separation anxiety is not cool

We have had a generally easygoing baby the first year who has adapted well to new surroundings or around new people.

 So, wth happened in month 13?!?

We have left LB in a couple of church nurseries only to check on him and find him crying to the point of catching his breath.  Not cool. 

When someone comes around these days that he doesn't recognize, he buries his head into mine or PC's shoulder and makes a "grrrr" noise.  Not cool, slightly embarrassing. 

He is happy in new places and situations... as long as no one speaks to him.  Mom and Dad are saying "Grrr!"

I have no idea what to do except hope this is a phase and get through it!

As a consequence, I am increasing his chores:]  

Monday Snapshot- Staying Warm

This picture just cracks me up!  You know that scene from A Christmas Story where the younger brother is too bundled up and cries "Mom, I can't put my arms down!"  This is the baby-toddler version!  We went to a theme park over the holidays and had just pulled inside a store to warm up a bit in the pic below.  It was c-o-l-d outside but LB enjoyed the sights and sounds under his two layers, hat, scarf, coat and blanket!

SAHM... if I had the choice

Live to work or work to live?  I used to think I knew which one was me and I am surprised that I am questioning it a lot lately.

We are in the situation that I don't have a choice, but I never thought I would want one.  If people IRL knew of these thoughts they would ask, where is Ms. Mac and what have you done with her!  Wow, how life and perspective can change so quickly.  Do not get me wrong.  I know that stay-at-home is work-at-home and there are good days and not so good days, but home really is where my heart is these days.  I feel guilty being away.  I feel like I am missing out at a crucial time.    

Then I think about how fortunate I am to have the job situation that I do and that I went to college for years- and years- because this was is my dream.  I worked so hard to get it.  Why am I even thinking otherwise?   

One thing that has been really hard is that before I became a mom, I worked a minimum of 50 hours a week there and several more at home.  I have since cut back to 40 hours and am scrambling during the day to find ways to make up for those hours and not take work home.  I was always one of the first cars in the parking lot and one of the last to leave.  Trying to now find more balance leaves me feeling inadequate in so many areas.

These days those last thirty minutes of the work day my mind has already gone home, to those little hands that wrap around my neck and that big smile that greets me.  To see what kind of day he has had.  To hear "mama."  

I just thought that returning from maternity leave would get- as everyone said- easier each day.  It has not.  Every holiday and break, it gets harder.

Last payment on...

... our child!  Yay, we have a receipt and he will not be returned and/or exchanged:]  

I guess in some ways parents are always paying on/for their children but this is the last payment on a loan just to get him into the world!

But worth it?  You better bet your E-I-E-I (extra E-I)-O on it! 

Once an infertile...

I have a boatload of diagnosis related to IF.  In fact, here it is for the blog world to see as written by my RE:

(Miss Mac) is a patient at the (E. Reproductive Center).  She is a 33 year old PO woman with a history of anovulation, endometritis, simple endometrial hyperplasia, unilateral tubal disease and Asherman's syndrome.  She has undergone 8 clomiphene citrate, 3 letrazole and 2 IUI cycles.  She underwent laparoscopy hysteroscopy in 2009 and had correction of the uterine scarring at that time.  Her recent blood work at the ERC demonstrate diminished ovarian reserve with an antral follicle count of 10 and elevated estradiol.  Due to the number of prior failed ovulation induction cycles and diminished ovarian reserve, we have recommended IVF.   
 
One IVF cycle and one precious baby boy later- thank you ERC- you did something amazing with a very messed up reproductive system!

(By the way, can I blame baby-brain or should I know the acronym PO?  The first thing that came to mind was Pissed Off and, although true when it comes to IF, I don't think that fits this particular dx.)

The original purpose for this post was to say that I think I had a smidgen of hope that since my body did this amazing thing that maybe the hormones would straighten out.  I don't even have to ovulate since we are done with ART, but I just was hoping for a once a month cycle that had some sense of normalcy to it.

Not ovulating, for me, means AF starts and she never stops and she is outright hateful about it.  One RE explained it to me that I have too much of one hormone and not enough of the other, so it's like always having a foot on the accelerator and not the brake.  I will spare you the details but what most of my IRL friends describe as a bad AF is the norm here.

So when AF started before well before Christmas and was still here for the new year, I said hello to someone I am not very fond of.

 I can tell you how this will go.  This will trade AF for nausea, neither of which is desirable but one zaps me more than the other and I need all the energy that I can get these days!  Then for the next cycle we will have a repeat unless I get more BCP, which leads me to have thoughts of a hysterectomy going through my mind.  Even the thought puts a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach.  Even if we are done with family building, it just seems like a door slamming rather than one shutting.  And then to those that didn't get the choice or didn't get the one good egg, I will shut up.  And for you, my heart bursts and the tears flow and I want you to have the desires of your heart... please believe that. 

I want the new year to be full of love and laughter in our home and these messed up cycles, well, they just bring me and my family down with them.  I don't know exactly what that means for us and this post went all over the place, just like my hormones, and I appreciate anyone who read it through and listened. 

... always an infertile.