Reflection

Almost four years ago, I wrote this post...

I remember before we got married. We just knew and we spoke in future terms of "our kids" this and that. We introduced our friends and more than one has made the comment "I bet your kids are going to have big, blue eyes." So, just having one of those moments... when I wonder... what would our children look like? Would they have our blue eyes and blonde hair and fair skin? If someone asked me the hardest part of IF, I wouldn't say the shots or expense or procedures- it would have to be the "I Wonders..."

Last year around this time, I wrote this post...

Here lately I've been letting my mind and heart go to places that I've avoided for a long time. Like actually scanning the baby stuff in stores when I walk by, thinking of potential names, imagining ways to share the news of a BFP and saying hello again to those darn "I Wonders."

February 6, 2012

Dear Miss Mac,

You are sitting in a rocker in the nursery you dreamed about staring at the most beautiful baby boy, and he is yours.  He has the biggest, bluest eyes.  

He has stolen your heart in a way that never seemed possible.  Every day, you see God and thank God with this child in your arms. I don't know why you had to endure the path of infertility, countless disappointment and heartache for almost six years. But you fought.  The IVF cycle was hard...emotionally, physically, and financially...but you had five eggs and two that fertilized and one that stuck.    You were so lucky.  Don't ever forget to be grateful every single moment.  There are others who are still fighting the fight.  Don't forget that PC stood by your side every step of the way and took that journey with you.  He is one proud daddy and has big plans for all of the fun he is going to have with his son.  You have a new set of "I Wonders."   You wonder what plans God has for your little one's life.  You wonder if you and PC will raise him to be a man of faith and integrity.  You wonder if you're doing a good job and making the right decisions for him.  Love him.  Teach and guide him.  Let him learn from his mistakes.  And, even on the hardest days, remember that spot that was so empty in your heart because it now overflows with gratitude for your beautiful baby boy with those big blue eyes.

Love, 

someone you were never sure you would get to be... 

Mama. 

Breastfeeding Q&A (without the A!)

I think we've mastered the latch.  We're rid of the thrush.  We're pretty much on a schedule of every 2-3 hours unless we hit a growth spurt.  But inquiring minds want to know...

Where does my milk go at 11:30 a.m.?  Because it's usually absent for that feeding so we spend about an hour staring at the bb's with the two of us getting really frustrated. 

How much should I get when I pump?  Because I pump twice a day and get about 2-3 ounces (more or less) total.  That is not going to feed a baby all day long when I return to work.  Any supply, fresh or frozen, will be gone fast at this rate!

How much does an almost 8 week old eat?  He's a peeing, pooping, growing machine... all good signs right?   

How do I keep up with which side we should be on?  Because we have tried...

 The safety pin- but I tossed that after getting stuck a couple of times in my sleep deprived state of mind.

Old garage sale stickers- but they kept falling off.  (P.S.- PC made an offer but that business is closed until further notice!)

Writing on the breast pad, which I thought was pretty clever until it became really inconvenient when there wasn't a pen around!

The Bobby (aka Booby) Pin- most fashionable but most uncomfortable. 

Really, we just try one out and if it's not getting the job done, we go to the other side.  

No, I'm not doing this perfectly, but he's still getting a Happy Meal:]  

Newborn Stuff

Recently, I've commented on a couple of moms-to-be posts about things I would recommend for their registry.  I've decided to create a list here so that I can reference the link to respond to future posts for moms-to-be who ask for the advice.  If there is something any of you have that you can't live without, please leave it in the comments and we'll share from our experiences!

