Peace and a unique gift

PC and I finally got to a place of peace yesterday where we felt good about sharing our news with co-workers, friends and extended family.  At my place of work, pregnancy announcements are made on the e-mail system and the subject is always "great news."  I bet I've read 20+ of those since I've worked at the same place (with lots of women) over the past 10 years and I never thought there would be one with my name beside it.  It was a surreal moment to hit that "send" button.  The comments I have gotten back have been those of genuine happiness for us and I will always cherish each response.  In the e-mail, I gave credit to modern medicine as well as prayers for our blessing on the way because I want my story to be out there for anyone who may need to hear it.  I've already had two people to share their struggles with me and I'm telling them I am there to listen or to be a support in any way possible.  Why do so many suffer in silence and have to feel so alone?  1 in 8... that's a lot of people who need each other!  And, yes, I will always be 1 in 8 because a pregnancy does not erase everything it took to get to this point.  It just says "I'm getting closer to beating you IF!"    
Back to our peace...it came during yesterday's ultrasound.  I was so worried all morning because of my week without many symptoms.  This little one put on quite a show that said to me "Stop worrying so much, I'm having a good time in here."  Good time indeed.  He/she bounced off the top of it's roof, landed cross legged, repeated, then put his/her little baby butt on the big screen.  Here's a pic of the first bounce...

PC and I are on the reserved, quiet side and I'm already getting the impression we have a little attention-seeker growing in there!  It is such a wonderful feeling to walk away from a good ultrasound.  It keeps the worries at bay for a few days anyway. 
We visited my mom today and she said she had something to give us that she had been storing for two years.  I had no clue what it could be.  It turned out to be this solid wood, beautifully painted rocking horse with big teeth, bulging eyes and real human hair.  Y'all- we tried our best to be positive and excited for my mom but I have been so tickled ever since from something that looks like it might give a child nightmares and/or result in an ER trip!  I will have to show you all but (for now) we are leaving it at my mom's house because we didn't have enough room in our car to haul it back.  I'm not trying to come across as ungrateful at all.  The details and woodwork are amazing!  Mom estimates that it is worth nearly $300!  But it looks like it belongs in a museum rather than a nursery!  (If by some chance my mom has come across this blog and has never told me... I love you dearly and the scary rocker horse will probably turn out to be a big hit, it's just the initial shock of something so unique!)  I really believe one of two things will happen... our child will ride that horse like it's the real thing while we hold our breath that it stays on the ground or it will be terrified of it and we'll say "if you don't clean your room, I'll go get Mr. Horse" and the child will have a spotless room.  (Sorry if this is a major parenting mistake, but my friend got amazing results from calling up Chuck-e-Cheese when her child was being defiant!)  Either way, I think scary rocker horse is going to end up in a lot of memories!    

A bump, a project and a worry

First, the bump.  I know it's freaky to crop out my head but I'm just not completely ready to bare all in blog world... yet.  Really, this is a combination bump + bloat leftover from all the hormones.  I can wear most of my capris, but they are tight.  I come home and put on elastic waist anything..... and it feels SO good!  I'm still wearing all of my regular shirts but bought two maternity shirts from Old Navy to wear this summer, and I'm wearing one in the pic. 

The project.  Do you ever have an area of your home that is neglected for a whole season?  That is exactly what happened all winter where our garage is concerned.  We let stuff accumulate and swept once or twice on a warm day (although it's not evident from the before pic).  We had a beautiful weekend in the southeast so the garage got a total makeover.  Right now, I'm taking an extended break to blog because I am pooped!  We cleaned out, swept, mopped, organized, and then I embarrassed PC by making labels for everything.  He (smirkingly) said "are you doing this so if we die everyone will know where stuff goes?"  And I (smirkingly) replied "exactly!"  He had no more comments!  Alas, the before...  (I've also had other priorities... like IVF!)

And the finished product.  We made enough room to bring up a spare fridge from the basement that's used for PC's job so we still have that left to do.  

And, finally, the worry.  I hate to end two positives with a negative, but I can't help it.  I haven't felt any symptoms this weekend.  No cravings/aversions/off and on nausea/sore bbs/tiredness... I've really just felt normal with the exception of sneezing and a runny nose that I'm pretty sure can be blamed on all the pollen.  Everything I've read says that pregnancy symptoms come and go.  I'm at the end of week #10 and I think some of the earlier symptoms start to taper off at this point.  Still, you know it didn't stop me from POAS.  And the darn $1.00 store tests rarely show a test line that's darker than the control line.  It makes my mind race with more worries, especially since I switched from PIO shots to suppositories this week.  I'm driving PC crazy about it.  I know there are some ladies out there who are shouting right now "enjoy... I wish that were my case" because they have been so sick.  I feel bad for complaining about not feeling yucky.  I just wish I could see in my uterus right now!  Five days to the next ultrasound and that feels like such a long time!

