The following is a recent email conversation with another IF sister that I know IRL. She went through IVF a few years ago and it didn't work. My heart hurt to type the words "I'm expecting" and hurt when I got the response because I want this so badly for her too. I'm posting the conversation here because our words to each other would be so foreign to those who never had trouble conceiving. But it's as if we spoke back and forth in true IF language and I will always remember what it was like to get to this point and that I have friends through the blog world and IRL who are still fighting and how much I want you/them to WIN.
Me: Hi B! I wasn't sure if you had heard the news that I'm expecting. I wanted to tell you that we went through IVF this past spring... I only had 5 eggs... 4 fertilized... 2 normally (none to freeze) and one stuck! It's hard to send this to someone who I want the same outcome for so badly on this journey that we didn't ask for. I know you will still be happy for me... not holding a baby yet, but closer than ever to beating infertility.
M! No, I hadn't heard! I must say, I'm glad to hear it from YOU! I know it's hard to share with someone who deals with infertility but I'm so glad you did and of course I'm happy for you! I'm glad you only had to go through IVF once. It's not the most enjoyable experience is it? We still have 5 frozen embryos...as I was so friendly reminded when the "storage" bill arrived recently. Not sure when we'll go through the process to use them...time is running out (turned 38 this summer....ugh.) In the meantime, we've recently begun paperwork to adopt from China. The wait is really long, but our hearts our led to see it through. Back to your good news....please take care of yourself, enjoy, breathe deeply, and take in every precious moment. You deserve it and are going to be such a great mom!!!
Me: Thank you! I couldn't have gone through IVF more than once financially, physically or emotionally so I'm certainly counting my blessings. I missed so much work and my backside is still sore from the progesterone shots that ended 8 weeks ago! People think that IVF always works the first time and results in boy/girl twins, so far from the truth! We just got a bill yesterday for the back-up (required) sample of frozen sperm... people just DON'T know! It's not that I want anyone to experience it, but some level of understanding and sensitivity from the fertile myrtles would be nice. I'm excited to hear about the adoption process and I will pray that it happens sooner than later for you! Just know that you have a supporter here and I will be celebrating when I get the same update from you!!!
Eek...haven't had those progesterone shots in a while, but I can feel your pain...literally! And I think it hurts our husbands as much as it hurts us! You are so right that people just don't know. One year when we had several pregnancies here, someone said to me, "you should drink from the water fountains." REALLY? I can't even respond when people say stuff like that because I'm so dumbfounded and speechless. I could go on and on about comments from the fertile myrtles, but I won't. I'm sure you've heard it all, too!
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I can only imagine how hard it is to tell another infertile that you got pregnant and on the first IVF try when theirs failed. I don't think there is an easy way to say it. You were right, she is deeply happy for you to be off the rollercoaster and enjoying almost having your child, but still hurts herself hearing the news.
None of this ever gets easier huh?
What a great exchange. I'm sure she's super thankful that she received that news from someone so understanding. There is no good way to break that news and you handled it beautifully.
the power of the friendship between infertiles is immeasurable. thanks for sharing.
Thanks for sharing! I've recently lost a couple of my IF friends (not by my choice) because their IVF's worked. They recently contacted me and said it was just too awkward to still talk to me. They didn't know what to say. This really hurt me as I felt it was kind of selfish ... Here I am needing them more than ever and they chose to abandon me because it was too hard on them. Really?!?!?!?
Anyways, sorry for the rant...but I really commend you for sharing this with your friend with sensitivity. A true friend is the greatest gift of all when going through something like this and your friend is really lucky to have YOU!
Oh how fantastic! I've been on the receiving end of a fellow IFer giving me her news, and she wasn't nearly as sensitive as you are. So awesome that you two had such a lovely exchange. :D
It's nice to celebrate w/others that you know in real life from the IF world. I still keep in touch w/some of the girls from the infertility support group I was in.
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