So discouraged :[

Today should be a happy one of celebrating a TWO MONTH old!  But instead, it has been a really crappy because of our pediatrician wellness visit this morning. The doctor is concerned about our little one's weight gain percentile being too low.  (Maybe grandma knows something I don't.)  Then he looked at me and PC and said no offense but that it could be because both his parents are small.  Is it wrong to have a skinny baby?  I sent a text to the LC and she told me that pedi's often use formula fed charts for those evaluations and to not give up breast feeding because of this one visit/opinion.  PC said that his brother and his niece were just like our baby's size.  Our baby cries when he is hungry and is content afterwards.  But the doctor didn't ask about any of that.  In fact, he was pissed.  Pissed because we asked to wait just a few more months before starting the vaccines.  PC and I think vaccines are good.  We think they save lives and are needed.  We just want to let him get a little bigger after the strong rounds of antibiotics he had at birth, after the thrush, after the blood in the stools... we want to be sure his immune system is not compromised before being injected (in his underweight body according to the doctor) with seven shots.  Seven.  I don't mean to start a vaccination debate but it's my opinion that little babies are given too much, too soon.  Again, we fully plan on it.  But, damn it, that should be a parent's choice and a doctor shouldn't bully a parent who wants to do it a little later and a little more spread out. 
Oh, and he said that if we have not started the shots by the next visit, they will no longer offer us services.  Oh, and he said "that birthmark on his head- it's a hemangioma and I've seen them get as big as golf balls.  Nothing you can do about it."  Exits room, returns with the vaccination policy and doesn't even speak to us until I ask if we can get our baby dressed.  Our baby, who was all smiles and happy until the conversation about vaccines... then he picked up on an angry doctor vibes and tense parents and he started to scream and cry.  I wanted to join him.  I still do.

Grandma is stealing breastmilk!

My mother is in love obsessed with her grandson.  Her world revolves around him right now and she talks non-stop about him.  I am thankful for everything she did for him before he got here and I know I can leave him with her and she is a Grandma Grizzly about keeping him safe and happy.  But, in my most southern accent, "Y'all, she is stealing my frozen breastmilk supply!"  I am not kidding.  I showed her how to thaw out bags if he needed a "snack" (after I've already left a bottle) and now I have to hide bags in our big freezer.  When I step out the door she tries her best to pork this baby up and give him how much she thinks he needs to be eating.  She gives him the B.ig M.ac, F.ries and the M.ilkshake!  And, our baby missed the memo about knowing to stop eating when he's full!  I have tried to leave reading materials and educate her about breastfeeding, but she doesn't get it.  It was not a 70's thing to do!  I've tried to tell her how much more filling breastmilk is and how too much could be rough on his digestive system.  She fed him 4 oz bottles of formula in the NICU and, in her mind, he's not getting enough... thus, grandma steals the breastmilk.  I know this because I've counted the bags before I leave and find the empty ones down in the trash... gah!  Heaven help us when this child can eat solids.... which grandma can absolutely not believe happens around six months.  I have a feeling he will have already had the taste of cereal before his parents give it to him.
I'm really typing all of this with a suppressed smile.  I am grateful he has a breastmilk stealing grandma.
His grandma is a breast cancer survivor, a double green thumb who wants to pass the gift to him, the life of the party and I have no doubt that they will be best friends.  So this is a battle I choose not to fight.  However, I will keep hiding the stash:] 

Frustrated!

I guess the only purpose this post will serve is to get my frustrations out about a situation, but I'm glad for the opportunity to do that here!

I feel like there is no place for a newborn and a nursing mother at our place of worship.  The pastor wants all children in the children's area to lessen distractions, to keep them safe, to engage them in age appropriate material... agree and understand.  The problem comes with the nursery.  It is a mix of about 12 kids and half are walkers and half are what our pastor calls "bed babies" or those who have not started walking yet.  I can't help it that our LO pees/poops at 11:30 and eats at 11:45... smack in the middle of worship... but I am on his schedule right now.  So, I go to the nursery and ask if I can use their changing table and nurse.  After that, I walk around in the hallway with our little guy. 
The people in the nursery are very loving and kind.  I know several of them and they have a heart for children.  However, when you are just in there nursing (in the floor because you don't want to take over the two rockers, with a walker baby lifting up the "hooter hider" to see what you are doing) you can't help but notice the walker babies taking a bottle from a "bed baby", sharing a paci, pulling off a baby's headband, or throwing a toy that whacks another one on the head.  And I don't want my baby in the floor to get whacked or to get his bottle pulled away or to get a cheerio or something else put in his mouth.  It sounds like there's a lack of supervision, but that's really not the case.  Those ladies are working hard, especially to make sure the bed babies have been fed and changed, but all of these things happen in an instant... they can catch them, but often it has already happened.  So, I made the suggestion to the appropriate people that I would be glad to teach the 5-6 walker babies if that was a possibility.  But there's no space anywhere else.  They asked if it would help to put a rocker in the big bathroom in the worship area, but the way that our church is arranged, that would not work.  I suggested a changing table in the kids bathroom area, but they don't want any strangers in the kids area.  At least if that was there I could start to make bottles and just change him without using the nursery.  Anyway, that's the dilemma, pastor wants them in the children's area and the nursery is not the place for a newborn.  Tired of hanging out in the hallway and the only other place would be our car.  Not sure what we will do. 

