Blogging on the Backburner

Blogging has been on the backburner here lately because somewhere around week 8, my energy level dropped to near zero and exhaustion has taken over.  No wonder there is a nesting stage... it's needed to get everything back in order from doing next to nothing!  Bring it on!  Last week was filled with busy days at work and crashing in the evening.  I have at least been attempting to read and comment on your blogs before my nightly crash. 

I had five years and nine months to think about how I would treat a pregnancy... do exactly as the doctor said, eat tons of fresh fruits and veggies, only drink water, etc.  Give me a Big Fat "F!"  My prenatal vitamins started to bring on the gag reflex last week so I skipped two days until finally resorting to Flinstones, childhood old faithful.  (I checked with the doctor- take two and add DHA, good to go!)  I've developed aversion to water, seriously.  I was doing so good and all of a sudden, I want anything but H2O!  I still order it when we go out but I'm having way more juice and sprite than I should.  The good news about my eating?  I want nothing to do with sweets, unless you can count gum and an occasional piece of candy.  But let's look at today and you will cringe... butter biscuit with grape jelly for breakfast, soup, sandwich and salad for lunch (not so bad), fast food fish sandwich (gross!) and fries for supper and cantaloupe and cottage cheese for an evening snack.  This is the best I can do for my miracle baby?  Miracle baby, by the way, has sprung a tiny little set of arms and legs that we saw yesterday on our "stalking the ob/gyn to get an ultrasound before he goes on vacation" visit.  PC said he/she looked like Casper the Ghost and the ob/gyn agreed.  I prefer they not refer to this precious little being as a ghost, but at least it was in reference to a friendly one!!! 

The past four years, we've "ran" on Mother's Day weekend... a quick get away and time spent with each other.  This year we stayed home (partly due to our depleted savings) went to church, napped and ate dinner with PC's family.  My mom, grandma, and two close friends told me "Happy Mother's Day" and it just felt weird.  Yes, I'm closer to being a mom than I ever have been but it still sounded like they were speaking to me in a foreign language.  Surreal.  At work, there were several "Happy Mother's Day" mass e-mails and my heart still hurt and it still felt like a sting.   It doesn't go away.  On the hormonal flip side, PC said and did absolutely nothing and I let that hurt my feelings.  We're in unchartered territory and I guess I thought it would have been an appropriate day for him to at least say he was excited.  The only indication PC has given me that he is excited is when he put our first ultrasound picture as the background on his cell phone, replacing a picture of his favorite president.  Men just process and respond to situations differently, I should know that by now!
Hope everyone is having a great week!

OB/GYN Mission: Accomplished

You ladies are right, sometimes we just have to take control and if it requires stalking the ob/gyn, that's what it takes!
Dr. B6 (my 3rd times a charm ob/gyn since TTC) called me back before lunch today.  He is full of enthusiasm and energy and empathy... I need him!  I gave him the short version of our IVF cycle and told him that I really wanted at least two more ultrasounds through the first trimester.  He said that would be no problem and if insurance didn't cover one of them, he would!  I told him that the protocol that we were still following from the RE included PIO, estrogen patches and no sex...yet.  He made it clear that he would follow that protocol and said that our first time being intimate since this process started may be difficult but it would be important for us as a couple.   He said it's as if we would be-----are you ready for this----- revirginated emotionally.  It was such a serious conversation but that phrase made me want to lol.  I had to write it down on my calendar to remember to tell PC.  PC agrees with Dr. B6 that it is very important that we reconnect in that way as soon as we can.  Of course. Truth be told, if we were given the "green light" tomorrow I still don't think it would happen for a little while longer anyway.  Anyways, I now have ultrasounds scheduled for weeks 9 and 11 so mission accomplished! 

I'm feeling pretty good right now.  When I'm hungry, I'm hungry!  I've been keeping crackers and nuts in my desk and in the car for those moments.  During weeks 4-6, I could eat anything, had little or no nausea and tender bbs but tolerable.  During weeks 6-8, I only want to eat certain foods, nausea comes and goes (but no running to the bathroom), the bbs are pretty much back to normal...maybe a little bigger, yippee!  What I'm really loving this week... Mayfield Sour Popsicles!  I wish it were fruit instead but maybe that will be next week.  Shouldn't fruit flavors count for something??? 

Introducing...

A future Mac fan, don't you think?  

When we got to the waiting room, Ms. Hateful Hurry u/s tech called another patient back and PC and I literally whispered "oh no" at the same time.  She turned our way and I was really hoping she hadn't just heard us!  I don't think so because, to our suprise and delight, she was patient and NICE!  

I told PC before the appointment "I can't see anything so as soon as you see the heartbeat, but ONLY when you see it for sure, give me a thumbs up!"  So, I got in the position and turned my head to PC.  He had his thumb in the middle... waiting, waiting... it went up a little, then back to the middle... finally- thumbs up!  Note to fellow IVF'ers, this wasn't the best idea I ever had.  Those seconds felt like hours!  

The u/s tech gave us the measurements and then she turned on the doppler.  Omg.  The first time, I didn't hear anything but the wahh wahh of the machine, but today it was bump bump bump... 167 bmp of music to our ears!  

