Quick Post

Saturday morning is starting out nice with a buttery blueberry muffin and blog catching up!  It's a beautiful day in the southeast.  PC is outside with his iPod blasting while he works on home improvement projects.  We are very lucky that our community was spared from the recent tornadoes as so many of our neighboring states were not so lucky.  We have a basement with a storage area that also serves as a storm shelter and I'm glad we have it but hope we never have to use it for that reason!

In pregnancy news, we're two days away from ultrasound #2.  If all goes well, it will most likely be my last appointment with the RE.  I have a blog friend who was at the same point of graduating from the RE when she was given the devastating news that they couldn't find a hearbeat.  Please send Angie some support.  This is especially heartbreaking news in the lives of those who battle IF.  Thinking about you Angie!



 

Telling Family

This weekend we let family in on our little secret.  It was the perfect weekend because we had family dinners on both Saturday and Sunday.  We told both sets of parents by giving them an Easter card with our first ultrasound picture in the back.   The inside said "Happy Easter and Merry Christmas!"

PC's parents got teary and told us they were very happy for us.  BIL gave me a hug and our nieces were wide eyed and had the "really/are you serious" reaction.  It was sweet.  There were some aunts, uncles and cousins there and everyone was genuinely excited for us. 


Today, on Easter, was the day to tell my mom.  I am an only child.  I was raised by a single mom.  Those who know her, love her.  She is the life of the party and you just don't mess with her friends or family.  I think most of her lively spirit skipped me.  The last concert I went to was Ray Stevens (another story for another time) and the last one my mom went to was Kid Rock.  Case in point.  She is a breast cancer survivor and lives life to the fullest.  All that said, I am her baby and she has never been shy about making it known that she wants a grandbaby!  Even before PC and I were married, she started talking about "when I have grandbabies" this and that.  After two or three years had passed I made it known that it might not be in our future.  She started blaming herself for my infertility... something about taking medicine for nausea while she was pregnant with me.  I told her it was not her fault that I had lazy ovaries!  Most of the baby talk subsided... until today... we were all at my grandparents house and had just surprised them with a get away trip for their birthday.  I took a card over to my mom and told her "Happy Easter" and she said "awww...thanks." I gave her the same card that we gave PC's parents and my mom was a little slow, lol.  She said "why does this say Merry Christmas?" I had drawn an arrow to the next page and told her to keep looking.  She stared, put her head closer to the card like she needed to see it real close, then started bawling out loud.  I mean loud, happy sobs.  PC caught the whole thing on his cell phone.  It was so cute... she was sitting on the loveseat and her legs started pumping up and down during the sobs.  Everyone was like, "what did you write in that card?"  She showed the card to my aunt, then she started crying, then my granny... then the hugs.  My cousin had brought a friend with him to dinner today who none of us really knew and my mom went up to him and said "I'm gonna be a grandma."  So funny.  It was very, very special.  She told me I would never have to buy a single diaper.  PC was like "oh yeah!"  I don't know that my mom would want her pic out on blogland but here is one of many with her mouth open in an "omg" way.  I gave her the Grandmother Willow Tree Angel in the gift bag. 

It felt good.  Contagious, optimistic joy that PC and I needed a good dose of.  We told both families that we only want to share the news with family right now and we would appreciate their prayers.  We told them it's early and the next couple of weeks will be especially important.

Here is my short and simple Easter prayer and if anyone is reading this and feels led, please just tell God you second my prayer:]

Dear God- Thank you for this Easter Sunday and the promise of new life.  Thank you for this little miracle baby who is so loved already.  Please let his or her heart keep beating strong.  Please let him or her keep growing safely within me.  Amen.   

For those reading who are still in the trenches of infertility and waiting on a BFP, I want you all to have a day like this.  I can't wait to celebrate with you!  

Ultrasound Update 6w2d

Skipping the details first since this is what inquiring minds want to know:]


One precious little heartbeat at 108 bpm and an over achiever measuring one day ahead at 6w3days!  Everything is where it should be and I'll try to scan the picture soon!  Good Friday=Great!  

