Prayer

Several weeks ago, our pastor said that his heart was heavy and he wanted to pray for some very specific situations that some of us were going through... one was couples who were having trouble conceiving.  Two other couples went forward and PC and I responded as well.  In that moment, I was thinking "why would we refuse extra prayers and support" but it was very hard to expose something so personal with that many people.  

Today, I received this e-mail:

 Hi,

Just wanted to let you know that the Lord has answered our prayers and I am pregnant and due September 9!!!  I have been walking around in complete shock for a couple of weeks. :0) Thank you for your prayers and support.  Know that we will continue to pray for you and ----. I know the pain and frustration of hearing yet another person is pregnant, but I also know deep down in my heart that he has a plan that will surpass even your wildest dreams for you and your family.  If there is one thing that I have learned through all of this is that He is in control even when I didn't want Him to be or think He was.   I finally had to accept that His plan for me was good even if it wasn't my plan.  Now, I can't wait to see how He will answer your prayers.  :0) 

 P.S.  Please keep praying that we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby when the time comes.  I am trying not to worry to much.  :0)

I think it is very sweet of her to personally e-mail me.  Only someone who has faced infertility would understand how thoughtful that is.  When anyone in the infertile-blogosphere announces a pregnancy, I cheer and celebrate with them.  So why is my heart so heavy right now when this is a precious friend who has fought the same battle?  I couldn't reply to her.  My fingers wouldn't move to type words of celebration because my heart couldn't go there.  I feel selfish.  I feel broken.  I want this to be her time and I want her to have a healthy, happy baby but I want it too.  For the other two families who exposed our pain that day... we also want that answered prayer.  

ICLW... welcome to Mac and PC!

This is my first time participating in ICLW and I'm excited to be able to leave and receive some comments from some new people as well as those on my blog list (some of which I still have not left comments, sorry... hopefully that will soon change).  

Why Mac and PC?  Our pseudo-blog names simply come from who thinks they have the better operating system.  

As far as computers go, of course I think I win!  As far as my reproductive operating system, I'm failing miserably:[  We've been TTC for 5 1/2 years with nothing but a B.F.N. to show for it.  I am anovulatory and have a partially blocked left tube.  My latest test results leave the RE to believe that I am borderline premature ovarian failure (gulp).  In three days, I will start suppressing the ovaries (they should be good at that) with Lupron to get our first IVF cycle going!  I have had a couple of acupuncture appointments recently and plan to time another one later in the IVF cycle.  It's one among many things on the list of "yes, I've tried it" that just makes me feel better, so why not!  I am a few months away from the dreaded 35, and you know what they say about that... but since when did infertility stop us from what we say?  I We say that it IS our time for two pink (or blue) lines:]  I wish everyone a happy ending in this journey that none of us asked for... thanks for letting me join in the ranting, shouting, crying, supporting, praying, hoping, cheering, and helping that takes place in the blog world.  Let me know if you are a new follower so that I can find and follow you too!  

P.S.  I've apologized recently for anything negative I might say due to several days ON progesterone and OFF of caffeine, but thankfully everyone here completely understands!

Meds & Money

Just taking progesterone here and sorting out the massive amount of medications!  

I've been taking the progesterone at night so my mean-ness seems to be reserved more for the night than during the day, yay?!?  PC says I even kicked him out of bed last night, which I really don't remember.  I do remember being very dizzy!    

By the way, the instructions read:  
Take 2 Capsules Every Evening For 12 Days.  Insert One Capsule Vaginally the AM of Embryo Transfer. Someone please enlighten me and forgive me for asking about a TMI topic...but seriously?  I don't get it.   I take 24 of these lovely capsules the way I would normally take medicine and then #25 gets to go on a field trip?  The shots sound a lot easier to me.  In and Out.  But #25 is causing me to have a lot of how...why... really... then what thoughts!  This also doesn't tell me whether this takes place before or after the ET.  Hmmm..... 

