NICU- Part 2/Final Thoughts

Our baby was in the NICU before his second day in the world.  That was when I wrote this post and asked for prayers... and they worked!

I had no idea what NICU really meant before we had a baby.  Babies were getting special care...that was my only reference.   Now I wish it had been discussed when we toured labor & delivery or that the ob/gyn would have talked to us a little more about it.  I guess they don't want to cause any undue stress.  If any mom-to-be is reading this, please read through as someone who is sharing what I wish had been shared with me.  It is not my intention to scare anyone but to inform and provide support.

Babies are in NICU for so many different reasons... ours because his spit up concerned the L&D nurse and they did some blood work and it showed signs of an infection.  If your baby has to go to NICU, possibly... you will see him or her hooked up to a machine and an IV on his/her arm or head (we started with an IV in the arm, but it leaked after a couple of days and the next one was put in his head... although it broke my heart, our baby was so much happier with the IV in his head and his arm free...the nurse explained how those veins are actually better for babies).  You probably won't get to be with your baby 24/7 as you will be receiving care from having a baby and (in our hospital) two hours were reserved for shift change and no visitors.  You will cry.  You will work so hard to get to your baby and brushing your teeth becomes a big accomplishment.  You will have many questions... can I hold him/her, feed him/her, what happens next, etc.  You will dream of being at home with your little one.

I went from extreme elation to extreme deflation in a matter of hours.  I was scared, worried and broken-hearted for what my son was going through. It's hard for any parent, but for an IF mama with an IVF baby, I don't have to tell you how my heart ached to take a baby home.  I had a lot to learn.  Now... here's the part why I hope you are still reading...

You will make it.  Your baby will be in the care of some of the most phenomenal people you have ever met, they are called NICU nurses, or angels would fit as well.  They will answer your questions.   They will encourage you and let you hold your baby (and feed if possible).  They will offer kleenex and an understanding look when you cry.  They remind you to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your baby.  They will color pictures for him and make sure that his every need is met.

 
We were lucky and I learned to be grateful.  Our son was home after 5 days... I met a mom in the elevator who was going on week 13.  I asked, How are you doing it?  And her response was something similar to- How do you not?  Those parents live. survive. and God- willing take home a healthy baby, which is the number one goal of NICU!

There was a NICU favorite baby while we were there, Baby J, who (by overhearing a caseworker talking to a nurse) I learned that rarely got visits from his mom and had been there four MONTHS.  I wanted to take him home with us too.  

On Tuesday night, PC and I had a "date" in the hospital cafeteria during no visitor time.  PC was talking about how you loved someone so much that you had only known a short amount of time and (this might only make sense to Twi.light fans) I said "Awwww, we've imprinted!"  PC (totally out of character) said "I should smack you right now for comparing our baby to some hormone-filled vampire/werewolf character!"  And that was the first laugh in 48 hours.  It helped.  A lot.   

Our H was a true little fighter.  By Wednesday, all levels were back to normal range and we were ready to "room in" with him.  They have a special room for families who are taking home their baby the next day.  It looked like a penthouse suite to us... it looked better than that!

I hope that you do not have a NICU experience but, if you do, know that those are special people who share your goal of taking a healthy baby HOME.  You're already a fighter through the IF journey and you will be a fighter for your baby too! 

5 beds, one baby

You have all these visions and plans in your head about how things are going to work out when baby is home.  Never say never!  Hence, the sleeping situation!  
Plan... he is going to sleep in the pack and play (bed #1) every night with the monitor on and all blankets off.  Good plan, but he doesn't sleep that way.  So he ends up in your arms and you both sleep hours at a time, warm and snugly, on and off the boob buffet as baby so desires.  After a few days weeks everything in your head says this isn't a good habit and not to mention how unsafe it is according to the experts and research.  Obviously, grandma doesn't like it either so she buys a little cosleeper basket (#2) that goes in the bed.  But baby doesn't sleep and DH and I lose much more sleep trying to fit in the few inches of bed that's left.  So he ends up in your arms and you both sleep hours at a time, warm and snugly, on and off the boob buffet as baby so desires.  Grandma researches and reads about a cosleeper that attaches to the bed (#3) and she wants to buy it.  Agree to try.  DH puts it together and it's no different than the pack and play except that one side rolls down... but it does not extend the bed like we thought.  So DH takes it apart and puts it back in the box (with one or two obscenities along the way).  The original bassinet (#4) in our room that we borrowed from SIL?  A make-shift changing area.  If this baby can't at least see you through mesh, there is no sleeping.  The crib (#5)?  That's a whole other transition to the other side of the house that I am not ready for.  He does like to lay in it, but only wide awake.  
So, the latest plan is to move the pack and play into our bedroom and try to get baby to make it to the first feeding before ending up beside me.  Do I get credit for at least having a plan?  Why do I feel so bad and guilty for a decision that brings hours of sleep and makes me and baby both happy?  Because I also think about the "what if" dangers and the habit that's already looking hard to break and that PC and I need to snuggle too... we have got to start reconnecting (another post for another day).  But I also am not in favor of a whole night of "crying it out" or losing so much sleep that I have nothing left to be able to give him the best care possible the next day. 

Update:  I started this post yesterday.  Baby made it through about one hour in the pack and play.  He was fussy and we kept putting the pacifier back in until the full cry came.  PC says at least it's a start... tonight we'll try for an hour and a half... baby steps:]  Any words of wisdom appreciated unless you are going to side with grandma.  Just kidding.  We are trying to transition but, again, I've learned sometimes you will do what you have to do... so sad to be moving him (okay, and me too) from our happy place! 

