter of our lives is still closed.  My last visit to the ob/gyn, Dr. B6 asked if we wanted to try Femara or Clomid (which we did years ago early in the TTC ride).  My response was that if I somehow knew there were any quality eggs left, I might try Femara but if I knew there was little chance, we were not willing to go on the infertility treatments roller coaster again, emotionally, physically or financially.  He told me we should check my AMH levels for an indicator of ovarian reserve... another blood test to add to my resume!  Those results confirmed what I already knew.  My IVF story had a happy ending, but it's also a closed one with no embryos to freeze and me being just a couple of years away from the big 4-0.  Do I have moments of sadness? Twinges of jealousy creep back up when it's just "that easy" for others?  You bet.  But overwhelming joy and gratefulness for my one? Every minute of every day.  IF pulls the heart in different directions.

The pic that still takes my breath.

Based on the most amazing two 1/2 years with our sweet miracle, I predict that we have a quick learner with a strong, stubborn will to accomplish what he sets his mind to do.  We have an explorer who loves anything and everything that involves being outdoors.  I predict that he will also appreciate the arts, especially music.  The strong will and determination will make for some tough life lessons that will seem like the world is coming apart, but it's my hope those life lessons will shape his character for the better and create a leader with passion for doing what is right. 

There are a few things about this wonderfully challenging age of 2 that PC and I want to keep forever frozen in our memories and hearts.  These things help us to get through the meltdown times!  Things like saying to us (multiple times a day) Hi Mommy/Daddy and saying it so dramatically that it's like each word has multiple syllables... Hiiiiii Mooommmmmmyyy.  Your love of counting and numbers leads to multiple conversations and smiles and we love to especially hear you say sick (six) seden (seven) sebateen (seventeen)!  When you sing your abc's, the ending is "now I know my A, B... B's" You point out shapes--everywhere!  I think I have all of these sweet things recorded on different devices but I have to be strategic and catch you at just the right time or you totally turn off whatever you're doing because you know what we're up to and, as previously mentioned, you prefer things to be done on your terms. Video of the counting is dark because we were sitting outside one night and you really didn't know what I was up to!  :]

I went to a funeral recently for my granny's brother.  I looked around and it-just-hit.  When I was growing up, my mom was working and I would go with my granny to visit her brothers and sisters. All of her siblings' grandkids were around for me to play with.  Now, there are only 3 out of those 7 siblings still alive. And most of those grandkids have kids of their own. My mom is now the granny and keeps my kid while I work.  So what's my point?  It's just happened so stinkin fast!  It hits me more and more how fast it is.  Every time I visit my granny and I'm describing the chaos of life with a toddler she never fails to remind me that these are the best days of my life and to enjoy them. I'm trying to hang on to these thoughts when life seems too busy and too tiring.  Truly, it's a blessing to see a new day and these really are the best days of my life.  Thanks for letting me share some of the best ones right here.

Goodbye from Mac and PC...

 and LB makes 3 and this very special corner of the world.

Make it count!

(Un) Happy Birthday

Although it would be fitting to do a final blog post on LB's two year old birthday today, there was no birthday celebrating because the poor kid has the flu.  The presents are still wrapped, the cake in the freezer, the Birthday Boy shirt hanging in the closet... so sad!  Instead, we're rotating fever meds and just trying to keep him hydrated:[  

Even though the party plans are being postponed, this is still a day that I will always celebrate.

The day we looked at this sweet face and it was oh so worth the wait!

To one year ago when we could not have imagined how much life was about to change with a baby turned toddler.  

  

To today...

Our hearts are so full and we love you beyond measure!  

Happy Birthday LB! 

3/4 Life as we know it & pics

Most of 2013 has felt like a blur, but especially from May until now.  In June, I accepted two job offers (one online) and since then it has been a juggling act to try and get the best of two worlds- work and home.  The rest of this year and next is definitely going to be a challenge but it's what we need to do now in order to have more options later.

Our little boy, this next to last post is all about you as we quickly approach your 2nd birthday.  The time is passing by way too fast. I'm going to do a very educator-ish thing and use an acronym with your real name or otherwise this post would go on and on.  This is just a snapshot of what you are like as a 21 month old.  I cannot even begin to describe everything in detail because every day is different and you are learning something new all the time.  