The little details-
We waited about thirty minutes before the appointment and there were two couples with around three year old boys in the waiting room.  You know they were most likely the results of modern medicine and it was nice to get that hope stirred up before the scan.  When they called us back, I was so disappointed because it was my least favorite ultrasound tech.  She's always in a hurry, can be hateful and just always has a debbie downer presence about her.  So, as soon as she left for me to change I shared my thoughts about her with PC and this was his comment as we were leaving the room "How can someone give you such happy news but you leaving feeling sad?"  She worked her "magic" on him as well.  Anyway, she told us "I know you'll have questions but let me do my work first and then I'll turn the screen around and let you know what you're seeing."  At least she didn't keep us waiting too long and she said "I see one embryo with a heartbeat."  She takes some pictures and then turns the screen and asks if we've been pregnant before to which I answer no.  Then she points out the amniotic sac, the yolk sac where the baby is getting it's nutrition, the embryo and the heartbeat.  She told me that the heartbeat is within normal range but they would like to see it higher at the next scan in 10 days.  If that's good, they will release me to my OB.  I asked her if we can have a picture and she said she would lay one on my file.  I tell her that we've been waiting to tell our parents and here's how she wraps it up, "Yeah, I would wait until the next ultrasound... the next few days are the most tricky.  But then again, that's your choice.  You can get dressed and take this up to the front."  See what prompted PC's comment?  Good grief. 
We took our papers to the front desk and the lady took it and said "what a big baby you have!"  Yay for someone smiling for us.  We made our next appointment and were on our way.  We didn't talk much on the way home.  We are thrilled and those are all things I wanted to hear today, don't get me wrong!  We're more thinkers than talkers and that was just our way of processing the news.  We're both okay knowing it's one growing in there!  On some level I'm sad that one didn't "stick" but God knows what is best for us.  We went to the grocery store then came home and slept for a couple of hours.  We're both drained from this ongoing roller coaster ride but we can rest easier that we've made it through another hurdle!

All in all, it was a Great Friday and we have lots to look forward to this weekend.  We are telling our parents regardless of the warning from debbie downer today... they are the people closest to us we need their support right now!  Thanks for all the positive wishes yesterday! 

Let Good Friday be Great!

Well, it's the night before the big ultrasound #1 tomorrow morning. I am beyond nervous.  Please, please, please let tomorrow be confirmation that everything is as it should be!  During this 2WW, I bought about ten dollar store HPTs and I have P'dOAS at least every other day just for some kind of reassurance.  The dollar store tests have not let me down as far as two lines but the test line has not been as dark or darker than the control line.  After using so many OPK's, I can't get past that two lines means pregnant regardless of which line is darker.  My sore bbs are really the only consistent 'sign' that anything is different right now, but even that's only noticeable when I hug PC or lay a certain way.  If I'm hungry, I'm h-u-n-g-r-y and everything tastes better with salt, but that's not much different either.  No nausea or at least nothing close to running to the bathroom.  Just a bit more fatigue than normal.  No glow... where's the glow!?!  I've also figured out that blog reading does not always help with working on the worries.  There are a lot of IF sisters who, after months or years of TTC, get a BFP only to experience heartbreaking losses.  I'm not immune, and I can't help but to be so scared of the unknown. 

Here are my happy thoughts right now... if we do get a good report... we're going to tell our parents since we'll see them both over the holiday weekend.  Moments I've only been able to dream about. 

Please keep us in your thoughts tomorrow for a Good Friday that turns out to be Great!!!

IVF FYI... part 2

One more post about things I learned from others to get through IVF#1 as related to PIO shots.  I have been reading blogs but I am behind on comments this week and hope to spend the rest of the week before our first ultrasound (deep breaths...positive thoughts...) catching up. 

PIO shots

This is the routine that worked for us.  (Prior to any of this- at Egg Retrieval- the nurse drew some helpful "x marks the spot" places on my backside.)

• Put an ice pack on my backside for about 5 minutes.  (Some people say not to do this because the ice will hinder the oil from spreading, but that hasn't been a problem so far.)

