Forget the pain, what about the sperm?!?

I asked PC to "give me the middle finger."  Please allow me to explain.  I married a guy who went through his "battle" scars on one of our first dates.  Strange way of impressing???  Anyway, I was introduced to the ski accident scar, running into a pole scar, dog bite scar and (alas the middle finger) the changing a tire scar.  That one is my nieces favorite... they call it his "looks like a butt finger!"  I think it's a pretty good description, don't you?

So, this weekend PC's stomach pain turned into an ER trip which resulted in the new appendectomy scar! Oddly enough, this one might turn out to look like a smile:]

So, to get to the point of this post... PC is laying there in pain and the doctor is telling him what's involved in removing his appendix and here's my one and only question...

Is this going to affect his sperm?

Pause.  Strange looks.  Explain IVF.
Dr. assures me that PC should not have any problems with his part of the process.
PC says "I have an easy job."  Laughter.
This is one crazy ride.  

IVF Questions- Part 1

I have two days left to take progesterone.  I am on day 5 of Lupron shots.  I am supposed to call Nurse LLD when AF shows up after the last progesterone pill.  Disclaimer- I know that every cycle is different, every person is different and to 'expect the unexpected' over the next few weeks.  Nevertheless, I always have questions floating around in my head (hence the Part 1) and say "thank you" in advance to anyone who would like to share your thoughts about any of the topics below. 

1.  How closely does the antral follicle count predict number of eggs at retrieval?
2.  When I get to the stims, are their any foods/diet tips associated with reducing the risks of OHSS? 
3.  Did anyone else not take BCPs prior to an IVF cycle? 

Lastly, should I put this back under the counter or not?!?

 

It's had a home under the counter for a long time but my RE clinic is also connected to a university and my "delicate and sensitive areas" as described on the box will soon be on display for research purposes as well as IVF.  Prerequisite for IVF- keep your sense of humor about some things!  :]  

If to When and other random thoughts

Well, duh.  It just occurred to me yesterday that we have a nurse on staff where I work.  So, we met in the clinic this morning, she gave me the Lupron shot, no drama and I was back in my office in a matter of minutes.  She even offered to meet me on the weekends but I can call on SIL if needed.  This isn't cheating, it's using resources wisely!  Thank goodness for nurses, I have so much respect for them! 

CRAP with a capital "C" happened at work today... actually it's been that kind of week.  It calls for chocolate tonight.  It calls for this brownie that's the size of my hand!!!

I really want to work on moving from an "if" to a "when" attitude.  When we first started TTC, a lady at work said she had a bag of maternity clothes to give away.  I told her we were TTC and she brought them to me.  That was a long time ago when I thought "it didn't happen this month, but it will happen the next."  Yeah, right.  You know what happened... a few weeks later another co-worker became pregnant and I took those clothes to her.  That may have been my first cry.  That permanently put me in an "if" mindset.  I've never bought anything baby.  So, in efforts to start thinking "when" I'm going to do a little on-line window shopping.  Baby things that I like WHEN...

Tagged... 20 questions

Tag, I’m it… from Poli at BabyHopes.  I am thankful because I needed a distraction since my last couple of posts about pregnancy announcements and injection meltdowns.   

There are two rules and twenty questions.

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
One medium, one large and one giant dog occupy own our basement.  We just rent the upstairs from them:]  Members!    

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?  See #3 

3. What would you do with a billion dollars?  Go the surrogacy route!  Go on a permanent vacation, taking friends and family along the way.  Eating fancy food and hiring a personal fitness trainer to balance out!  Buy another Jeep.  Buy PC a custom mountain bike... and a mountain to ride it on!         

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?  Friday, a combination of flip-flops-sunny days-Jeep rides, new magazines, date nights/PC hugs, and the family members mentioned in #1 

5. What is your bedtime routine?
Brush teeth, wash face, put my hair in a ponytail and tell PC I love him…oh and take a vitamin complete with 400 mg of folic acid

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? My boss at the time had a dream about us, came to work the next day and asked if she could give him my number, he called, we met and married less than a year later.  Dream come True:]

7. What kind of books do you read?  I like anything except the murder/mystery stuff.   

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?  Hopefully, mostly debt-free with a mini Mac or PC.

9. What’s your fear?  Fear of failure and letting people down. 

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity of unlimited travel to any place(s) on earth, whenever, for however long, and free of charge?  Nope, what fun is a road trip without junk food?