I see getting through the first trimester as such a huge milestone.  I'm currently in another 2WW to get to that point and my prayers haven't changed... please stay with me and keep growing little Mac or PC!    

Last PIO

Tonight= Last PIO shot:]  My backside says "yay!"  PC says "thank goodness!"  Tomorrow=PIP (progesterone in privates) twice a day until week 12:[  Four more estrogen patches to go!  In a way, I want to hang on to these medicines because they've become a type of security blanket.  Things only an IVFer would say! 

Thinking of Baby Hopes this evening, who has not gotten two lines from her first IVF cycle.  I know we share many of the same readers and you will all join me in sending a big virtual group hug her way!  She is such an encouragement to so many on this journey and I wish I knew when we will be able to celebrate wih her... because I know we will!

A Food Story

I just had to chronicle this strange and almost comical love/hate relationship with food in the first trimester.   I must admit that when I used to hear women comment that they just "had to have so and so" I was mentally writing that off as an exaggeration, fabrication or a combination of those two.  I was oh.so.wrong!  Warning:  Don't read further if you're in the first trimester and have full m/s (so sorry).  This post probably won't help! 
My food story starts with weeks 4-6 that were filled with
ginger ale
lemon drops
all things salty & sour (especially chips & olives)
pop tarts & bagels
pizza
beef jerky
combos
lots of Mexican food
and more meat than veggies.  Some fruits.  Adult prenatal vitamins.
Cross all of that out in weeks 6-8 with the exception of still preferring the salty and sour and then it was
cheese grits
cheese
biscuits
fish sandwiches & hushpuppies
salad
hamburgers
sour popsicles
sprite
and gum, ice cube peppermint to be exact.  Different fruit than weeks 4-6.  Flinstones chewables.
Now I'm at week 9 and thus begins a new food love affair that includes
fruity gum
gravy & biscuit
fruit with cottage cheese
noodles & pasta
soup
peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and I haven't gotten a pack of those baby carrots yet but I fully intend on doing so this weekend.
Again, my reason for posting is because I think it's so funny how it really is true that I don't control what I eat right now, my mind/body/stomach controls me!  I'm not going to force myself to eat something that just the thought of it brings on the gag reflex, so I eat whatever feels right at that time.  My problem is that the crossed off list keeps growing!  I'm hoping there is a veggie phase coming up soon!  Seriously, I am so thankful that I've had (thus far, knock on wood) mild nausea that comes on and off through the day (mostly before it's time to eat and at night) but without throwing up.  I read blogs of women who have at home IV's to help with their nutrition or those who have to nibble here and there just trying to keep something down (thus the warning at the top of this post).  I truly believe that this process is one of such miracle magnitude that it's a good thing for the body to be in control of this love/hate relationship with food.  Whatever the reason, I'm so happy to be along for the ride!

Blogging on the Backburner

Blogging has been on the backburner here lately because somewhere around week 8, my energy level dropped to near zero and exhaustion has taken over.  No wonder there is a nesting stage... it's needed to get everything back in order from doing next to nothing!  Bring it on!  Last week was filled with busy days at work and crashing in the evening.  I have at least been attempting to read and comment on your blogs before my nightly crash. 

I had five years and nine months to think about how I would treat a pregnancy... do exactly as the doctor said, eat tons of fresh fruits and veggies, only drink water, etc.  Give me a Big Fat "F!"  My prenatal vitamins started to bring on the gag reflex last week so I skipped two days until finally resorting to Flinstones, childhood old faithful.  (I checked with the doctor- take two and add DHA, good to go!)  I've developed aversion to water, seriously.  I was doing so good and all of a sudden, I want anything but H2O!  I still order it when we go out but I'm having way more juice and sprite than I should.  The good news about my eating?  I want nothing to do with sweets, unless you can count gum and an occasional piece of candy.  But let's look at today and you will cringe... butter biscuit with grape jelly for breakfast, soup, sandwich and salad for lunch (not so bad), fast food fish sandwich (gross!) and fries for supper and cantaloupe and cottage cheese for an evening snack.  This is the best I can do for my miracle baby?  Miracle baby, by the way, has sprung a tiny little set of arms and legs that we saw yesterday on our "stalking the ob/gyn to get an ultrasound before he goes on vacation" visit.  PC said he/she looked like Casper the Ghost and the ob/gyn agreed.  I prefer they not refer to this precious little being as a ghost, but at least it was in reference to a friendly one!!! 