• PC holds the PIO bottle to get it warm while my backside is chilling.  Some bloggers suggested putting it in your bra works just as well.  (However, we chose 8:30 each night and I am usually in pj's and sans the bra by that time!)

• Put my "toasty toes" in the microwave for 3 minutes.  This thing has been a lifesaver!  A lady where I work makes them... it's filled with corn and stays toasty for more than an hour!

• Wipe the PIO vial w/ an alcohol swab.  

• Fill syringe with 1mL of air, draw up the PIO, change the needle to a 25g 1 inch.  

• Lay the filled syringe under my "toasty toes" for 15-20 seconds, not long- barely warm.  NOTE:  Made a big mistake here... PC and I were talking and I left it under there too long.  I got it too hot and it was more painful than any other injection... I burned my inner butt, ugh.  

Then I hand it over to PC.  The SAME conversation (not that anyone needs this info. but it throughly documents the experience), give and take a few words, takes place:
PC- Relax your hips
Mac- I am... go
PC- Waiting on alcohol to dry
Mac- It will be ok
PC- I'm going right here in 3, 2, 1... stick... all clear... 1/2 way...3/4...done
Mac- Good job, thanks babe

I also asked him if he checked for blood the first few times until he started getting mad at me for asking every time.  I figured it's not a good time to have him mad at me! 

• PC holds the beveled edge up and does a dart-like action.  It's really not that bad of a stick.  The only time it's hurt is when I overheated the oil and a couple of times he pushed a little too hard trying to get the oil out.   

• Afterwards, I put a piece of gauze on the area and walk/massage for 2-3 minutes.  

• Last, I sit on the corn bag to warm the area for about 20 minutes.  

Sometimes I'm sore the next day, sometimes I'm not.  I think it may have to do with how much I relax my hips but when I try to focus on relaxing my hips, it makes it worse.  We've done these for going on five weeks now and they're a literal pain in the a$$ but if they are creating the best environment for this little one, I will gladly grin and bear it!
  

IVF FYI... part 1

I'm putting together some different posts about things I learned, and keep learning, (mostly related to meds) through the IVF process in case something might help someone else.  We're so very fortunate that we got our BFP from IVF#1... I've read blogs of women who have gone through the process two, three and four times and I'm in complete amazement; they are much stronger than me.  I am not posting any of this because I think it's the "right way"... instead, maybe someone can learn from my trial and error!  In fact, I am an example of what not to do because clearly I flipped out with my first injection!  These are just tips and tricks that helped me and most of it came from advice from other blog readers, web surfing, and (as mentioned) trial and error.  Besides, I'm also in the 2WW until my first u/s and need something to distract me and blog about while I pass the time.  And I like bulleted lists:]


Appointments

• I kept a bag ready just for all those appointments with a calendar/notepad, usually some reading material, bottle of water, pen/pencil, germ-x, panty liners, cash for the parking fee, pair of socks (in case I was wearing sandals... I'm a socks in the stirrups girl) mints and random other things I considered appointment essentials.  I dropped my wallet and phone in there each time and this became my purse on those days.       

• During the time of frequent visits, I had to do the injections at the clinic since it's a long drive for us.  I would just pack my meds/needles the night before and found it helpful to drop the Lupron down in an old pill bottle and put a cotton ball over it.  I was always worried about a spill or something breaking.    

Meds

• One of the most helpful things for us was setting everything up in one room on a table.  (AKA- the wannabe nursery room.)  The bathroom is right beside it so we could wash our hands and then all "supplies" were within reach.  I even put my prenatal vitamins on the table so I wouldn't forget them.  

• I didn't realize until the second or third night of injections that the little see through part in the lid of the vials was the "trick" to getting all of the liquid out.  You can pull back while pulling the needle down and see what you're doing to suction it all out.  Didn't leave any in the vial after figuring that out... probably something I should have learned at injection training!  

• When they extended my meds by one day, those vials came with Q-caps.  Oh, how those made life easy.  If you have the option, they save time!