P.S.  This is a new one for me... blogging from the bathroom because our little guy went to sleep in his rock & play sleeper while I was drying my hair and he looks so peaceful that I don't want to move him.  I also ate a granola bar and drank some apple juice at my makeup table.  What else can I accomplish in here?  OH, I need to pump!  Maybe I should save these comments for TVT, lol. 

Reflection

Almost four years ago, I wrote this post...

I remember before we got married. We just knew and we spoke in future terms of "our kids" this and that. We introduced our friends and more than one has made the comment "I bet your kids are going to have big, blue eyes." So, just having one of those moments... when I wonder... what would our children look like? Would they have our blue eyes and blonde hair and fair skin? If someone asked me the hardest part of IF, I wouldn't say the shots or expense or procedures- it would have to be the "I Wonders..."

Last year around this time, I wrote this post...

Here lately I've been letting my mind and heart go to places that I've avoided for a long time. Like actually scanning the baby stuff in stores when I walk by, thinking of potential names, imagining ways to share the news of a BFP and saying hello again to those darn "I Wonders."

February 6, 2012

Dear Miss Mac,

You are sitting in a rocker in the nursery you dreamed about staring at the most beautiful baby boy, and he is yours.  He has the biggest, bluest eyes.  

He has stolen your heart in a way that never seemed possible.  Every day, you see God and thank God with this child in your arms. I don't know why you had to endure the path of infertility, countless disappointment and heartache for almost six years. But you fought.  The IVF cycle was hard...emotionally, physically, and financially...but you had five eggs and two that fertilized and one that stuck.    You were so lucky.  Don't ever forget to be grateful every single moment.  There are others who are still fighting the fight.  Don't forget that PC stood by your side every step of the way and took that journey with you.  He is one proud daddy and has big plans for all of the fun he is going to have with his son.  You have a new set of "I Wonders."   You wonder what plans God has for your little one's life.  You wonder if you and PC will raise him to be a man of faith and integrity.  You wonder if you're doing a good job and making the right decisions for him.  Love him.  Teach and guide him.  Let him learn from his mistakes.  And, even on the hardest days, remember that spot that was so empty in your heart because it now overflows with gratitude for your beautiful baby boy with those big blue eyes.

Love, 

someone you were never sure you would get to be... 

Mama. 

Breastfeeding Q&A (without the A!)

I think we've mastered the latch.  We're rid of the thrush.  We're pretty much on a schedule of every 2-3 hours unless we hit a growth spurt.  But inquiring minds want to know...

Where does my milk go at 11:30 a.m.?  Because it's usually absent for that feeding so we spend about an hour staring at the bb's with the two of us getting really frustrated. 

How much should I get when I pump?  Because I pump twice a day and get about 2-3 ounces (more or less) total.  That is not going to feed a baby all day long when I return to work.  Any supply, fresh or frozen, will be gone fast at this rate!

How much does an almost 8 week old eat?  He's a peeing, pooping, growing machine... all good signs right?   

How do I keep up with which side we should be on?  Because we have tried...

 The safety pin- but I tossed that after getting stuck a couple of times in my sleep deprived state of mind.

Old garage sale stickers- but they kept falling off.  (P.S.- PC made an offer but that business is closed until further notice!)

Writing on the breast pad, which I thought was pretty clever until it became really inconvenient when there wasn't a pen around!

The Bobby (aka Booby) Pin- most fashionable but most uncomfortable. 

Really, we just try one out and if it's not getting the job done, we go to the other side.  

No, I'm not doing this perfectly, but he's still getting a Happy Meal:]