Oh, I don't think I've shared that I have good luck prenatal panties!  Maybe I shouldn't share that, but too late.   They are VS gray with little sparkles and I have worn them (no worries, always clean) to retrieval, transfer and both ultrasounds.  I do realize they come off before each procedure but I take some comfort in always having the same undies ready for each trip to the RE.  It's like I pull them out of the drawer and it gives me some kind of "we can get through another milestone" self-talk moment.  What will I do when they no longer fit?!?    I digress...

We graduated today!  They release patients at 8 weeks so now the only thing left of our clinic is the estrogen patches, PIO shots, the bill and (let's not forget) one little Mac or PC!  On the way home, I called to set up my first appointment with the ob/gyn.  They gave me this or that reason why the next available appointment isn't until four weeks away... no way people!  Later, I called back and left a message for the ob/gyn to give me a call.  If he hasn't called by tomorrow afternoon, I will call him back.  I am not opposed to ob/gyn stalking!  I only want to ask him for VIP treatment through the first trimester.  I need to tell him, "the RE got me pregnant, now please help keep me that way!"

We just feel so fortunate right now but the fears keep hanging on.  We keep pushing back the timeline for telling everyone beyond our immediate family, a few close friends and our pastor.  We're at 8 weeks and I've told PC, let's wait until the 10 week u/s.  At that time, I will probably say let's wait until 12.  I clearly have seen and heard the heartbeat and have the pictures of this little living being within me... why am I doing this?  When will I truly believe that this is our time for a miracle that we've so waited and prayed for? 

Quick Post

Saturday morning is starting out nice with a buttery blueberry muffin and blog catching up!  It's a beautiful day in the southeast.  PC is outside with his iPod blasting while he works on home improvement projects.  We are very lucky that our community was spared from the recent tornadoes as so many of our neighboring states were not so lucky.  We have a basement with a storage area that also serves as a storm shelter and I'm glad we have it but hope we never have to use it for that reason!

In pregnancy news, we're two days away from ultrasound #2.  If all goes well, it will most likely be my last appointment with the RE.  I have a blog friend who was at the same point of graduating from the RE when she was given the devastating news that they couldn't find a hearbeat.  Please send Angie some support.  This is especially heartbreaking news in the lives of those who battle IF.  Thinking about you Angie!



 

Telling Family

This weekend we let family in on our little secret.  It was the perfect weekend because we had family dinners on both Saturday and Sunday.  We told both sets of parents by giving them an Easter card with our first ultrasound picture in the back.   The inside said "Happy Easter and Merry Christmas!"

PC's parents got teary and told us they were very happy for us.  BIL gave me a hug and our nieces were wide eyed and had the "really/are you serious" reaction.  It was sweet.  There were some aunts, uncles and cousins there and everyone was genuinely excited for us. 


Today, on Easter, was the day to tell my mom.  I am an only child.  I was raised by a single mom.  Those who know her, love her.  She is the life of the party and you just don't mess with her friends or family.  I think most of her lively spirit skipped me.  The last concert I went to was Ray Stevens (another story for another time) and the last one my mom went to was Kid Rock.  Case in point.  She is a breast cancer survivor and lives life to the fullest.  All that said, I am her baby and she has never been shy about making it known that she wants a grandbaby!  Even before PC and I were married, she started talking about "when I have grandbabies" this and that.  After two or three years had passed I made it known that it might not be in our future.  She started blaming herself for my infertility... something about taking medicine for nausea while she was pregnant with me.  I told her it was not her fault that I had lazy ovaries!  Most of the baby talk subsided... until today... we were all at my grandparents house and had just surprised them with a get away trip for their birthday.  I took a card over to my mom and told her "Happy Easter" and she said "awww...thanks." I gave her the same card that we gave PC's parents and my mom was a little slow, lol.  She said "why does this say Merry Christmas?" I had drawn an arrow to the next page and told her to keep looking.  She stared, put her head closer to the card like she needed to see it real close, then started bawling out loud.  I mean loud, happy sobs.  PC caught the whole thing on his cell phone.  It was so cute... she was sitting on the loveseat and her legs started pumping up and down during the sobs.  Everyone was like, "what did you write in that card?"  She showed the card to my aunt, then she started crying, then my granny... then the hugs.  My cousin had brought a friend with him to dinner today who none of us really knew and my mom went up to him and said "I'm gonna be a grandma."  So funny.  It was very, very special.  She told me I would never have to buy a single diaper.  PC was like "oh yeah!"  I don't know that my mom would want her pic out on blogland but here is one of many with her mouth open in an "omg" way.  I gave her the Grandmother Willow Tree Angel in the gift bag. 

It felt good.  Contagious, optimistic joy that PC and I needed a good dose of.  We told both families that we only want to share the news with family right now and we would appreciate their prayers.  We told them it's early and the next couple of weeks will be especially important.

Here is my short and simple Easter prayer and if anyone is reading this and feels led, please just tell God you second my prayer:]

Dear God- Thank you for this Easter Sunday and the promise of new life.  Thank you for this little miracle baby who is so loved already.  Please let his or her heart keep beating strong.  Please let him or her keep growing safely within me.  Amen.   

For those reading who are still in the trenches of infertility and waiting on a BFP, I want you all to have a day like this.  I can't wait to celebrate with you!