• Some people are lucky that the stims do not burn.  I blamed the burning on Menopur but when I stopped using it, turns out the Bravelle was the culprit the whole time!  Anyway, what helped me with the burning was pinching myself a little.  I watched a few youtube clips of women doing the injections and one girl talked about how she focused on the pinch and that got her focus off the stinging and she was right!  Somehow it made it easier to tolerate thinking I was causing the sting rather than the medicine.  Mind over matter? 

• I kept getting confused about when to change the estradiol patches so I started writing the date on them.  Problem solved!

• This was probably a crazy OCD-type thing to do, but I always wanted to do the Lupron injection on one side and the stims on the opposite side and then rotate.  It made me feel like I was balancing out the meds, not because someone told me to.  So I would write an L on the small round bandages I used to stand for 'Lupron' and kept up with rotating the injections that way.   

What I need a tip/trick for... how in the world to get off the sticky stuff from the estrogen patches!!!  I've tried soap, baby oil, scraping it... I promise that I DO bathe but that stuff doesn't come off!!! 

 

Part 2... PIO shots and side effects

And the winner Is...

Now what are the odds of this?

Commenter #16 belongs to the person who inspired me to do a giveaway because I won her first giveaway, cool!  Congrats to Carlia at The Stork Drop Zone for winning the clips and notepads!  Thanks to everyone who participated and I already have an idea for the next giveaway so please join in again!

No worries in the works

This is my mental ring tone here lately...
 
Worry...
Worry, worry, worry, worry
Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone

I had a whole post written about constant worries that consume my thoughts.  PC read it before I published it and told me that it would not be support or encouragement to my blog readers and y'all deserve better.  I'll say it one time a year, he's right.  Bottom line, I'm just having a hard time putting the worries aside.  I'm letting infertility hold my mind and heart hostage and I'm the only one that can change that. 

One or both of these three day old miracles believed in me and now it's my turn to believe in them!

Blog Give Away!

A few weeks ago, I was the recipient of a blog give away from sweet Carlia at The Stork Drop Zone.   I was so excited, I never win anything!  Carlia is always coming up with ideas to bring the IF community closer together, her posts are honest and helpful, and one day I'm going to ask her how to create buttons because she does an awesome job with that!  I'm pretty sure she's headed toward her first IVF cycle and I really hope it brings her a BFP!  I had every intention of sending a big "thank you" her way but it got delayed a little because I was in the middle of the IVF madness and it took me a few days before I could do the online shopping (which provided some stress relief btw) and use the $15 code at the CSNstores website.  Anyways...  since it was IF/blog related... I purchased a sweet little interactive baby book.  My thinking was, if this IVF brings a BFP, I've just purchased the first item for a little Mac and/or PC:]  We are major bookworms, so it's very fitting!  If it didn't bring a BFP, it was going to be a gift for the next baby shower, and believe me, there's usually one around every corner.  But I sure wanted that little book.  Anyway, it came the day before my beta and I left it on the porch until I got the news.  I know.  That's extreme, but some of you share my jinx feelings!  Later in the evening after I got the BFP call, I brought in that little gift-to-self-via-blog-give-away and it was a sweet moment to know that (hopefully) this little book is staying right here!  So, thank you very much Carlia!  

The blogosphere has been a great support system and I want to join in and give back as well.  Up for give away is a cute little set of notepads and binder clips in the new Vera Bradley pattern, Lemon Parfait.  This pattern reminds me of spring and new beginnings... and someone may be able to put these to use in organizing for treatments or (better yet) OB appointments and such.  It's not much, but I'm so excited to have the chance to give this to someone.  I like to do things really simple.  If this is something you would like to have a chance to win, please leave a comment that lets me know you want to be included in the drawing.  Then, this Thursday, I'll either figure out how to do one of those random number drawing things on the Internet, or, I'll do it the old fashioned way and put your blog names on a little slip of paper and have PC draw a name:]  Keeping it simple... Good Luck!