The past four years, we've "ran" on Mother's Day weekend... a quick get away and time spent with each other.  This year we stayed home (partly due to our depleted savings) went to church, napped and ate dinner with PC's family.  My mom, grandma, and two close friends told me "Happy Mother's Day" and it just felt weird.  Yes, I'm closer to being a mom than I ever have been but it still sounded like they were speaking to me in a foreign language.  Surreal.  At work, there were several "Happy Mother's Day" mass e-mails and my heart still hurt and it still felt like a sting.   It doesn't go away.  On the hormonal flip side, PC said and did absolutely nothing and I let that hurt my feelings.  We're in unchartered territory and I guess I thought it would have been an appropriate day for him to at least say he was excited.  The only indication PC has given me that he is excited is when he put our first ultrasound picture as the background on his cell phone, replacing a picture of his favorite president.  Men just process and respond to situations differently, I should know that by now!
Hope everyone is having a great week!

OB/GYN Mission: Accomplished

You ladies are right, sometimes we just have to take control and if it requires stalking the ob/gyn, that's what it takes!
Dr. B6 (my 3rd times a charm ob/gyn since TTC) called me back before lunch today.  He is full of enthusiasm and energy and empathy... I need him!  I gave him the short version of our IVF cycle and told him that I really wanted at least two more ultrasounds through the first trimester.  He said that would be no problem and if insurance didn't cover one of them, he would!  I told him that the protocol that we were still following from the RE included PIO, estrogen patches and no sex...yet.  He made it clear that he would follow that protocol and said that our first time being intimate since this process started may be difficult but it would be important for us as a couple.   He said it's as if we would be-----are you ready for this----- revirginated emotionally.  It was such a serious conversation but that phrase made me want to lol.  I had to write it down on my calendar to remember to tell PC.  PC agrees with Dr. B6 that it is very important that we reconnect in that way as soon as we can.  Of course. Truth be told, if we were given the "green light" tomorrow I still don't think it would happen for a little while longer anyway.  Anyways, I now have ultrasounds scheduled for weeks 9 and 11 so mission accomplished! 

I'm feeling pretty good right now.  When I'm hungry, I'm hungry!  I've been keeping crackers and nuts in my desk and in the car for those moments.  During weeks 4-6, I could eat anything, had little or no nausea and tender bbs but tolerable.  During weeks 6-8, I only want to eat certain foods, nausea comes and goes (but no running to the bathroom), the bbs are pretty much back to normal...maybe a little bigger, yippee!  What I'm really loving this week... Mayfield Sour Popsicles!  I wish it were fruit instead but maybe that will be next week.  Shouldn't fruit flavors count for something??? 

Introducing...

A future Mac fan, don't you think?  

When we got to the waiting room, Ms. Hateful Hurry u/s tech called another patient back and PC and I literally whispered "oh no" at the same time.  She turned our way and I was really hoping she hadn't just heard us!  I don't think so because, to our suprise and delight, she was patient and NICE!  

I told PC before the appointment "I can't see anything so as soon as you see the heartbeat, but ONLY when you see it for sure, give me a thumbs up!"  So, I got in the position and turned my head to PC.  He had his thumb in the middle... waiting, waiting... it went up a little, then back to the middle... finally- thumbs up!  Note to fellow IVF'ers, this wasn't the best idea I ever had.  Those seconds felt like hours!  

The u/s tech gave us the measurements and then she turned on the doppler.  Omg.  The first time, I didn't hear anything but the wahh wahh of the machine, but today it was bump bump bump... 167 bmp of music to our ears!  

Oh, I don't think I've shared that I have good luck prenatal panties!  Maybe I shouldn't share that, but too late.   They are VS gray with little sparkles and I have worn them (no worries, always clean) to retrieval, transfer and both ultrasounds.  I do realize they come off before each procedure but I take some comfort in always having the same undies ready for each trip to the RE.  It's like I pull them out of the drawer and it gives me some kind of "we can get through another milestone" self-talk moment.  What will I do when they no longer fit?!?    I digress...

We graduated today!  They release patients at 8 weeks so now the only thing left of our clinic is the estrogen patches, PIO shots, the bill and (let's not forget) one little Mac or PC!  On the way home, I called to set up my first appointment with the ob/gyn.  They gave me this or that reason why the next available appointment isn't until four weeks away... no way people!  Later, I called back and left a message for the ob/gyn to give me a call.  If he hasn't called by tomorrow afternoon, I will call him back.  I am not opposed to ob/gyn stalking!  I only want to ask him for VIP treatment through the first trimester.  I need to tell him, "the RE got me pregnant, now please help keep me that way!"

We just feel so fortunate right now but the fears keep hanging on.  We keep pushing back the timeline for telling everyone beyond our immediate family, a few close friends and our pastor.  We're at 8 weeks and I've told PC, let's wait until the 10 week u/s.  At that time, I will probably say let's wait until 12.  I clearly have seen and heard the heartbeat and have the pictures of this little living being within me... why am I doing this?  When will I truly believe that this is our time for a miracle that we've so waited and prayed for?