However, first I should say that every baby is different so what works for us and what our baby likes may not work for another sweet little personality-of-their-own bundle of joy:] 

If I had it to do over again, I would have included more of the practical items on the registry, like:
Diapers (all sizes, we prefer Huggies)
Wipes
Vaseline
Whatever you choose for rash treatment (we love some stuff called calazime that we get at a pharmacy- explosive poops and still have not had any diaper rash!!!  Knock on wood.)
Bath wash & lotions
Germ-x pumps for the changing table
Burp cloths or cheap packs of receiving blankets or cloth diapers (these can handle all kinds of baby  messes and if you get enough of them, you will not have a hard time throwing away one that gets covered in poo... or two... or three)
Storage containers- I didn't put anything like this on the registry but now I'm buying them to store diapers, newborn clothes we want to keep, etc.
Board books (actually, these are good to find and just wipe down from consignment sales or passed along from friends)
Baby clothes hangers
Changing table covers, pack-n-play sheets and crib sheets (seems like they are in the wash non-stop)
Baby detergent

I wouldn't put any kind of clothes, onesies, stuffed animals or blankets on the list... these seem to be the things that everyone wanted to buy.  We got four piggy banks!  

Big items we love:
AngelCare Monitor
Swing (one of the best yardsale purchases yet... although the kind that plug in seem pretty nice as we've had to change the batteries already)
Vibrating/bouncy chair
Fisher Price Rock & Play Sleeper
Pack-n-Play
Chicco Keyfit 30 travel system
Chicco caddy  (This has been money well spent!  It weighs 11 lbs and our car seat clicks into it.  I can handle it by myself and there is storage room underneath for shopping or it also works well in restaurants so we're not constantly worried about putting him on top of the -dirty- upside down high chair!)

The Caddy- also comes in handy for riding around the house when you're not sure what else to do!

 There are a lot of things he has to get a little bigger for and I can't comment on (like a jumperoo or bumbo seat or toys) but some things that have been useful:
Hamper
Clock (helpful when pumping if my phone is not nearby)
Lamp
Night Light!!!
Glider rocker and some type of pillow for support if breastfeeding!!!
Towels & wash cloths
Some kind of mirror... our little guy loves to look in a mirror while he's being changed!
Some kind of musical aquarium or crib attachment
Bathtub with the mesh part on top
Diaper Genie & refills (PC's favorite because it's crazy how the poopy diaper smell disappears once you push it through the top!)
A keepsake or safe deposit box for all of those little "treasures" from the first year

"Little things" that I've found we've needed two or more for home, car and/or diaper bag:
Thermometer (hate the digital, it always tells us he has a fever... we like the regular underarm thermometer)
Nose syringe (the one from the hospital was great and it busted...have yet to find another good one for our very stuffy nose boy)
Nail clippers
Shades for the car
Backseat mirrors for the car
Mat for diaper changing (although most diaper bags come with one)
More Germ-x
And, as one of my girlfriends calls it... a Hooter Hider :]


It's hard to say about pacifiers, bottles and such... our baby has a preference for the round soothie pacifiers so I've given the others away.  Any bottles so far have been small disposable bottles.  We do use the drying rack frequently for pump parts and the disposable bottles.  

Things that our little guy just doesn't like (yet?)
Tummy time mat
Boppy pillow (which a lot of moms say is a must)
Play mat

Breastfeeding items would be a whole other post that I'm unable to do because we're still figuring that out day by day! 

Crazy the amount of STUFF that comes with a baby.  I'm trying to picture the car on our first vacation!  Really, all they need is food, diapers & love right? 

 

TVT

• Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus Baby Brain!  Forget knowing the date, what day of the week is it?  Does it go in the fridge or in the pantry?  Is it too, two or to?  Me:  "What's that thing in there that washes the dishes?"  PC:  "Ummm.... the dishwasher?"  Me:  "Oh, yeah."  If I could remember other crazy things I would post them here, but I can't remember anything!
• Grateful for a wonderful MIL and FIL.  But... a little aggravated with FIL that blue slippers with puppy dogs on them to keep my child's feet warm look "girly." 
• How in the world does something so small produce toots and and poops so HUGE?  
• What do we call "it" with a little boy?  I say we call it his pee pee and PC says that's too dainty.  He suggests it's the peter.  But what if that's a little boy's name in his class one day?  Decisions, decisions. 
• The sixth bed has arrived at our home this week.  