Beta #2

Another good phone call today.  Beta #2 was 519.  I thought maybe it should have doubled on Friday and again today but the IVF nurse said the RE's were very happy with these results.  I have no reason not to trust their expertise thus far so I will (try) not to worry!  My RE only does two beta counts.  So, here I am again in another 2WW until the first ultrasound, aarrrggghhhh!  It's scheduled for Monday, April 25th.  I know enough from reading blogs and Internet searching that betas cannot determine singleton or twin pregnancies but (in the meantime) it's fun to wonder!  Anyone want to make a prediction? 

P.S.  Please check back tomorrow because I plan to show you something special I won on a blog giveaway and invite you to participate in one of my own!

Thanks once again for all of the encouragement here!  You all are THE BEST!  

Day after Beta #1

I appreciate each and every sweet comment from yesterday's news!  I plan on making the blog rounds this morning and I can't wait!  It was all I could do to type the short post because it was such an emotionally draining day.  Here's what went down, although you all already know the best part!

Sorry for all the details below but I want to document the special day here. 

On Wednesday afternoon, I sent the e-mail below to Nurse LLD and this was her response.  Love her!

Hi

Will call you ASAP after getting the results.  Lets think positive!

-----Original Message-----

Sent: Wednesday, April 06, 2011 3:17 PM

Subject: tomorrow

If I don't see you in the morning, I'm having blood drawn for our beta at 7:30 a.m.  Will you please give me a call as soon as you get the labs?  I'm just about on the brink of going crazy through this wait! :]  However it turns out, thanks so much for all of your help the past several weeks. 

We left around 5:45 a.m. and I had my blood drawn by 7:35.  The lady that draws my blood asked if I did an HPT and I told her I just couldn't do it.  She said she thought that was good to wait but I was only the second one she had tested all week who didn't POAS.  I started questioning my decision, but it was too late at that point.  The "call" was going to be my answer.

We stopped by Chic-fil-a, which has become our "tradition" on early RE days and then I ran in Target to get some more vitamin water (yum, by the way!).  We were home by 10:30 a.m., PC left for work (I've had a few days off this week for spring break, woo hoo), and I fell asleep in the recliner until he came back by the house around 12:00.  Still no call.  I ate lunch,  started googling everything related to 12dp3dt and the phone rang a little after 1:00.  My heart was about to come out of my chest to see "Nurse LLD" on the screen even though it's the call I had been waiting on all day.

Me:  Hello
Nurse LLD:  Hi... M?
Me:  How are you?
Nurse LLD:  Good, and you?
Me:  Just waiting on your call.
Nurse LLD:  Well, are you ready for some good news?
Me:  (Getting so excited) I would love some good news!
Nurse LLD:  Well, you are pregnant.
Me:  Yay, Yay, Yay... I can't believe it!  What was my beta?
Nurse LLD:  It was 249.
Me:  That's a good number, right?
Nurse LLD:  Yes, that's good.
(We work out the details for coming back on Saturday for Beta #2)
Me:  Thank you so much!
Nurse LLD:  Congratulations!

I'm one of those people who saves all of my emotions somewhere inside and puts on a strong face until it gets to the point where those emotions just can't be contained... when I hung up the phone, I started crying almost 6 years worth of built up emotions!

So, I called PC but it was really hard to get the words out with the monsoon of tears and it sounded something like this:
Me:  H-e-y, I--I    j--j--u--s--t    g-g-o-t    t--h--e    c--c--a--l--l. 
PC:  It was negative.  It didn't work. 
Me:  No, I'm sorry, I can't stop crying.  It was good news.  We're pregnant.
PC:  (Silence)  Really? 
Me:  Oh, hold on Nurse LLD is calling me back. (Poor PC)

I thought, omg, she gave me the wrong information!  That's how guarded I am... but she forgot to remind me to continue the estrogen patches and PIO.... whew.