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?  Say "five more minutes."  Then (after 10) turn on Fox News and get in the shower.   

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be?  He would share my enthusiasm for a game of Scrabble, or at least pretend. 

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?  wouldn't change my name

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?  sunshine, all the time! 

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?  Ramen noodles:]  

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?  The relationships.  The advice.  The support.  It is therapy. 

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Sweet (and I love sour candy)

18. What items are in your purse right now?  wallet, coupons, pen, pencil, sticky notes and germ-x

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?  I live in the mountains so I want a vacation at the beach! 

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?  The shouldn’t part is only because I probably should be doing something more constructive… but Glee and Grey’s make me laugh, love TLC shows, American Idol, and my newest favorite is Pawn Stars

Tag, you’re it to anyone who would like to play:]

Injection #1=Lupron sucks already!

Omg.  The follistim pen was a piece of cake compared to Lupron.  First injection this morning and it didn't go so well.  I took the syringe out before turning it over and medicine sprayed out.  Stress.  Last night, I found conflicting  instructions- one said to do 20 units and another said 10 units.  I did 20 units this morning and have placed a call to the nurse to get this worked out.  More stress.  I kept seeing air bubbles and PC reminded me how dangerous those were.  He was really sweet and trying to be helpful but... add it to the stress!  That stuff really stings!  Major stress!  And I lay here typing this instead of getting ready for work because all that stress was followed by throwing up and almost passing out.  I keep asking PC what went wrong... he said I didn't do anything wrong as far as the injection but I let the stress get the best of me.

I know... suck it up... there's a lot more to come!  I'm amazed at all of the strong, amazing women who have gone through this more than once.  I understand why but after one little injection I am just amazed.  Can you please tell this wimp how to avoid a scenario like this every morning?   
 

Prayer

Several weeks ago, our pastor said that his heart was heavy and he wanted to pray for some very specific situations that some of us were going through... one was couples who were having trouble conceiving.  Two other couples went forward and PC and I responded as well.  In that moment, I was thinking "why would we refuse extra prayers and support" but it was very hard to expose something so personal with that many people.  

Today, I received this e-mail:

 Hi,

Just wanted to let you know that the Lord has answered our prayers and I am pregnant and due September 9!!!  I have been walking around in complete shock for a couple of weeks. :0) Thank you for your prayers and support.  Know that we will continue to pray for you and ----. I know the pain and frustration of hearing yet another person is pregnant, but I also know deep down in my heart that he has a plan that will surpass even your wildest dreams for you and your family.  If there is one thing that I have learned through all of this is that He is in control even when I didn't want Him to be or think He was.   I finally had to accept that His plan for me was good even if it wasn't my plan.  Now, I can't wait to see how He will answer your prayers.  :0) 

 P.S.  Please keep praying that we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby when the time comes.  I am trying not to worry to much.  :0)

I think it is very sweet of her to personally e-mail me.  Only someone who has faced infertility would understand how thoughtful that is.  When anyone in the infertile-blogosphere announces a pregnancy, I cheer and celebrate with them.  So why is my heart so heavy right now when this is a precious friend who has fought the same battle?  I couldn't reply to her.  My fingers wouldn't move to type words of celebration because my heart couldn't go there.  I feel selfish.  I feel broken.  I want this to be her time and I want her to have a healthy, happy baby but I want it too.  For the other two families who exposed our pain that day... we also want that answered prayer.  

ICLW... welcome to Mac and PC!

This is my first time participating in ICLW and I'm excited to be able to leave and receive some comments from some new people as well as those on my blog list (some of which I still have not left comments, sorry... hopefully that will soon change).  

Why Mac and PC?  Our pseudo-blog names simply come from who thinks they have the better operating system.  

As far as computers go, of course I think I win!  As far as my reproductive operating system, I'm failing miserably:[  We've been TTC for 5 1/2 years with nothing but a B.F.N. to show for it.  I am anovulatory and have a partially blocked left tube.  My latest test results leave the RE to believe that I am borderline premature ovarian failure (gulp).  In three days, I will start suppressing the ovaries (they should be good at that) with Lupron to get our first IVF cycle going!  I have had a couple of acupuncture appointments recently and plan to time another one later in the IVF cycle.  It's one among many things on the list of "yes, I've tried it" that just makes me feel better, so why not!  I am a few months away from the dreaded 35, and you know what they say about that... but since when did infertility stop us from what we say?  I We say that it IS our time for two pink (or blue) lines:]  I wish everyone a happy ending in this journey that none of us asked for... thanks for letting me join in the ranting, shouting, crying, supporting, praying, hoping, cheering, and helping that takes place in the blog world.  Let me know if you are a new follower so that I can find and follow you too!  

