Today, I received this e-mail:
Hi,
Just wanted to let you know that the Lord has answered our prayers and I am pregnant and due September 9!!! I have been walking around in complete shock for a couple of weeks. :0) Thank you for your prayers and support. Know that we will continue to pray for you and ----. I know the pain and frustration of hearing yet another person is pregnant, but I also know deep down in my heart that he has a plan that will surpass even your wildest dreams for you and your family. If there is one thing that I have learned through all of this is that He is in control even when I didn't want Him to be or think He was. I finally had to accept that His plan for me was good even if it wasn't my plan. Now, I can't wait to see how He will answer your prayers. :0)
P.S. Please keep praying that we will have a healthy pregnancy and baby when the time comes. I am trying not to worry to much. :0)
I think it is very sweet of her to personally e-mail me. Only someone who has faced infertility would understand how thoughtful that is. When anyone in the infertile-blogosphere announces a pregnancy, I cheer and celebrate with them. So why is my heart so heavy right now when this is a precious friend who has fought the same battle? I couldn't reply to her. My fingers wouldn't move to type words of celebration because my heart couldn't go there. I feel selfish. I feel broken. I want this to be her time and I want her to have a healthy, happy baby but I want it too. For the other two families who exposed our pain that day... we also want that answered prayer.
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It is amazing that although we don't want that heaviness present in our heart/gut, it comes everything a pregnancy is announced. For me, I think it is because it reminds me, not of what we don't have necessarily, but what we may never have. It's more fear than anything for me. Even with others that had trouble, I look and do still say, well if it can happen for them, why not me? Whats wrong with me that I can't do that to? It sucks and if you find a way to get rid of it...let me know :(
If I had a dollar for all of the emails and phone calls I received EXACTLY like this one....I'd be one rich woman. It IS nice of friends to email me personally to tell me their news so that I don't have to read it along with every one else on facebook...but it still stings....terribly. Like amiracle4 us said, you don't want to feel the heaviness, but it is nearly impossible. I get upset, not because they are pregnant, but because I want to be. I don't understand why their prayers are being answered and mine are not...it seems so unfair. There have been many times that I just couldn't answer the email...I needed to take some time and just let it sink in before I email back. Take care of yourself...she'll understand if you don't email back right away to congratulate her.
Oh my word. This seriously brought tears to my eyes. I completely understand where you are at and, having been there herself, she must understand, too. Take whatever time you need... you don't have to respond right away. I do think it is more difficult when it hits closer to home. While I am happiest about my two sisters' current pregnancies, they have also been the most difficult for me, and the most emotional to find out about (for them as well as Mech and I). Thinking of you, and praying that your prayers are answered very, very soon.
that's the type of email, that while appreciated, does kick you in the non-baby filled stomach for a while. i'd have to take a few days before being able to respond. and that would be okay. hang in there and be kind to yourself as you process this newest announcement.
I'm sorry Mac :( I know it must hurt and you don't have to respond until you are ready, I'm sure she understands.
It's a really sweet email and a nice gesture but it still hurts, doesn't it? A friend of mine who's been through longer TTC and more IUIs than me, plus an MC, recently feel pregnant naturally. I'm so happy for her, but I'm also struggling more with her pregnancy than with anyone else's, even those who fell naturally and quickly. I don't know why that is.. I guess I just want that lucky moment that she got.. Thinking of you xx
(Sorry - deleted earlier comment because of a serious typo)
I think it's completely normal to feel a bit of "why not me" when you hear something like that. Don't beat yourself up about it. It was a nice gesture that only a fellow IFer should do, but it's always harder when it's someone really close to you.
Seriously, thanks you so much for this post.
Recently all of our married siblings announced within a week that they were all pregnant--like they couldn't have spaced it out a little! Sheesh! My heart!
The last paragraph is so true.
I want to be happy for them, but I really am not. And yet, I don't want anything bad to happen to their pregnancy nor do I want anyone I love to suffer through infertility ...but still, not happy.
I too feel selfish--like I am someone making their pregnancy about me.
I feel like a bad person.
ICLW #163
www.therhouse.blogspot.com
infertility * adoption * hope
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