I go back to PC and tell him everything is good and hurry home!  Then, you can guess what I did next!  I P'dOAS and was still nervous that it wouldn't confirm what I had just been told.  It was a CVS brand test that clicked into place with a little window that, within a few minutes, said "Pregnant."  First ever BFP on an HPT!  I think I'm going to have to go buy more today and POAS all weekend!  :]

I somehow whipped out the blog post, took a shower, got the tears under control enough to go get my estrogen patches refilled and came back home minutes before PC.  We hugged and I asked if he was excited and he said he was dizzy:]  Well, I was hungry!  We went out to eat and we got to have conversations that we've never had... it was is a strange feeling!  Things like "I think this is my child with all the sour & salty I've been wanting to eat but I think this is your child because I sure am gassy all of a sudden."  And, after he told me it was too much trouble to bring a mattress into the living room, I said "I think the rules are you are supposed to be nicer to me than you have ever been right now!"  (I didn't say they were sweet conversations!) 

You all are the only ones who know our special news.  We told a few IRL people that we got a good report and things are going well.  Unless one of them has come across this blog, they really do not know how good the report was.  Believe me, if we get another good number on Saturday and we get a good report at the first ultrasound, it won't be long until we're shouting it to the world.  (But not on FB or "in your face" kind of way... IF has given me much time to think about what I would and would not do.)  The fact that it took modern medicine + prayers to get us here will never be a secret.  I have too many sisters here and IRL who need to hear that miracles can happen.  I realize that I'm not holding a baby in my arms right now and that would be the ultimate miracle, but a BFP after 5 years and 9 months of TTC, it feels pretty darn close to a miracle to me.    

I always talk about the hurdles and I realize there are some more big ones to get through in the coming weeks, but I want to enjoy living in the moment right now.  Thanks for allowing me to share it. 

Thankful Thursday

BETA:  249

  

Thank you God.  Thank you modern medicine.  Thank you God+modern medicine.  Thank you PC.  Thank you blog family.

The tears won't stop flowing... and I'm okay with that.    

I'm pregnant and I am beyond elated. 

LOL, 10dp3dt

Yep, you know the 2WW is getting to you when you get the following comment box and you LOL because it reminds you of yet another side effect of progesterone. 

I am 10dp3dt but I just cannot POAS.  I've spent 5 1/2 years of time and tears on HPT's that shouted "negative" at me and I only want to POAS when I know two lines will be shouting "positive" back at me!  

This will more than likely be my last post before the beta on Thursday.  I hope to join the other cycle sisters who have gotten BFP's recently!  I don't have to say "wish me luck" here because you all have been doing that since cycle day 1.  Instead I will say a heartfelt "thank you" from me and PC for all of the support in getting to this point.   

7dp3dt

It's been one week today since the three day embryo transfer.  Half-way through the 2WW, woo-hoo!  I haven't had anymore cramping/twinges for the past couple of days.  I just feel "normal" and I wish I felt "pregnant" but I don't know what that feels like!  You know those stories you read about women who just knew?  I'm not one of them:[  Good news from my P4 bloodwork, it was 20+ (nurse didn't know the exact number) so I don't have to add any more to the PIO shot.

I'm trying to line up some distractions... Today, we caught an early movie (The Lincoln Lawyer) and we'll go back out for dinner in a little while.  Tomorrow, we're supposed to go to church shoe-less (should be interesting) and then I want to plant a few strawberry and tomato plants later in the day.  I don't think all the distractions in the world will keep me from not thinking about the Thursday phone call after our trip to the RE!

Something happened at our dinner with BIL/SIL that caught me off guard.  They are part of our small, IRL support group who know a good bit about what we're going through although no one can really understand what's involved unless they've actually been through it.  Anyway, I showed them the pic of our embryos and BIL was like "those are in you?  Two?  Twins?  Yay!  Yes... it was always my dream to have twins, that is great!"  All of this happened before I could tell them there are several more hurdles to get through.  When I was able to tell him what still has to happen, his demeanor totally changed and he just looked worried for us.  This is why there's no way we could let so many people in on this.  His first reaction was precious.... but it was way too premature.  I "burst his bubble" in a matter of minutes and can't imagine having to go through that over and over.  I hope this doesn't come across like I've written this IVF cycle off but after being on this long road for nearly six years, a positive beta is a hurdle, a beta that doubles is another hurdle, an ultrasound where everything looks good is a big hurdle, a pregnancy and birth of a healthy baby, that's what it would truly take for me to let go of all doubt.  Just being honest. 

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!