Happiness is found in car rides, cartoons/Net.flix, favorite iPad or iPhone apps (we have to watch the time and dread taking it away), L.ittle P.eople cars and trucks, matchbox cars, the dogs (or any dogs), outdoors, bike rides, swimming, baths, books that slide or have pictures of interest, music, dancing, coloring, playing chase, spinning around, letters (see below), numbers, hugs (dad and I cannot hug without you pulling on our legs and joining in- so adorable), camping, balls, climbing steps, swinging, and just about anything that requires movement.  We have a boy who is constantly on the go!  The dancing is adorable with a walk, walk, squat, walk, walk, squat, head shake!

Anger, frustration, and/or cries happen during diaper changes (which you did not mind at all the first year of your life), going from outside to inside if you're not ready, people yelling (like across a room, not necessarily arguing), heading to the playroom and turning around to grab a diaper/sippy/etc., taking something away (namely the iPad), a few trips and falls, telling you no, and trying to get you to eat more to name a few.  This is a difficult time because you know what you want and just don't have the words to express yourself quite yet.  Out of all of these, telling you no hurts your feelings the most.  It hurts your feelings- however- then you do something to "get the last say" in.  For example, if you throw a piece of food in the floor and we say "no" you whine and are sad, but then when you settle, you'll slowly do it again with a napkin or object other than the food and watch to see our reactions.  Boy, oh, boy.  I'm ready for more language so we can discuss these behaviors!


Meals are a hit or miss.  I wish you ate more and more variety but can't force you.  Breakfast favorites are any combinations of yogurt, muffins, cereal, oatmeal and juice.  Lunch/dinner is usually either chicken or fish with green beans or french fries (you l-o-v-e french fries) and prunes.  Snacks are puffs, fruit squeeze pouches, yogurt bites, goldfish or other crackers.  You love tortilla chips but get a little choked on them and it freaks us out everytime.  We've tried about every fruit and lots of veggies but to no avail.  You take two bottles each day.  I gave up trying to transition to milk in a sippy cup, it just never happened.  It wasn't worth a fight to me since you need milk, so we have one bottle mid-day and one before bedtime.  PC and I have decided... no choice at 24 months... the bottle will go and it's either sippy cup or getting dairy from wherever else we can.  Your favorite place to eat is C.hick Fi.l A.  

Personality- you love people even if you are a little standoff-ish at first.  You love exploring everything and everywhere- touching new things, copying us and other kids.  You have started making silly faces and cutting your eyes. You point to and say eyes, nose, ears (which you grab & wiggle), mouth, hair, toes and bellybuttons.  I have had to watch you with this because you went up to a rather chubby kid in the chick.fil a play area and pulled up his shirt to find his bellybutton before I could grab you.  I apologized and told him "he's learning how to say tummy."  Ha, ha.  Your energy level is hard on your older IVF parents! :]  Dad and I have to take turns keeping up with you everywhere we go.  Accident prone... your head and legs usually have a scratch and/or bruise although you are never more than a few feet from us- you stumble and trip when there's nothing there to stumble and trip over!  Just yesterday, you ran so fast over a hard plastic vent cover that it broke and your leg fell through, getting scratched in several places.  Sigh.  At least you seem to recover quickly and luckily (knock on wood) there hasn't been anything more serious than scratches and bruises!       

Talking-  words and phrases are:  look, on lights, oh wow, uh oh (when anything drops), bir (bird) ood Gob (good job), d or dada, pish (fish), ruck (truck), hey, hi, moo (to what does the cow say), eat, ky (sky), clouds, flow (flower) and one of my favorites... ah moon (this one is very clear and you look up to the sky every time), two, four, five, seven, eight, nine, TEN (you say it louder and clap), eat, plane, buttafly, shoe, side (outside), orange, puh-ple, bye, yay, oh no, boat and (thanks to PC) coke.  You are jabbering all the time now and the grandparents predict that we're just a few weeks away from really grasping onto language.  You're adding new words it seems like each day but something I feel that holds you back from talking more is that you are... 