Why did I not know about this life saver?  Some swaddling & the dustbuster & the paci and we are getting half of the night without baby in the middle of us and half the night with baby---- ahhhhh, best of both worlds!!!  Well, the sleep is a little better after the dustbuster battery runs low!

• Got my hair highlighted this morning.  That hair made it through month nine, labor, birth, NICU and the first six weeks with a newborn.  Believe me it was time!  Pumped three days to get out for those two hours.  Do you think I processed in a chair reading a good trashy magazine?  Nope, I went to hang out in a quiet bathroom lol. 

NICU- Part 2/Final Thoughts

Our baby was in the NICU before his second day in the world.  That was when I wrote this post and asked for prayers... and they worked!

I had no idea what NICU really meant before we had a baby.  Babies were getting special care...that was my only reference.   Now I wish it had been discussed when we toured labor & delivery or that the ob/gyn would have talked to us a little more about it.  I guess they don't want to cause any undue stress.  If any mom-to-be is reading this, please read through as someone who is sharing what I wish had been shared with me.  It is not my intention to scare anyone but to inform and provide support.

Babies are in NICU for so many different reasons... ours because his spit up concerned the L&D nurse and they did some blood work and it showed signs of an infection.  If your baby has to go to NICU, possibly... you will see him or her hooked up to a machine and an IV on his/her arm or head (we started with an IV in the arm, but it leaked after a couple of days and the next one was put in his head... although it broke my heart, our baby was so much happier with the IV in his head and his arm free...the nurse explained how those veins are actually better for babies).  You probably won't get to be with your baby 24/7 as you will be receiving care from having a baby and (in our hospital) two hours were reserved for shift change and no visitors.  You will cry.  You will work so hard to get to your baby and brushing your teeth becomes a big accomplishment.  You will have many questions... can I hold him/her, feed him/her, what happens next, etc.  You will dream of being at home with your little one.

I went from extreme elation to extreme deflation in a matter of hours.  I was scared, worried and broken-hearted for what my son was going through. It's hard for any parent, but for an IF mama with an IVF baby, I don't have to tell you how my heart ached to take a baby home.  I had a lot to learn.  Now... here's the part why I hope you are still reading...

You will make it.  Your baby will be in the care of some of the most phenomenal people you have ever met, they are called NICU nurses, or angels would fit as well.  They will answer your questions.   They will encourage you and let you hold your baby (and feed if possible).  They will offer kleenex and an understanding look when you cry.  They remind you to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your baby.  They will color pictures for him and make sure that his every need is met.

 
We were lucky and I learned to be grateful.  Our son was home after 5 days... I met a mom in the elevator who was going on week 13.  I asked, How are you doing it?  And her response was something similar to- How do you not?  Those parents live. survive. and God- willing take home a healthy baby, which is the number one goal of NICU!

There was a NICU favorite baby while we were there, Baby J, who (by overhearing a caseworker talking to a nurse) I learned that rarely got visits from his mom and had been there four MONTHS.  I wanted to take him home with us too.  

On Tuesday night, PC and I had a "date" in the hospital cafeteria during no visitor time.  PC was talking about how you loved someone so much that you had only known a short amount of time and (this might only make sense to Twi.light fans) I said "Awwww, we've imprinted!"  PC (totally out of character) said "I should smack you right now for comparing our baby to some hormone-filled vampire/werewolf character!"  And that was the first laugh in 48 hours.  It helped.  A lot.   

Our H was a true little fighter.  By Wednesday, all levels were back to normal range and we were ready to "room in" with him.  They have a special room for families who are taking home their baby the next day.  It looked like a penthouse suite to us... it looked better than that!

I hope that you do not have a NICU experience but, if you do, know that those are special people who share your goal of taking a healthy baby HOME.  You're already a fighter through the IF journey and you will be a fighter for your baby too!