P.S.  I've apologized recently for anything negative I might say due to several days ON progesterone and OFF of caffeine, but thankfully everyone here completely understands!

Meds & Money

Just taking progesterone here and sorting out the massive amount of medications!  

I've been taking the progesterone at night so my mean-ness seems to be reserved more for the night than during the day, yay?!?  PC says I even kicked him out of bed last night, which I really don't remember.  I do remember being very dizzy!    

By the way, the instructions read:  
Take 2 Capsules Every Evening For 12 Days.  Insert One Capsule Vaginally the AM of Embryo Transfer. Someone please enlighten me and forgive me for asking about a TMI topic...but seriously?  I don't get it.   I take 24 of these lovely capsules the way I would normally take medicine and then #25 gets to go on a field trip?  The shots sound a lot easier to me.  In and Out.  But #25 is causing me to have a lot of how...why... really... then what thoughts!  This also doesn't tell me whether this takes place before or after the ET.  Hmmm..... 

On the homefront... we sold our Jeep Wrangler yesterday.  I've never really had any attachments to a vehicle but I sure did love that Jeep!  PC and I are doing a "snowball debt diet" where we pay off smaller debt then put that payment towards bigger debt etc.  The Jeep was a big expense that was not helping us with that plan.  The only "big ticket" debt we have is our mortgage and my college loans, but there are some smaller things that keep us from having financial freedom.  If IVF works, we want to be in a better place financially... and a Jeep really wouldn't be the best vehicle for transporting baby(ies) would it?  I have to keep playing those thoughts in my head because all I can think about is how much fun I had driving this...

 

Can't wait to get caught up on some blog reading this evening but right now I'm off to soak up some sunshine (finally) and clean up our basement:] 

A PLAN!

It makes me so happy to type that blog post title!  Today, PC and I traveled to the RE's office (1 1/2 hour drive with decent traffic) to get my progesterone level checked and to get our calendar, a.k.a. plan!
                                                   Exhibit A

I was actually given two calendars.  One if my progesterone was too low and another if my progesterone was normal.  Of course, nothing about my system can be normal so it's 12 days of progesterone for me.  I add Lupron to that next week and, if AF shows according to Nurse LLD's calculations, retrieval and transfer would be the third week in March.  I think the first week of Spring would be very fitting:]

PC said "oh, no" when I told him I'll be on progesterone for 12 days.  He asked if he needed to go borrow his parents' camper, which I only half-way laughed about because that drug does turn me into the devil!  What is in it?!?  I think the voodoo!!!  The last time I took it, I fussed at PC about something and pulled out a cigarette going down the road and told him I just needed to smoke.  That might have been okay IF I SMOKED!   I don't.  A co-worker had left a pack in my car when I gave her a ride and I hadn't given them back yet, so I pulled one out but couldn't get it lit... which also made me mad.  PC asked, "what have you done with my wife?"  Then I cried.  This would all make you laugh if you knew me IRL and I'm wondering if I should go ahead and apologize for whatever might come across this blog the next 12 days!

Lastly, PC and I usually eat (cheap) take out in the living room so we were pretty impressed with ourselves for creating a Mac & PC Valentine's Dinner of steak, potatoes, asparagus, rolls & no bake cheesecake in our very own dining room with our wedding china that we have.never.used...in 6 years...anyway, we had a great time and this might become a new tradition.  We would be more than happy to have a baby to share it with... even if it means calling in a pizza and using paper plates to make things easier!  

P.S.  Note the glass of water with an orange slice.  I'm trying all of these flavor suggestions and am happy to report that flavored water is not so bad... not sweet tea... but liking it more each day:]

To: PC

Dear P.rince C.harming,
In our quest to bring a little Mac or PC into the world, we decided not to buy gifts this Valentine’s Day as we are in this season of saving & paying!  Instead, we are content with giving each other a card and having a nice meal together at home this evening.  (I can’t wait!)  However, this blog post doesn’t cost a dime so please accept it as an additional gift because I won’t ever get tired of telling the world how much I love you.  My idea of romance is not all about flowers or chocolates.  It’s about how you crank my car every morning so that it’s warm for me, how you still reach for my hand on our dates, how you have taken on the laundry and so many other major things that keep our household afloat, the way you help people and (this may be #1) how you bring me warm socks when I complain about my feet being cold!  Even though I try to play it off sarcastically, I love that you know the answers to so many facts about random topics.  I hope our future child gets your PC-ipedia  memory!!!  I love that you are still showing your nieces that a getting-closer-to-40-year-old (sorry, it's a backhanded compliment) can easily turn upside down flips on the trampoline!