Obsessed with:  letters!  What started out as cute has gone a little crazy!  You know all letters and their sounds and say them perfectly with the exception of r (er) and w (dubba).  You shout out letters before you go to sleep, when you wake from nap, when you wake in the morning, off of the t.v., off of street and store signs, on people's shirts... everywhere!  I think you like to see people's expressions, which is fun when they laugh or encourage you, but my worry is that it consumes so much of your thoughts and focus that you really are not that interested in words... not even mama:[  You said mama several times when you were first putting together sounds but I have not heard it in months and am hoping I don't have to wait much longer!  Everyone who knows this about you is always whipping out a piece of paper and quizzing you... again, I think you like the challenge but we're ready to take a break from the love of letters:]        

Not a baby anymore:[  We started Mother's Morning Out over the summer to get used to the teachers and kids for the fall.  You are the youngest and walk right in there like such a big boy and it is just strange to see you sitting at the table beside the 3 & 4 year olds, so big!  You pull away from our hands and get a couple of feet in front of us whenever you can.  You have a very strong-willed independent spirit!  You are long and lean, just moving into 18 month clothes.  You have used the potty for poopy purposes since you were six months old.  Using it all the time for all potty business is a work in progress.    

I realized I left out sleep.  Probably because of the lack of it still!  In all 21 months, you have slept through the night (meaning sleeping in your crib and waking at 5:30 a.m.) all of ONE time.  Two things I find hard to believe. 1- that people get pregnant naturally and 2- that there are babies/toddlers/kids who really do sleep through the night.  Anyways, neither of these have happened at our house but I know through friends and blogs that they really do:]  Dad snapped this picture when you got halfway out of your crib one night and decided to get a few more zzzz's.

 In addition to the things listed above, you are just fun and it's amazing to watch you take on the world.  So in love and lucky to be your parents. 

2 of 4- More than a Blog

These last three are long, bear with me!

After we had been TTC for about a year, the massive Internet search began.  I have google'd the word infertility and terms associated with it more than anything.  I visited a chatboard for C.lomid success stories... anovulation success... or whatever the treatment/diagnosis at the time happened to be.  Somewhere along the way, this led me to blogs of women with similar situations.  After reading/stalking them for months, I wrote that first post and found out that one of the best forms of therapy was actually FREE (so rare in the world of IF).

Similar to relationships IRL, there have been connections here that were stronger at one point and changed over time.  I found myself in the midst of blogs where many were pursuing IUI's and IVF while I was still considering all options.  Many of them had success either through treatment (yay) or pursuing adoption (yay) but that led me to keep drifting to circles similar to my situation (baby-less!).  I saw A LOT of BFP's over that time (yay, yay) but at one point I had to take a hiatus from blogging because I was actually losing hope.

After two failed IUI's, I decided to go forward with IVF.  During this time, I found a very close knit community, and have pretty much stayed close to this group ever since.  Then after LB was here and I was holding my very own baby, I made some connections with other moms and moms-to-be.  I am grateful for every single connection.  I am grateful for a place where I could experience every emotion imaginable with people who get it. 

This blog has been much more than a shared journey.  It has been a place to cry happy and sad tears, to encourage and be encouraged, to give and gain support, to learn and to share, to virtually hold another's hand who is trying so hard to achieve the same goal.

I will inadvertently leave someone out and (repeat) am grateful for every connection, but just can't leave without telling some special bloggers, some of whom I'm still connected with and some of whom that I have lost touch with, what they mean to me.

In the beginning...
Trials and Tribulations of Trace and Heather- Tracy adopted a sweet bundle of energy after IVF posed a health risk.  Heather gave birth to twin boys through IVF.  These are two of the first ladies that I connected with years ago.  I was so excited to see those first comments and to know someone was interested in my story as well.  Although there was a time we lost touch, Heather still stops in from time to time and it meant a lot that she cheered me on long after she had her beautiful boys.

Close to home...
Although I did not meet these ladies IRL, I found support of some ladies living in the same state who were ahead of me and used fertility clinics that I was researching at the time.  Dana had a precious boy and created a new family blog and Sarah, another IVF success, used the clinic that we chose so it was nice to share stories and information with both of them.