Pack and play, great at Christmas for staring at the tree!

In-bed cosleeper and bassinet on other side.  Picture fools you- this is a 5 minute nap!

PC putting the other cosleeper back in the box, as good as a sport about it as he could be!

Crib, great for watching the aquarium!

Mom, snoozing away! 

Crayons on the wall... already?

Not quite.  But we do have a big mess on our hands, literally! 

If you haven't had to deal with the lovely thrush, consider yourself very lucky!  If you have, you probably know about genetian violet.  It's purple topical stuff that I put on my boobs and it ends up in my baby's mouth... but it is said to be one of the most effective treatments of thrush.  We want to get rid of this nasty thrush because there is no freezing or storing breastmilk while it's active and because it causes white spots in my baby's mouth.
Anywho...
this morning PC took the baby for the  6 a.m. diaper change and he started yelling.  I jumped up and yelled "is the baby okay?"  He said "yes, but help!"  Someone (me)- who has a big case of baby brain (if it's any kind of excuse) left the lid open on the genetian violet and then someone else (PC- who really can't be blamed but is just a little bit guilty by association) accidently knocked it over.  A full bottle.  Of stuff that comes with Internet warnings like this: 
"Gentian violet is a powerful staining agent. Stains can be removed, but it's important to act quickly. The longer that nasty stuff sets, the harder it will be to remove."
Understatement.  PC worked quickly to save the hardwood while I made a sad attempt to wipe the cabinets, while listening to a screaming baby with a dirty diaper.  Finally I said "I've got to take care of the baby" and the rest was left to PC.  Good news?  He saved the hardwood!  Bad news?  He's out buying paint right now for the built-ins.  We tried rubbing alcohol and the other Internet suggestion was Vodka, but we've been fresh out of that for nine months now!  
One day it will be funny.  But not today.  Today, we are sick of PURPLE!     
Here...

and here...

and here...

 And I would post a picture of PC's purple feet but he is presently out buying paint.  He took the cabinet door to the store to match up the paint and I'm wondering if he's having to explain to the sales guy that it is a purple stain that his wife uses to paint her nipples.

Okay, maybe we will go ahead and laugh!!!

TVT

I'm joining in on TVT and it's not going to be pretty, but that's the point, right?  I need it today!

Here it is... I'm feeling a little lot resentful of the differences in mommy and daddy duties.  Hormones?  Lack of sleep?  Could there be a little Lupron left in my system? 

Disclaimer:  I am loving every single minute of this sweet time with our precious miracle!  
But when PC gets home, I'm asking "can I get a bath" "can I have a minute to eat" "can I go to the bathroom." DH does all of those things and can get a haircut too!  Y'all should see my hair...both colors:[  Over the weekend, I ventured to the grocery store for 1 hour and made sure it was a time when baby would be satisfied and food was ready if not.  PC said "I'll call our niece if I need help."  I'm not sure if he was joking or not but my expression was you must be joking!  PC is a champ when it comes to diaper changes and laundry and all of my requests of "can you get this or that."  He gets up for the 5:30 diaper change and makes sure that I can get a shower in the morning before he leaves for work.  He goes to every appointment and is very much in love with this baby.  He was my hero in the hospital and through the NICU experience and I still want to post about that when I can let my mind go there again.  I shouldn't even be thought-vomiting about this, but my vision of more 50-50 baby care in the evenings just doesn't seem possible with breastfeeding.  I adore this baby, I adore my sweet PC... but I just want to be able to use the bathroom without yelling "give me one more minute" because baby is crying in the next room and I feel bad for baby and dad. 

There, TVT out.       

Funny Firsts

I can start a post while breast feeding too, loving the iPhone! Any suggestions of apps you can't live without? 

Pictures- The photographer who did the newborn pictures came to our home when Hampton was nine days old.  We just weren't ready to get him out of the house yet so she was super sweet to accommodate us!  From this point on, we will just rely on mom's picture-taking skills since we can't afford frequent professional pictures (that money is still going on the IVF loan!)  I love the naked newborn pics but PC thinks they make our little man look a little too pretty (he doesn't share my awwhhh so sweet thoughts) so I need to add some "little man" pics for daddy!

How about this one?  This makes me laugh every time!  Anytime our little guy sees something or does something new, his eyes get huge... then he decides if he likes it or not... then whether to cry or not. 

Something else that makes me laugh.  (Background- One of the nurses in the NICU gave our baby a pacifier during the night.  I wasn't sure that we were even going with the pacifier but when I saw him hooked up to those IV's and getting comfort from the paci, I was fine with it.)  So, H only likes one kind of pacifier and it's as big as his face.  It goes almost out, then he quickly sucks it back in.  You can see his little mouth from the other side, warms my heart!   

Today we celebrated with our one month old by eating out at the W.affle H.ouse... maybe we'll go somewhere a little fancier for his one year old birthday but (again) we're still paying for IVF! 
To baby- This might be a clue that we are new parents... we didn't know where to put you!  I'm a little embarrassed to admit I asked the cook "where do people put the car seats" and he proceeded to say that he thought it would fit on an upside down high chair.  That didn't work so we kind've wedged you between the table and back seat of the booth... there weren't many people eating there or we would have made someone laugh for sure!  We are learning!  Love you oh so much and can't wait to see what the next month brings!!!