I am so truly blessed that you are my partner in this life.  You make me very happy!  Since this blog was created about us trying to bring a child into this world, let me say shout that I hope it happens because the world is missing out without a mini PC:]  Happy Valentine’s Day.  I love you!  Miss Mac

Water Woes

I drink one small cup of coffee and one glass of sweet tea each day.  I can't believe eliminating these two things (with caffeine, anyway) has been such a -literal- headache.  Dr. C (acupuncture) really believes caffeine steals from your overall health and I know that it will just be better for my body for the upcoming IVF.  I know water has like 1000+ great effects!  Sure, Coke has the ability to clean corrosion off of car batteries but for health improvement... not so much.  So why can't I drink water all day, every day and like it?  Why can't each glass have that "hot summer day" taste that I do enjoy?  I am on a mission to be a 100% water/juice drinker with an occasional decaffeinated sweet tea or coffee through this IVF cycle and (if we are fortunate that it works) through a pregnancy.  So I have filled up one of PC's cups with mostly water and a drop or two of lemon and I have a bad attitude about it and apologize for all of you "water is wonderful" people who read this.  FYI- I'm envious!  

P.S.  So long to my birthday present from PC last year for awhile unless I can find some really good decaffeinated tea K-cups:[     

Next stop... Lupron

The bank account is drained.  Our new (interest free for one year at least) credit card has a $4000 balance.  Meds are on the way... a few already here.  Next stop (literally)... Lupron.  We have an appointment tomorrow to do our taxes... any refund now belongs to the IO-4-IVF fund!    

The only thing I worry about is that I haven't heard the official "GO" from Dr. S. to start next Thursday.  However, somewhere on her desk there is a message to "call this girl and tell her everything is good to go so she'll leave us alone" or something like that as the nurse reassured me.

I bought a (75% off, woo-hoo) calendar to keep up with all things IVF.  It's full of uplifting quotes and scripture too and I figure that can't hurt either!   This weekend I plan on pulling out all of my paper work and trying to make sense of what I take, when I take it, how I take it etc.  
  

In other news, PC and I are puppy-sitting for a week so that should be a total distraction from what's ahead.  In our care right now are a Newfoundland, a Golden Retriever, a Labradoodle and a Goldendoodle.  Doesn't that sound like lots of work fun?  Wish us luck!      

If you hate infertility...

Irony?  That would be my afternoon.  In fact, it would have almost been comical if it wasn't so cruel!  I left the office this afternoon with my ARC contract (more about that below) for IVF in hand.. hot off the printer... and still had it in my hand when I slipped in to support a co-worker at her baby shower!  Something's wrong with that picture!  I slipped out quickly to go read the darn contract.  Who hates infertility, raise your hand!

 

Paying for a one cycle plus package at Advanced Reproductive Care (ARC) will save about $2000 if we have to proceed with a frozen transfer.  If the fresh IVF cycle results in a live birth, we lose about $900 for paying for a frozen cycle up front but let me be clear that I.would.not.care!  *If the fresh cycle is canceled before ER for any reason, the options are a refund for all except $500 for bullcrap administrative fees or to pay the clinic for all services up to that point and use the package price for the next cycle.  **They do not pay for anesthesia.  ***They pay for up to 5 u/s and bloodwork monitoring visits.  Someone please warn me if I'm about to get into something with a lot of fine print!  

PC sometimes refers to crappy circumstances as a 'kick in the nuts.'  Here was my kick in the nuts today:   I don't even qualify for ARC's refund guarantee program because the information from my fertility charts suggests to them that IVF is not going to work for me.  Hard Kick!!!  They based that on my highest FSH (10) highest estradiol (144) and antral follicle count (10).  Can anyone give me some hope with those numbers?   

*Let's hope this does not happen.