Through participating in ICLW at the start of my IVF cycle, I met many amazing ladies.  I met some who were at the same place as me and some who were not far behind, which resulted in some great virtual friendships.
Babyhopes- where are you my friend?  We had such similar history and I cried with her when she did not get a BFP from her first IVF.  Then she became one of those girls we talk bad about (totally just kidding) and got a natural BFP while pursuing adoption at the same time.  Amazing story and lady, I have always been a big fan.
Josey- we would totally have a beer if I were a beer drinker (more of a wine girl) and talk toddler and I have no doubt it would be as if we had been longtime friends.  Josey was just a couple of days ahead of me with Ms. Stella and I'll never forget her commenting when LB was here and saying "master the latch!"  lol.  She is a strong voice and heart in the world of IF and I will be lurking for sure to welcome baby #2!  (Also, we cannot totally lose contact because our kids are going to meet and fall in love 20 30 years down the road, I just know it.)
Bridget and Fiona- These two ladies are just sweet, genuine, honest and faithful commenters..  They are there for you and I wish them all the best as Bridget has taken on the world of 2 under 2 and Fiona is pursing #2.
Stephanie and Kelly- Inspiring moms and writers who let us in on the good, the bad and the ugly (much appreciated).  If you have never read Kelly's poop-its-everywhere- post or Stephanie's wardrobe malfunction post, get ready for a good laugh.  By the way Steph, I have not heard once from you that you have been pee'd on?!?
Annie and Courtney- Two moms to little boys I have connected with who give some great advice and thanks to them I have found a new love for B.elvita and A.veda products:]  Blogs have also been a great way to find some really cool products by the way.  Where else would I have found out about the snotsucker?

And many thanks to those in my blog roll, some who were close cycle sisters, who have also followed our journey and allowed me to be a part of yours!  I wish you all the best!  (Apologies for not making these active links... ran out of time as usual!)

Waiting and Wishing, Mrs. Lydon, 3B2B1Baby, amiracle4us, marilyn, EandR, Kerrik

myjourneythroughinfertility, Marion, Marianne, China Doll, Carlia, EBC, Jen, A, Sarah, Krista, Fullbed, kkasun, SRB

IRL- 
I have given this web address and permission to stalk me to L and S, two of my closest IRL-forever-friends.  They both have kids in elementary school and were sooooo sweet to relive my pregnancy ups and downs, the name game, the birth, and those first few precious weeks all over again with me.  I don't know who was more excited at times.  I love them both more than they will ever know.

A simple "thanks" here is not sufficient to describe what this piece of the world has meant to me.

I had some comments about connecting via Faceb.ook.  Ironically, we love technology but are still out of the FB loop!  Really, it has more to do with my job and not having to deal with the whole 'students as friends' issue.  I would like to keep the blog up for awhile and my name is connected to an email that I have forwarded to my daily email, so if anyone needs me for any reason, please find me!

Now, on to my next-to-last post about what is going on in our lives right now... can't wait to put an update here!  

Goodbye Blog World, Part 1/4

This summer I plan to do something that even PC will not believe when he reads it... say goodbye to this blog.  Before doing so, I have three important posts to do.  1- what this blog and the ladies I have met here have meant to me, 2- an update on what is going on in our lives right now, and 3- some thoughts about our family and goals we have that I would like to share here.  Between getting these posts complete, I will be making the blog rounds and saying goodbye to some special people-real people- who I have never met but still call friends. 

For anyone who is not connected to some area of the blog world, this may not mean much.  For me, I am closing a chapter that has been a very important part of my life for over FIVE years, starting with my first post called "Mac and PC Enter Blogworld" on 2/26/2008.  I wrote that post without anyone "listening" and it grew to become a place I love and cherish so much that you were the second, right after PC, to know that LB was on his way.  The cheers and tears for us at that moment through comments here made this much more than a place to write thoughts, it became a source of love and strength.    

I am sad but I know it's the right time.  Recently, a new door opened for us.  I got a new job.  A job that has been a dream of mine for years.  I have a precious toddler and I happen to be very fond of his dad:]  Another dream come true.  In giving my best to both worlds, I have to let some things go and the blog is one area that I feel will inevitably get lost in the mix.  In some ways, it already has and I feel bad about that... so I would rather close this part of our story as we live out the next.

I look forward to reflection and making sure I say everything I want/need to in these final posts... 

what a journey this has been.