On the homefront... we sold our Jeep Wrangler yesterday.  I've never really had any attachments to a vehicle but I sure did love that Jeep!  PC and I are doing a "snowball debt diet" where we pay off smaller debt then put that payment towards bigger debt etc.  The Jeep was a big expense that was not helping us with that plan.  The only "big ticket" debt we have is our mortgage and my college loans, but there are some smaller things that keep us from having financial freedom.  If IVF works, we want to be in a better place financially... and a Jeep really wouldn't be the best vehicle for transporting baby(ies) would it?  I have to keep playing those thoughts in my head because all I can think about is how much fun I had driving this...

 

Can't wait to get caught up on some blog reading this evening but right now I'm off to soak up some sunshine (finally) and clean up our basement:] 

A PLAN!

It makes me so happy to type that blog post title!  Today, PC and I traveled to the RE's office (1 1/2 hour drive with decent traffic) to get my progesterone level checked and to get our calendar, a.k.a. plan!
                                                   Exhibit A

I was actually given two calendars.  One if my progesterone was too low and another if my progesterone was normal.  Of course, nothing about my system can be normal so it's 12 days of progesterone for me.  I add Lupron to that next week and, if AF shows according to Nurse LLD's calculations, retrieval and transfer would be the third week in March.  I think the first week of Spring would be very fitting:]

PC said "oh, no" when I told him I'll be on progesterone for 12 days.  He asked if he needed to go borrow his parents' camper, which I only half-way laughed about because that drug does turn me into the devil!  What is in it?!?  I think the voodoo!!!  The last time I took it, I fussed at PC about something and pulled out a cigarette going down the road and told him I just needed to smoke.  That might have been okay IF I SMOKED!   I don't.  A co-worker had left a pack in my car when I gave her a ride and I hadn't given them back yet, so I pulled one out but couldn't get it lit... which also made me mad.  PC asked, "what have you done with my wife?"  Then I cried.  This would all make you laugh if you knew me IRL and I'm wondering if I should go ahead and apologize for whatever might come across this blog the next 12 days!

Lastly, PC and I usually eat (cheap) take out in the living room so we were pretty impressed with ourselves for creating a Mac & PC Valentine's Dinner of steak, potatoes, asparagus, rolls & no bake cheesecake in our very own dining room with our wedding china that we have.never.used...in 6 years...anyway, we had a great time and this might become a new tradition.  We would be more than happy to have a baby to share it with... even if it means calling in a pizza and using paper plates to make things easier!  

P.S.  Note the glass of water with an orange slice.  I'm trying all of these flavor suggestions and am happy to report that flavored water is not so bad... not sweet tea... but liking it more each day:]

To: PC

Dear P.rince C.harming,
In our quest to bring a little Mac or PC into the world, we decided not to buy gifts this Valentine’s Day as we are in this season of saving & paying!  Instead, we are content with giving each other a card and having a nice meal together at home this evening.  (I can’t wait!)  However, this blog post doesn’t cost a dime so please accept it as an additional gift because I won’t ever get tired of telling the world how much I love you.  My idea of romance is not all about flowers or chocolates.  It’s about how you crank my car every morning so that it’s warm for me, how you still reach for my hand on our dates, how you have taken on the laundry and so many other major things that keep our household afloat, the way you help people and (this may be #1) how you bring me warm socks when I complain about my feet being cold!  Even though I try to play it off sarcastically, I love that you know the answers to so many facts about random topics.  I hope our future child gets your PC-ipedia  memory!!!  I love that you are still showing your nieces that a getting-closer-to-40-year-old (sorry, it's a backhanded compliment) can easily turn upside down flips on the trampoline!

I am so truly blessed that you are my partner in this life.  You make me very happy!  Since this blog was created about us trying to bring a child into this world, let me say shout that I hope it happens because the world is missing out without a mini PC:]  Happy Valentine’s Day.  I love you!  Miss Mac