**About $750 for a one hour nap.

***Nurse LLD said the average is 4-6 visits. 

IRL Support System

Tonight shouldn't seem like a big deal but it was to me.  We talked to PC's parents and his brother/SIL about what's ahead for us.  For a long time, I didn't want anyone IRL to know about IVF. 
If IVF resulted in a healthy baby, I wouldn't care to shout to the world that we used it as a means to have a child... it's not that.  I think it's that I just don't want so many people involved and invested on such an emotional journey that may not turn out the way we hope it will.  But I do want a close circle of people that care about me the most--around me at a time that I need them the most.  This group includes my mom and grandparents, PC's parents and brother/SIL and a handful of close friends and co-workers.  I need an IRL support system in addition to having blog buddies, no offense!   Everyone has been wonderful.  They want to help in any way possible.  So SIL was assigned to the backside shots tonight, yay for having a nurse in the family!  I feel a little bit of weight off my shoulders... now my IRL circle is complete and it's time to get this show on the road in the stirrups!

        

2WW until IVF#1- I Hope!

Today is 2 weeks until I'm supposed to do the first lupron injection and get this IVF cycle underway.  A couple of MAJOR things have to happen before then.
1.  Order Meds
2.  Financial Clearance

Really, these two things may be more stressful than the cycle itself!  I should spare you all these details, but I'm free to vent here, right? 

Meds- PC and I estimated on the low end because of a misunderstanding about a discount program (earlier post) and we're trying to make up for that by really comparison price shopping on-line. Purchasing on-line or even out of the country means that Nurse LLD will have to fax the prescription to us rather than calling it in to a pharmacy but that can't happen until...
Financial clearance- This department has a lot of turnover and they are not helpful (and sometimes just hateful) over the phone!  When I called to pay for our cycle, consultant (#2) said "I'm sorry but that was last year's price and there's been an increase.  You will have to pay the new price."  (A $2000 increase.)  My response was "We signed a financial contract in the fall and knew we wouldn't do this cycle until after the new year.  Is that contract not valid?"  She tells me no again and that I can try to work it out with the person that's soon taking her place.  Grrrrr.......
To make this long story short, I call Nurse LLD and unload these issues on her and she tells me to fax a copy of the contract and she'll give it to Dr. S. on Friday.  I also asked her if I could send a letter.  Did I mention that we heart Nurse LLD?  This was her e-mail response to me today...minus IRL names:
Hi, you may email an attachment and I will make sure Dr. S gets it on Friday.  I realize that financial clearance is a big pain and may be the most stressful.  I will look for your letter.  Hope you have a great day.

I just don't know everything will fall into place over the next two weeks or not.  If it's put off another month, I have to believe there's a reason. 


P.S.  The blog makeover is in honor of a new phase of the IF journey... and yes, we're having a pretty sweet Mac+PC smooch behind those laptops and that makes me :]  

Many thanks to Amy at Maternal Hope for the blog award!  Isn't this such a cool way to connect with people?  Not cool that we're having to travel down the infertility path but very cool that this is a way to share the journey with others who understand... and in pajamas if we prefer!  It is a much needed outlet and I appreciate "meeting" such strong and brave women along the way!

Rules for accepting this award:
1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award.
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it

Seven Things About Me:
1.  I'm an introvert.  I'm misunderstood as being shy... but really I just like listening and considering all points of view before giving mine.
2.  I'm semi-fluent in Spanish, meaning I can carry on a conversation but the grammar is asi asi not excellente.    
3.  I love country food.  Beans-n-Greens are okay with me.  This makes PC wince.    
4.  I really want to accomplish two things on my "40 before 40" list (besides a BFP):  how to drive a stick shift (in progress) and how to play a guitar (not a clue).   
5.  PC and I met because a mutual friend (also my boss at the time) "woke up at 3 a.m. and thought that we would be a perfect match."  She asked if she could pass along my number to him... he called... we met... we married less than a year later and sent her a thank you gift on our one year anniversary:]  
6.  I was in the band in high school and played the xylophone. 
7.  I (still) love a good plan.

15 others on this journey who encourage and inspire ...

A Miracle for Us

Baby on my mind

Bumpy Road to Motherhood

Diary of taking small steps toward baby steps....

Gracie in Brooklyn

Mr. and Mrs. Lemon

Mutemockingbird's Blog

My Journey Through IVF

 MyTTCstory

our new plan A

OUR TTC JOURNEY...

Raising Cain (someday)

Trying To Get A Bun In My Oven

Waiting for a baby bump

Yet another infertility blog...